A Song in Silence
Chapter 4: Chase the Morning
Dean was ready when Cas and the siren came after him. There was no way that monster wouldn't be able to follow all that wishy-washyness right to him. So when he saw Cas begin to make his way down the small corridor, the siren in its newly resumed Dean shape, he was standing upright with his angel blade in hand, ready to face whatever might come.
The siren laughed as it watched Cas step through to the panic room, unable to move any further itself, but still amused.
"Just what did you think would happen?" the creature asked as it crossed its arms over its chest, sneering at Dean. "Did you think Cas wouldn't be able to get to you? Did you forget? He isn't an angel anymore."
"No. I didn't forget. That was kinda the point," Dean said, not looking at the siren as he and Cas began to circle each other. "I wanted to talk to you…Cas."
"There will be no talking. You will die tonight," Cas said sternly, drawing his own weapon as the two of them continued to circle. Dean kept his blade in hand, but he didn't hold it in a defensive position, just kept it pointed downward as they moved.
"Yeah, I know. I've pretty much come to terms with that. And if it's what you want, I'm not gonna stop you. If it's for you, if it's so you can live…I don't mind dying. But there's still one thing I gotta do before I go that road."
"And what is that?" Cas asked, moving forward to take a stab at him, which Dean easily sidestepped, moving away and continuing the circling movement. Cas followed suit.
"I want you to know it's not your fault," Dean said gently, keeping his focus on Cas. "I know you're still in there, Cas, and I know you can hear me…somewhere in there. And I guess if this is my last chance to say it, I may as well get it out."
"You said you wouldn't fight, Dean," the siren reminded him, examining its nails as if in boredom. "This sounds an awful lot like fighting to me."
"Cool your freakin' jets," Dean snapped at the creature, glaring at it out of the corner of his eye. "A man's got a right to his last words."
"Speak then," Cas said as he came to a standstill across the space from Dean, lowering his angel blade slightly, "so that we might get this over with faster."
"Heh, yeah, sum up years of wantin' and beatin' around the damn bush. That'll be nice and easy," Dean ribbed. "Cas…you said you knew right away. I don't think I did. I didn't know until…'til I lost you, when you closed up Purgatory…and even then I didn't really admit it to myself, not until I found you down there. I knew I didn't ever wanna lose you again. But then the whole angel tablet business started and I just figured…I thought someone like you should never want anything to do with someone like me. Everything I touch goes bad. I don't know why. I didn't want to see that happen to you, so I just went on ignoring it. Figured it would be enough just to be beside you…even if it could never be anything else. I know you're gonna hate yourself for this when you wake up, but I don't want you to blame yourself for this for one goddamn minute. I don't want you thinkin' I threw my life away because I thought it didn't matter. I know better now. My life's the most priceless thing I have to offer…because it means something. I'm giving it to you…because I love you. Do you hear me, Cas…Castiel?" he asked, feeling his throat begin to tighten up against the ache in his heart. "I love you."
As far as death went, Dean Winchester could definitely say he'd had worse. Really, he'd died in just about every way known to man. To feel the cool metal of the angel blade slide through his gut was almost…a relief. It was also a relief to see the obsessed anger fade from Cas' blue eyes. What wasn't a relief was to see those same eyes widen in shock as they came to.
"Dean," Cas whispered in horror. "No…you're not…I didn't…oh, God…what have I done?"
"It's all right, Cas," Dean returned, grunting in pain as the former angel pulled the blade from his body. "It's all right."
Cas caught him in his good arm as they both slumped to their knees. Only the feel of that arm holding him kept him upright.
"No…Dean, please," Cas begged him, his breath coming in short, sharp bursts as his eyes quickly grew red. "Please…don't die. Don't die."
"Hey…don't worry about me. It's gonna be okay," Dean choked out, already feeling the cold and the dark closing in around him. While he could still see Cas in front of him, he pressed his own angel blade against the other man's chest – a blade he'd pressed to Cas' shoulder wound the moment he'd stabbed him in order to collect a few prized drops of blood. "Gank that sonuvabitch for me, huh?"
Cas didn't take the blade, though. He simply let it clatter to the floor between them. He didn't want to waste one precious moment of holding Dean in his arms.
"Please don't go…Dean," Cas pleaded as tears began to trickle down his face. "What- what will I do?"
"You'll be all right. Already told you…this was my choice…because I love you," Dean whispered, using the last of his strength to capture Cas' lips in a blood-tinged kiss. As he collapsed against the former angel, he continued to whisper against his tear-stained face, "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
He said the words until he could no longer draw breath to whisper. He exhaled one last declaration – and his breathing did not resume.
Cas just knelt there on the floor of the panic room for several moments, holding Dean's limp body, unable to absorb the enormity of the loss. Only when he was unable to hold Dean up any longer and he crashed to a sitting position cradling the dead hunter against him did his heart finally break.
"NOO!" he screamed in agony, clinging to Dean for all he was worth. He remembered hearing tell once that only humans could feel true sorrow, and only now did he understand the truth of those words, holding the man he loved in his arms – dead by his own hand.
"Dean," he whispered gruffly, running gentle fingers through the hunter's short hair, "call my name one more time. Just one more time…please."
But Dean remained still and lifeless in his embrace. No pithy come back, no impossible miracle. Just death – and it was his fault.
Cas didn't know how long he sat like that, lost in his despair, but he was ultimately drawn back to the even sharper pain of reality by the sound of the siren's cruel laughter.
"You see now, Castiel? I told you you would choose this. This is what your free will has given you – nothing but pain. Are you ready to end it?"
He was. He couldn't possibly go lower. He had allowed himself to be used to murder Dean. There was no reason left to go on living – nothing but to be punished for this most grievous of sins, to die and pay for the life that had been taken. Castiel was ready, but when he turned to look at the siren, something gelled in his brain.
