Warnings: Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?


Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party

Part 4--

The Commander's voice reverberated through the dining hall, "Geigen Huber. Come. Sit. Drink."

"Your Majesty, Your Eminence, Your Excellencies, I didn't know you were here," Hube enters the room, makes a slight bow to the Maou and the Great Sage before proceeding to talk with his cousin.

"I just came to make my report."

"I don't want it."

"Are you sure you don't want to know status of the troops, the state of the wedding preparations and the current situations of Anissina's various experiments?"

"Is the castle still standing?"

"Well, yes."

"Sit. Drink."

"Yes, Lord Grisella, come join us. We're having a Bachelor's Party."

"Or a Party for Bachelors."

"Or are you afraid of what Nicola will say?"

"Is it true you wear the skirts in the family?"

"I hear she keeps you on a tight leash."

"You can always tell by the number of nappies the man changes."

"What?! Nicola and I share responsibilities, I'm not going to fall for..."

"Do you need a hug?"

"You need a drink. Here."

"I believe Nicola and Eru are playing with the princess and my son. I'm sure they can get along without you for a couple of hours."

Before anyone else can weigh in with their opinions on Hube's marriage and after Wolfram gets done giving him a hug, he sits down and takes the offered drink from Gwendal. With friends and family like us, he really doesn't have a choice.

"I probably shouldn't sit by you," he eyes Gwendal critically. "Here's to Lady Anissina and singlehood."

"I'll drink to her, though if it wasn't for Lord von Voltaire's meddling, we would be celebrating her union with me."

"Lord von Rochefort, you can dream as much as you want, but Anissina would have never married you!"

"Lord von Voltaire, she would have fallen in love with me if you hadn't stolen her two years ago."

"Lord von Rochefort, it's hardly stealing when she willingly left with me."

"Lord von Voltaire, I don't know what false words you said to her that made her take part in your wild scheme."

"Lord von Rochefort, don't make Anissina out to be some kind of innocent. She nearly killed one of Lord von Christ's retainer and destroyed the castle in order to avoid a date with you."

"Lord von Voltaire, if she had gotten to know me, as she would have if you had let the natural order of things occur, she would not have resorted to such desperate measures. She probably thought all men are like you."

"Lord von Rochefort, the world would be so lucky if all men are like me."

Scintillating as this conversation is (and productive in terms of casualties from Gwendal's ire), I almost applaud when we hear Lady Celi's high pitched voice ring throughout the dining hall. She sweeps into the room escorted by the elder Lord von Grantz, Adelbert's father, and followed by Lady von Rochefort.

"Ah, so this is where all the good men are congregated! How thoughtless of you not to invite us!"

"Good evening, Mother," her second son replies, "don't feel left out, this was an impromptu gathering. It's not like a party in outer space, we didn't plan-et." Good gods, how many of these Earth jokes does he have? Must drink to lessen pain!

"Besides, Mother," adds her youngest, "this party is for men only."

"More specifically, unwed men," her eldest finishes.

"But, my dearest, if this is where the eligible men are, it follows that I should be here."

"Mother! You can't. Yuuri says this is the last hurrah for Gwendal and we can only have unmarried men or it won't be a bachelor's party. So you and Lady von Rochefort can't be here. Not that I don't love your company, I do. But I don't think you want to be present when the stripper comes for Gwendal and Jean Luc. Of course, I don't know what a stripper is but I'm sure it's not meant for non-bachelors. Who knows what horrifying consequence would come about if you were here to witness it."

Feeling bad for being unwelcoming, Wolfram gives Lady von Rochefort a heartfelt hug. Then he gives Lord von Grantz one for good measure. At which point, Lady Celi grabs him and smothers him in her bosom.

"But my Wolfie is drunk! And you're so cute when you're intoxicated. You say the most nonsensical things and the last time this happened you had so many proposals. A few people almost died from all those duels to win your hand in marriage."

"Mhmph mmph mphm mm..."

"Enunciate, Wolfie dear, I can't understand you."

Wolfram takes a much needed breath as he is finally released from the Lady Celi's ample bosom.

"I said, Yuuri is lucky he only had to fight one duel to get me and one duel to keep me. Maybe, he needs to fight some more of them so he can truly appreciate me, his most precious treasure."

"No, Wolf, seriously, we don't need any more duels," the king protests.

"That's a bold move, Your Majesty," Lord von Grantz exclaims in a booming voice, "making duels to steal away your fiancé illegal."

"But understandable, and probably the best for Shin Makoku. We can't have the Maou's attention divided."

"... he-he-he... that's not exactly what I meant. Why don't they listen to me?" whines the king to the Captain.

"True, Lady von Rochefort," Lord von Grantz continued, "It did take Lord von Bielefeld almost two years to clear up the mess with all those suitors and propositions from the last time the young prince was besotted."

