Disclaimer: They aren't mine ... wish they were.
Elliot held onto Maureen's hand tightly as they entered the lab, Olivia and Michael hovered near the door wanting to give them support but enough space to go through this together.
"Well, hello there," Melinda said, warmly. "We're going to make this as quick and easy as possible, okay?" Both nodded. "Now, you both know these results today won't be conclusive but will give us a clear indication of where things stand." Both nodded again. "Ready?" she asked, smiling at the silent duo.
After drawing samples of blood from both of them and doing a cheek swab, Melinda tried to dispatch them to the cafeteria but it was to no avail. Neither wanted to do anything else but know what the outcome was and all the coffee in the world was not going to make it come quicker. Forty minutes into their wait, Melinda called Olivia aside.
"Listen, Liv," she said quietly as Elliot and Maureen chatted quietly on the chairs nearby. "The machine is having a few problems. Don't think we're going to get any result today."
"Definitely the machine?" Olivia checked.
"Yeah, nothing to do with the samples. How do you think they're going to cope?" Melinda asked, glancing to the pair.
"Not well, just make sure you emphasise it's the machine," she advised.
Melinda walked over to the pair, both standing as she approached.
"Whatever it is, you'll always be my dad, right?" Maureen whispered, gripping his arm.
"That's right, Mo, and you'll always be my daughter," he reassured, kissing her head.
"I don't have the results yet," Melinda started, resting her hand on Elliot's arm. "And with the problems I'm having with the machine, we're not going to have them today."
"When will you know?" Elliot asked, patting Maureen's hand.
"24 – 48 hours," she sighed. "I've got a call in to the tech but it's Sunday and, god knows when I'll see him here. I'm really sorry," she apologised.
"Can't you do it any other way?" Maureen asked, not wanting this to drag out any longer, especially with the funeral the following day.
"I can send the samples to another lab, but they won't prioritise it, and well, you know how that goes…" she informed them.
"Okay, you keep them. I trust you…" Elliot said, he knew his daughter was struggling to keep it together but he needed it done properly, he couldn't go through this again.
"I promise I'll try and get it done as fast as I can and I'll let you know as soon as humanly possible," Melinda reassured them.
It was 7:15 PM and Elliot and Olivia sat in the car park of the Serenade Bar and Grill, her hand in his as he tried to ready himself to see their colleagues.
"We can cancel," Olivia suggested, as Elliot glanced to the clock yet again. "I'm sure the guys will understand."
He rested his head back before rolling it around to face her. "You just want me for yourself, don't you?"
"Wow, you've seen through my plan," she smiled, her hand tenderly caressing his face.
"Well, as great a plan as that is how about we go in and eat, and call it quits early? That okay?" he asked.
"Whatever you want," she reassured him.
"Can you remember that phrase in the future, when we've dealt with things?" he asked.
"Sorry?" she asked.
"Whatever I want … there are many things I want and they all relate to you … well, except for one," he sighed.
"She'll be yours, El," Olivia said, kissing his cheek. "I truly believe she's yours."
"Elliot," called John as Elliot and Olivia entered the bar. John shook his hand firmly before Fin did the same, as their condolences were offered. As the waitress came over to lead them to a table, Elliot placed his hand on the small of Olivia's back, just needing to reassure himself that she was there with him. Only Olivia noticed.
They were seated by a large bay window, overlooking a lit garden and water feature. Olivia and Elliot sat on one side, John and Fin sat on the other, all more than willing to spend longer than required looking out the window at the view. Elliot shifted in his seat a few times, knowing he should have taken up Olivia's offer and cancelled. He wasn't too sure what he was going to say to the men who faced him. Right now he was hurt, confused, bereaved and anxious, and that didn't make for a good dinner companion.
"How's the Edgmont case going?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of her water.
"Slowly," Fin replied, as Elliot shifted once more. "We've got it pinned on the ex."
"Just waiting for the lab results," John added and Elliot just grunted; he knew about that.
By now, Elliot had repositioned himself so his arm touched Olivia's and he finally settled. While he would prefer her to hold his hand, and stroke his head and help him through what was undoubtedly the worst period of his life, he would settle for her arm alongside his, gently brushing together whenever either one moved.
