Chapter 4 – breaking down
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Rachel Platten - Stand By You
Katsuki squirms uncomfortably in his chair. It's an overly large, squishy chair, and his feet dangle when he's seated all the way back. His parents are seated in the chairs next to him, his father flipping through a magazine and his mother on her phone. A television plays cartoons just off to the corner, giant lego blocks next to the television, a chest of toys stuffed to the brim. It is undoubtedly there to make kids like him feel more at ease, more comfortable, but Katsuki is not like other kids, and it just makes him upset. Already it's like they're looking down at him, and that's something that he absolutely can't stand.
"Bakugou Katsuki?" a woman with curly blue hair calls. She has a notepad in hand, and a smile on her face when his attention snaps to her. "Are you Katsuki?"
Katsuki scowls immediately. "I'm the only kid here," he points out, glancing at the otherwise empty waiting room. He stands up.
Instead of taking offense, she smiles wider at him. "It's a wise thing to be polite," she says cheerfully. She glances at his parents, who have both also stood to attention. They each offer her a hand, which she shakes, and then she says, "Do you have any questions before we begin?"
His parents exchange looks. "No, I believe we've already covered everything yesterday," his father says.
His mother pats his head softly. "We'll be right outside, okay?"
Katsuki's scowl deepens, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he follows the lady to a room. It's a decent size with two white couches facing each other with one under a large window, and end tables with bowls of candy on either side. There's a white board on the left side of the room, and a desk with a laptop in one corner. Even though the room has beige carpet, there's a large shaggy brown rug underneath the furniture. She gestures to the couch against the window, and Katsuki moves over. He pauses at the end table, plucks a piece of candy from the bowl, and then sits.
The couch is as comfy as the chair in the waiting room, but Katsuki still feels uncomfortable.
The woman sits on a couch opposite him, sets aside her notepad and folds her hands in her lap. "I hope you've had a good morning," she says brightly. The corners of her warm brown eyes crinkle slightly. "I'm Dr. Kishimoto Hana. You can call me Dr. Kishimoto, or Hana, or sensei; I don't mind either so long as you are comfortable addressing me as such."
Katsuki shifts in his seat again. "You know who I am," he grunts.
She nods her head, making her blue curls bounce. "That I do," she agrees. "And how would you like me to address you?"
He purses his lips, eyes her with a calculating expression that isn't typically seen on a child his age. She remains unperturbed by it, bright smile fixed in place, and she sits back, relaxed, her expression and body language genuine. "Katsuki is fine," he says finally. His shoulders relax a little, and he hadn't even realized he was so tense to begin with.
Dr. Kishimoto smooths out non-existent wrinkles on her soft grey pencil skirt. "Do you know why you're here, Katsuki?"
He crosses his arms over his chest defensively. "'Cuz I got into a fight."
"That's part of it," Dr. Kishimoto says honestly. "You're here because your parents are worried about you. They are worried about the amount of stress you've had to endure lately, and they want me to see if there's anything I can do to help you manage it. Does that sound like something you'd be open to trying?"
Katsuki shrugs his shoulders. "I have to, don't I?"
Dr. Kishimoto smiles again. She reclines slightly, crosses one leg over the other. "Well, this is our first time talking to each other, and I don't know about you, but I don't always feel comfortable telling a stranger things that are personal to me." She brushes aside a lock of hair, studies his face. "And it's okay if you feel that way, too. I want you to be comfortable talking to me, and then we can work on some techniques that might help you deal with things like your emotions, school, or anything that might cause stress."
"What if I don't ever want to talk to you?" Katsuki stares at her defiantly, scarlet eyes narrowed, shoulders squared.
Dr. Kishimoto instantly replies, "If you do not feel comfortable talking to me, we can find someone who you will be comfortable talking to."
Katsuki thinks. He's not sure if he'll ever want to talk to her, but she seems nice. She doesn't treat him like a baby, and seems to actually want his opinion about stuff. In the end, he settles for a shrug. "I'll try," he concedes.
Dr. Kishimoto leans forward, tilts her head at him. "I'm glad," she says softly. "Is there anything that you would like to talk about?"
Katsuki shrugs. "I don't really know what to say," he admits, scowls because he hates not knowing anything.
"You said you felt you were here because you were recently in a fight," Dr. Kishimoto offers. "Do you want to talk about why it happened?"
Katsuki immediately glares at his feet. "Higurashi made Deku cry," he spits out, huffs angrily. "Things were going fine and then Higurashi came over and he was mean to Deku!"
"Hm. And who is Deku to you?"
Katsuki looks up at her, startled. "Deku is…" He pauses, then shakes his head. "Deku is…my friend?"
