Making A Home
Trouble in Paradise
By Ranma15177
I'm so sick I'd like to DIE! Everything hurts. I'm feeling Edward's pain. Influenza has me in its awful grip. I'm going to burry myself in eight blankets and hope I live through the day.
Twilight isn't mine, but I could use the skills of their resident doctor at the moment.
-------------------------
CPOV
Within the course of two weeks we had been on the road to our next destination. Our things had been quickly packed and shipped to a dock on Lake Michigan where it awaited us. I had taken my leave of the hospital, and unfortunately attended the funeral of Milly. She had held on for four days past what I had expected, but the end had been the same. Parents should never have to outlive their children…Milly's were devastated. I could only imagine the horrible pain I would experience if I were to lose Edward, and now Esme. Although, to be honest I was beginning to wonder if my attachment to her was not trying to reassert itself as attraction and I fought against my interest daily.
I was not at all surprised when Edward and Esme became fast friends…or maybe it was more than that. She doted on him, and it made me happy to an extent that they had so much in common. Edward picked a location quickly and with Esme's current situation in mind. We were in Paradise, Michigan before anyone could hardly believe it. The town was smaller than anywhere we'd been yet. I thought that my son was being overly protective, but at the same time I understood how he felt. As soon as the location was established I had called ahead to procure work as a secondary physician and because the area was so incredibly isolated it seemed that it would give way to lots of use of Edward's motorcar. I quickly established as we drove through the endless forests that I would need to get one of my own, because the Bugatti was far too flashy for my tastes.
I was happy to hear that Edward insisted that his reasoning for being here was the remote location and the extensive yachting season, which he intended to take up in the overcast days. I was overjoyed though when Esme asked to help decide upon the house saying that she'd always loved taking care of her home and how it had been in a very questionable state when she'd moved in. She said that she had a clear memory of painting her little cottage in Ashland, and that the memory was a very happy one. Who was I to question something when Esme seemed to go out of her way to ask so very little from both of us? She hadn't said anything direct about the horrors of her new lifestyle since the first day, but I had caught sight of her tearlessly crying more than once. She would instantly settle herself and pretend as if it had never happened. I knew the truth though and it hurt me deeply to see her in pain; I reminded myself that the transition was a slow scary one, and that rational gave me little comfort.
When we arrived in Paradise we had yet to actually settle upon a home and although we visited many none of them seemed to be "right" according to Esme. It was the early part of the evening three days after we'd arrived that we walked onto the Reed Estate. She looked at me with excitement and said that this was the one. The state of the house was…well…ghastly. The roof was practically ready to fall in; the entire place was in a state of chaos. Frankly I had never tried to move into such a medieval wreck since…well, living in the woods almost had more prestige. Edward and I looked at the building with matching expressions of trepidation. Esme was endlessly pleased. I decided that the smile on her face was well worth its weight in gold and Edward mumbled something about living in his car.
Esme had all but danced toward the house and placed a hand delicately on the wooden banister leading its way toward the wrap around porch that was missing endless spindles. She had recently been trying with great effort to curb her newborn strength against accidents that ended in collateral damage. It was a work in progress. "Oh, the both of you need to cheer up. Just because we have the means for something more expensive and move in ready doesn't mean that we should use it. This is much better! All it needs is a little spit and polish!" The moment she stopped speaking the screen door fell off its hinge and onto the porch. "That's going to need fixing…"
I immediately burst out laughing and Edward wasn't far behind. "Esme, if it makes you happy it's yours. Edward will secure the paperwork here and I'll be at the broker. If you would like to start your work, by all means begin." I walked toward the car and looked over my shoulder. "Edward, if you and Esme would like to go out and hunt together, I can attend to myself later." We always left together to feed. Mostly it was because Esme could still accidentally come upon someone and lose control. Due to her newborn strength one of us may not be enough to fight her back. I was confident however that the Reed Estate was well far enough away that we were safe from such a confrontation.
"I'll wait until you return. I want to get started as soon as possible…as long as I can find the proper tools, maybe in the shed?" Esme spoke with excitement. I watched as she bolted toward the small building that must have actually been the shed because I immediately heard the sound of rustling wood and metal.
I couldn't help the ridiculous grin that took over my features as I listened to her making lists of things she would need, the tools that she already seemed to have. I was hesitant to leave her side because I worried that she would overtax her needs in her excitement. Edward intruded on my thoughts and gave answer to them, "I'll take care of her. Don't worry. If I can tell she's getting too hungry I'll make her go."
"Thank you Edward, I worry. I'll see you both later." I spoke as I turned toward the car and just as I reached it I heard Esme drop what had to have been a hammer and run out of the shed.
