The morning of the funeral Ryan just wanted to keep sleeping and have one of the Cohen's wake him when it was all over. He obligation to do "the right thing" however, moved him out of bed and into the shower.
He had managed the suit, all of it, except the tie. His hands were shaking too hard to get the job done. He couldn't help but think back to his first weekend in Newport Beach, Sandy tying his tie for him.
As if drawn by the memory, he saw Sandy appear in the mirror.
"How you doing, kid?"
"Not so good. I just can't seem to get it together." Then, quieter, if possible, "I don't want to do this. Can we not do this?"
"I'm afraid not, son. Marissa deserves all of us to be there." A pause. "Need some help?"
"Tie" was all that made it past the lump in his throat.
"Well, lucky we've got practice with this, hmm?" With that, he brought his hands around Ryan and tied what felt like a noose. Ryan shook like a dry leaf in the wind and decided just to give into it, leaning back into his guardian. Like a rock, Sandy took his weight, hugging him. Ryan thought he felt a kiss on the top of his head.
"Ryan, look at me." He couldn't disobey, and met the man's eyes in the mirror. "No matter what, you are my son and a part of this family. Kirsten and I are solid on this. Nothing will change that. We love you."
"Yeah, Kirsten told me." Ryan forced a small smile.
He almost didn't notice the knock on his door, it was so soft.
"Come in."
"Hey there." An awkward silence ensued while Kirsten looked around the room. "God, I should have re-done this room a long time ago. I should have re-done it after you moved in, had you in here right away, not alone in the poolhouse. I'm sorry for that."
"Kirsten, it's cool. I wanted the poolhouse. Until..."
"Yes, until." She sat on the bed. "Ryan, I know losing Marissa has been tough on you, and maybe left you feeling confused. I know Sandy and I are. And Seth too." There seemed to be some weight in that last bit. "I want you to know that we love you, and we'll be there for you."
"Thanks. You guys have been phenomenal. There's so much I owe you."
"No! You don't owe us anything, Ryan. Not me, not Sandy and especially not Seth."
That got him to meet her look.
"What do you mean, 'especially not Seth'?"
"I just worry that you do things to please him, and that right now when you're a bit vulnerable, I don't want you doing anything out of fear, or even worse, a sense of obligation."
If she was saying what he thought she was saying...well.
"What if it's not fear or obligation. What if it's because I want to?"
"Well then I will be able to sleep soundly at night." She kissed his cheek and left.
The minister said all the right things, At least Ryan thought he did, he wasn't really listening. Most of the service was a blur, except for a brief moment when Julie, of all people, gave his hand a squeeze. That brought him back to the real world, albeit briefly. Before he knew it, Marissa's casket was being lowered into the ground.
God I've turned into a fucking cliche, he thought, as the world swirled a little. For a moment he truly thought he might pass out. He dug his nails into his palm and grappled blindly for Seth's arm beside him.
"Dude, Ryan, deep breath. It's almost over."
And then it was. He didn't even know how much time had passed, and then all of a sudden Kirsten and Sandy were telling him they'd be waiting for him at the car.
He just stared at the hole in the ground, trying to do something, move somehow, stop being numb.
"I really loved her, you know." He hadn't meant to blurt that out, and Seth froze momentarily beside him. "I mean, maybe it wasn't the same any more, and maybe it wasn't enough, but I did."
Despite himself, he started crying. Fucking Damn it! He rubbed the tears away, and felt himself being drawn into a hug. He was grateful for Seth's touchy-feely ways.
"It was enough, Ry, I promise you it was."
"I'm not even sure she knew." He said into Seth's shoulder. "I never really said it. I'm not good at that."
"She knew. I know she did. Everyone knows you love them, Ryan, even if you don't say it."
"Do you? Do you know?"
"Do you know?"
Seth tried not to react to what he thought he had heard. Ryan's voice was muffled by his suit jacket, and the other boy wasn't looking at him.
He thought maybe this was the first time in his entire life he'd ever been rendered speechless. He tongue felt like it was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
"I'm not sure what you mean, Ry."
"Do you know that I love you?" Ryan pulled back to look at him, and if Seth didn't know any better, he's say he was blushing. Sheepish and Shy, he mentally added to his list of Ryan facial expressions. His own facial expression at the moment probably resembled that of a fish.
"Of course, Ryan. You're my best friend, my --"
"If you say 'brother' I just might lose it for good, I'm warning you."
Seth laughed in spite of himself. "I love you, too, Ryan. It feels weird saying it, but that doesn't make it any less true."
"I think I mean it in a different way than you do, Seth."
This time the laughter was full out and disbelieving. "You've got to be kidding me, Ryan!" That look. It dawned on him that it may be a very long time before Ryan truly believed that he was loved, and longer still to believe himself worthy. "Ryan, I sailed away when you left town."
"You were always one for grand gestures, Seth."
Oh for fuck's sake. "Well then I guess it'll be in character for me to make one now," he said quietly to himself, taking a step towards Ryan.
"Wha--"
He would laugh at himself later, at the movie-like moves he made that day, at the sheer strangeness and sadness of the memory. And he would marvel how it had seemed so easy, one minute he was striding toward his friend, the next he had one had cupping Ryan's neck and he was kissing him in a gentle, but very pointed way.
After only seconds he broke away, and Ryan stepped back too, and Seth saw tears on his flushed cheeks.
"Ryan? I -"
"It's fine, I, just. There's been so much lately."
"Yeah, like the last three years?" He earned himself a wane smile for that one.
"I'll meet you at the car?"
"Sure, sure." With one last look back at the grave and a squeeze to Ryan's hand, he left, fingers warming where Ryan had squeezed back.
After several minutes of just staring at the grave before him, Ryan leaned over and grabbed a handful of dirt, slowly releasing it from his fingers onto the casket. The sound made him flinch, but didn't stop him.
"I'm sorry, Marissa. I can't even tell you how much. Everything's so fucked up now that you're gone. I guess maybe Seth and I shouldn't have done that here, but I think you'd understand. Maybe you would have laughed at us for taking so long."
"Or maybe you didn't see it coming at all, and maybe you would have been upset. Yeah."
"But everything's different now, Marissa. We're all so fucking terrified. I wish you were here. You never seemed scared of anything."
"But then again, maybe that was the problem."
"Bye Marissa."
