Loving the Pain
Chapter 3: Tears
The piercing sound of his alarm clock was really annoying him. He had orientation problems and trouble transporting his mind into the here and now.
Where was that stupid alarm clock? He was feeling for the object that caused all the noise next to him until he finally touched it with his fingers.
Unfortunately his hand was still uncertain in its movements and so the alarm clock flew on the floor next to his bed and continued ringing mockingly.
Great. Perfect start of the day.
Oh man. He was feeling awful. He should have gone to bed earlier the day before.
And this stupid alarm clock was really getting on his nerves. By now the alarm had transformed into a single, long sound that steadily grew louder and louder.
Irritated, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. He kicked his alarm clock with a fast movement of his leg and luckily, this time the noise stopped.
Finally: silence. Falling back into his bed he covered his eyes with his hand. Why was it so bright in the first place? Had he forgotten to let down the shutter? No wonder he wasn't able to sleep properly.
And why did he have to get up so early? He would have definitely preferred sleeping until noon.
He thought about it for a moment and his eyes widened over the memory that just returned to him. He sat up in an instant. Ace was here.
There was a content grin on his face now as he was suddenly wide awake.
He wondered of the black-haired one was already up. If he was unlucky, Ace would have already left while he was still asleep. But he sure didn't hope so, the younger one could at least eat breakfast with him. And Ace never refused free food.
Humming a happy melody he left his room to check of Ace was still around.
Entering the living room, however, he suddenly stopped. His eyes widened and the melody he was humming broke off in an instant.
The room was still rather dark, the only light shone through a crack between the closed curtains of his window.
Ace was no longer asleep, Marco noticed. Instead of sleeping he was sitting on the couch, his head supported by his arms and... crying?
Marco wasn't sure. He couldn't completely see the younger one. But he could make out sobbing sounds coming from Ace's direction.
He wanted to say something. Do something. But he was still standing there only staring. Marco's body just wouldn't listen to what he wanted it to do. The unexpected image before him downright paralyzed him.
At last he pulled himself together and, after a moment of hesitation, went over to where Ace was sitting. Alarmed by the sudden movement in the room the black-haired one looked up. "Marco..." was the only thing he said. His voice sounded unbearable sad.
Marco lowered his glance. Stupid. He was so stupid. He had been imagining a perfect day, even though he knew the way Ace was feeling. Or at least he should have realized what was going on, this was not the first time Ace had appeared at his place during the night. And if the black-haired one was actually feeling okay he wouldn't do something like that, would he?
Marco didn't really know anything about the other one's nightmares, but he knew how long Ace had already been suffering from them. He felt ashamed. He shouldn't have left the younger one alone. Who knew how long he'd been awake and sitting here all alone.
As always he had only been thinking about himself. He cursed himself for being so insensitive.
Not knowing what to say, he just sat down next to the younger one and pulled him close.
Confused about Marco's sudden reaction Ace moved his hands between their bodies in a self-protective manner. The older one wasn't wearing a shirt or anything and his skin felt pleasantly warm under his fingers.
In the end he gave up his resistance and let his head sink onto the shoulder of the blond one. He couldn't stop crying. It was so pathetic. He hated himself for his weakness and for always relying on Marco, just because he couldn't deal with his problems on his own.
He closed his eyes. He could make out Marco's heartbeat right below his right hand. A pleasant, steady sound that somehow calmed him down a little bit. He was sure that the older one was worried about him. Ace had always been a burden on him and still Marco had never complained. Even know he was trying to calm him down and didn't even ask what was wrong with him. Even now he considered his feelings, but Ace was sure Marco must really be wondering what his problem was.
In exactly this moment the black haired one made up his mind. He had to tell Marco what was going on. It wasn't fair to never really tell him what was going on and to only rely on him when he needed comfort. He felt like he was only using him and the thought hurt. And if he was feeling that way himself, how might Marco be feeling to begin with?
He distanced himself a little bit from the other one and wiped the tears away with his arm.
Immediately Marco grabbed a box of tissues from the table next to them and offered him one.
Mumbling a 'thank you' he took one, wiped his nose and then looked at the blond one in silence.
The silence started to be somewhat awkward and Marco tried to read the glance of the other one, but he couldn't really make out his eyes, because it was still too dark.
In the end he asked the only thing that seemed reasonable in their current situation. "Are you better now?" His voice seemed unsure. And that was exactly how he felt. He didn't know how to deal with the situation. He knew he should be doing something, but no matter how long he thought about it, nothing seemed right at the moment.
And then there was another strange feeling creeping up inside of him. And all just because of Ace's touch. As if he needed that above all things now. This was just inappropriate at the moment he scolded himself. Still he fought with himself for a moment to suppress the urge to touch Ace more than necessary.