"Why do you sound unsure about that?" Dr. Kishimoto asks calmly. She doesn't sound angry or accusing, but Katsuki still stiffens a little in defense.
"Because I…I mean…" He hesitates, licks his dry lips. "I used to be mean to him," he admits, peeks at her from the corner of his eye but keeps his gaze firmly at his feet, "and I used to make him cry so the other boys would laugh. And then Deku got cancer, and I didn't want to be mean anymore. I want to be better, for Deku. But the other boys…Higurashi said the only reason I even cared about Deku is 'cuz he's sick, and that made Deku cry and run away." His fists clench tightly.
"I see," Dr. Kishimoto says. She grabs her notepad, scribbles something down and then sets it aside again. "So you used to be mean to Deku. Were these boys mean to him as well?"
Katsuki nods reluctantly. "His name is Izuku, but I came up with Deku to say he was useless," he says quietly. "But I told him that now it means 'you can do it,' but the other boys still call him useless, and it's not nice. I never should have said he was useless at all."
Dr. Kishimoto makes a sound of acknowledgment. "Do you feel like calling Izuku 'Deku' and being mean to him was a mistake?"
Katsuki nods his head miserably. "I want to do better," he repeats earnestly, finally looking up and making eye contact.
Dr. Kishimoto smiles at him. "You know, a mistake is only a mistake when you don't learn from it," she says wisely. "And it sounds, to me, like you've come to some advanced conclusions about your own behavior, and have started correcting things you don't like. Most adults have a hard time coming to this point."
He gapes at her. "Uh…"
"And once you learn from your mistake," she continues calmly, "then it is a lesson. Now, you're very smart, Katsuki. Tell me: what is the lesson you learned from this?"
Katsuki blinks, then scrambles to answer, "To, uh, not be mean? Like, I should not make other people cry because that would make me a bully, and it's wrong to bully people?"
She smiles at him, tucks another loose curl behind her ear. "Sounds good to me," she says brightly. "You are allowed to grow as a person. Have you made some mistakes? Sure, but who hasn't? Making mistakes is a part of life, and sometimes they make your best teachers."
He frowns contemplatively, and then his shoulders ease a little. It's like a tension he wasn't aware of finally released. He feels a bit lighter, but he still doesn't feel completely better. Katsuki looks at Dr. Kishimoto thoughtfully, still hesitates for a moment because although talking to her has started to make him feel better, he's still a little wary about completely opening up to her. "Sensei," he says hesitantly, "I have a question."
She smiles at him. "Yes?"
"I…am I a bad person?" he asks. He fiddles with a stray thread on his shorts. "I just…Higurashi and Deku both think that I only care about Deku because he's sick, and I…I don't know if they're right? I mean…" He cuts himself off, tugs at a lock of his hair.
Dr. Kishimoto scribbles some more on her notepad. "Cancer is an awful thing," she says quietly. "My mother, unfortunately, died from breast cancer when I was seventeen."
Katsuki's heart sinks. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, because he is. He's sorry that cancer even exists, because why would something so horrible happen to people that don't deserve it?
She nods her head in thanks. "Sometimes it takes something bad to bring people closer together, and there's nothing wrong with that," she assures him. "Izuku having cancer is what led you to want to change yourself, yes?"
"I…he's…Deku's dying," he whispers, feels that same sadness and nausea deep in the pit of his stomach.
Dr. Kishimoto's eyes soften in sympathy. "Yes, he could die. That is always a possibility with cancer. But, there is still a chance for recovery. It depends on a lot of different things, but every case is different. When something bad happens, we have three different choices we can make. We can let it define us, we can let it destroy us, or we can let it strengthen us. Do you understand what that means?"
He shakes his head, and she explains, "Well, when we let something define us, we assign ourselves a meaning based on something else even if it's not true. When we let something destroy us, we give it power to ruin us, or defeat us. And when we let something strengthen us, we become stronger." She pauses, licks her lips. "Do you think Izuku is more than his cancer?"
"Of course he is!" Katsuki exclaims. "H-He's smart, and he's nice, and he likes All Might! He wants to be a hero more than anything, and if he didn't have cancer, he could have been the first quirkless hero!"
Dr. Kishimoto nods her head. "So cancer does not define him," she concludes. She smiles at his startled look. "And it doesn't have to define your relationship with him, either. Do you like him more now that you know he has cancer?"
Katsuki shakes his head slowly. "I don't think I like him more," he murmurs, his eyes widening slightly in realization. "I like him the same, I'm just…not mean?"
"And that's a good start," Dr. Kishimoto praises. "Would you still care about Izuku if he did not have cancer?"
