Chapter 4 – wrap it up in some tenderness

A/N. Thank you again to all my reviewers. You have no idea how much your support means to me. I had to cut this chapter in two because it was getting much too long and its already been too long since my last update. The conclusion to this chapter should follow much sooner. A quick shout out to Mayzee. While I had already planned that Jane and Lisbon would take turns answering each other's questions Mayzee beat me to the punch in her excellent story Trust.

The short drive to Lisbon's apartment passed quickly. Once out of the lot Jane had slowed to more sedate speed which headed off a revisit of their ongoing debate on the merits of his driving.

Jane pulled the Monaro smoothly into its allotted spot and killed the engine.

"It's a nice ride", he complemented. "A little bit bogan for my tastes but it certainly handles smoothly".

Lisbon nearly took the bait but then checked her response. "Don't let my brother here you say that, he moved heaven and earth to get me this car", she said with a mock glare. "And don't think I don't know what you're doing by trying to start an argument. You're not going to weasel out of our game, I'm wise to you Patrick Jane!"

She opened the door to her unit and snapped on the lights. She gestured vaguely to her couch before heading towards the kitchen.

"I assume you'd like a tea?" Lisbon called.

Jane closed the front door behind him and stood nervously in the living area. He listened to the sound of the tap running and then the electric tea kettle starting to boil. In a few short minutes Lisbon would be emerging with a cup of tea and the expectation he would come clean on Lorelei Martin. A cup of tea, he suspected, wasn't going to cut it.

"I could use something stronger if that's all right with you", he called back.

There was a brief moment of hesitation. "Ok".

For the first time in years Jane was all alone in Lisbon's living room. The most obvious change was a couple of framed photos of Teresa with a tall ruggedly handsome man, presumably Jeff. Jane picked one up to and examined it closely. He was unaware of how his other hand curled into a partial fist.

The picture was a candid pose, clearly taken by a third party catching them unawares. They were looking at each other as if they were sharing a private joke. Jeff's love of Lisbon radiated from his entire demeanour. Jane mused that if he were Lisbon's protective older brother, he could have asked for nothing more than what he could easily read on the man. He shifted his focus to Lisbon, expecting to find signs of her typical reserve, a hint of resistance to the arm enfolding her. He looked in vain. The clearest read he could get off his best friend was happiness. An easy unguarded happiness that Teresa very rarely revealed, at least around him. Jane felt a sick feeling stir in his stomach.

Jeff was someone that had made Lisbon truly happy; was exactly the kind of man and life she deserved. Jane couldn't regret his decision to reconnect with Lisbon, he wanted, needed her his life and he was pretty sure Lisbon felt the same… But who was he to crowd out any further chances of happiness for her? He had always assumed that Lisbon was something of a kindred spirit. That her issues made her incapable or unwilling to open up to someone in a committed relationship.

It was one way he'd assuaged the guilt he felt over pushing the boundaries of professionalism and friendship into that of a quasi relationship. Never acknowledged, of course and never one that crossed the lines too far. It had suited him well, allowing him to devote most of his heart to vengeance and using his friendship with Lisbon to brighten up the remaining corner in order to draw strength and sanity.

It appeared he had badly miscalculated, which meant that his twisted form of selfish possessiveness had denied Lisbon a more fulfilling expression of her life. Who was he to come waltzing back and demand her time and emotional energy all over again. How was that being a friend? Indeed had he ever been much of a friend to her? He collapsed onto the couch and pondered again his motives for returning.

Teresa walked into the living room with two squat glasses and a half full bottle of scotch. As she clunked them onto her wooden coffee table she suddenly remembered the day she'd received Jane's first letter. She glanced at Jane and felt herself starting to blush. Not for the first time she thanked god he wasn't really a psychic.

"Do you want ice with that?" she husked, then coughed to clear her throat. Jane shook his head.

Lisbon carefully poured a generous double finger in each glass. She nudged one of them in Jane's direction and then sat down on the opposite corner of the couch, knees pulled up to her chest, body angled towards him.

He leaned forward and picked the glass up and studied the contents. "Don't worry", he said. "I don't plan on getting drunk." He didn't need to elaborate further on how he knew she hated being around drunks.

Teresa gave a small nod and waited for him to continue.

Jane took a small swallow of scotch and grimaced. "You asked me about Lorelei… Well the first thing you should know is he sent her to me about three weeks before we made the arrest. I knew right away that she must belong to him. Right away. I don't know if that makes you think more or less of me."

He looked up a Lisbon but couldn't read a reaction from beyond her undivided attention. "She was sent to seduce me and I let her. That was very, very hard for me.

Lisbon gave a small snort of disbelief. "C'mon Jane, you'd been alone for a long time and suddenly a drop dead gorgeous woman practically half your age was all over you. I get it, I really do. Any man in your situation would have reacted the same. Just don't insult me by denying her appeal." Her tone was harsher than intended but she didn't care. Lorelei had occupied a fair share of her thinking where Jane was concerned.

