An hour later, Blake knocked on Oobleck's door. They had taken advantage of the lull during class to sneak back to their dorms to shower and change, then headed towards the history professor's office, distracting team SSSN with brief use of steam dust while they snuck by.
The newlyweds waited a long moment, but there was no response. "Maybe he's out?" Pyrrha suggested, and Blake went to knock again.
Before she could, the door was flung open, and the green haired professor seized her hand.
"Welcome back, Mr. and Mesdames Arc!" Oobleck said, shaking vigorously. "Or did you all decide to keep your maiden names? I suppose it isn't particularly important, as Ozpin has informed me of your intention to seek annulment. All the same, surnames are a major part of one's heritage, and any competent genealogist knows their importance, especially when trying to chart a family tree-"
"Professor" Pyrrha interrupted. "Could we get on with it?"
Oobleck shook himself. "You are correct!" he said. "We have no time for idle chitchat, if we're going to dissolve this marriage, we need to get to work!" he turned and dashed back into the room. "Come now, our research awaits!"
Blake looked to the others, who merely shrugged, so she sighed and led the way after their teacher. A moment later, she drew back, startling the others. "What's the holdup?" Weiss snapped. "...oh"
In the center of the room, old books had been piled up into a pyramid taller than Ruby. Oobleck came running out of a closet, carrying another stack and adding it to the pile.
"Professor…" Pyrrha said, concerned. "Do you mean to tell us that all those books are Remnant's marriage laws?"
Oobleck frowned. "What? No, of course not. That'd be ridiculous."
Pyrrha exhaled in relief
"I only retrieved the tomes that directly involve polyamory." Oobleck said. "No sense in cluttering up our research with unnecessary information!"
Yang let out an audible gulp.
Oobleck zipped around the room, rapidly dividing the pile into six stacks. "I suggest you each take a pile, and begin searching for anything that references annulment or divorce." he called. "I'll serve as a general aide and translator, so simply ask if you find something that you don't understand."
"Let's get cracking!" Ruby called, grabbing the first book off a stack and opening it. Blake approached another pile, and examined the title of the top manuscript.
"A treatise on polygamous and polyandrous unions, section IV." she read aloud. Blake groaned inwardly, but blew the dust off the cover and opened to the title page. Mom always said that a marriage takes effort, but this is ridiculous.
For the next half hour, they mostly read in silence, occasionally calling out interesting or unusual finds.
"This book's nothing but rules regarding lineage." Pyrrha said, flipping through. "Do any of you have a noble title?"
"Standards for the bequeathment of wealth." Jaune read aloud. "If funds are sufficient, every legitimate heir must first receive a tract of fertile farmland at least five furlongs in both length and width, or monetary compensation of equivalent value." he looked around to the others in confusion. "What the heck is a furlong?"
"More than a furshort." Yang suggested.
"Never forget that frivolous as these laws may all seem today, at one time they were vital to the stability of our nation and the wellbeing of its peoples." Oobleck said. "The book in Mrs. Nikos's hands may have once made the difference between peaceful transfer of power and a bloody succession war."
"To consummate a marriage, one must 'engage in copulation with at least one other spouse.'" Ruby read, then frowned at the book. "What does 'copulation' mean?"
"Hanky panky." Weiss said.
"You mean the party dance?" Ruby asked. "I love doing the Hanky Panky!"
"No!" Weiss yelped. "That's completely different!"
Ruby looked at her with confusion, so Weiss tried again. "Intercourse? Making love? The horizontal tango?" Ruby's expression became more and more confused as the heiress listed synonyms. "You know, doing it!" she finally snapped.
"Doing what?" Ruby asked. Weiss looked ready to explode.
Yang sighed. "Do you remember the talk Dad gave you two summers ago?"
Ruby blushed at the memory. "About how bodies change and babies come from people doing weird naked stuff?"
"Yeah." Yang said. "That's what it means."
