"How's this?" Ferb asked. He made a soft chattering noise.
"Sounds like a very strange way of saying cup." Perry told him.
"Oh, come on! That was a good chatter."
"Not really. You pronounce cup like this: 'Cup.' You said 'Kuh-kuh-cup'."
"I should teach you how to speak English." Ferb said.
"I don't have the vocal cords for that."
"Say 'hi."
"Hhhhhhhhhhhgggh." Perry said.
"Close enough." Ferb decided.
"A lot closer than your stuttered 'cup'."
"Oh, stop it."
"Let's teach Phineas platypus." Perry said.
"He's asleep."
"No matter." Perry said. "Phineas, repeat after me. Say 'red'."
Phineas snored.
"That's 'fireplace', but very good!"
"His snore meant fireplace?" Ferb asked.
"Yep." Perry put his ear closer to Phineas as he slept. "Now he's snoring 'Fireplace anvil tortilla chip'. Needs to work on his diction, though. His words are slurring together."
"It must be quite difficult to learn a language that consists of chatters and snorts." Ferb said.
"I knew it ever since I was a baby. Not hard."
"I remember everything from my baby years." Ferb said. "Including my birth."
"All I remember from my first few days is that my brother licked me. And my mother had to keep dragging me and my siblings back to her little cave-place. We kept wandering off one at a time and she had to keep going out and getting us."
Ferb rubbed his head. "I have a bit of a headache. I'm gonna lie down."
"Want to watch something while you do so?"
Ferb nodded.
Perry felt a vibration. He reached into his pocket for his phone and felt something break. Liquid oozed over his hand.
Perry pulled his hand out. His fur was dotted with bits of eggshell, and dripping with yolk. "Whoops. Wrong pocket. Sorry, Elvis. Dang, it's gonna take forever for me to get that egg mess out of my fur pocket…"
"How do you have pockets?" Ferb asked.
"Surgeons can do just about anything." Perry said. He reached into his other pocket. "There's my phone. Hello?"
"Can you help me mail something?" Devon asked.
"Sure, what are you mailing? A corpse? Need me to help you stuff it in the box?"
"No, I'm mailing a package to my friend Gordy. He's a golden retriever who lives in Colorado."
"Sure. I'll be right there. Danville Post Office, right?"
"Yep. I just don't know HOW to mail it. There's some machine that does it since the post office is closed, but I don't know how to use it."
"I sort of know how to use it. See you in a sec." Perry hung up and stuck his phone back in his pocket. "Right after I wash my hand."
"I called Pinky and got his answering machine before I called you." Devon explained. "And then after you hung up Pinky called back and said he was on his way… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you out here when you could have stayed home."
"Nah, I'm fine."
Pinky was messing with the post machine.
"Hello, are you mailing a package or a letter?" The machine asked.
"Package." Pinky told it.
"Does your package contain any animal parts, hazardous materials, explosives, or liquids?"
"Of course." Perry said. "We're mailing our pygmy hippo with his favorite knife and weapons. Oh, and don't forget the matches and fireworks. And I think there may be some coffee in there."
"SHUSH, Perry!" Pinky hissed.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" The machine asked.
"That." Perry told it.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"Perry, stop." Pinky said. "No." He told the machine.
"Please weigh your package." The machine said.
"Quick, Dev. Grab a pygmy hippo and put him on the scale." Perry said.
Pinky took Devon's package and set it on the scale.
"Thank you." Said the machine. "Please put your package in the hatch next to me. And have a nice day."
"We could have just put it in the hatch in the first place without going through all that." Perry said.
Pinky only sighed.
Pinky sat down in a chair across from Alan the alligator, who was showing Peter a magic trick.
"Was this your card?" Alan asked.
Peter shook his head.
"How about this one?"
"Yep. Actually, no."
Alan frowned. "Oh well. Hey, Pinky. Where were you?"
"At the post office, mailing something for Devon." Pinky said.
"Cool. I love that machine thing they installed there." Peter said. "I keep wanting to disassemble it and see how it works."
"Perry nearly overheated it." Pinky muttered. "He kept joking around with it."
"Don't be so hard on him." Alan said. "People who aren't happy usually try to keep their spirits up by making jokes. Remember, Terrence died pretty recently. It's still affecting him."
"I know. And I know he has fun joking around. It's just sometimes it gets really annoying. Like that one time at the movies when he wouldn't SHUT UP."
"He's growing more social." Alan said. "That's a good thing."
"I just get so annoyed with him! He doesn't stop! Sometimes I just wanna watch a movie without someone chattering about how stupid it is every two seconds. So what if Terrence or whoever it was died? People die! What's the big deal? Just get OVER it and stop bugging everybody else!"
The door opened. Perry walked into the room, and Pinky fell silent. Perry appeared both furious and upset.
"I need a paper towel." Perry said to Alan in a cold tone.
"Why? What happened?"
