Author's Note: I haven't been feeling that good the past couple days, but I decided to post this anyway. There is a lot of dialouge, which is something that irks me, but... I think it's needed. I hope I didn't stray away from Hyde too much, but I feel like I'm losing 'that touch', I hope not. I hope that's also just another feeling I'm getting from my current state.
Also: I want to personally thank Syntyche for actually reviewing (both on a normal basis, and just reviewing in general) and for giving me the idea to continue this story anyway. I bet this surprised you, eh? :)
Love,
ARH
"Go away," I slurred in my sleep, turning onto my other side, and hugging one of the pillows on my bed tightly. I had been in a very deep, very blissful sleep, until the nurse burst into my room, definitely uninvited. "No more tests, I wanna sleep,"
"I'm not a nurse."
Immediately, my eyes shot open when I heard that voice. It had to be a dream, or possibly the meds. That could definitely be it.
"Donna? What… how the… why?" She laughed softly and made herself comfortable on the chair close to the bed.
"You said you wanted to talk, and I didn't want Eric here. I didn't want to wake you though, I figured you'd be up but I can-"
"Is fine," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes, and winced as I attempted to stretch, resulting in a shock of sudden pain shooting through my body. "I wasn't sleeping, what time is it?"
"It's 11:30 a.m.," She answered, "and you were definitely sleeping," I grimaced, then blindly reached over to the small table by me. My eyes were not adjusted to the morning rays that made my eyes feel like they were going to burn. A sinking feeling dropped my stomach as I realized why I could not feel my glasses within proximity of the small bed stand. Without my glasses, I was vulnerable, weak. And I wasn't vulnerable or weak. Dammit, I needed my glasses.
"For once you can't hide," Donna grinned as she spoke. I nodded and lowered my head. "Hyde, when we found you, you were so close to dying, there was so much blood. Oh my God, it was awful! Eric had went back to the basement and told me you left, and seemed really bothered by something, and that he was worried. So the two of us waited for Kelso, Fez, and Jackie to arrive, and then all of us went out to look for you. We didn't have to go to that many places, first we checked The Hub, then your old house, and next the water tower. You were on the ground, and I have never been so scared, Hyde. I… we thought we lost you!"
I didn't care. I didn't want to hear about this, I just wanted to put it in the past, and I thought Donna knew that! So why was she bringing it up?
"I know," I said, "Donna, I just want you to know, I didn't mean to kiss you. I was just drunk, and it just happened, and I'm sorry."
"You're lying, Hyde. Come on, I can see it in your eyes." Damn, I really needed my glasses. "And I'm glad! I hate it when you were those stupid glasses. It puts you in a world, isolated with yourself. What you say, could be different, is different than what your eyes tell. You know that, and you're one of my best friends. You gotta let me in."
A battle raged on within me. Countless emotions were running through me as I tried to comprehend what Donna just told me. I wanted to be more than her friend. I wanted to let her in. But, I did once, and that nearly brought the death of me. And if she did notice, she'd realize that I hadn't worn my glasses until after four years ago. But, of course she wouldn't remember.
"Hyde, when did you realize you liked me?" Donna asked me, voice quiet. I took a deep breath, ignoring the tone in her voice. The feeling of emotion burned and scalded my heart, the flames reaching me eyes and…. Donna was there, and now more than ever today, I wanted my glasses. A tear slipped from my eye as she gripped my shoulder. "Hyde, look at me," I shook my head, trying my hardest not to have her see me like this.
Donna moved from the chair to the bed, and grabbed my face in her hands as she forced me to look at her.
"Donna, let go, dammit!" I growled viciously, feeling more tears well in my eyes.
I felt it. Her eyes stared at the tears falling down my face. I watched her let go of me, but she didn't look away.
"What's wrong? I didn't-"
"You want me to be honest?" I don't know where that came from. As she nodded, I started in. "Do you remember four years ago yesterday?" Donna nodded slowly, biting her lip, and eyes playing timid. "Do you remember I asked if I could go over?" Donna nodded once again, I could tell she was catching on. "I was at your house, I was going to go through the back yard. I open the gate and I…" My voice broke, I quivered as the memory came haunting at me again, making the hurt and the pain return as well. "I was going to tell you how I felt but…"
"You saw me and Eric instead," She finished for me and I nodded. My watering eyes met hers and she sighed. "I saw you, Hyde."
I felt my jaw drop in surprise, eyes full of shock.
"I did," Donna continued cautiously, "I pulled away from Eric, told him I'd think about it, and then he left. I called you, and got no answer. Called back, and you acted as though you didn't see anything. I… I should have known, Hyde, and I'm sorry."
Donna had seen me. She knew I had been there. So why didn't she say that on the phone? Why did she put it in the past so easily?