"I wish Jean Luc was as lucky, but he seems to be stuck in his infatuation with Lady von Karbelnikoff."

"Ah, unrequited love is painful. I should take him on my next trip to search for free love."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. I might have something else."

"Elder sister, are you scheming again?"

"Jean Luc, mind your manners. I would ask you not to get inebriated, but it looks like I'm too late. At least, try not to be a miserable drunk."

"Youngsters these days, they don't know what to do with themselves," remarks Lord von Grantz.

"So true. So far I only got one of them engaged. The older two seem to have their priorities mixed up."

"That's it, Mother. You are not allowed to be in here," Gwendal growls as he punches another unfortunate soldier.

"Gwendal, don't be such a spoil-sport. I don't see any reason why we can't all have fun together. And please, try not to injure all the men before the night is over."

"Mother, this is a Bachelor's Party! That means only unwed men should be here. The gentler sex shouldn't be exposed to the barbarism that we men would like to indulge in once in a while."

"The way you talk, it's no wonder Anissina does not put up with you."

"Lord von Voltaire, the evidence clearly shows your sordid interest in my woman."

"Lord von Roche—arrghh!! Little man, be quiet!!"

"Who made this rule anyway?!" continues the ex-Maou, "It's a silly rule. Besides Geigen Huber is here and so is Del Kiasun. And they're certainly not bachelors."

"Hmmm... that is true."

"Perhaps we should put it to a vote whether they're allowed to stay."

"You order me to sit here and drink, malign my masculinity and now you're voting to kick me out. Why does this not surprise me?"

"Shush, or I'll have Nicola come and shush you."

"I haven't been a bachelor for more than a century," interrupted Lord von Grantz, "and fun as this gathering is, I do need to find Lord von Christ so I shall leave you to your enjoyment. If you'll excuse me, Your Majesty."

"It's alright, Mr. von Grantz, I don't blame you, it does look like we're preparing for a circus instead of a wedding."

"But, Your Majesty, marriage is a circus," the Captain comments. "A three ring circus – an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering."

I swallow the rest of my drink and get another. I'm hoping that the alcohol will either make the Captain's jokes funny or, at least, dull my senses. It looks like I am not the only one as practically everyone in the room take a long pull on their own drinks.

I offer one to Conrart. "Here, Captain, this might make you funny."

Lord von Grantz finishes giving Conrart a quizzical look and turns around to leave, but is stopped by Lady Celi's hand on his arm.

"Well, perhaps, I will join you after all. My three sons seem to prefer being boors tonight. I wonder if that's why I can't get them married off. You seem to be having better luck than I."

"Well, we'll see about that, Lady Celi. By the by, has anyone seen Lord von Christ?"

"Last time I saw him, Your Excellency, he was being dragged by Anissina to do one last checkup on some equipment."

"Thank you, Lord Grisella. Now all we need to do is find Anissina. Has anyone seen Lady von Karbelnikoff?"

A loud explosion reverberates throughout the castle.

"I guess we have our answer."

"I suppose I shall go with you, I think your discussion with Lord von Christ will prove to be much more interesting than this crowd's shenanigans. Pardon me, Your Majesty, Your Eminence."

"Don't worry about us, Lady von Rochefort, and we'll take care of your younger brother and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."

"Thank you, Your Eminence. I would stay but I must think of my lands and my people first."

Lord von Rochefort gasps, "Elder Sister, you're not going to try to arrange another marriage for me, are you?"

"I can't see why I shouldn't. Lady von Karbelnikoff is no longer available..."

"Why don't you just marry Densham then?"

"You know that's impossible. Besides, I'm allergic to chickens."

"Mother, I trust you have no designs to marry any one of us off."

"Conrart, you are a perfect man and any woman would be happy to have you. But you boys seem to have problems getting hitched. At least, Wolfram has made some progress. Gwendal, on the other hand..."

"Mother! I order you not to delve into my private affairs," yelled the Commander angrily. This, of course, is followed by another crash and another black eye.

"Gwendal, I would leave you to your private affairs if you weren't so hopeless. You would think after a century of wooing the same woman, you'd have something to show for..."

"I knew it. Lord von Voltaire, you have been trying to seduce my Anissina into your evil, wicked, dirty, tawdry, unholy..."

"Jean Luc, SHUT UP!!" Gwendal looks around and points to several soldiers, "You! You! and You! Front and center!"

"Awww... he is so cute when he's all cranky like that. Shall we, Lord von Grantz, Lady von Rochefort?"

Lady Celi loops her arms through Lord von Grantz's and Lady von Rochefort's and they exit stage left while Gwendal's first victim, Wolfram's corporal, enters stage right. Frankly, I don't know what exit the three use and I don't know when the guard returns because I'm more than half drunk.