A/N: Here's another one. I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but it wasn't because I wasn't writing… well not completely because I wasn't writing. I was also working on my side project that I won't be posting until it's completed, so expect my posts to be slower. Yeah I know… you thought they couldn't get any slower… but they can. Enjoy!

When She Smiles

Chapter 4

Dr. Komatsu presented himself as my willing guide to the system. Patience is the key, he says and these are the words he lives by. It's not a matter of cramming info or forcing progress. It's mostly a process of waiting. Waiting and accepting. Though some days I want to pull out my hair. I want to yell at the top of my lungs and say "this isn't working" or "that isn't true" but instead I wait. I breathe deeply, nod my head, and I tell Dr. Komatsu what is wrong in a clam and careful mater as the words burn me up inside. It's always painful, and it's always terribly slow. But when I talk to my doctor, my ambassador to reality, I feel it slowly ebb away. I remember that it's all an ends to a means.

The system is designed to make me a person. I've been assured time and time again that the system has been successful. Those who are willing to follow it can be whole. Though I have my grievances with it, I've grown to respect it as well. The system hurts but the system works. And in time I'll finally be who they want me to be.

The timing is the key.

No one can believe you when you're yelling wildly one moment, then claiming to be a person the next. There is no switch you can hit that will take you from being lost to being found. They humored me at first. Their words were soft and mocking. They asked me question after question. Analyzing and scrutinizing every word in every sentence.

"I am Asuka Langley Soryu", I said. And they would write on their notepads and scrunch up their brows and make small little noises in their throats. They could see me so easily through my mask made of glass. They each took turns shattering it with ease. Because as much as I knew, and as hard as I tried, I could not be her. And in the end it always came down to the same thing: me begging and pleading. A weak shell of need, crying uselessly on the floor.

They told me that a change is internal. You have to want it on the inside. You have to want it for yourself. "We cannot make you change" they told me. "We can only help you along". And for all their talk, I still didn't understand.

It wasn't until I sat down with Dr. Komatsu and really really listened, that I began to understand. The old man was the last person to believe my lies, so he was the first one I told the truth. I told him, "I don't want to be here anymore". I told him "I need to be where Asuka is." And he nodded and nodded for an eternity. I told him how she needed me. How I took care of her, and how nice it was to be the mother. Because the mother can be hard, and the mother can be soft, but the mother should always always care. I explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that the child needs the mother. Because who else can decide what's best for them? Who else has the right to decide how they live?

And he nodded and nodded and nodded, and wrote and wrote and wrote as the words poured out like blood shed anew. I told him of my confusion. Why I didn't understand what was required of me, how I couldn't understand why they wouldn't believe me. I explained to him that I was willing to be Asuka for them if they wanted me to and that was when he finally spoke.

The doctor told me something I'd have never expected to hear: They didn't want me to be Asuka at all. At least not the Asuka I was familiar with. They wanted me to simply be myself. But at the same time they thought that I should recognize Asuka. That I should try to come to grips with her past and understand her. It was a bizarre concept to me at first, but I slowly began to work with it.

The first step was in finding my name. They insisted that I be called Asuka. I wanted to argue and disagree, but I could tell they were not going to budge on that point. Dr. Komatsu explained that it was okay if I didn't feel like Asuka or even if I didn't act like her. It was fine for now to just be Asuka in name. Everything else would come later.

The doctor and I began to have daily sessions. He would ask me questions about her life and I would answer to the best of my ability. I tried to explain to him her motivation and her reasons for living the way she did, but sometimes it was harder than others. The information was so personal... I felt like I was betraying her in some ways. But I continued to tell the doctor as much as I could because he assured me that it would help me become whole.

Sometimes the doctor would ask me about myself. About the things I liked to do, the things that made me sad or happy. Even about minor things like my favorite color or what foods I liked to eat the most. I had a hard time answering these questions because they were things I'd never given much thought to. It frustrated me when I couldn't give Dr. Komatsu an answer because it felt like failure. And I'm not fond of failure. The doctor was always kind and patient when this happened, but a part of me could always tell that I'd somehow let him down. So when I couldn't think of a proper answer, I said whatever Asuka would say. It made things easier that way.

