Disclaimer: I do not own the Dragon Age series or any of the characters. I just love them. ^.^
**There will be spoilers for Dragon Age: Inquisition**
Title: Stay
Summary: Months after he disappeared, her heart is still broken. So determined and so distracted with trying to find Solas, Inquisitor Lavellan is blind to all else. But, when the commander of her army decides to finally reveal his feelings, will she finally be able to accept Solas' absence?
Author's Note: Alrighty! So I know that the last chapter seemed awkward and kind of sudden. I suppose that was what I was going for. For Cullen, the feelings have been building up a long time and with everything slowing down, in a way, possibilities seem a bit more possible. :D
At the wall, the Inquisitor was just looking to be relieved of some memories and thoughts on Solas. Since his departure, she has been plagued by thoughts of him—relentlessly plagued. So, just some relief. Onto Cullen. It isn't that she just suddenly doesn't care about Solas anymore. But, he left so suddenly that there are so many ideas and thoughts flying through her head. She basically sees it as a betrayal. And, Cullen is stepping up and basically proving just how much he cares for her by just being available and honest and loyal.
Since he is and always will be there for her, she wants to be all in for him. I hope that makes sense and stuff. :/
Chapter 4 – Perspective
"And then what happened?"
Tanwen shot Dorian Pavus, her mage companion, a scolding glance. "Nothing," she assured. She rolled her eyes and sighed, exhausted, confused. "I would appreciate it if this didn't get around, Dorian. Cullen would appreciate it. I'm just…I just need some advice, I suppose."
It had been a day since they had returned. Cullen had picked up his duties again, as if he had never left, and she…well, she had been swamped as soon as she had stepped back onto the premises of Skyhold, but her mind had always been elsewhere. She had finally gotten the chance to step away and seek some friendly advice.
Dorian had responded like an excited child, but she wouldn't have preferred anyone else. She didn't know if anyone else would understand. Hell, she hadn't been completely sure he would. But, the reality of that last night in the Arbor Wilds forced her to seek out a friend to confide in. She could have stayed with Cullen in those ruins without a second thought. It was only when they had returned that the doubts began to plague her.
"I thought that I could just forget about Solas. I thought it would be easy with what he's done," she explained. She shook her head, guilt rising in her. "I thought that I could replace him with Cullen."
She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder, but refused to look up. She felt horrible saying that, but she wondered if it was true. After all, she had told Cullen that she would give him all of her, undivided. He deserved that. So, the reemergence of Solas in her thoughts made her uneasy.
"You don't get to forget so easily," Dorian purred. "In fact, you never will."
The Inquisitor furrowed her brow. "Do you have to say it like that?"
"Unfortunately, I do. It's the only way. Besides, if you wanted to hear just comforting words, you would have gone to Cassandra."
She shook her head. "I suppose."
"Listen," Dorian said, grabbing up her hands and warming them between his, "everyone says that you'll get over it and forget it with time. That's not true. You will never be able to forget, Tanwen, and you don't want to. It is going to be confusing for a while. You are going to feel awful and hurt, but eventually it will subside. Eventually things will clear."
"It isn't fair," she responded. "I don't care if I have to live with it, but it isn't fair for Cullen. He doesn't deserve to be lied to…to-to not be really, truly…" She trailed off, her thoughts somewhere else.
And, silence invaded for a moment.
It was a chance for Dorian to study her, while she was preoccupied. "Do you really believe that you simply tried to replace Solas with Cullen—that you were or are using Cullen to help you fill a void?"
Her eyes darted to him. "What other explanation could there be, Dorian? That last night was, well, it was unexpected, but good, I think. But all of a sudden there's Solas."
"Let me pose this to you, Inquisitor: take Solas out of all of this. I know it is hard, but let's pretend that he isn't involved. What is Cullen to you? Who is he to you?"
"What do you mean? He's…" she shrugged, "he's the commander of our forces."
She saw the expression on Dorian's face change. It was difficult to completely remove Solas. He always had a presence in her mind, whether she was aware of it or not. She had been so distracted with trying to locate him the past few months that she had never stepped back and asked herself how she felt about him now. It scared her to think of what the answer might be. And, with Cullen in the mix now, it was even more difficult to identify what she was feeling and for whom.
"Ok, ok," she said, "I know you didn't mean it like that." She sighed. "Cullen. Who and what is Cullen? Cullen…to me Cullen is…" She trailed off again. She stared off, really considering this. It wasn't easy to come up with an answer, but as she thought on it, a smile came to her lips. Her cheeks grew rosy.
"I knew it!" Dorian exclaimed after a minute, startling Tanwen.
She stared at him, wide-eyed. "What? You knew what?"
"You don't need to verbally confirm it. Your reaction is answer enough."
"My reaction? Dorian, what-"
"You care much more deeply for our commander than perhaps you realize. You are so concerned about lying to him and hurting him. Hell, you may even be worried that what you are doing is actually a betrayal to Solas. But, he gave up any loyalty from you when he left, Tanwen. You just need to be confident in your feelings. You aren't going to disappoint Cullen. Your feelings are true. Trust me."
"How can you know so clearly when I am so confused about my own feelings?"
"Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to shine a light on the situation," Dorian explained quietly.
The Inquisitor sighed, soaking everything in as silence invaded once again. Then, she smiled. It was small, delicate, but there was warmth behind it.
"So, what should I do now?" she asked.
"I don't think I need to tell you," Dorian said. "I think you already know."
"Is it too soon, though? Is all of this too fast? I know that Cullen's been sure for a while, but I'm just recognizing my feelings. What if I'm not ready?"
"Cullen is a good man. It's obvious that he really cares about you."
"Obvious? D-Do other people know?" She was a little alarmed, since she had thought that it had all been a secret.
"Maybe not everyone," Dorian answered with a smirk, "but some, yes. He's been patient so far. He isn't going to mess this up. He will be considerate and understanding of you. I think he will be just what you need at a time like this."
Tanwen stood, preparing to go. "I should have enlisted you as an advisor, Dorian. You're wiser than any of us have given you credit for."
"Beauty and brains," he drawled. "I suppose some people can have it all."
