Hey guys! Sorry I've been a bit MIA. If you've checked out my latest SU one shot you'll understand why, but suffice it to say that things are a little rough right now. It's been easier to work on shorter stories like this or else just one shots in general, but I'm sorry for the delay in this story and any of my other stories.

Anyway, to the fic! Thank you so much for all your reviews and favorites and follows. It really means a lot to see you enjoying, especially since I've never written for Steven Universe before. I think I might post one more follow up/epilogue type chapter, but we are heading towards the conclusion of 'Feel.'

I do not own Steven Universe, or the comic this fic was inspired by. All rights go to Cartoon Network and Rebecca Sugar, as well as the respective author(s) of the comic.

*Warnings for this chapter include angst, depression/dark thoughts/feelings, and mentions of smoking and withdrawal symptoms*

I hope you guys enjoy and thank you for bearing with me. I look forward to hearing what you think!

- Raven


"You'll do it to yourself…"

It's dark.

"Those things are bad for you! Pearl you…"

It's cold.

"Do you even care?"

She can't breathe and there's a twisted instinctual panic as her body fights to inhale something that isn't there.

"I need you!"

I don't want to…

"Please, Pearl…"

I don't…

"Just breathe already!"

Here. I'm here...I'm….

My Pearl…why?

"Pearl?"


She was…floating.

Floating like she had always dreamed of, floating in a way that not even the smoke had been able to provide. It was…nice. Calm. Just a simple pearl adrift in a simple ocean, the waves rolling gently beneath her. There was nothing else, just her and…and…there was something. She would have frowned if she was capable. But her body didn't even seem to exist wherever she was, just an endless void of…wait. Something.

earl?

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe she couldn't breathe she shouldn't need air but she does and it hurts it hurts so much why does it hurt?

Pearl!

Drowning, drowning she was dying she was burning! It wasn't nitrogen, it wasn't flame it wasn't quite anything, just a raw searing burn that flooded her insides and left her craving death far more than she had before. She couldn't breathe, couldn't even think past the ache, past the pain past the need.

Need. She needed something. Needed it just as badly as she needed air, no. Never mind air, she needed this….What? She couldn't…couldn't….

Pearl!

Screaming. Screaming someone was….she was….she needed….she wanted to….why couldn't they just let her….die.


It's dark. It's dark and it's cold and wet. There's something itching….her face. She's itchy and it takes her a moment to realize that she can feel her body again. It hits her slowly, the heaviness of being whole, the strange tickling itch that she wants to reach but can't. She thinks she's breathing but she isn't sure.

And suddenly she is sure because the moment she takes a breath it seizes in her lungs, stabbing straight through her body and causing her to jerk with the force of the pain. The itching is gone but that doesn't matter because she can't breathe! She tries to be logical, to think and reason that she doesn't need air, but her body wants it, needs it, craves….it.

"Pearl!"

The voice is too loud, too loud and she wants to scold the gem responsible but the voice is wrong. Too high pitched to be Amethyst, too young to be Garnet. There's a part of her that knows, that aches and yearns, but the rest of her is too busy trying to remember how to breathe.

And then there's a warm body pressed against her, the familiar soft itchiness against her cheek. Something is squeezing her middle and instinct tells her to panic, to fight, to run, but the squeeze is too firm. Too secure. And her body is vibrating, a hum of sound rumbling through her body, and she is somehow able to feel the words. Hear them echoing at the back of her mind.

"It's ok. It'll be ok, just breathe Pearl."

I can't! There's no air! It's a foolish thought, but it comes through in another desperate gasp, and the squeezing is tight but not constricting. And familiar. She knows this touch, longs for it every day. But how….

"Breathe, Pearl."

It's an order. Orders must be followed or there will be consequences.

"Breathe."

It's a request. She wouldn't dare deny a request from…from….

"Pearl."

It's a plea, a desperate aching thing and she somehow finds herself leaning into the arms around her. Arms, with a soft warm body attached. A voice she knows and trusts. Loves. Oh, stars above, how she loves….

Steven.


When her eyes open again she is alone, but it's ok. She knows how to be alone. She's lying down, flat on her back, but there is something soft beneath her head, and a warm feeling that hadn't been there before. She remembers it being dark, but if it had been so dark, why was it light now? She can't remember and there's a feeling of panic, and it is heightened at the sound of a soft rumble, just off to her left.

She looks, and there is a shape beside her on the couch. She wants to question why she's on the couch, but the shape is so familiar, so soft, so warm. She isn't alone, and the thought makes her feel…she isn't sure what just yet, but she's feeling again, and, ironically, isn't sure how she feels about that. She sits up, regretting it instantly as her head spins violently, a lurching spasm echoing deep inside her. Then she sees the other figure in the room, leaning against the kitchen counter in what could have been a casual pose. But she knows the other too well, and so she tenses, waiting for whatever is to come.

"He hasn't left your side since it started."

The words aren't what she'd been expecting, though the tone is. Cold, clipped, with a spark of anger underneath that doesn't diminish with the ice.

"Since what…started?"

Her voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk. Hurts to even breathe though she's somehow doing that, too. There's a shift in Garnet's expression, and she wishes she could see her eyes to know what that is, hating the subtlety, hated having to work it out for herself.

"The withdrawal."

And suddenly it hits her, and she's drowning again, her body trembling at the force of those two simple words. She can't breathe and she knows that she is breathing, can feel the air filling and leaving her, but there's something missing from it, something she needs so badly. She can't breathe without it, can't think. She can't feel, and she doesn't want to feel. Please…

The couch dips beside her and suddenly there are tiny hands on the sides of her face, squeezing her cheeks and turning her head. Away from the waves, away from Garnet and the eyes that she knows are glaring at her beneath the visor. The eyes that meet hers are soft and brown, so familiar and full of love and pain. Pain that she's caused. And she feels it, she feels, she doesn't know what just that she is and she wants it to stop.

"It's ok, Pearl."

It's not, though! It's not ok, how can it be after what she'd done? How could he say that, how could he still care?

"It's gonna be ok. I promise."

He shouldn't be making these promises. She isn't worth it, she's just a pearl, just a worthless pearl who felt too much for anyone's good.

"Breathe."

His voice, so calm, so soothing. So wise beyond his years. His hands pressing against her face and keeping her focused on him. Only on him, because it was all about him, wasn't it? How could she have been so selfish? How could she have wanted to forget him?

Her breath hitches and it's only then that she realizes that he was crying, too, his eyes bright with tears, though none had yet to stream down his face as hers were. She gasps, and it hurts, and she feels, and that hurts too. It's too much all at once and she's let him down. She's failed him, she's failed Rose. But he's still there, still holding her and feeling for her, and before she can quite understand how it happens she's in his arms. His hands don't quite reach around her, but they press comfortingly against her back, and he's singing something, the words a jumble but the music still audible, a warm breeze to chase away the dark of the smoke.

She meets Garnet's gaze over his shoulder and she knows. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough. But she can't afford to let it consume her. She knows this, even as her body still instinctively craves it, yearns for the silence and the peace that the smoke brings. It will take time. She knows this, too. And she's hurt them.

"I'm sorry."

She's hurt all of them.

"I'm so, so sorry."

But none more so than herself. It's a selfish thought, and there's a selfish solution. But she's already made it this far. And she's not alone. She could make it farther. For them. For herself. Most importantly, for the little boy who was still singing into her chest, who hadn't left her side even through everything she had put him through.

It still hurt. But if he was willing, then maybe she could be too. She could learn to feel again. She would learn.

For him. For Steven.