"The weird naked stuff?" Ruby asked, and her sister nodded. "Oh." Ruby said, looking back at the page. "That fits, I suppose." she returned to reading in silence for several moments longer.
"Wait!" Ruby suddenly shouted, looking back to the others with horror. "We weren't wearing anything when we woke up this morning! Does that mean that last night we…" she broke off, too mortified to continue.
"Yes." Weiss said impatiently. "Are you only now understanding that?"
"So me and Jaune…" Ruby buried her face in the book and let out a whimper.
Blake patted her on the shoulder. "Try not to think about it too much." she soothed.
"I don't get why we need to do all this." Jaune said, gesturing to the growing pile of discarded books. "Like here, it defines the age of marital consent as thirteen! There's no way that's still legal today!"
"You're probably correct." Oobleck agreed. "Many, probably even most, of these laws wouldn't survive a legal challenge in the modern era. However, if you seek to terminate your marriage in a timely fashion, the last thing you want to do is seek change through the courts."
Weiss nodded. "Father's still fighting lawsuits that were started a generation ago." she said. "Even with something straightforward like this, we'd probably be looking at the better part of five years, start to finish."
Blake cringed at the idea of being unwillingly married for five years. "Let's not do that then." she said, picking up the next book.
"Found it!" Yang called. "A list of valid causes for annulment and dissolution of a marriage!" The others put down their books and gathered around her.
"Hey!" Weiss exclaimed, pointing to a paragraph. "This says that anyone can immediately withdraw from a marriage by publicly declaring your intention to the… town crier?" she looked up in confusion. "Who the dusts is that?"
"It was a position charged with informing the public of recent events before the advent of universal literacy" Oobleck said, interested. "I doubt that Vale still appoints one, but if not, a newspaper announcement would likely be considered a valid legal substitution."
"Great!" Yang said, reading the paragraph. "We'll just have to call the Chronicler and…" she sighed. "never mind."
"What's wrong?" Blake asked.
"'as long as the union hasn't been consummated.'" Yang said. "So much for that."
"What are the other reasons?" Jaune asked, trying unsuccessfully to see over everyone else's heads.
Blake looked down to the next heading. "Infertility" she read. "Any member can withdraw after failure to produce an heir for two years of at least biweekly copulation. If indications are found that either party attempted to prevent conception through use of barriers, consumption of silphium or substances of equivalent effect, or through withdrawal before achieving release, this time period is reset."
"Twice a week, fifty two weeks in a year… for two years" Jaune paled as he did the mental math. "Times five!"
"Not to mention that it's gotta be protection free." Yang added. "Knock someone up, and you're together for life."
"Can we not?" Jaune asked weakly. "Please?"
Blake turned the page and continued. "The Dark Arts" she read. "If any member of the marriage is found guilty of black magic, the entire union is henceforth dissolved."
"That's obsolete." Oobleck said. "All legislation punishing witchcraft was purged from the constitutions at the end of the Great War."
"Even if it weren't, didn't they burn witches alive?" Pyrrha said. "A divorce wouldn't be worth letting that happen to one of us."
"It wouldn't?" Weiss asked, glaring at Jaune.
Ruby punched her partner in the arm. "Be nice." she chided.
Trying draw the conversation away from him being burned at the stake, Jaune looked onwards to the next entry in the list. "If a husband proves to be unwilling or unable to provide satisfaction to a wife, she may level formal charges against him in the court of law." He read. "The accused must demonstrate his capacity in the presence of at least ten independent witnesses, as well as the closest male and female relative of both parties. After three hours, if a majority judges that he failed to bring the offended party to release, she is freed from the bonds of the union."
"Absolutely. Not." Weiss said, her face going crimson as she imagined participating in such a trial. "Next one, please."
"If the marriage was performed with an unwilling member, with one who was unaware of the conditions of the agreement or a participant drunken on wine or any other mind altering substance, the entire union is hereby considered to be retroactively null and void." Pyrrha read, and grinned at the others. "We've got it!"
"Finally, a law that makes sense." Blake said. "What do we need to do to in order to make it official?"