Katsuki nods his head vigorously. "He's my friend," he says again, this time with more confidence. He nods his head in affirmation. "He's my best friend," he amends softly.
Dr. Kishimoto smiles at him. "To answer your question, no, I don't think you're a bad person," she says. "You're very smart for your age, Katsuki, but sometimes emotions are hard to control at any age. But that's okay. That's what you're here to learn." She adjusts herself in her seat, scribbles a few more notes down. "Now, we're almost out of time, but I want to tell you a story before we're finished. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah." Katsuki leans over and grabs another piece of candy, stuffs it into his mouth and settles down.
"When I found out my mother had cancer, I was very sad," she says calmly, "and I was also very angry. We didn't always get along, and sometimes we were pretty mean to each other. Well, when the doctors told her she was sick, she decided that she wanted to be a better mother before it was too late. We had a lot of emotions to work through, but in the end, we became pretty good friends before she died." She stares out the window, but a sad smile on her lips. "One of the things that helped me was folding paper cranes. It is said that if you fold one thousand paper cranes, you are granted a wish, such as the recovery of an illness. I wanted to give my mother those paper cranes."
"Why cranes?" Katsuki asks, his nose wrinkled.
"Cranes are said to live for a thousand years," she explains.
"But it…didn't work…" he says hesitantly.
"No," she agrees, "it didn't. But it did bring me some comfort when I felt like the news would destroy me. I'm not saying you should fold a thousand paper cranes, Katsuki, but rather I'm saying you should find a hobby, something you can do with your hands, to help you deal with Izuku's cancer. Maybe you can do something you can share with him."
Katsuki pauses, and nods his head thoughtfully. He's not going to fold cranes, because cranes might have been important a really long time ago, but what could they do for Deku's cancer? Flap it away? No, the cranes would be stupid, but what could he give to Deku that would make him feel better? "Okay."
"And that's all the time we have for today," Dr. Kishimoto says as she stands. She smiles at his startled look, moves to open the door. He follows her outside, and his parents immediately stand up. His mother searches his face for any signs of distress, but he is surprisingly relaxed and calm.
"How did it go?" his father asks.
Katsuki shrugs. "It was…good," he admits quietly.
Dr. Kishimoto laughs, a light sound that chimes like bells. "Today went very well. I'd like to see him again next week."
His father sets up the appointment, and then they leave. Katsuki stares out the window, startles when he catches a glimpse of an All Might movie poster. He immediately perks up, and he starts to smile as the idea forms in his head.
"Hag?" he asks suddenly, interrupting his parents' quiet conversation. "Can I get a book to draw in?"
His mother blinks in surprise. "I didn't know you were interested in art," she says. She looks at his father, then shrugs. "Yeah, we can pick up a sketch book."
Katsuki smiles to himself, satisfied. He knows exactly what to do to make Deku feel better.
Katsuki adamantly does not look out the window.
"Settle down, brat," his mother says. "They'll be here any minute."
"I am settled!" he snaps back, turns his head violently so that he's facing the TV. His mother smirks at him, but doesn't reply. He doesn't know what's taking Deku and Auntie Inko so long. They literally live three houses away!
Ever since his fight a week ago, he hasn't really seen much of Deku. He and Higurashi both got in trouble at pre-school for fighting, and Deku didn't show up again for the entire week. When he asked his mother why, she pursed her lips and told him about Deku's doctor visits and that he might be starting his medicine soon.
A knock on the door startles him, and he jumps up to go get it. His father beats him to it, pokes him on the nose and reminds him, "You're not allowed to answer the door."
Katsuki scowls, but his expression evens out when the door opens to reveal Deku and Auntie Inko. His happiness at seeing them evaporates at Deku's absolutely miserable expression. Both Deku and Auntie Inko have swollen, red eyes, like they've been crying a lot (and that's saying something, because they're always crying and have never looked this bad before).
"Sorry we're late," Auntie Inko says demurely, her voice soft and slightly shaky.
Katsuki narrows his eyes, grabs Deku's hand and drags him upstairs to his room. "I'm going to show him my new book before dinner!" he calls, doesn't bother waiting for an answer.
Deku doesn't fight him. Katsuki closes the door once they're in his room, and Deku asks, "What new book?"
Katsuki purses his lips, shakes his head. There's a lot of stuff that he wants to say; he wants to tell Deku what he learned from Dr. Kishimoto, that he's always liked him even before he got cancer, that he's sorry he's ever made him feel like he's useless, that Deku is his best friend and he's going to be better. But all of that can wait, because something isn't right, something is making Deku subdued and wrong.
