Moulin Boosh!

Summery- Mighty Boosh X Moulin Rouge. Howard Moon, a penniless jazz musician and writer unwittenly falls in love with Vince Noir, the star courtesan from the Moulin Rouge and finds himself fighting of Vince affections with Dixon Bainbridge, the Duke.

Disclaimer- Mighty Boosh belongs to Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt. Moulin Rouge belongs to Baz Lurman.

Author's notes- Wrote in script format, to make it more annoying. Inspiration came to me when I imagined Vince and Howard singing the elephant love melody to each other lol. I hope this isn't too much like the script now lol.

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Chapter Four: Inside the Elephant.

Backstage, Vince was getting ready to meet the Duke. Mrs Gideon is helping him on with his next outfit.

Gideon: That Duke Bainbridge has really taken the bait, Vince. With a patron like him, you could be the next David Bowie.

Vince: Do you really think I could be like the great David?

Gideon: Why not? You've got the talent, haven't you?

Vince: I'm gonna be a great actor or rock and roll star, then I'm gonna fly away from here.

Fossil rushes in, worried.

Fossil: Vincey, everything alright?

Vince: Yeah, course Bobby.

Fossil: That's good then. That Duke really attached to you like stink on poop while dancing.

Vince: How do I look?

He was wearing another corset, only it was black with sequins. He was also wearing black silk boxers and a see-though black robe. His raven hair was straightened and his face was covered in black and red make up.

Vince: Smouldering enough?

Fossil: Oh, my little goth fairy. How could he possibly resist?

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Inside the elephant, Howard was looking out though the front, while his friends are waiting in the garden below. Vince walks in and coughs, surprising the writer from his thoughts.

Vince: Great place for a poetry reading, hey?

He motioned around his red room where a grand sized bed was by one wall, covered in black and red materials. A few wardrobes were scattered around the room, all looked like they were full to the brim. A vainity table witha huge mirror was near the front, covered with make up and jewellery.

Howard is shocked at the sight in front of him, taking in Vince's pale, lean frame. His blue eyes sparkled with mischief and passion.

Vince: Is this poetic enough now?

Howard: Yes.

Vince goes over to a table with food and champagne on it. and picks up the bottle.

Vince: Want something to eat or drink first?

Howard: Not really, I just wanna get it over with.

Vince puts the bottle backed annoyed. He then walks over to the bed and lays on it seductively.

Vince: Well, why don't you come over here and we'll get it over and done with.

Howard: I would rather do it standing.

Vince couldn't hide his shock and surprise, and goes to get up.

Howard: You don't have to stand, it's quite long and I want you to be comfortable. It's quite modern what I do and I hope you'll enjoy it.

Vince, confused, just sits on the bed watching.

Vince: I'm sure I will.

Howard: The...skies are filled...with bluebirds...

Vince didn't know what to make of it, so just moans erotically anyway. It makes Howard more nervous.

Howard: I think...

Vince just grows annoyed and stands up to go to Howard.

Vince: You alright?

Howard: It takes awhile for inspiration to come, you know...

He looks down, and Vince misunderstands. He grins at Howard, then grabs his crotch, making the writer gasp.

Vince: Does that inspire you enough?

He then throws Howard on the bed.

Vince: Let's make love.

Howard: Make love?

Vince: Yeah you know, doing it, getting it on.

Vince climbs on top of Howard, starting to take off his clothes. Howard's friends, who climbed up the back of the elephant, were hanging Naboo down to spy. Vince was growling and had undone Howard's pants.

Vince: Big boy! Give me the poetry now!

Howard throws the smaller man off him and stands up.

Howard: It's a little bit funny...

Vince (confused): What?

Howard: This feeling inside, I'm not one of those people who can easily hide. Is this what you want?

Vince tries to figure it out, finally thinking he's got it.

Vince: Oh, poetry. Yes, these naughty words are what I want.

He starts rolling around on his bed, moaning again.

Howard: I don't have a lot of money, but if I did, I'd buy a huge house where we'd both live.

Vince was still moaning and rolled off the bed and rolled up in a fur blanket on the floor.

Howard: If I were a sculptor, or a man who makes potions at a traveling show, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do.

Vince was moaning even louder, making Howard give him a funny look, then looked out the window.

Howard (singing): "My gift is my song and this one' for you"

Vince stopped what he was doing and looked up at Howard, who smiled at him.

Howard: "And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It may be quite simple, but now that it's done, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, That I put down in words, How wonderful life is, now you're in the world"

Howard walked towards the very front of the elephant and motioned Vince to join him, who did.

Howard: "Sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss, well some of these verses, well, they, they got me quite cross. But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song, it's for people like you that keep it turned on. So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do, you see I've forgotten if they're green or if they're blue"

He takes Vince's hand, who looks uncertian.

Howard: "Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen"

Howard and Vince leap out of the elephant on a beam of starlight, into the sky and then onto a rooftop.

Howard: "And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It may be quite simple, but now that it's done..."