In a few weeks time they'd begun to trust me again. They only locked my room at night and I was allowed to mix freely with the other patients. They even said I could have visitors again... but I declined. I had embarrassed myself with Shinji in ways that I really don't want to think about. Seeing him then would have felt indecent. I no longer blamed him for what happened, but I didn't want him to see me like this. He would have to wait until I was stable and certain. And maybe then he would forgive me.

I have to admit that it was kind of lonely without his frequent visits. He used to come to see us often and it really brightened up the day. I didn't spend all my time moping and feeling lonesome though. I frequently talked to the nurses and orderlies when I got bored. And there was always Dr. Komatsu to talk to as well. I even spoke with some of the other residents of the hospital, though not very often.

I made one friend among the other patients. His name is Takashi and he's a ghost. He's much older than me and often quiet to the point of being easily ignored. I like talking to him sometimes because I feel odd when I don't talk to people often and because it makes him smile. His smiles are genuine and they're only for me. Since Takashi doesn't move much, sometimes I move for him. He opens his mouth for the nurses to feed him, but he does it a lot faster for me. I know he wants to make me happy and I take some small comfort in that. I show him kindness because I know it's what he wants to see. Takashi doesn't know what I want at all, but I don't hold it against him.

We aren't very alike, but we do have one thing in common: we both think I'm someone else. I told this joke to Dr. Komatsu but he didn't laugh. He asked me to explain what I meant. I told him that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't worth telling. I could tell he didn't like that, but he left the issue alone. He's just afraid to discourage me because he's glad I've made a friend.

The nurses are also happy to see me with Takashi. They say he's much easier to handle when I'm around. He eats properly, takes his pills, and sometimes goes to the bathroom by himself if I walk him to the door. He will walk with me anywhere as long as I hold his hand. Sometimes it's hard to convince him to let go. When we talk he's very attentive. He watches my face with an intensity that the doctors and nurses all find remarkable. It's a stark contrast to the slack expression he displays when I'm not around. But like most men, he hears but doesn't listen. When I'm done talking, he'll take his wrinkly hand and place it on mine. He looks me in the eye and calls out gently, "Sakura." I try not to blush, but there's something in his voice when he says it. In that way and that way only, he reminds me of Shinji. Otherwise there is no resemblance.

The orderlies call him Casper because he walks through walls at night. He sleeps in a room with three other men around the same age. Their door is locked firmly from the outside, just as mine is. Yet some nights I hear him there knocking at my door. He calls out to me softly and often he's crying. I talk to him through the walls to calm him down. I try my best to be his Sakura when he needs me to. It usually isn't long before someone comes to lead him back to bed.

Sometimes when the nurses are busy I sit with him as Sakura would. I place my arm around his waist and lean my head on his shoulder and talk to him sweetly. I ask him how he's feeling or what he's thinking about. Rarely does he answer… at least not in complete sentences. He has his good days and his bad days, just like all of us. Occasionally his responses are just as coherent as my questions. And when I ask him how he walks through walls he looks at me with a knowing smile.

It's hard to be so close to Takashi because a part of me feels that I shouldn't. Being Sakura isn't the same as being Asuka. It's feels hollow. Like everything inside is missing. Sakura isn't real to me. I don't know what she would be doing or what she would be thinking. I just know that when I'm her it makes Takashi happy. Being Asuka is different. It's real. I understand her in a way that I'd never understand Sakura, even if I'd met her. But being Asuka feels wrong in a different way. The things that she thinks and the things that she says are troubling. They don't match up correctly. When I'm her, I feel this heaviness weighing down on me. Like she's dragging the world behind her on her small weak shoulders. Her knees buckle under the pressure and I know she's going to fall. I'm ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I wish she would. I wish she would fall to pieces in front of me and never return. Then I could be someone like Sakura. Empty and hollow. In time, I would find a way to fill the space. And maybe then, I could be as close to Shinji as Sakura is to Takashi. But I know that's just a dream.

If Asuka ever falls, she'll be sure to take me down with her.