"El?" John called, breaking him from his wanderings.
"Sorry?" he apologised.
"Said what are you drinking tonight?" John repeated, pointing up at the drinks waiter standing next to the table.
"Oh, um … anything strong …" he said.
"Whiskey and soda for the man," John ordered, before requesting his own. As Fin and Olivia ordered John looked back at Elliot, whose eyes were firmly fixed on the table cloth. "Elliot?" He waited for his friend to look up. "After we have this drink, go, you don't need to be here, okay?"
Elliot looked up at him. "It's okay, I appreciate the offer …"
"I know," John began, "but you're struggling being here, aren't you?" Elliot nodded. "Get Liv to take you home."
At the last remark Fin and Olivia turned their attention back to the others. "El, I'm sorry," Fin said. "Shoulda realised this was the last place you'd wanna be. Especially with tomorrow."
"Don't worry about it," Elliot replied. "I think I'm more stressed about today."
"Today?" John questioned. "What happened today?"
Elliot got to his feet. "Just going to the bathroom," he said. "Liv can tell you."
Once he was out of earshot, Olivia related the events of the day.
"Ah fuck, that's not on," hissed Fin. "If she's done it to him twice … god knows what he'll do…"
"I know," Olivia nodded.
"How's he doing, really?" John asked.
"He's absolutely shattered by Eli and terrified about Mo," she replied sadly.
"I bet," said Fin. "How's Mo?"
"Beside herself," Olivia answered.
"I bet," Fin repeated.
"You know," John started slowly. "El and I were on surveillance about four months back and were having a deep and meaningful … anyway I asked about Eli and whether he'd have gone back to her had this not happened and he said no, and that they would probably never married in the first place had it not been for Maureen. If Maureen's not his, everything since has been based on a lie – how do you get over that?" Olivia closed her eyes and sighed, she had no idea.
In the end, Elliot and Olivia stayed for two drinks, before picking up take out and heading to her place. Olivia opened the door; put the bags on the coffee table before going into her room to quickly change into her sweats. When she returned, Elliot was standing by the bureau, her framed photo of herself and Eli at his christening in his shaking hands. She moved to him, her hand gently touching his.
"I have to bury him tomorrow, Liv," he whispered as tears streamed down his face. "I have to watch as they lower a tiny white coffin into the ground and every hope and dream I had for him will be buried with him. And my heart will break because I loved him… so very much." He stopped and took a deep breath. "You know, no parent should have to bury a child and I have to and it's killing me… and he wasn't even mine," he hissed, as he replaced the frame. "Wasn't mine."
Olivia stepped in front of him and held onto him tightly, his arms surrounded her immediately and he buried his face in her hair. "Wasn't mine…" he repeated, his tears endless. "And Maureen … god help me, if she's not mine …"
She ran her hands to his face. "Listen to me, Elliot," she said quietly but firmly. "I know it's hard but try not to think about Mo, okay? If… and it's a big if… if things turn out for the worst then we'll deal with it. But right now there are real things to be concerned with," she said taking his hand and leading him to the sofa. "And the first thing is to get you to eat."
"Liv, I'm not…" he started.
"Hungry, yeah I know. But I also know you've had nothing since the pizza last night, and that's not going to do you any good, is it?" she asked, opening up the containers. He shook his head. "So how about you eat something and make me happy?"
For the first time in a long time he smiled at her. "Thank you," he whispered, kissing her cheek.
"For what?" she asked, padding to the kitchen for drinks.
"For everything," he replied, following her.
"You are more than welcome," she smiled, hugging him. "Now eat."
For a long time after dinner, Elliot and Olivia sat cuddled in the corner of the sofa, chatting about insignificant things; the weather, the police budget, the new guy in forensics, nothing of any consequence.
"What is it, hon?" Olivia said quietly when Elliot fell silent, her hand running along his arm.
"If…" he began slowly, unsure if he wanted to give voice to the thoughts gnawing at his soul. "If she's not mine… if Maureen is not my daughter, I have no idea what I'm going to do. It changes everything about my life … and I don't know how to reconcile that," he said, slowly and deliberately, trying to choose the right words.
"What does it change, El?" Olivia asked, her hand moving to rub his chest.
"Everything," he repeated. "My whole life."