Silver rain falls down upon them, so Howard gets out a umbrella and dances across the sky and leaps up onto the Eiffel Tower, tossing the umbrella to one side. He and Vince dance towards each other, meeting in the middle of the sky.

Howard: "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world".

Howard picks Vince up in his arms and spins him round. The red room of the elephant came back into view, as Howard holds Vince.

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Vince: I can't beileve it. I'm now in love with a young, talanted Duke.

Howard: I'm not a Duke.

Vince dosen't pay attention as he leans in for a kiss.

Howard: I'm a writer...

Vince stops and pulls back.

Vince: (shocked): A writer? No!

Howard notises Naboo hanging from the front.

Howard: Naboo?

Vince: Hang on, are you one of Naboo's Bohemian friends?

Howard: Sort of yeah.

Vince (angry): Oh no, I'm gonna kill him. Fossil's gonna kill me.

He goes over to the bedroom door, Howard follows.

Vince: What about Bainbridge?

He opens the door to reveal Fossil talking to the Duke. He quickly shuts the door again.

Vince: He's coming. Quick out the back.

Vince tries to hide Howard, but the door opened, so he had to hide the writer behind him.

Fossil: Hey Vincey, you ready?

Vince: Yes, I was just waiting for you.

Fossil: Great, Bainbridge. This is Vince Noir, our best star.

The Duke bends over to kiss Vince's hand. Howard luckily scurried over to the food trolley and hid behind it.

Fossil: I'll leave you two long eared, fluffy things alone.

He leaves, leaving the three behind.

Bainbridge: A kiss on the hand might be quite continatal.

Vince: But fashion is a boy's best friend.

Bainbridge: Of sourse, after tonight you must be in need of some refreshments.

He goes to the trolley to get the champange, but Vince stops him before he sees Howard.

Vince: Wait! Isn't the view nice?

Bainbridge: Whatever. I just want some champange, please.

Vince: Wait, It's a little bit funny..

Bainbridge: What is?

Howard pokes his head over the trolley to see what's going on.

Vince: This...

Howard (whispering): Feeling...

Vince: Feeling...

Howard: Inside...

Vince: Inside...

Vince: I'm not one of those who can easily...

Howard: Hide.

Vince: Hide.

Howard accidently knocks something over, making the Duke turn around. Vince throws himself at Bainbridge's feet to distract him.

Vince: Look, I don't have much money, Fossil takes it. But if I did, I'd buy a huge house for us to live in.

Vince looks over to Howard and motions him to go thourgh the door and escape while the Duke was busy.

Vince: "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world"

Vince sings softy and slowly while moving up to face the Duke's own face. When he'd finished, Bainbridge had stars in his eyes.

Bainbridge: That was brilliant, sir.

Vince: It's from 'Spectacular, Spectacular'. I now know the meaning to those words.

Bainbridge: And what's that?

Howard makes it to the door and opens it, only to find the Hitcher standing outside. He quickly shuts the door and looks over to Vince. Vince distracts the Duke more by lying on his bed.

Vince: Don't toy with me, Bainbridge. You know the effect you have on me.

Bainbridge smiles smugly, Vince pulls him on top of him and motions to Howard to go over to the front of the elephant.

Vince: Let's make love, you know you want to.

Bainbridge: Make love?

Vince: I knew you felt that way, Duke.

Howard stops and looks.

Vince (whispering): Get out or he'll kill you!

Howard gives him a pleading look.

Vince: Yes Bainbridge, you're right. We should wait until the opening night.

Howard smiles and goes behind a curtain.

Bainbridge: Why wait?

Vince: You know, to make it more special. Don't worry, we will meet again.

He pushes the Duke thourgh the door and shuts it quickly. Howard comes out, and Vince turns to him, angry.

Vince: Do you have any idea what would happen if he caught you? You'd be dead and I'd...

His breath is caught short again and he faints. Howard catches him in his arms.

Howard: Oh my God, Vince?

He shakes Vince to try and wake him. over the other side of the garden, Fossil looks through a telescope. He sees a man in a tuxedo thrusting into Vince.

Fossil: Right on target, Bainbridge.

Howard is trying to think of what to do and puts Vince on the bed, leaning over him. Then the door opens and Bainbridge walks back in.

Bainbridge: I forgot my hat...Foul play I see?

Vince soons wakes up.

Vince: Oh, Bainbridge...

Bainbridge: It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...

Vince: Well spoken. This is the writer of that speech.

Bainbridge: The writier?

Vince: Yeah, we're rehearsing.

Bainbridge: You expect me to believe that you two are rehearsing a play, here at night, in the elephant?

As Vince and Howard stand up, Howard's mates walk in after hearing everything and make their way around the room.

Naboo: Ok, let's take it from the top everybody.

Rudi: I hope your piano is in tune.

Spider: Can I offer you a drink?

Joey: We got held up, sorry.

Fossil looks through his telescope again and sees the room is packed with people. He rushes out of his room to investigate.

Vince: When you said those words to me, I just wanted to get rehearsals done. We just have so much work to do.

Bainbridge: If you're rehearsing, where's that idiot Fossil?

