I felt like I was in a daze, unaware of my surroundings. Life was a blur and I couldn't focus to save my life. Mother gently asked if anything happened and I mumbled an excuse. Thais asked why I was completely ruining the fabrics and I simply looked away. I asked myself what to do over and over again. It was like an obsession. When I wake up, I think: will I miss seeing the sun? And yet, when I walk around the public square, I think: will I miss seeing my feet?
I paused; my eyes still glued to my feet.
Do I want to do this every day for the rest of my life? Why should I hide? Can they simply not mind me? I'm still human, aren't I?
Holding my breath, I looked up. I pulled my hood off and continued walking to the training school. Hope jumps through my heart. It's going well; no one is looking at me! Maybe I am not seen as just a freak of nature…
Rowdy laughter from nearby took that hope and pummeled it into the ground.
"Look, men, a monster to slay!" a rough voiced boy announced to his group of friends.
One warned the original boy, "She might be a witch, Alexander."
He simply laughed it off. "She is but a girl, though a monstrous one at that. See she blushes like one."
Anger and hatred filled my heart. If ever I wished for magic powers, it would be now so I can melt him into the ground. I stepped toward them and some watched with wary expressions.
I raised my hands as I've seen the witches in the plays do it. Using a calm and powerful tone I said, "Beware your ruthless heart; I see darkness and a tragic end to your life."
There was a collection of gasps and the boy furiously said, "Remove your wicked curse at once!"
I did my best impression of a witch's crackle and replied, "Only you have the power to do that. If you can do it on time and time runs short, Alexander."
Before he could say anything, I quickly ran in the opposite direction. I tried to tell myself that I felt good after all that. That his words didn't hurt and that my revenge was sweet. But I can't lie to myself about such delicate matters. And a woman's heart is the most delicate matter. I fell to my knees and hid my face behind my hands.
"Are you of health, maiden?" a friendly voice said.
I looked up to kind brown eyes and a man's open hand. He helped lift me off the ground and I numbly shook my head yes. The man was smiling sympathetically.
"I saw what you did to that boy. He deserved whatever curse you put on him. My name is Ajax and I beg you, great sorceress, I need your most urgent of help. There is a woman I love who loves another so I require a love potion. I will pay any price. I have gold, if you desire that."
He was handsome in his own right and seemed honest and wonderfully hopeful. I felt guilty for unintentionally deceiving him. Yet when I opened my mouth to disillusion him, I said instead, "Any price?"
"Anything your heart desires," and his eyes assured endearingly that he meant it.
I licked my suddenly dry lips. I've never been in a position of command before. What did I want? Riches? Beauty? I lacked both and as such desired both (though one much more than the other). In my heart of hearts, what was it that I truly wanted?
I fixed my eyes onto his. "I want you to love me," came out the quiet, shy words.
A mix of surprise and horror flashed across his features. It felt like a sword to my heart and at that moment, I wanted nothing more than a sword to literally run me through.
I took in a steadying breath and quickly said, "Walk on; I have no magic. It is only trickery that I played. I do believe that you ought not to waste your time. Find another to be your bride…" I pulled my hood on and without looking at him, I said, "Farewell, Ajax."
Tears burned my eyes as I ran. I burst into Aphrodite's temple crying.
"I have made my decision. I made it long ago, shortly after you placed your curse and I can't believe it took such time to realize. Aphrodite, make me beautiful," I cried out, all the way to the altar. "I just want to be beautiful."
"There, there, my dear," she shushed as she cupped my face. "Men cannot see much beyond their eyes, I know. I will make it better."
The last thing I saw was the goddess of love and beauty leaning in, flaming tresses framing her face, pouting full red lips, and mischief in her auburn eyes.
I felt her lips touch mine softly and then everything ripped away. I wanted to cry at the dreadful pain but I couldn't make any more tears so instead I screamed.
All I heard was, "They are mine! Now no one can actually have eyes more beautiful than mine! Especially not a mere mortal!"
I heard nothing else, so I assumed she was gone. With trembling hands, I touched my face. My lips, nose, and skin felt different. They quickly traced down my body and it felt different too. I started to laugh hysterically.
"Am I- beautiful?" I grinned widely and more confidently repeated, "Am I beautiful?"
Stumbling outside, I ran into someone. As if it's the most natural thing to say, I asked, "Am I beautiful?"
The grumbling man's voice said, "Is this a trick? Yes, you are."
I think I must have opened my eyelids because he gasped and said, "Gods, what happened to your eyes?"
I stumbled away from him and hit someone else, "Am I beautiful?"
"Am I beautiful?"
"Am I beautiful?"
"Am I beautiful?"
All that existed were these words. Nothing else mattered. I needed to know and so I asked and asked and asked. I kept walking in one direction and I was stumbling on various things I couldn't identify but I needed to find someone else to ask.
"Any soul, please tell me I am beautiful!" I called out into the darkness of my own world.
Desperation gripped me. I needed and needed and needed someone to tell me. My hands reached wildly around me to find someone, anyone but they only grasped air. Air and only air was suddenly all around me. I recognized that I must have been falling from a great height. I must have blindly walked off a cliff.
My last thought was how can anyone know who I am, if I am beautiful?
At that point, I felt the pain of all the bones in my body simultaneously crushing and piercing my insides for a split second that lasted for eternity.
My name is Cynthia and death was not my worst experience.
