Chapter Four:

March 1.
Carson City, Nevada
Carson City Morgue
8:35a.m.

She should have been relieved to have a case to preoccupy their minds, to advert their attention away from the cancer that grew inside her, but as she stared down at the naked body awaiting her autopsy; reality took that moment and slammed into her like a cement truck.

She stumbled backwards, but Mulder was quick and caught her by the shoulders. "Are you all right?"

She discarded the scalpel onto the instrument tray along with the latex gloves and headed towards the closest door. "I think I'm going to be sick." He didn't comment as she hurriedly left the room.

She almost didn't make it to the restroom in time. The bile had surfaced in her throat and threatened relinquishment and she was quick to drop to her knees; bowing before the toilet. In one thrust of her stomach muscles the yellow substance poured from her lips. She lifted a small hand and flushed the toilet. Then leaned against the wall grateful at the chill it provided. The tears came next endless in their pursuit. It wasn't long until she sat sobbing uncontrollably. Would he consider her weak now? That thought alone devastated her.

She had always admired his spontaneous nature, his adventurous spirit. The way his faith never fluttered and when he believed in something; he did it wholeheartedly. He believed in her; believed that he would be able to save her. He was so beautiful. But he had been false to believe that she would be his savor. To believe that she would always be here to pick up the broken pieces of his soul and glue them back together. God; how her heart broke.

Somewhere along the path of life she had become cold, numb, to the harsh realities that the world offered. Turning a blind eye to the vast cruelties, the numerous betrayals, the countless lies. She managed to focus on becoming hard, unbreakable. As an agent this was necessary and it had been easy for her shut-off, to bottle her emotions. She had become immune to love. She did not need it nor seek it. Her apparitions did not include it. Or least they hadn't until now. But where that had been denied for so long a need for approval grew—grew like the cancer insider her; always existing in the corner of her mind. She was amazed that a woman of her stature, highly confident in her abilities, could be so weak in that area. She believed in herself. She didn't believe in much, but she did have faith and after all her faith was one of her strongest attributes. She believed in God, though not overly religious. She couldn't remember the last time she had attended mass. But she believed in fate. She had too. Fate offered a reason, a purpose. And she needed a rational for her existence, an excuse for why things happened.

Why did she have to get cancer? Was it only in the wake of death that she dared allow herself to open and accept the fact that she loved him? And she did love him. God; how she loved him.

She lifted herself up off the floor and stumbled to the sink. Turning the water on cold; she cupped her hands beneath the water till they filled then splashed the liquid to her face. She caught a glimpse of her reflection and frowned. The rose that withers first is treasured last. Where the hell did that come from?

She took a deep breath and turned to leave the restroom. She stepped out into the hall and was surprised to find him waiting. He stood with his right shoulder pressed firmly against the wall; his hands held tightly within his pockets. His one leg was bent; the other was straight to aid in his balance. He glanced up at her with concern eyes. "I was worried," he shyly stated.

She offered a faint smile at the sentiment. "I knew that the chemotherapy could make me sick."

He nodded remotely then gestured down the hall towards the awaiting autopsy room. "You don't have to do this."

She held up a dismissive hand. "And what? Leave you to your own devices? I don't think so Mulder." She waited for his smile before adding, "I had a moment of weakness. I'm fine now." She allowed her eyes to meet his. "So if you will excuse me I have an autopsy to perform." To her surprise and much to her relief he stepped aside allowing her by.