Vince: We desided to leave Bobby out of this.

Fossil rushes through the door.

Fossil: Bainbridge, I'm so sorry.

Vince: Bobby, you made it. It's alright, the Duke now knows about our rehearsal.

Fossil: Rehearsal?

Vince: Yeah, to work on the Duke's artisic idea.

Fossil: I'm Saboo will be happy then...

Naboo: That ballbag's gone.

Vince: Oh, the surprise has gone now. You see, Bainbridge likes the new writer's idea. He's so keen to invest now.

Fossil: Invest? Invest, of course. But who is the new writer?

Vince/Naboo: Howard.

Howard looks happy.

Fossil: Shall we talk about it in my office, Bainbridge?

Bainbridge: What's it about first? I'm not invest until I know it.

Fossil: Right... Er, Naboo tell us what it's about.

All look at Naboo.

Naboo: Well, it's about...about...

Howard: It's about love.

Bainbridge(sneering): Love?

Howard: Love overcoming all obstacles.

He looks meaningful at Vince while saying this.

Naboo: And it's set in Switzerland.

Bainbridge(alarmed): Switzerland?

Howard looks over to a statue of Ganesh in the room, and has an idea.

Howard: It's set in India, and there's a courtesan, the most sexiest courtesan in the whole world.

He walks over to Vince, then turns to the others.

Howard: But his kingdom is taken over by an evil king. Now to save his kingdom, he needs to seduces the king, but on that night, he mistakes a penniless wr...

He stops himself from giving to much away, and his eyes fall on a sewing machine in the room.

Howard: Penniless fashion designer for the evil king.

Howard (to Vince): He wasn't trying to trick the courtesan, but he was dressed like the king because, he was appearing in a play.

Joey walks over to Howard.

Joey: And I will play the fashion designer.

Bainbridge: Then what happens?

Howard: Well, the courtasen and the fashion designer must hide their love to one another.

Rudi: And he also carries around a magical needle. Not only does it create perfect clothes everytime, it speaks the truth.

Naboo: And I play the magical needle.

He turns to Vince.

Naboo: You are beautiful.

He turns to Fossil.

Naboo: You are dumb.

He turns to Bainbridge.

Naboo: And you are a ba-

Everyone puts their hands over his mouth.

Bainbridge: He gives away the game does he?

Everyone agrees.

Fossil: You see Bainbridge, this show is gonna be...

Fossil (singing): "Spectacular, Spectacular. No words in the vernacular, can describe this great event.You'll be dumb with wonderment. Returns are fixed at ten percent— you must agree, that's excellent. On top of your fee-"

Everyone except Duke: "...You'll be involved artistically".

They all advance on Bainbridge.

Everyone: "So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for fifty years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!"

Naboo makes an elephant trunk with his arm.

Naboo: "Elephants!"

Spider makes a peace sign.

Spider: "Bohemians!"

Fossil does an Indian dance.

Fossil: "Indians!"

Vince strikes a pose.

Vince: "And courtesans".

Rudi swinging from the lights.

Rudi: "Acrobats!"

Howard points to Joey, whos wearing the fur blanket and juggling.

Howard: "Juggling bears!"

Naboo has a curtain draped around him.

Naboo: "Exotic girls!"

Rudi breathes out fire.

Everyone: "Fire eaters! Muscle-men, contortionists! Intrigue, danger..."

Naboo: "And romance".

Everyone: "Electirc lights, machinery. All run with electricity!"

They all dance around the Duke.

Everyone: "So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for fifty years!"

Duke: Yes, but what happens at the end?

They all look at each other, then jump up and run round grabbing props, before disappearing behind a curtain. Naboo sets a lamp in front of the curtain, and then Howard appears in front of the curtain and clears his throat. Rudi turns the lights out, except for the lamps that light the stage. Howard then steps to one side as the curtain opens to reveal Joey, in a makeshift crown, and Vince, with fans in his hair and a jewelled headband, in an embrace.

Howard: "The courtesan and fashion man, were pulled apart by an evil plan"

Vince: "But in the end he hears his song"

Howard "And their love is just too strong".

Vince turns to look at Howard.

Duke: "It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside"

Everyone: "So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run fr fifty years!"

Howard: "Fashion maker's secret song, helps them flee the evil one. Though the tyrant rants and rails, it is all to no avail".

Fossil comes out dressed in a makeshift crown and a blanket around him

Fossil: I am the evil king. All bow before me!

Everyone bows.

Vince: no-one could play the king more then you, Bobby.

Fossil: They can try.

Everyone: "So exciting, we'll make them laugh, we'll make them cry. So delighting.."

Bainbridge: And in the end does someone die?

All look at each other.

Everyone: "So delighting it will run for fifty years"

The song ends, the Duke looks amused. Naboo somehow is on the Hitcher's shoulders after accidently letting him in and everyone strikes poses.

Bainbridge: I quite like it.

Everyone cheers and hugs or shakes hands with him.

Narrator: So Fossil had an investor and the bohemians had a show.