Chapter Four

It had been a long day, and the EMS runs were the least of it. Oz and Toby were riding back to wrap up the paperwork and head out.

"How's Detective Marks doing? " Oz tossed off in casual conversation. His partner had been more quiet and withdrawn since that afternoon.

"Hmm? Oh she's doing better." The battle between keeping his word and putting a friend in danger had been squeezing out all the other voices since he left Charlie's room that day. "Oz… do you think it's right to not tell someone everything you know in order to protect them?"

++ Where's this coming from? ++ "Protect them from what?" Puzzlement etched across Oz's face. "What are we talking about here? "

"Marks asked me today about my past." He admitted hesitantly.

"Yeah, and?" Oz could be a little thick at times when it came to being subtle.

"And if I tell her everything I know it could lead her into danger. I don't know much about what happened in my life before I was brought to the orphanage, but I do know it was not full of puppies and balloons. There is real danger there even if I can't remember from whom or why." Toby was able to confide in Oz knowing that his friend would be straight with him yet keep his counsel between them.

"She's a pretty tough cookie. I think she can handle whatever becomes of her knowing." Oz glanced over to see that distant look had not left his friend's face. "Hey you can't always protect everyone. It'll be OK you'll see." It's what Toby couldn't see or remember that worried him most, but he tried to shake it off and smile reassuringly as the ambulance pulled to a stop.


Before going to see Detective Marks, Toby darted home to grab the picture he had of his mother and himself. Standing alone in his apartment the doubts and warnings he had lived with for longer than he could remember crowded in as memory replayed itself.

He's coming! Hide… Your name is Toby Logan … That's the only name you've ever had … What are you afraid of Toby? My mother had the gift too… it drove her out of her mind

What if all I'm doing is putting those closest to me in danger by letting them know more about me? Where does it stop, and how can I tell her what she will want to know when I don't even have the answers to my own questions? Most of his life was shut apart from others because of who he was. Not just what he could do but who he had grown into as a result. He always stood a little apart from life like an observer. Stepping into the game after a lifetime of watching was both terrifying and exhilarating.

He took one last deep breath to clear his head and left to go back to the hospital.

Walking down the crisp halls he spotted Olivia and nodded to her in greeting. "Hey there Liv how's it going?"

"Just got roped into a double. Ask me when it's over." She tossed out as she sorted through a stack of charts then turned towards him. "You off for the night?"

"Yeah, stopped by to see how Detective Marks is doing." He forced his voice to sound casual, and hoped the tension didn't show.

"She should be ready to be discharged tomorrow. She's lucky not to have been more seriously injured. I've got to get going, but catch you later." With that Olivia was down the hall scribbling notes in the charts as she moved.

Toby fortified his shields as he walked down to Charlie's room. She had her eyes closed when he arrived at the door, but as he turned to leave he heard her speak.

"I'm not asleep." He turned back to find her eyes trained on him intently.

"Looks like you are making a break out of here tomorrow Detective." He attempted a nonchalant smile, but failed miserably. Small talk was not his specialty and it showed but it filled the few moments till he lightly closed her room door and sat down.

There were several moments of silence then Charlie spoke again, "Look about before… You don't owe me anything."

"You're wrong. I gave you my word and I'm going to keep to it. Problem is I don't know where to start. It's not like many people know about my past." Or my present given my talents he thought to himself as he ran his hands over his eyes and back through his hair.

"My memories before the foster home system are a bit foggy at best. I lost my mom when I was five." It was harder than he thought it would be to lay it all out after having kept the secrets hidden inside for a lifetime. "Someone brought me to Ray who helped me get the voices under control, and learn to block them out." He took out the picture from his apartment. "This is my mom and me about six months before she was gone."

"How did she die?" She traced the lines in the picture of two smiling faces.

"She drowned." It was the simple truth if not the complete version.

"Do you have any other family?" she questioned as she handed the photo back.

"I remember my mom had a baby boy…, but my brother was taken not long after he was born."

"Taken?"

He stood up and paced a few steps, "The memories are fragmented. There was a trailer… my mother told me to hide and this man went inside, but I don't know who he was or why he took my baby brother. There was an explosion." His voice faltered for a moment then he looked into her eyes and his voice lowered, "My mother told me my name was Toby Logan, and she had me repeat it and told me that was the only name I was to remember ever having."

"Which suggests that it was not the name you had … at least not before 1986. " She nodded thoughtfully.