At least the younger one wouldn't be able to see his facial expression either. That calmed him down for a bit.
Ace didn't reply to the question posed. Instead he kept starring at Marco. He tried to feel braver that he was at the moment. He had to tell him. Marco had always been there for him ever since they knew each other. He would understand and maybe help him to get rid of some of the burden he had to carry.
He opened his mouth once or twice, trying to say something, but he failed miserably.
His thoughts were restless. He wasn't able to do it.
Marco had always told him that it was okay if he didn't want to talk about it. He had always said that he understood. But Ace felt, as if he was just using the friendliness of the other one and if he didn't tell him the truth now that would never chance.
Lastly, he asked the other one with a quiet voice. "Marco, can I entrust you with something?"
The older one seemed to be surprised about this sudden question. He would have expected a lot of things, but not that Ace would be actually willing to tell him what was going on. "Of course you can." He answered softly and looked at the other one reassuringly, even though he still wasn't sure if he could even see it.
After another long pause, during which Marco thought Ace changed his mind again, the later one finally said: "Do you know, why I was sent to pop's school?"
The blond one shook his head in confusion. "No."
Ace had to smile inevitably. Of course Marco didn't know. Even though he could have just asked his father, he didn't. He hadn't taken the decision out of his hands, even though he could have. Somehow that made him a little happy. But then, thinking about how long he had left Marco in the dark about everything, this happy feeling vanished as soon as it had appeared and was replaced by a wave of guilt.
"Back then, five years ago..." He started, but didn't get any further because he was suddenly interrupted by a loud ringing on the door.
For a few seconds they looked at each other in confusion. Then Marco seemed to remember where that noise was coming from. "There's someone at the door." He pointed out as it was ringing again.
Ace looked at him slightly shocked. "That's probably Luffy." He said.
The blond one got up slowly. "I'm sure he's worried about you. Let's continue this afterwards."
Just as he was on his way to the front door Ace held him back for a moment "If it's Luffy, tell him I'm still asleep!" he said, still panicking. He definitely didn't want his younger brother to see him like this. If he did he'd sure worry about him again and he didn't want that. It was bad enough that he had woken him up the night before.
Marco nodded understandingly and then went over to his front door to open it as far as the door chain allowed him to. He knew Ace's brother. If he gave him the chance he'd charge straight inside without asking any questions first. But that chance he wouldn't offer him, not today anyway.
The person in front of his door was really Ace's little brother.
"Hey Marco. Is Ace here?" The younger one asked.
"Yeah, he came here tonight." He replied.
"How is he? Is it okay if I come inside?" The black haired one continued his questions and looked at Marco nervously. Marco examined him for a moment. Luffy seemed really worried. But he also knew that Ace wouldn't want to worry his brother more than needed, so he kept to saying what he promised Ace. "He's still sleeping."
"Ah." Luffy replied, scratching his head in embarrassment. "When he wakes up tell him I'm going to meet a few friends of mine." The next moment he was grinning from ear to ear. "Ace can stay with you, after all."
Marco wondered why Luffy was looking at him in that way when saying something like that. "I'll tell him."
"Great. Thanks!" With these words Luffy said goodbye and Marco closed the door with a sight.
On his way back to the living room he thought about what to say to Ace. Whatever happened five years ago was the reason why Ace came to them... Of course he had often wondered about the reason. But he had always respected Ace. He had never tried to find out what really happened, even though it would have been an easy task. He could access all of his father's files after all. But if Ace wanted Marco to know anything about him, he should tell him himself. Marco didn't want to break the trust the younger one had in him, for nothing in the world.
Taking a deep breath he opened the door to the living room. Hopefully the unexpected disruption hadn't changed Ace's resolve to tell him whatever was on his mind.
But as he fully opened the door he knew that the moment was already gone.
The curtains had been fully drawn back and the window had been opened. There was a fresh breeze welcoming him.
Ace was sitting cross-legged on his couch, holding a gaming-controller in his hands. His fingers were swiftly moving over the buttons and on the TV a figure moved after his commands.
Marco had to suppress an unhappy sight. Ace had used the situation perfectly to regain his composure. "I told you I don't like it when you use my console without asking." Marco said with a sulky tone of voice.
"Sorry, sorry." Was everything the younger one replied, his eyes still fixed on the screen before him.
Ultimately it was okay. As long as it was for Ace, Marco had no right to explain. The black haired one would sooner or later talk to him about his secrets and when that day would come, he'd be here for him to listen.
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I realized I do not like translating all too much. But then again I didn't work on the original version of this fanfic much either over the course of the last months. And I just got back into writing a while ago after taking a really long break for whatever reasons.
Hopefully I'll get back to it now. Catch up on the translation of LtP and continuing to write the original one, too...
Alena