"Carlisle, wait!" I thought perhaps that she would have already garnered a list of equipment. Esme was seemingly a very thorough person though and I was surprised that she would have come up with an inventory so quickly. She took me completely by surprise when she all but crashed into me and then enveloped me in a very close hug. "I understand your hesitation. Thank you…this means more than I can possibly say." Her words were very quietly whispered even though we both knew Edward could hear anything she might say in her head. They were words that she had meant for me, and I was momentarily struck motionless. It was over all too quickly, but I had not been shown affection on such a level in a long time, so any kind of physical appreciation was startling. Esme backed away quickly but kept her eyes trained on me as she headed back toward the shed only losing my eyes when she walked around the corner and inside.
I got into the car in a daze and heard Edward laugh as I slowly started the vehicle. Women were much different than men in the way they showed appreciation. I would have to get used to that so as not to project anything onto her enthusiasm. However, as I drove along the road I found myself thinking about how nice it had been to hold her, and having a moment to think on it, I had noticed that I felt less anxious lately. Even in the middle of one of our forced moves, even with a new vampire in the house (which had been wholly difficult with Edward), even when I was terminating my tenure at the hospital, there was very little in the way of frustration. I had always felt dissatisfaction when I was forced to move from a location that I was comfortable in…but despite enjoying my time in Ashland, I found myself looking forward to living in Paradise. Maybe it was the name?
-------------------------------
Hours later I found myself back on the drive that lead to the new house. The broker had been likewise astonished by my choice but I assured him that my wife's design skills and her brother's carpentry were up to the challenge. The duplicity felt strangely comfortable. We had not discussed what relation we would have to each other, but these had been the affiliations that had popped on impulse into my head. I was hopeful that it wouldn't cause upset, mostly due to my presumptuousness. I would no doubt make Esme uncomfortable with such assumptions on her person as she was a widow. Who knew if she was ready to even pretend such a thing on the outside? However, it was imperative that she spend the first year away from the human population anyway. Fortunately I could easily say that she was simply infirm and most people wouldn't pry.
Infirmity…the thought had just occurred to me that Edward was extremely close in age to Esme chronologically speaking. They had many similar interests, and she did seem to enjoy his presence. It had not initially dawned on me that Esme might be a good match for Edward, but as he had recently pointed out to me, she was a lovely woman. If my son could even make such an observation it spoke volumes about her character. If he were perhaps falling in love with her I would bow out gracefully. I didn't wish to cause Edward any undue harm, as I had already hurt him simply by making him what he was.
When I pulled the car up to the house I noticed right away that Esme had indeed put the screen door back on. Neither of them was visible from the road but I heard music and laughter from inside and I quickly went to join my family. What a strange, yet wonderful concept that was! I had thought that I wouldn't mind companionship, I was certain that my life was so much fuller now that I was sharing it with others. A true family, sharing in each other's hopes, dreams, and goals. Not like the covens I had met in Europe that used their families as hunting parties and were completely divided in every other way. Adding Esme was surely going to be even more uplifting, especially if she could reach Edward. Why did the idea of her connecting so deeply with my son leave me to feel so empty? A ridiculous notion! I would be happy no matter what happened, and I would continue to say that until I believed it.
The house that had been questionable and frankly spooky when we'd arrived now looked inviting with the candles burning against the natural blown glass. Shadows danced in the glow twisting the light and darkness around its imperfections. It had probably been a grand old thing at one time, and I was confident in Esme's ability to help it back to its former glory. I had seen the home she'd lived in, in Ashland, and I thought it was very much like the girl that I had known. Charming and well cared for…loved from the inside out. Either way, Paradise was turning out to be an excellent choice. Esme was right all along…the house only needed someone living in it to stop its decay. It wasn't hopeless and derelict at all.
I opened the old door and as I walked through the entry the music became even louder and I saw Edward teaching Esme to dance. The two of them would break into comfortable laughter as Edward led her through the complicated movements. She was so beautiful spinning out and back into Edward's waiting arms. I felt it again, the strange sadness that accompanied their closeness. I was pleased for the first time that Edward's gift did not include the relation of feelings as well as thoughts as I watched. I kept my mind as guarded as possible, and he seemed oblivious in light of his activities. The recording came to an end and the two of them seemed to hear my presence with the music silenced because they both turned to me at the same time and they actually burst into even more laughter as if they were embarrassed about being caught.
I realized then, watching them laugh so unrestrained, that even had I entertained feelings for the woman in front of me, I had been alone for far too long to make such a luminous creature happy. Esme was a bright light even with the horrible ordeal of the last weeks still fresh in her mind. Even as a vampire she was incandescent, unfortunately I was much too far from her shining dancing glow to be able to receive her warmth. I could watch it shiver and move endlessly from outside my window, but the light was not meant for me, and it hurt. Edward deserved something better than my intellect, something more complete and, dare I imagine it physical, than a father's love. I would stand by and watch every agonizing second without protest. "I've returned." I said quietly.