Shinji could feel the anxiety rotting in his stomach. It had been a month and a half, almost 45 days, since Asuka had last agreed to see him. During that time he occupied himself in various ways. He spent most of his time attending school and lying to Hikari to cheer himself up. Hikari found the news of Asuka's steadily improving health to be a true blessing. Sometimes her smiles and hugs were the only things that stopped him from staying home and shutting himself in his room again. He had no idea what he would tell her if (when) Asuka got better and honestly he didn't want to think about it. Too depressing.

He started practicing his cello again after a long hiatus. At first he picked up the instrument on a whim, but he soon found that playing music calmed him in a way he hadn't anticipated. It distracted him with a totality even the TV or his SDAT couldn't match. He figured it had something to do with the level of concentration involved. In any case, it helped him keep his mind off of things.

When Shinji wasn't distracting himself from how lonely he felt, he was either sleeping or pestering Misato about Asuka's condition. Misato was amazingly skilled at letting information slip in the most annoying way possible. Any news he heard from her was vague and in small doses. It frustrated Shinji to no end that he could ask her a million different questions and only discover one new thing from the answers. The most detailed thing she had ever told him was "She's letting people call her by her name now," and that was it. Shinji had tried to call the hospital and get information directly from the source, but patient files were confidential. Only a legal guardian or family member could view the files or talk to a doctor about the patient's condition. So Shinji asked Misato to give them permission to discuss Asuka with him. Misato thought about it for all of thirty seconds before saying no and declaring it "a bad idea". Shinji tried not to hate her for it.

And so passed 45 days. What had he accomplished? He'd grown slightly less rusty at cello, hounded his guardian for information so much that she spent even less time at home, and falsely built up the hopes of a girl who was already too hopeful for her own good. Meanwhile, Asuka had managed a breakthrough. And she was finally ready to see him again.

He took to the halls of the hospital one step at a time, stomach quietly rumbling with worry and fear. She'd made a breakthrough they said... a breakthrough. The nurse at the visitors' desk greeted him with her guarded smile. She wasn't happy to see him, but didn't seem to have anything against him either. He decide that he liked her. Seeing her somewhat familiar face calmed him down a bit. She asked him to sign in, just like she always did, and Shinji was relieved to find that he was aloud to walk to her room on his own. Nobody would have to wait outside the door during his visit.

Six doors down the hall to the left. Clean white tile all the way. Familiar.

He felt his stomach calming, if only a little. Something told him that this wasn't going to be like all the other visits. He just had this strange inkling somewhere in the back of his mind that this time was going to be okay. He reached her door and he hesitated only a few seconds before knocking. A few moments passed, then a click and a creak, and there she was standing at the door giving him the smallest of smiles. Her hair was drawn back in a ponytail with a red scrunchy. Shinji found himself oddly pleased that the scrunchy was red. She was wearing a white 3-buttoned blouse with loose fitting black slacks. Well... at least as loose fitting as any pants Asuka had ever worn. Apparently they let her wear her clothes from home. Her face was no longer tight and drawn with worry. Her eyes seemed light and alive. She looked healthy as if she'd been eating well. She seemed vital in a way that he hadn't seen her look for... well, years. And Shinji was staring at her openly. When he realized this he blushed, but Asuka just stood there with her small widening smile.

"Hello," said Shinji. He was awkwardly aware of how wide his eyebrows had gone.

"Hi Shinji," she said. "I'm very glad to see you."

Shinji blushed harder and looked away. "It's good to see you too..." he paused a fraction of a second before adding, "Asuka."

"Thank you," she said and gave no other response. Only her words and her small insistent smile. Shinji glanced up at her and marveled.

A breakthrough...


"I have something to show you," said Asuka. She grabbed his hand and lead him right back out the door. Shinji found himself in a pleasant daze. At this point he would have gone anywhere with her. She could have lead him off a cliff for all he cared. He felt like he could fly.

They walked a ways down the hall where they reached another nurse station which was surrounded by glass. Behind the glass Shinji could see two orderlies playing cards and a nurse at the computer playing minesweeper. Asuka knocked lightly on the glass to get their attention. The nurse at the computer swivelled in her chair to face them. When she saw Asuka she smiled.

