When he was 6, his parents died. But not before they left him with his uncle and aunt. He had 2 days of confusion - why would they leave? Why would they leave and not take him? Why didn't they love him enough? Was it something he did? - contemplating things that were too big for his child mind. And when he found out they had passed, he cried.
And every year, on that day, he goes to the park they used to play in, the building they used to live in, and he just stands in silence. Every year brings new information about the life that they led, the true reasons that they left him, and every year leaves him with new questions and confusions.
But at least he knows that they did love him. They loved him enough to want him to be safe, and they loved him enough to leave him with the best replacement parents he could've asked for.
...
When he was 16, his Uncle Ben died. But not before he left him that voicemail. The one that he listened to on every day that he needed strength and reaffirmation that he was in fact a good person. Peter spent months after his passing blaming himself. There were so many things that he could've done differently on that day, so many circumstances that led to Ben being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And when he wasn't hating himself, he was hating Spider-man. If he'd never gone to Oscorp that day, if he'd never got these powers, then Uncle Ben would probably still be alive.
But those feelings faded. They're still there, in the background, haunting him on his darkest nights, reminding him of the blood that was once on his hands. But he knows that he's saved more lives than he could've without the powers. He's kept families together and stopped bad people from ruining the innocent.
...
When he was just about to turn 17, Captain Stacy died. But not before he made Peter make that promise. The promise that he was unable to keep. He saw the Captain everywhere he went, especially when he was in places that he should be - graduation, prom, after graduation dim sum... it wrecked him.
And he wanted to keep his promise. He wanted to honour the wishes of a dead man.
But his pull to Gwen, his love for Gwen, it was just too strong. He hated himself for it, but somewhere along the way, during the months that they weren't together, he knew what the right thing to do was. It wasn't to push Gwen away, when it probably wasn't making her happy either. It wasn't to have a turbulent relationship where they were constantly on-again off-again. It wasn't to follow her as she went about her summer.
It was to honour her wishes. It was to do what she wanted. And, if the way she was kissing him fiercely was any indication... she wanted him. In NYC, in Oxford, wherever she went, there was no force on earth that could stop him.
But the Universe seemed to have other ideas.
...
There's a moment when he wakes up and he forgets.
Sometimes it lasts a second, sometimes it's a minute.
The best mornings are those where it lasts long enough for him to fall asleep.
The worst mornings are those where he wakes up at 3am, remembers, and then has it hit him over and over again as he stares up at the ceiling.
The hours before it happened replay in his mind.
"I got into Oxford"
"It's not because I don't love you, it's actually because I do"
"You're my path"
"I know how to help you"
"Nobody makes my decisions for me"
"You wanna fight? Fight me. Let her go"
"Peter?"
"Peter!"
And when it gets to the moment it happened, all he can see is her falling. And she doesn't stop falling. She stares up at him with those eyes and he knows that she didn't expect to die. Her eyes trusted him to keep her safe. Her eyes believed that he would save her. And they stay open - as the bits of metal and debris are falling around her, she just keeps looking at him.
The sound of her hitting the floor echoes. He hears it repeatedly, each reverb as if someone is yanking out his heart, squeezing his neck and kicking him in the gut.
Sometimes he thanks God that he didn't see it happen, that there was a bit of metal flying across his vision, that he didn't have the image of her eyes closing forever and her body going limp in his memory. But the sound was enough. The sound was enough to make him sick to his stomach, to ruin him and leave him paralysed.
But when it was happening, when he grabbed the fixed pole, felt the web go taut, heard the sound... he told himself she was okay. He told himself that he hadn't put her in danger, that he had managed to save her life. He repeated she's okay she's okay she's okay she'sokay shesokayshesokay as he jumped down.
"Hey."
He can't bear to look anywhere but her face, because he tells himself that she's definitely breathing. She's just unconscious. She's just in shock and she's been through a lot and she needs to get to a hospital but she'll be okay. She'll be fine and they'll go to Oxford together. They'll grow old together and she'll be a scientist and he'll love her every day for as long as he lives, and she'll love him for as long as she lives. And she'll probably live longer than him, because he's stupid and reckless and she's smart and safe.
"Stay with me."
And he'll do anything to make this up to her, to apologise for causing her this much pain. He'll work every day, he'll find a job at a local paper and save up to give her everything she ever wanted. They'll fly her family in for Christmas and Thanksgiving and any other holiday, and he'll give her a lab in their house. If that house is in England or in New York or wherever she goes, he doesn't care.
"Gwen? Gwen, no, please. Please"
They'll be together forever.
They have to be.
...