Realization hit. She forgot because of me. My apathy, my sarcasm, and my lack of emotions. I didn't let her see how much her decision killed me. Hell, I didn't let anyone see my emotions. If only I had this time, things would be good for me. Why was I always trying to show how tough I was, rather than really showing myself/
"Damn," I whispered, feeling stupid. How come it was somehow my fault? "If… I had told you that night, would you have gone out with me?" My heart almost ripped as I watched her nod slowly. Guilt and remorse ran their courses through me. 'God dammit, why are you so fucking stupid?' I cursed at myself. I just wanted to hide away, God, how did the tables turn so fast? Why can't I not feel?
"Hyde, look at me," I couldn't. Humiliation, anger, and melancholy was passing through me, stealing me away from this conversation. I haven't felt this low since… since the day I hurt myself. But… was it entirely my fault? Maybe, maybe not, but either way it was all on me, somehow. Things always turned out to be my fault, whether or not I did it, or was at the place at the time. Always has been that way, and more than likely it will stay that way. "Steven Hyde,"
Donna never used my first name; hell, no one really did. Except Ja… nah, nobody. I glanced up at Donna, feeling naked, she could see exactly what I was so afraid of showing.
"Why do you always hide your eyes? Hyde, please… how are you feeling?"
"Nothing,"
Donna glared daggers at me, and waited for a more 'honest' response. Well, it was honest; I went numb- emotion overload.
"Hyde…" The daggers turned magically to a blaze as a mischievous smirk curled onto her lips. "Don't make me tickle you," She warned. Normally, I would have screamed and ran, or hidden from her. But, now I just stared on, my mouth twitching in attempts of a smile.
"Donna, can't you tell? I don't, I can't feel. Anything, I'm numb, and I hate it." I mumbled feebly, feeling like a little boy again. The days I was open with my feelings, and when I learned not to trust, or to love, or let people in.
"Why?" Donna looked scared or worried about me. "Is it because of me?" I shook my head.
"Everything, things in the past, how I was raised, what you've just told me, everything. It's me, and I hate it."
To feel, or not to feel? That is the question. When I felt, I wanted the emotions blocked away from my heart. But, when I didn't feel, I wanted more than anything to hurt, or to be angry. And I didn't understand.
"Donna, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, okay?" I lied, what would it to her? I could fake it; as long as she was happy, I'd be all right. Maybe.
"How can I not worry, you idiot?" Donna snapped. "I want you to be happy, you deserve it," I shrugged, staring at the sun out the window. "Look at me, Hyde!" Turning my head, I gazed at her.
Tears welled in her eyes and I tensed. Me being raised in a home with no feelings lead to awkward reassuring moments for me. "You have to be happy," Her voice wavered and a drop fell from her eye. Dammit, I made her cry.
'Way to go, dumbass,' I thought angrily as she breathed in deeply.
Donna looked up at me, the rain from her eyes slipping down her cheeks. I've never seen her cry; and well, I never wanted to, either.
"Donna, hey… it's okay," I did what I shouldn't have done. Leaning forward, I wrapped my arms around her in a hug. She was silent, and unmoving; no heart-wrenching wails, or sobs that made her shake. "C'mon kid, smile," I whispered, running my hand through her hair. She laughed weakly into my shirt and sniffled, resting her head against my chest. Not good.
"I'm… sorry," Donna croaked a few minutes later, wiping her eyes. "That was really stupid." I shook my head, staring into her eyes. She looked so weak, and fragile, like a wounded angel. My wounded an- I stopped myself before I could think anymore about it.
"Nah, it's not stupid, don't waste your tears on me, kid." I replied, wiping away a drop trickling down her face. "All better, still as beau-"
I couldn't do this; to her, or to me. This was just torture; I could not continue my impulsive kind/romantic acts, for our own good. So, closing my eyes, I looked away from her. Ashamed of how I was acting and embarrassed of myself as well. Also so she wouldn't see me cry, again, the waterworks being protested at the same time.
My heart leapt into my throat as I felt something soft against my mouth; lips. Opening my eyes slightly, I saw Donna, sitting in my lap, and face just centimeters apart from mine. Her arm was wrapped around my shoulder, and I froze; terrified. But, I was brought to my senses as my conscience screamed two things- "Kiss her back!" and "Don't do it! Save yourself"
Of course, I listen to the first.
I ran my hand through her soft flaming red hair, kissing her back, the other arm wrapping around her side, pulling her closer to me. The kisses were passionate, and long, and mind-blowing. I never wanted to let go, or to have her leave my arms.
Until she leaned me back against the bed, so I could see out the door. As she moved her head, mouth now kissing my neck, I stared wide eyed, unable to stop her, unable to say anything. Fear.