"Can you let my guest and I through?"

"Of course," said the nurse. She pressed a button under the counter and a short buzzard went off. "You can go in now."

Asuka thanked the woman and Shinji followed suit. She pulled open the door next to the nurses' station and ushered Shinji through.

"This is the recreation room," she said brightly. "They let the patients with milder problems come here to enjoy activities and relax."

Shinji took in the sight without much amazement. It was a large white room, not unlike all the others in the hospital. There were several tables scattered throughout the room each occupied by patients or nurses sitting in fold-up chairs. The most distinguishing feature of the room was the large 3-frame window in the middle which overlooking a small garden. Shinji found it kind of ironic that the best thing about the room was the view outside, but he didn't say anything of the sort to Asuka. He could tell that she was proud to be there. They had never let her mingle with the other patients before.

"Hmm... he's not here..." said Asuka sadly.

"Who?"

"A friend of mine. He's a nice man, like you. I wanted to introduce you. Maybe you could have met Sakura too... but, oh well. He must be in his room."

"Oh," said Shinji. He felt slightly guilty for wondering just what type of friends she could have made in such a place. Asuka didn't give him much time to ponder on this though. She begin to lead him around the room and show him the various activities.

"Over here they have an area for knitting and crochet. A lady told me that they used to let them sew too, but they decided that they'd rather not let us have sharp needles. Here they have some magazines, but none of them are too interesting. We play board games at that table. There's a lot of missing pieces, but some of them are still playable. And over there we play cards. Would you like to play?"

The table was empty save for a lone deck of cards. They took a seat and Asuka began to count the cards. After she was sure there were fifty two of them, she dealt out the whole deck.

"I hope you don't mind playing war," said Asuka. Shinji said nothing, but he didn't appear to have any complaints. "She..." Asuka blinked twice before continuing, "I don't know many games that don't involve betting and gambling is against the rules. Still I'm glad to have someone to play with. My friend, Takashi, is hardly ever up to it so I usually end up playing solitary by myself when I'm lucky enough to get the cards."

Shinji said, "Ok." Immediately afterward he felt as if this answer was lame, so he added, "I'm glad I can play with you."

Asuka spared him an appraising glance before flipping her first card. Apparently they had started to play. After about three flips, Asuka chastised him for not flipping with her at the same time. She insisted that the game was more fun that way. Other than that, there was little conversation between them. Shinji took note of the other hospital patients. He found himself oddly surprised by the fact that most of them seemed in good health. In retrospect it wasn't that surprising. This wasn't a medical hospital. But even so, the patients made him feel a bit uneasy. There was something instinctively odd about knowing that the people around you were certifiably crazy. It was strange that this feeling never seemed to include Asuka herself. He realized that the other patients were perhaps no better or worse than the girl sitting across from him, but that didn't make his discomfort go away. It didn't help that a few of them were openly staring at them. He supposed it wasn't often that the hospital had patients or visitors as young as him.

To Shinji the game seemed to last an eternity. Though he did his best to smile and enjoy himself for Asuka, his discomfort clearly showed by the way he nervously glanced around the room. Asuka took note of this as well.

"Do you want to do something else?" she asked, a note of melancholy in her voice. Shinji instantly felt like a heel.

"No. This is okay, really."

Asuka placed her remaining cards in the middle of the table and stood from her chair.

"It's alright. It's a very long game anyways. I should have picked something else..."

"We can finish playing if you want."

"No, that's okay," said Asuka with a small little smirk. "I don't want to bore you. But if anyone asks about this, be sure to tell them that I won."

Classic Asuka. Shinji couldn't help but smile and say, "Of course."


She had one more thing to show him. After having the nurse buzz them out of the recreation room Asuka led him down another short hallway hand in hand. Shinji wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to that particular feeling, but did not mind the surprise. When she held onto his hand as they exited a glass door into the courtyard an odd thought entered his brain. He wondered if this was what a date felt like.

