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I heard once that people get angry when they see faults they have reflect back at them in other people.
Ok I so I have been lying to myself. I'm human we all do at some point in time. I mean I'm trying to lie to myself right now about what I saw earlier when I followed Mai to the base thinking she was sleep walking or something. And I am now trying to lie to myself that I was not kind of turned on when I saw what he was doing to her! And she was letting him have his way with her I mean I'm sure she could of found some self restrain to stop him!
Right now I hate Mai for having everything I wanted.
Family that loves her even if their dead and the one she has now doesn't have to love the just do, a memorable personality, ever growing powers and Noll's attention and from what I saw affection too!
Ok I would be lying if I said she didn't have what I wanted. I was use to getting whatever I wanted I was not use to competing with anyone for anything.
Thinking about Mai and Noll makes me think about Mai's love for everyone even ghost! How she can always find the good in everything in life. I'm not strong like Mai who survived after everyone she loved died. To moved on with life and be strong I don't know how she does it with a smile on her face it kind of makes me think she sick in the head. But of course I know she's not.
And then to think about what Noll told me when he came back. Unlike Mai he didn't come looking for me I had to go to the office in search of him. He told that he didn't mind if I came back but make sure that I understand that he is going to treat me the same as everyone one else. That he was not going to treat me and differently because said secret was now not a secret anymore. And if I expected special treatment there was the door and he wasn't going to stop me!
So now I'm angry that Mai got Noll's affection without any leverage against Dr. Davis. They have their private moments every once in awhile it makes me ill! His got their act down, when we're at the office or on case they sit close together with their heads almost touching and she tells him about her dream or something she thought of and he actually answers her back without being condescending. And then the way they always end their conversation is with Noll always saying something that smoothes Mai worry and doubts. That stops the girl who just a minute ago was crying her eyes about some dream is now clam as body of water with a serene smile on her face. And Noll just watches her and SMILES! A genuine smile that touches his eyes and makes him even more breathtaking beautiful. Ok it might not be a full smile but his lips turn upwards and you can tell it's a smile. Just for Mai. And if you ask about their conversations like Monk did once you end up regretting it for the rest of the case or the next case coming up because Noll gives you all the grunt work to do.
I'm here laying in my bed steaming in my own juices. So I guess I can be real with myself and my feelings, right?
I think I'm mad because I lost a long time ago when Oliver first got back. I mean they act like an old happily married couple. If I wasn't jealous of them; I would have told them to just do it already become an official couple. Even though I know I could never make Naru happy because I am shallow, in only caring about looks but at least I'm honest.
I was like another fan girl to Oliver. I liked him for two things: his looks and his smarts and that I thought he was just like me, rich and psychic. I'm sure girls have liked him for less of course none can compete with Mai because she like him for him she could care less that his smoking hot and rich. She like him because his real and isn't fake to anyone. She said" as Naru says he never gives in to the sins of social graces that he has no intention to keep up."
To get his attention even once without having to pull a stunt to get it would be nice.
It's funny I thought that he was just trying to prove a point that he really doesn't like me and that I should just give up but he said to that "Don't flatter yourself the only person who thinks I care about you in that way is you." that hurt but I got it. That's how he treats everyone that's not Mai, Lin, Modaka, John or a client. And I'm only getting offend because I use to get a somewhat special treatment not like Mai but something more that this because of the secret I had.
Their happy and I'm not and that hurts me. Huh, I guess it's true that people who are don't happy with their life go out of their way to inflict pain on others.
It took me a long time after my stumbled on peep show to fall back asleep and when I awoke it was still early. I turned to Mai bed and found it empty! I would of thought she would of tip toed back in before 7am! Or is Mai too ashamed by her actions to face us; she should be. I got ready for the day and walked into the base to find everyone but the two people I spied on last night!
THEY WOULDN'T! They aren't even Married let alone DATING! I would have never thought of Oliver as that type of guy but I guess I really don't know him. I guess all men are perverts and only want one thing. I think my respect for Mai hit rock bottom for being the average girl who will do anything a guy wants. I was sitting smugly on the couch thinking about how Naru's precious Mai was no better than what Naru thought I was. We're even now maybe I think I still have a chance once Noll is done with Mai he'll just throw her to the way side. I must me better than I dare say a slut like Mai is.
Yes maybe today is better than I first thought.