"Excuse me?" Toby caught the added info and realized she had been checking into his past before this conversation, "You had me checked out before?"

"Well checked out is a little extreme… when you kept coming up with all these mysteriously known facts I got curious as to just who you were. A simple background check was done to try to get a better picture." She was a bit flustered at having this bit of news come out, but felt completely justified in having done the research. "Did you ever try to find out if your brother is still alive? Or what this man was after? "

"I've thought about him, but I only saw him as a baby." The hardest part stuck in his throat as it would reveal fears that only Ray had known before. "As far as I know my mother had the same gift as I do…. It drove her out of her mind. There is no guarantee that the same thing won't happen to me." He tried to lighten the mood a bit, "Or maybe it already has, huh? Why else would I be crazy enough to tell you all this?" His smile didn't work to hide the underlying fear.

"You know you can trust me," Charlie said solemnly, then she smirked, "and I would tell you if you were crazy."

"Trust works both ways you know. Why didn't you tell me about the coach on the Robbins case? You deliberately blocked me out. And, by the way, where did you learn that little trick?" There was hurt mixed with curious suspicion in his voice as the conversation turned back to the current situation.

"You've explained before that you can only read what is present in someone's mind at that moment. From there I learned to concentrate my thoughts on what I wanted you to see rather than allow myself to be an open book. If you want to know what I think you should ask me not listen to my thoughts." Her chin jutted out defensively.

"I did ask, remember? You didn't tell me the whole truth, and I was worried as something was obviously wrong." He backed down a pace, "Maybe I shouldn't have tried to push it by reaching out to listen, but you shouldn't have hidden the truth either. Can we call a truce?" Both were unfamiliar with letting someone in to care about them, but it was a start.

"Fine. You don't get inside my head, and I won't keep things from you."

"I didn't choose to be like this Charlie, and I am sorry if you feel I've stepped over some boundaries. This is who I am. I used to be able to block it all out, but lately…"

"Wait… when did things change?"

"You remember the case we met on? The cop who died, and the car accident victim whose son was kidnapped?" She nodded. "That was the first time since I learned to put up the barriers that someone got through. Since then strong emotion is enough to break through even when I'm trying not to hear. Can you deal with that in me?"

"Yeah I can deal." The start of a genuine smile spread across her face.

He smiled back, "Good 'cause I'd hate to think one of us had to get a new line of work." The teasing in his voice showed the tension had been dispelled between them. The merriment was short lived however as there was still a serious matter to address.

Leaning closer to her bedside his tone became a firm whisper, "Charlie, I know you are not going to like what I have to say, but you need to talk to someone. You glossed over a major trauma in your life and for a decade it stayed buried but recent events have forced you to face those memories and they are putting your life in jeopardy with your lack of sleep and distraction."

She bristled. "I'm fine." He stared at her without saying a word, and the conversation from a few minutes earlier ran back through her mind. If they were to really trust each other she would have to let him in her life in a way she never allowed anyone to be. That terrified her more than the recent explosion that could have cost her life.

"Why didn't you report the rape seventeen years ago when it happened?" He could guess why, but she needed to admit it to herself first.

She looked away, "I was too ashamed. No one forced me to take that drink or go over to his place. I didn't think it would make any difference for anyone else to know. It happened. It was over, but…" her voice trailed off.

"But it might have made a difference for someone else?" He could see the distress through the unspoken words.

"If I had reported it then, and he had been convicted…" a tear silently rolled down her face.

"You think if you had spoken up that Cali and maybe others would not have been hurt." He didn't need to read her mind to put the pieces together. She blamed herself for not stopping him both back then and for any crimes he had committed since then.

"It wasn't your fault. Not then and not now. Charlie, you deal with victims in your work… you know even if you don't feel it's true that the victim is not to blame." She stared silently at him and he held her eye contact, "It's not your fault."

She looked so much more tired now than when he first walked into the room. "I'll go and let you get some sleep, but Charlie I'm not going to let you destroy yourself by refusing to get help." He finally broke her gaze as he got up to leave.

"What about your past. Doesn't it haunt you?" It was a last ditch effort to pull away she knew, but desperation to keep ignoring her past rather than face it brought the words to her lips.

"Every day." He admitted with a half smile and sad eyes. "See you tomorrow."

Finally alone, Charlie let the mask of anger slip and the tears came.