"What do you think?" Asuka asked. It was a small enclosed area with a small wooden park bench surrounded by a handful of trees and bushes. The whole enclosed area couldn't have been much bigger than the living room of Misato's apartment, but the space was well used. Despite the wide window that put them in plain view of the recreation room, the area produced a sense of privacy.

"It's nice," said Shinji honestly. "Peaceful."

Asuka nodded in agreement. "It's the best place in the hospital. They let me come out here anytime I want, as long as it's not raining or past curfew." The confident way she looked up at him was encouraging to Shinji. Once again he was overwhelmed by that irrational feeling that everything was going to be okay.

"I'm proud of you," he said and squeezed her hand lightly. He couldn't have meant it more. The two of them took a seat on the park bench. Shinji found himself staring at a bed of bright red flowers. He didn't look up, but he had the feeling that Asuka was looking at him. For some reason that seemed okay. He didn't feel the need to look at her at all. Everything would be okay.

"I'm very happy right now," said Asuka. She leaned her head on his shoulder as she talked. For a moment, he shivered from the feel of her breath brushing by his cheek. "I didn't know if you would forgive me. If I were you, I wouldn't have, but I'm glad you're not like that. I wanted to see you sooner but I'd made such a fool of myself before... I just wanted to make sure that this time things went well. You understand don't you?"

Shinji said, "Yeah." He couldn't imagine being mad at her now. Not when they were so close like this.

"They don't even lock my door anymore," said Asuka in a near whisper. "Only at night. I have all the rights of a voluntary patient."

Shinji heart swelled with each word. It really was a breakthrough.

"Dr. Komatsu says I'm making great progress. He says that when I'm ready I could even go home. He says that as long as I attended regular consoling sessions, I could easily move back home with you."

Shinji looked down at Asuka in confusion. She reluctantly lifted her head from his shoulder.

"Then why... why are you still here?"

Asuka closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I don't want to go back yet."

"Why?" asked Shinji.

"She's... well you said it before... she's lost."

Shinji felt desperation sinking in. "Who?"

"Asuka," said Asuka with the saddest of smiles. "It's like you said. She's just this girl... and I know, I know she's a part of me. But she's out there somewhere and she's lost. I can't... I can't feel her anymore. I just... right now I can't be that person. And I know that you're waiting for me. I don't know why you do it, but I know that you're waiting for us to come home. But I can't go back yet. Not until I find her."

"Asuka..."

"I'm sorry."

Shinji tried one desperate plea. "Can't we look for her together?"

Asuka reached up a shaky hand to the other side of his face and gently raised her head to place a small kiss on his cheek.

"You're the only person she ever knew who would say something so tooth-rottingly sweet."

Though a blush rose to his face, Shinji bowed his head in defeat. He realized there was nothing he could do to talk her out of it. She wasn't coming home yet. It was a while before Asuka grabbed his hand again and spoke.

"I'm going to find her Shinji," she said with quiet determination. "I'm not going to give up. But this is something that I have to do alone. That's why... this is going to be the last time you ever visit me in this hospital."

For a moment, Shinji felt as if he'd been slapped. Headless of this, Asuka continued.

"When I see you again, I'm going to be the person I was meant to be. I want all these problems to be behind me. And then maybe... maybe we can be as close as we want to be. Okay?"

Shinji finally looked up from the ground. He looked to the red flowers in the garden, then looked into Asuka's face.

"Okay," he said and he said it with a smile.

Everything was going to be okay.


Shinji took off his shoes at the door of the apartment. His body felt as light as air. He wasn't sure what was holding him down anymore. The dull colors of the apartment seemed oddly bright and vibrant. When he heard the laugh track from the sitcom on TV he wanted to laugh along. He couldn't help but let a small chuckle slip through. When he entered the living room he was glad to see Misato laying there on the couch in her NERV uniform. It was the first time in months that he could honestly say he was glad to see her. When she saw him enter the room she lowered the volume on the TV with the remote.

"How was your visit?" asked Misato with the most peculiar look on her face.

"It was fine," said Shinji grinning from ear to ear. "We played cards."

"Oh?"

"Yeah" said Shinji. "She won."


A/N: Not the last chapter.