Disclaimer: I wish it was mine, I wish it was mine, I wish it was mine... Where the Hell is that damn genie?
THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1
By screaminheathen69
Chapter the Fourth
They hadn't intended to start a brawl. Honest. A guy got a little handsy with Vala, and she put a stop to it. That was really all there was to it. I swear.
Of course, her putting a stop to it involved the use of a certain Jaffa self defense technique she'd learned from Teal'c. She'd learned it well, too. Mr. Grab-Ass (as Vala would later name him ) wound up face down on the floor of the Iron Horse Saloon with a dislocated shoulder and a very bloody (not to mention broken) nose.
His buddies didn't take too kindly to that, and a brawl did therefore ensue.
The police were not amused.
So, despite Sam and Vala's pleas that they were simply defending themselves, they found themselves hauled off to jail along with about thirty other inebriated individuals. The officers just shook their heads exasperatedly. "We'll sort it out in the morning."
Morning came. And went. By two-thirty, most of the rest of the people that had been involved in the brawl had either been released or bailed out. Sam and Vala were among the few remaining, in spite of Sam's grudging call to Dr. Lam asking her to send them some bail money. (Carolyn had let out a loud whoop. Seems she won the pool.)
Three o'clock. Four. They were getting a bit irked as they watched the last of the brawlers walk out while they still sat there.
"Oh, come on!" Sam was not a happy camper. "Why are we still here?"
"Because I asked them to hold you until I could get down here to bail you out." Both women's eyes jerked to the cell door. Yup. There stood Jack O'Neill. Sam buried her face in her hands.
"Oh, crap..."
Jack leaned against the bars, all practiced nonchalance. "Sooo... Care to tell me what happened?"
Vala piped right up. "Happy to. When we get back to the hotel, we'll tell you allabout it."
"Nope."
Sam shot Jack the Evil Eye. "Whaddaya mean, nope?"
"I did in fact come here, bail money in hand, to get you out. But, I know you well enough to know that I'll never get the whole story later. Therefore..."
The Evil Eye got deadlier. "Therefore, if we want out, we have to tell you the whole story now, right?"
Jack grinned. "Yup."
"Oh, for cryin' out loud..." Sam sat there and glared daggers at Jack. He just stood there and grinned. He knew he had them both over a barrel.
Vala rolled her eyes. "Oh, fine. It's not that big a deal anyway. You see, it's like this-"
Jack held up a hand. "Just a sec." He dragged a chair over next to the cell and made himself comfy, then waved a hand in a 'go ahead' gesture. "Do go on..."
Vala gave Jack a dry look, then continued in a matter of fact voice. "There was a gentleman that got overly friendly with me. He grabbed me and put his hands on certain portions of my anatomy without my permission. I asked him politely to remove his hands. He refused. I asked him again, this time adding a warning that if he didn't remove his hands from my posterior, I would remove them for him. He still refused. I therefore removed his hands from my person. It was a clear case of self defense."
Jack looked over at Sam, who was nodding. And still giving him the Evil Eye. "That was all there was to it?"
Vala nodded solemnly. "Yes."
"And yet, a brawl. Hmm." Jack pulled a face. "Somehow, for some strange, unfathomable reason, I find myself thinking that there just has to be something more."
Sam and Vala traded looks. Uh huh, Jack thought.
"Well," drawled Vala, "I did cause him a bit of damage when I, err, removed his hands."
"Damage? As in..."
"She used that neat little trick Teal'c taught us all a while back, sir."
Jack thought about it for a second. Then his eyes widened. "You dislocated the guys shoulder?"
"And broke his nose," Vala said proudly.
"Oh, lord," said Jack, realisation dawning.
"Exactly, sir. His buddies weren't too pleased with the fact that a woman had just kicked their friends ass like that, so..." Sam trailed off, letting Jack get the visual.
"Oh, lord," Jack said again.
"We were doing quite well, actually," Vala said defensively. "Well, that is, until..."
Jack scrunched up his face. "Until..."
"Well, one of the men attacking us sort of went (Vala made a flying motion with her hand) flying into a nearby table," Vala said.
"Which knocked the table over," Sam said.
"And spilled all their beer," added Vala.
Jack ran a hand down his face. "Oh, lord," he said again. "And then there was brawl?"
"And then there was brawl," Sam said.
Jack sat there for a bit, taking it all in. "Okay, fine. I believe you. But there is one question that still needs answering."
Sam sighed. "And that would be?"
"Why, if you wouldn't mind explaining, are the two of you sitting there in red, white and blue bikini bottoms and Daytona P.D. tee-shirts?"
Sam and Vala traded looks again, then shrugged. Vala started. "Well, just before the fight, we had just won another wet tee-shirt contest."
"Wet tee-shirt contest? Wait. Hold it. Another wet tee-shirt contest? How many have their been?"
Vala looked over at Sam. "What was that, the fifth?"
"Sixth."
"Sixth. As well as the swimsuit contest. Oh, and there was that... what was it called, Samantha?"
Sam rolled her eyes. "Cole-slaw wrestling."
"Yes, that. That was fun! Anyway-"
Jack waved his hands. "Okay! I got the picture!" Oh, boy, did he have the picture. "Wet tee-shirt contest, I got it. How does this tie into what you two are wearing right now?"
"Well, we wore the bikini bottoms under out tee-shirts, and since we came stright here from the bar, we haven't exactly had the chance to change. As for the Daytona P.D. shirts, well, our own shirts were sort of..."
"Damaged," finished Vala, helpfully.
"Damaged?" said Jack.
"More like ripped off during the fight, actually," said Sam.
Jack's eyes got huge.
"The officers were kind enough to lend us these," said Vala, stretching the tee-shirt out and striking a pose.
"Very stylish," said Jack.
"So, will you get us out of here now, sir?"
Jack shook himself out of the visual that kept playing through his mind. "What? Oh, yeah." He stood up and slid the unlocked cell door open. "You're both free to go. They reviewed the video footage- apparently, there were a lot of people taping the contest- and saw that the other guys started it. The charges have been dropped."
Vala jumped up and sprinted out of the cell. Sam walked out at a more sedate pace, studying her former C.O. "You already knew we were free?"
"Yup."
"And still you made us sit in that cell and tell you everything?"
"Yup."
"You are a dead man. Sir."
"Yup. Worth it, though."
Sam glared at him a moment more, then shrugged and walked tiredly after Vala. "I'm gonna go take a shower and catch a nap. There was one more contest that we wanted to enter tonight..."
'To thee no star be dark...'