Jane accepted her anger, saying nothing, Lisbon watched his hands nervously toying with his ring while his left foot jiggled up and down. All solid gold tells of discomfort that he normally never gave off. He shrugged resignedly. "I know why you would think that. Lorelei is an attractive woman…"

Lisbon's face visibly tightened. Attractive was an understatement. Even dishevelled from processing and interrogation Lorelei had been an exotically beautiful woman; a lethal mix of youthful good looks and a darker, sexually intimate manner that spoke of great experience. Even as a very conventionally oriented woman Teresa had not been completely unaware of the woman's intoxicating aura.

Seeing her reaction Jane hurriedly continued his explanation. "… but believe me to allow someone that close to me wasn't easy." Seeing the continued look of scepticism on Lisbon's face he shifted tack. "In all our time together have you ever known me to take up with a woman?" He looked away, too uncomfortable to meet Lisbon's eye.

Lisbon considered. That much was true. Jane might be a terrible flirt and certainly never hesitated to use his charm to get a woman's help but if he had taken someone to bed he must have been extremely discrete. It was one of the things that had allowed her to initially tolerate working with him. Exasperating and dishonest though he was he'd remained faithful to the memory of his wife despite the numerous temptations that crossed his path. It spoke to a layer of decency to the man that wasn't otherwise apparent.

"I know you think that I was celibate out love for Angie and I was, but it's also true that I have trust issues that get in the way of letting other people in. Angie was the only woman I'd ever known. We met as kids, practically grew up together and then ran away together. I didn't really have to share anything with her because she already knew. I never wanted to let anyone else close. It was meant to be just me and her forever.

Jane smiled the sad smile that never failed to pierce Lisbon's reserve. She took a large gulp of her scotch and looked at Jane with a combination of surprise and compassion. Whatever she had expected to hear from Jane it certainly wasn't this.

Jane took a deep breath and regained his composure. "I only tell you this so you appreciate that when Lorelei crossed my path, I acted as I did out of calculation. I knew exactly what I was doing. I told you many times that I would do anything to catch him and when my chance came I took it. She was sent to seduce me but instead I turned the tables and seduced her".

He dropped his head in shame. "I've done many things I'm not proud of; for most of my life I was a con artist, a manipulator and I didn't give a damn about who I hurt to get what I wanted. Lorelei was so deeply under that monster's spell it never even occurred to him that I might turn her against him." Jane forced himself to meet Lisbon's eye. "Seducing Lorelei was both my greatest and lowest moment."

"I'm ashamed of what I did and yet I can't regret it. It lead to his capture and me finally getting my vengeance. I think it also left Lorelei in a better place, even though that's currently the inside of a gaol cell. But here's the hones truth, Teresa. The more I managed to win her over the worse I began to feel. I did start to care about her, you were right to call me on that, but it wasn't in the way you think. We had a connection that had nothing to do with the physical, Lisbon. "She's a survivor. Like us."

Lisbon's mouth turned downwards. "Lorelie is nothing like us"

"She is". Jane insisted, leaning forwards intently. "When you suffer trauma as a child it marks you, changes you. You know that's true."

Lisbon shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about".

"C'mon Teresa!" Jane's voice increased in intensity. "Don't tell me that when you meet people you don't sometimes get a sense that very bad things happened to them. I know you do. Part of that's being a good cop but part is also knowing what signs to look for because their true of yourself. I never pushed you on what exactly happened after your mother died but I didn't need to. What you went through has shaped your behaviour and outlook. What did that millionaire describe it as? Your damaged intensity. We recognise our own, Teresa."

"Stop, just stop" shouted Lisbon, clearly agitated. She took a deep calming breath. You're supposed to be telling me about Lorelei not dragging my goddam childhood into this. I dealt with that a long time ago and I don't want you dragging it up ever again. Yes some bad things happened, I took a few beatings, no big deal. Better me than my brothers. But I didn't turn into the mistress of a sick and twisted serial killer. Having a tough past is no excuse for turning criminal."

Jane sighed. "I wasn't trying to excuse her behaviour. I agree with you and what's more it's why I convinced her to turn herself in. She's doing her time. I'm just saying that when I was with her we both saw something in each other that most people can't.

A slow realisation began to dawn on Lisbon. "Wait a minute. You aren't talking about the loss of your family are you? Your dad was an alcoholic, I know that much." Jane started to speak but Lisbon held up her hand. "Wait, hear me out. Was he more than just a drunk, Jane? Did he abuse you as well?"

It was Jane's turn to shake his head in denial. "No! He was a mean drunk and he knocked me around a couple of times but he didn't do much else, nothing physical. My old man was a lot meaner with his words than he ever was with his fists." Jane looked away, "when I said childhood trauma, I should have said any major trauma. I meant what happened to my wife and child."

Lisbon narrowed her eyes. Had she not known him as long she had she may well have believed him. She continued to press. "So it wasn't your dad. Ok, was it someone else from the show? Supposing what you say is right about being able to spot a 'survivor' it explains why we always manage to get each other."

"No, no, no Teresa" Jane continued to backpedal. I am merely making an observation as a student of human nature.