"Now," Edward stepped lightly to my side and clapped me on the shoulder as he chuckled distractedly. "This man is an absolute master of the waltz. I've always wished I could have half of his natural charm and grace. A lady of your refined tastes shouldn't be left with second best, I suggest a new partner. I'll get the music going…and please Carlisle, nothing fancy. She's still learning." The last was said as a comic whisper that Esme immediately laughed prettily at.
I had never felt so much like an intruder in a personal moment. The unfamiliar ache in my centuries non-existent heart causing my usually calm exterior to crumble slightly. Straight away I began to make my excuses so I could martial myself alone. "Really, I should be working on case files. There are a few things that still need to be sorted from Ashland…and I would hate to let them down." Edward instantly gave me an extremely annoyed look.
"Carlisle. You literally have FOREVER to do the paperwork." Edward rolled his eyes.
"Unfortunately the rest of the world isn't so lucky Edward and there were a few long term cases that I was on that need to be properly settled." I answered his eye rolling with stern indifference. Esme had stopped laughing and was watching us like a spectator at a clay field tennis volley.
"Five minutes away from the paperwork isn't going to end the world as we know it. There was hardly a grain of sand that shivered when I died, so trust me…no one will notice if the case file on Mr. Aberdeen's long term gout go missing." The argument was getting more heated and I wasn't exactly sure why I was being so decidedly contrary. My emotions seemed to be propelling me forward into dangerous territory.
"I simply haven't the time." I argued in a monotone.
"Make it." Edward almost threatened.
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, and I had never wished so hard in my life that I could gather up my words and make them go away. "Unlike you Edward I have my responsibilities! Esme's constant need for supervision has taken up the time that I would have rationally used for extracurricular activities. The search for our home has taken up the rest. Life is full of iniquity that I've never had occasion for. If you have extra time on your hands you may use it at your leisure." What had I done?
"Damn you! Damn you and your responsibilities!" Edward shouted back into my face. It didn't take a mind reader to know what was in his thoughts. The pain, the anger, the rage, they were written across his face like signposts. I had never said anything so hurtful to him. It was my fault that he had not died with his parents…my fault that he was not able to be constantly in the company of others due to his bloodthirsty nature. I was the reason he could only ever be able to dally in diversions instead of having a wife and children and a real life. How dare I say something so horrible, so intentionally painful? The old hand blown glass in the door literally shattered with the force of its slamming and I heard a horrible heart wrenching roar and a terrible crack that could have only been Edward's fist destroying a tree.
Esme shook like a leaf in the wind. My frustration with myself was boiling over so quickly that I too felt like destroying something. The bud vase covered in years of dust from a small neglected table was against the opposite wall so fast that a human would never have seen me throw it. Esme shrieked and stared at the broken pieces. I had obviously frightened her, first with my awful childish attitude and then with my destruction of the vase. It had been actually quite pretty, small, and delicate. Now it was nothing more than a pile of shattered crystal.
I had to find Edward immediately. Who knew what my awfulness just then would lead to, but I had also frightened Esme, and I absolutely couldn't let her run off. It was far too dangerous.
Esme was on her knees next to the broken shards and moving to pick them up when I realized that I would have to deal with Esme first due to the risk everyone would face at losing her. She spoke with shaky words that reminded me how awful I'd been acting "I…I didn't mean to be such a burden. I was trying so hard to be quiet and proper. Charles was always saying that I talked too much…that I should learn my place. I'm no good at it. You've seen how…pushy…I can be. Making you look through all of those houses when you had work to do? That's the awful kind of person that I am…I'm so sorry Dr. Cullen." I heard the hitch in her voice as I walked ever closer but my heart lurched when she returned to my formal moniker. I would need to be gentle. I was the one at fault now…why was she taking this on herself? I was clearly the one in the wrong.
"Esme, I…" My hand had gone out toward her shoulder and she screamed and hid her face from me as if she expected me to hit her. I was horrified that I could scare her so completely. So this is what she truly thought of me? I had made her a monster, destroyed her chance at solitude, and now she believed me capable of physically abusing her? What kind of coward had I portrayed myself as? How could I ever look her in the eye again? How had I ever even considered that she could find love in her heart for one such as I? A selfish creature playing God at my whim! I had never felt so much a monster since the day I had realized what I had become. In my fear, my desolation, my confusion, and my horror…I ran. In my fogged brain I only just made out the fear filled whimpers from Esme as I streaked into the darkness.