"Elvis's egg juice got in my pocket, and it's drying up. I'm going to wash off the inside of the egg and keep the shell."
"You'd think that giving an animal an egg to take care of is teaching them how to care for a baby, but maybe it's really teaching them how to clean up after them." Peter said.
Perry seemed about to say something, then decided against it.
Alan took a napkin from the dispenser on the table and handed it to Perry.
Perry pulled a pen from his pocket, scribbled something down on a corner of the napkin, tore it off, and handed it to Peter.
"There. You just witnessed the last of it." He snapped. He stormed out of the room, looking as though he were about to cry.
Peter read the napkin and smiled a little.
"What does it say?" Alan asked.
"It says, 'You're right! It's a conspiracy! Trying to teach us how to clean up baby guts in case our young wind up getting murdered!' Perry's so funny."
"Why didn't he just tell you-" Pinky began. Suddenly a thought occurred to him. "Oh… oh no. You guys don't think… Perry heard what I said, do you?"
"How could he?" Peter asked. "Perry walked in right after you ranted.
"And he's not the type who listens at doors. I think he's just upset about his egg. Not only did he basically fail the parenting test, but it does NOT feel good to have sticky, wet egg all over you." Alan said.
"I think he might have heard me." Pinky whispered.
Perry angrily rinsed off Elvis's shell, cracking it even more. At least it was still shaped kind of like an egg. Without a top.
He set Elvis down on the corner of the sink and wet the paper towel Alan had given him. He stared at it for a moment, and then burst into tears. It was incredibly embarrassing, but at least there wasn't anyone else around to see.
"Perry?"
Great.
Perry slumped down underneath the sink and choked down his tears. He threw the paper towel across the room and put his head in his hands.
Pinky tapped on him. "Uh… do you need help? Getting the egg cleaned up?"
"No." Perry wiped his eyes. "Go away."
"Perry… what I said… I didn't mean, I mean…"
"Shut UP."
"I'm just trying to apologi-"
"Terrence was a great animal. He was kind and compassionate. He was open to everyone. He would always console me when I was sad, and I could always joke around with him." Perry sniffed. "He protected me when no one else would stand up for me. I never even got to say goodbye."
Pinky was silent.
"So… no. I'm sorry, but I can't get over it. And I don't know when I'm going to. And if that bothers you, then maybe you should just stay the heck away from me."
"Perry, no. I didn't mean any of that. And I don't want to stay away from you. You're one of my best friends."
"Things were easier when I just ignored everyone." Perry choked. "People don't get mad at you if you let them be. Your hopes don't get smashed."
"Perry…"
"And maybe, just maybe, I didn't joke around because I was sad. Maybe I joke because it's fun. Well, who cares. I won't bug you anymore."
"You don't bug me! I love it when you joke around."
"Stop lying to me." Perry pocketed Elvis and stood up. "Just stop."
"I'm not lying."
Perry pushed past him and left the room.
"I wish I could go, Stacy. But my dad's out shopping and he left me in charge." Candace told her cell phone. "And both Phineas and Ferb are like, dead. Well, they're not ACTUALLY dead, but if you saw them, you'd think they were. Ferb caught Phineas's flu thing. And their stupid platypus keeps falling asleep on my lap and drooling on me!"
Perry rolled over in Candace's lap and purred.
"EW." Candace said. "Get OFF!"
She tried to shake him off. Perry hooked his claws into her skirt.
"EEEKK!" Candace screamed. She stood up. Perry still remained attached to her skirt.
She stormed upstairs and shoved the bedroom door open. "PHINEAS AND FERB! YOUR STUPID UGLY SMELLY PLATYPUS IS CLAWING INTO MY SKIRT AND HE WON'T GET OFF!"
"Huh?" Phineas mumbled, not opening his eyes.
"How do I GET HIM OFF?" Candace demanded.
"Eggplant." Phineas murmured.
Ferb coughed. He was a little more conscious than Phineas was. "Just… pull him off."
Candace tugged on Perry, and he came free. Perry growled at her. She tossed him on the floor.
"Keep your ugly platypus in your room." Candace said.
"He's… afraid of germs." Ferb said sleepily.
"Ferb, he's a PLATYPUS. They don't DO much."
Phineas threw up on the floor. The instant Ferb saw, he did the same.
Perry joined in just for fun.
"EEEWWWW!" Candace shouted. "WHEN DAD GETS BACK, YOU TWO ARE TOTALLY BUSTED!"
"For throwing up on the floor?" Phineas mumbled.
Candace didn't respond. She turned and stomped out of the room.
"Wait until she sees what I did on her bed." Perry told the boys.
Phineas blinked, but he didn't really respond otherwise.
Concerned, Perry lay down in between their beds. "Feel better." He whispered.
Phineas tried to smile.
"EEEEEEKKK! PHINEAS AND FERB, YOUR PLATYPUS WET MY BED!"