"We just need to declare this to the minister who performed the union." Pyrrha said, reading the rest of the paragraph. "Once we have proof that we did that, we've just got to deliver it to a courthouse."
Ruby examined the certificate. "Rev. Robin Alroy, at the chapel of the Wandering Saint" she read. "We can probably call him from the CCT, and tell him we changed our minds."
"That's not the only thing I'd like to tell him." Weiss muttered. "What idiot agrees to marry a bunch of drunk teenagers in the first place?"
"Very well, to the Cross Continental Transmit System we go!" Oobleck called. He grabbed his thermos from the nearest pile of books, then headed towards the door. "Onwards, fellow historians!"
Oobleck flung open the door, then cocked his head in surprise. Team CRDL stood in the hallway, with Cardin's hand raised to knock. "Hello Professor." Cardin said, recovering from surprise. "We wanted to speak with Jaune, and heard that he was in here?"
Oobleck frowned at the boy. "I'm afraid you'll have to postpone your little rivalry with Mr. Arc for another time. We have serious business to attend to."
"It's not that, honest!" Cardin defended himself. "We need his advice about something important!"
"Regardless, I'm afraid it'll have to wait" Oobleck said, pushing through the team. "Come students, let us be off."
Team CRDL looked disappointed, but seemed unwilling to argue with a teacher. They hung back as the others filed out of the office and headed for the door. "Come find us later, Buddy!" Cardin called to Jaune. "We'll save a seat for you at dinner!"
Blake winced as they walked outside, the sunlight intensifying her headache. "Wonder what they wanted with Jaune." she muttered to Yang.
"Probably just another pathetic attempt at blackmail." Yang said. "That's what it was last time."
Their conversation broke off as the whine of an airship approached the school. "That's weird." Pyrrha said, checking the time. "The ferry shouldn't be due for another half hour."
"Look!" Ruby called. A trio of Atlesian dropships swooped over the school buildings, slowing as they approached the lawn.
"What in the world?" Oobleck demanded. "Why would Atlas send assault forces here?"
"Don't know, but I've got a bad feeling about this." Blake said, as the craft pulled to a complete halt, forming a circle directly above them.
Weiss looked horrified. "He wouldn't…" she muttered. Before she could continue, the crew compartment of the first two dropships opened. Several dozen Atlesian Knights poured out, leaping to the ground and raising their weapons. A moment later, the final dropship released its cargo, and a pair of spider droids slammed into the dirt, shaking the ground with their impact.
"What is the meaning of this!" Oobleck shouted. He stormed towards the nearest Knight, ignoring the guns pointed at his head. "Military forces are expressly forbidden on campus grounds!"
A red light activated on the Knight's helm, and a male voice echoed from the robot. "This is retribution for crimes against the Schnee family" it said. "Stand aside, schoolteacher."
"Father!" Weiss called, running forwards. "I know you're angry, but I promise that I can explain!" The Knight simply pointed its weapon at the girl's head. Weiss stumbled back, stunned. "Explain what, you little harlot?" her father growled. "How you married yourself away to spread your legs for five people in a single night? How you've managed to turn yourself into the family's greatest embarrassment in a over century?"
Weiss stammered, her face going crimson as she fought back both anger and tears.
"Now Jacques, let's be reasonable." Oobleck said, stepping between the girl "I understand why you're upset, but it's still improper to-"
The Knight slapped at the professor, sending his thermos rolling down the path. "How dare you?" Oobleck demanded, running after it.
The robots marched forward, shoving Weiss and Pyrrha to the side as they advanced. Blake reached for Gambol Shroud, but her hand grasped at empty air. She groaned, remembering how they'd stashed their weapons in the locker room before changing.
"Time to settle this offense against the Schnee name." Weiss's father called, as the Knights closed in on their target. Jaune yelped as he saw a dozen gun barrels pointing in his direction. He turned to run, only to find another trio of Knights had approached from behind, cutting off his escape. "Kill the boy!"
