Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet

Review 4: Second Life

"Are we on?" Gwen blows some of her hair off her face. "Bridge, we on?"

"In three, two..." Bridgette gets behind the camera, she holds up one finger, and then signals Gwen.

"Alright, and we are recording. Wassup net freaks, I'm Gwen, this meat head beside me is Geoff, and this is our review show."

"Wassup homeys? Did ya miss us? It's been ages!" Geoff smiles at the camera, waving like crazy. "And hey! Check it out, my girl's now a part of the crew! She's the cameraman now! Say hi, Bridge!"

"Geoff, I'd rather not." Bridge says from behind the camera. "Oh shit, this ain't live, is it?"

"Hell no." Gwen snickers. "But if it were, it'd be uncensored and uncut."

"OK, so you guys are probably wondering where the hell we been all this time. Well, we had a little virus a while back, then our site got hacked by this guy who didn't like our content. We recorded a new episode about Amanda Todd, right? But we didn't upload it because we didn't know if it would be well received or not..." Geoff clears his throat. "Anyway, we'd like to apologize to all our fans for the wait we made them go through."

"Yeah, the four or five morons who enjoy this shitty show unironically." Gwen rolls her eyes. "Anyway, today we are going to talk to you about a big, stinking pile of horse shit. This is part of that horrible cancer that's ruining the Internet."

"She is not exagerating, guys. This is a pretty bad game." Geoff chuckles. "But only if you think about it too hard."

"Second Life. Guys, just the NAME makes my blood boil." Gwen seethes with anger. "It's like this: you make a crappy avatar that looks NOTHING like you and then you walts around a 3D environment, pretending to be something you're not."

"Uh...guys, I know that normally I'm the voice of dissent on this show. But this is one of those few, FEW times I ever agree with Gwen." Geoff sighs. "In Second Life, you can customize your avatar any way you want it. And I mean any way possible! Here's a few examples of just how you can customize your avatar!"

A picture of 500 different avatars is shown. Not one of those avatars look alike. To describe a pair, one of these avatars is a man with jet black hair in a Caesar cut, a black tee shirt, jeans, biker boots and a pair of sunglasses. Another avatar has long, brown hair, a white tee shirt, milky white skin, a red skirt, red pumps and a pair of silver earrings.

"Most people choose to make their avatars look 'trendy', 'sexy' and generally rich looking. Basically, it's escapism at its very worst." Gwen rubs her forehead. "Generally, you'll see the same body type, no matter where you go: supermodel skinny for women, adonis like for men."

"Though some people go for muscular girl avatars and skinny male ones. Also there's furries." Geoff chuckles. "Kinda freaky, eh?"

"Yeah, but those are few and far, far, FAR between. Truth is, most people just end up looking like this." Gwen shows a picture of a female avatar. She is tanned, has blonde hair, wears sunglasses and a silky green dress. The avatar looks like a classic movie star.

"So how about we take a rundown of who might really be behind every avatar, eh?" Gwen grins evilly.

She holds a picture of an avatar. It is male, with sunglasses and a black suit. "This avatar belongs to some unemployed jackass who lives with his mom."

She holds a picture of a female avatar with flowing red hair, long legs, a white sun dress, white high heel shoes, and some bracelets. "This avatar belongs to that girl you knew in high school who could never get a date because her breath smelled like farts."

She holds one last picture. It is another female avatar, with plump breasts, a ripped T shirt, ripped jeans, high heel shoes, and black hair in a ponytail. "And this belongs to a guy in real life."

"That last part is super freaky." Geoff laughs out loud. "I can understand wanting an avatar that's nice to look like, but dude, don't go around pretending to be a girl!"

"And of course, there are girls who pretend to be men." Gwen sighs. "This wouldn't be so bad if everything just stayed like that, but it gets worse."

"There are people that actually form relationships on Second Life. Like, REAL relationships, you know?" Geoff scratches his head. "I mean, why? Why do people do that kinda thing, yo?"

"Check this out. There are people who have pretend BABIES on Second Life! Ladies and gentlemen, there are people out there that treat a bunch of zeroes and ones like if they were REAL babies!" Gwen huffs. "Freaks, all of them."

"I know some people are into pretending and all, but dudes, seriously. It's a bunch of zeroes and ones. It ain't real." Geoff chuckles. "It's like a Tamagotchi, yo."

"Yeah. I know some of you have real lives that absolutely suck. Most of you are losers that never get laid, never shower, and work at Burger King for minimum wage. You suck, and that explains why you wanna escape to a second life and suck a lot less." Gwen sighs. "But you don't suck less. You don't stop sucking until you fucking do something about your shit-tacular life. Go out! Meet people! Shower daily! Throw your garbage in a garbage bag! But don't go logging into your computer and pretend that you are someone else!"

"Life's good, homeys! Go out and enjoy it!" Geoff gives two thumbs up. "I love you dudes and duddettes, all of you!"

"Hey Gwen, do you have to be such a potty mouth?" Bridgette sighs. "I am so glad we can edit this later..."

"Edit? Bridge, what are you talking about?" Gwen snickers. "This is live!"

"Oh sh-" And Bridgette truns off the camera at that moment.