"Bullshit Patrick. This game was your idea and you don't get to back out of it just because it's getting a bit uncomfortable. Her voice softened. "Patrick, you can trust me."

Jane's shoulders slumped in resignation. "I do trust you. You know I do. It's just I can't talk about that. I can't go back there, I never have and I don't think I ever will." Jane's fists were clenched and pressed hard into his thighs. Lisbon reached out to place her hand on his but he flinched at the contact like a scalded cat.

"Hey, it's all right, she whispered. I'm sorry I pushed you, it's none of my business. Sometimes the past needs to stay in the past. " She chuckled dryly. "I'm the one that keeps telling you that and here I am trying to dig up yours."

Jane took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "I probably deserved that", he conceded, "I never did like the taste of my own medicine." He paused and took stock of his surroundings. Lisbon's unit was a little cluttered but comfortable. When he looked at the woman herself all he saw was care and compassion. Despite everything he'd done she was still there for him. He knew she would be as good as her word, that she would never press him on this issue, yet perversely, Jane suddenly felt an overwhelming need to share this part of his life with her.

Jane began speaking slowly. "Something did happen in my childhood, but it wasn't that bad, not really."

A look of scepticism warred with Lisbon's compassion.

"When I was 7 or 8 my father went off to chase some wild scam. He didn't have any use for me so he left me with the Christian Brothers. "

"Patrick…" Lisbon whispered in horror.

Jane blanched, then turned red with shame. "No, Lisbon, it's not what you think. It was a mean, vicious place. They beat the hell out of us, let the older kids make our lives a living hell and all the time they preached god's wrath at us. How we were worthless and unworthy of his eternal mercy. It was like The Lord of the Flies made real."

Lisbon sat motionless, fighting to keep any look of pity from her face. She knew from bitter experience what how repugnant that expression was to someone truly hurt.

Jane flashed Lisbon a broken smile. "Still, it could have been worse. Apart from the beatings we weren't, touched, in the way you suggest. That sort of thing had mostly been weeded out of the system by then. And wouldn't you know it, they even made me glad to see my old man when he came back."

He smiled bitterly. "A year and a half with the Christian Brothers was a very salutary lesson for a small boy. I did everything the hell I could to please dad, let me assure you. I don't think I ever lost the fear of going back there till the moment I walked out on him at 16."

Lisbon searched for something to say, anything to show she understood. "Jane, I never knew things were so bad but you're right, I always did suspect there was something because of what I myself went through."

Jane nodded. "I've never been able to talk about that time, not even to Angie. My father always said you had to carry your own water. Grow up in country NSW and that's doubly true. If he did nothing else he did certainly lived that principle. He was a cold, hard bastard but whatever hurt him he kept to himself."

Lisbon nodded. Her father wasn't a hard bastard, not in the same sense, and where Alex Jane had kept everything inside John Lisbon had let his misery spill out all over his family. The end result was the same, however. A childhood spent living in fear. The loss of innocence. A sense of alienation from normal society and normal families who didn't have their illusions brutally shattered.

Jane nodded as if he's been privy to Lisbon's innermost thoughts. "My point with Lorelei is that she went through something just as bad, worse, actually. He sensed that about her and used it to break her will. She was a victim of his every bit as much as I was. When she came to that realisation things changed between us. We got past the sordid seduction thing and were able to start planning on how to bring him down.

I will never resent Lorelei for the things she did. What I feel towards her now is empathy and gratitude. She gave me the keys to my deliverance and then faced up to her crimes. That took a hell of a lot of guts. I owe her my loyalty and my friendship, but that's all it is and she feels much the same way."

Teresa gave a jerky nod. "I'm glad you were honest and told me that. When you disappeared with her I didn't know what to think. I don't think I can ever bring myself to like that woman but if you say there is another side to her that's good enough for me. Thank you."

Jane nodded back. "You're welcome". He didn't even bother disguising the look of pure relief that threatened to suffuse his whole face. He started to take a sip of his scotch then wrinkled his face and set it down. "I'm going to get a glass of water", he said and headed for the kitchen.

Lisbon let out a long repressed breathe and leaned back into her couch. Getting Jane to finally talk about Lorelei felt like an angry boil that had been finally lanced. It had lain beneath the surface whenever she thought of Jane. Generally suppressed or ignored only for a sudden shift to bring the pain flaring to life. Now she could let that resentment go.

It wasn't as if Jane had been unfaithful to her. At worst it had been to her image of him. After all, they had made no specific claim on each other so what exactly had Jane betrayed? A possibility, an attraction neither of them had had the courage or desire to address? If so then Lisbon was no less guilty for having pursued a relationship with Jeff, and that was something she couldn't and wouldn't feel guilty about.

Jane returned to the room and placed a glass of water in front of each of them. He have a deep sigh and looked at Lisbon with a relieved smile. A small silence grew between them, comfortable and comforting. Then Jane being Jane, he seemingly plucked the last thought from Lisbon's mind.

He reached across and picked up the picture of her and Jeff hugging on the lookout from Black Mountain. Lisbon restrained a strong desire the snatch the picture from his hands.

"Tell me why you broke things off with Jeff", he asked gently.