"What happened?" Katsuki asks softly, hesitantly. He's staring at Deku like he's a frightened animal ready to run off.
Deku shakes his head a little, opens his mouth to assure his friend that everything is okay when he pauses. He stares at Katsuki's face, and the concern he sees makes his lip wobble, his eyes water, and his shoulders shake.
"Kacchan," he whimpers, "Papa left."
Katsuki rears back, shocked and in disbelief. "He…left?" he asks incredulously.
A few tears roll down his cheeks, and a sob escapes his mouth. "He said he couldn't stay," he cries. "That it was making him too sad and it was too hard, so he took a job overseas a-and he i-isn't coming back. I…" He hunches over, sobs brokenly. "I asked him to stay, but he left. I b-b-begged, Kacchan, and he…he just walked away…M-Mama tried t-to t-t-talk to h-him but he p-pushed her and he j-j-just l-l-l-left!"
Katsuki's moving before he realizes what he's doing. He wraps Deku in a hug, squeezing tightly, and he buries his face in Deku's hair. A few tears of his own escape his eyes as Deku wails into his shoulder, hands clenching his shirt tightly. He doesn't know how long they stand there, crying against each other.
Once the overwhelming sadness dissipates, there is the sharp sting of betrayal. It makes Katsuki angry, because he looked up to Uncle Hisashi. He always thought his quirk was really cool, always told him that he should have been a hero. The other man had always laughed it off, told him he wasn't strong enough to be a hero, but Katsuki never believed that.
Until now.
Deku eventually settles down, pulls away, but his eyes are screaming their despair, and Katsuki knows he's in agony because his own heart feels like it's been ripped out. He can't even imagine his own father just leaving him and his mother behind, just deciding that it's too hard to stay. "My heart hurts," Deku whispers, moves his hand to his chest. He looks at Katsuki pleadingly.
Katsuki reaches out, brushes away the stray tears from Deku's eyes. "It's not your fault," he whispers back. "And you don't need him. You have your mom, and my parents, and you have me. We're still here, and we won't leave you."
Deku sniffles, grabs onto Katsuki like he's a lifeline, like if he holds him tight enough then he won't leave. Katsuki lets him, holds him just as tight, breathes in the scent of his shampoo and fabric softener.
By the time his mother calls them downstairs to dinner, their eyes are dry, swollen and red, their hearts still heavy. Dinner is a solemn affair. Katsuki swirls around his spicy noodles, no longer having an appetite. His parents look at him concernedly, but they don't say anything. Auntie Inko and Deku also push around their noodles, but take very small bites.
The air is thick and tense, and Katsuki hates it. He hates the obvious hole that that sorry excuse of a man left behind, hates how downtrodden Deku looks. He clenches his fingers around his chopsticks angrily, glares at his noodles fiercely. He can feel himself sweat, knows any second he'll set off little explosions.
Katsuki exhales loudly, gathers the attention of everybody at the table. He stares at Auntie Inko and Deku, takes a deep breath. He's going to get in trouble for this, but he doesn't care. "Uncle—" He cuts himself off. He's no uncle of his—not anymore. "Midoriya can go fuck himself."
The results are instantaneous. His father drops his chopsticks, his mother snorts her noodles out of her nose, Auntie Inko spits out her water, and Deku's eyes widen as his jaw drops.
There's a moment of silence as everybody takes in his words, but then Deku snorts, covers his mouth to muffle his giggles. Auntie Inko is startled into laughter, and then everybody is laughing. Katsuki looks proud of himself, smug, and then is finally able to dig into his noodles with gusto.
Later on when Auntie Inko and Deku leave, Auntie Inko gives him a fierce hug, kisses the top of his head. Deku tackles him, kisses his cheek, and his face erupts in a blush. They don't look happy exactly, but the dark shadows have receded a little from the corners of their eyes. He didn't make everything better, but for a few moments, he saved them from their demons.
His mother grounds him, of course. "You know you're not supposed to curse, you little shit," she says, and though she's trying to be stern, her eyes are twinkling. Plus, she has a potty mouth of her own, and she knows, like most of his traits, that he's going to take after her in that regard.
But that's fine. He will deal with two days of no video games if it means that Deku will smile and laugh like he used to.
Before he goes to bed, he purges his room. He finds every toy, every game, every comic book Midoriya ever gave him, and he unceremoniously slams it into the trash. Katsuki wants no memento from that coward. Midoriya wants to up and leave as if he's the only one going through this, as if it's just too much of a burden?
Fine. If he's going to disappear from Auntie Inko and Deku's lives, then he'll fucking disappear from Katsuki's, too.