"Tell me," she whispered, her eyes searching his.
"When I was in high school I wanted so much … thought I could do anything, be anything … and then Kathy got pregnant and it was never going to happen." He paused to get his thoughts in order. "God, I was so young and I was about to have a wife and kid … You know, one of the guys back then told me about Pete Raymond, and how he'd been hanging around her one weekend when I was out of town but she said nothing happened and I believed her," he explained. "But it could have been him, timeline fits."
"So far we've only spoken to Maureen about this, don't you think you should speak to Kathy too?" Olivia asked, holding his chin in her palm.
"You reckon she's gonna tell me the truth?" he asked. "She didn't tell me about Eli."
"True," she replied, kissing his cheek.
"Early on I resented Kathy so much, thought I was missing out on all the things my friends were doing… but then I got a bit older and wiser, thanks mainly to the marines, and realised I had a beautiful little girl and wife and I should have considered myself lucky," he said, leaning his head on hers.
"But…" she prompted when he sighed deeply.
He repositioned them on the sofa so Olivia was nestled tightly in his arms.
"If she's not mine … I would hate that, not just for losing Maureen but losing all the hopes and dreams I had all over again. And then there's the thing if she isn't mine and Kathy had told me that back then, then we wouldn't have had Kathleen and the twins and I can't imagine my life without them in it… and well, we know Eli wasn't mine but last week I had five kids, today I have four, it's possible I only have three and if that's the case they should never have been conceived in the first place…" Elliot tugged at Olivia's arm. "I love, loved, all five of them … I don't have much going for me and the kids are, were, my pride and joy. I was a husband, father and cop. I'm no longer a husband, I'm losing my kids left, right and centre and there's nothing left after that."
"You're still a cop," she said quietly.
"Nah, no more … can't do it, Liv," he whispered, tears filling his eyes.
"What?" she gasped, her palm cradling his face. "What do you mean?"
"Can't do it, Liv," he replied.
"Why not?" she asked, her bottom lip quivering as she tried to come to terms with his news.
"I'm supposed to be a detective," he explained in hushed tones, a finger tracing her lips to soothe her. "Couldn't work out the kid wasn't mine…"
"But…" she went to interrupt but he pressed his finger down.
"But nothing… I know all the arguments, Liv, so don't waste your breath," he sighed.
"El, please don't throw away your career right now … if you want to walk away from the job that's your decision, but please don't do it right now … give yourself some time to think things through," Olivia pleaded, moving from his lap to be kneeling in front of him.
"Don't think you get it," he said, dropping his head.
"Get what," she replied, pulling his face back up to meet hers.
"If the worse comes to the worse, I will have lost everything but you …" he began.
"And you'll still have your job if you want it…" she whispered.
"No, I don't want it … we both know we can't stay partners if we're together …" he replied.
"So one of us can transfer …there are a couple of vacancies near …" she interrupted.
"No," he said firmly. "I don't want to transfer."
"Then I will," Olivia volunteered.
"No," he repeated with greater frustration. "I don't want either of us to end up spending days and nights on some investigation and never seeing each other … I couldn't live like that…"
"I'd hate it too but we could manage," Olivia said, gripping onto his shirt.
"I don't want to manage ... I … oh fuck, Liv …" he trailed bursting into tears.
Quickly Olivia clambered back into his lap and held onto him and cried with him. It was clearly evident he was beyond frustrated and confused by the mess his life had become. Nothing was said for a while as they clung to each other in the darkness of the apartment.
"I. Love. You. Elliot," Olivia whispered kissing him between each word. "Whatever you want to do, I'll support you and be here for you, okay, baby?" He nodded and pulled her too him, mumbling something she couldn't quite catch. "What, baby?" she asked pulling back.
"Don't let me go, Livia," he pleaded. "I'm drowning … I'm drowning…" he muttered softly, pulling her back to him. Right now it all seemed too hard and too much so he was clinging to the only lifeline he had - Olivia.
Well prepared to spend the rest of her life on the sofa just holding him, Olivia wrapped herself around him and closed her eyes, listening to his breathing slow down and lose its ragged edge. When she knew he was listening, she reached up and kissed his cheek. "I'll never let you go," she whispered, before resting her head back in the crook of his neck.
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