The monster was still standing on the other side of the door, unable to enter the panic room. It couldn't get to him. It was counting on his grief and despair to drive him back to the other side, and it would've been right – was – but that the small moment made the former angel realize something.
Dean did this to protect me. He made it so that I would be safe from this creature in my most vulnerable moment…and I was about to fail him again.
As the revelation swept through him, Cas' eyes fell to the floor, to the angel blade painted with his own blood, and he felt rage stiffen his spine.
No. Not again. Not this time.
Gently laying Dean's body down on the cold floor of the panic room, Cas closed the hunter's eyes before pressing a tender kiss to his forehead.
"I won't fail you, Dean. I will see this through."
XxX
Sam ran the rest of the distance to the abandoned auto yard, but when he heard the sound of Cas' broken scream from just outside the burnt out house, he knew they'd come too late.
"Dean…no," he whispered, dropping to his knees.
Rise, Sam. Don't give up yet, Gadreel pressed at the back of his mind. We may yet have time.
"Right," Sam said, steeling himself as he got back to his feet. When he managed to stumble his way into the ruined house and down to the panic room, it was to find the siren taunting Cas, who was cradling Dean's body against his chest.
"Hey! Loser!" Sam snarled to get the creature's attention, fighting to keep his focus on it and not on the sight of one of his closest friends holding his brother's dead body.
The siren turned to face him with a pleased smirk on its face. "Ah, what do we have here? The littlest angel come back for another round?"
"Damn right, bitch."
"Well, this makes my life that much easier. Now I won't have to go looking for you. You know, I was actually considering letting you live. You might have remained safe if you'd stayed away. After all, I couldn't say how much longer I can persuade Castiel to trail after me. I'll put him back under when he joins us, of course, but, well, the venom's just not as powerful the second time around. It will be just enough, I think, to get him to Bartholomew. Then the three of you will be dead and I'll be set for life," the creature said, continuing to smirk as it crossed its arms casually over its chest. Dean smirked often enough, but on this stolen face, Sam just found the expression repulsive.
"You don't watch a lot of Bond, do you," Sam said with a shake of his head.
"What? You mean for revealing my evil plan? What was left to reveal that you didn't already know? Besides, it's not a matter of being close to winning here. I have won," the monster said, an excited gleam lighting in its stolen eyes as it threw its arms wide.
"Not yet, you haven't. You haven't won until you take Cas out of here, and if you want to do that, you're going to have to go through us," Sam reminded it.
The siren raised an eyebrow, its features twisting in amusement. "Oh? So it's us now, is it? United we stand and all that. Well, angel or no, I don't know what you think you can do to stop me. There are a lot of painful heart's desires hidden in that cranium, all of which could be used to…devastating effect," the creature said as its features began to melt and shift.
Hesitating in a moment of abject fear, Sam took a step back, and in that moment Gadreel stepped in to take the reins.
"We haven't time to waste on your chatter, monster," the angel spat. "Your power will do you no good against an angel. There is nothing your physical body can provide that I desire."
The siren shook its head as its features continued to shift. "Oh, I wouldn't be too confident of that, angel. You see, everyone wants something. Your high and mighty mind's just thinking too small. You think I'm limited to carnal desire. No. You're not really all that different from a human. You're capable of wishing for anything you think you want, and I'm capable of manifesting that want. In your case…it's trust," the creature finished, and on its final note, the transformation into Sam Winchester was completed. For a moment, all the angel could do was stare at it in confusion.
"I…I do not…"
"This man represents trust for you. Sam Winchester gave you what you needed most at a crucial turning point in your life. You could never turn on him, could you," the siren said, more as a statement of fact than as a question.
It was good that Gadreel would never have to give voice to such an answer, because he honestly had no idea what it might have been. Before the siren could advance on him, an angel blade was thrust violently through its back. The creature cried out in pain as its features began to flicker rapidly between Sam and Dean. With a look of shock on its shifting face, it looked down to see the blade protruding through its chest.
"Cas…why?" it hissed out in a perfect imitation of Dean's voice, barely managing to hold the elder Winchester's form – a final stab at the former angel's fragile soul. When Gadreel caught sight of Castiel's face over the siren's shoulder, his eyes were red with tears, but they burned with a pain and fury an angel could have hardly contained, let alone a human.
"You…killed Dean," he cried out, tears pouring down his face, "and you did it using my hands! You monster!"
The creature managed one last laugh before finally settling in Dean's form. "That's- kinda the point…Cas," it spat out.
With an anguished cry, Cas gave the blade one final twist and the monster gasped out its last breath, that same ugly sneer still twisting its stolen features as it slipped from the end of the blade.
Both angel and former angel looked away from the dead creature in disgust. When Gadreel's eyes met Castiel's, the anger had left them. Only the sorrow remained as the once proud soldier wept openly.
"Sam…I'm so sorry," he choked out. "I c- couldn't fight it. I didn't mean to-"
"There will be time enough later," Gadreel said as he moved past his fallen brother, quickly going to kneel at Dean's side. "We must move quickly if we are to call him back. More time than I would like has elapsed."
"E- Ezekiel?" Castiel mumbled in shock, moving to kneel at Dean's other side, looking at him through Sam's eyes as if he could still see his true face. Gadreel didn't answer him, though. He just put his energies toward reclaiming the elder Winchester's soul from the Veil.
Cas fell silent, giving the angel space to work. Could it be…that the Winchesters could perform one more miracle? He hardly dared to hope. If this hope were snatched away, it would well and truly destroy him. Rather than give himself to hope or despair, Cas just knelt there. As his brother worked, the former angel reached to take one of Dean's still hands in his, praying silently to the only thing he still believed in.
Dean…please don't leave me. Come back. I love you.
XxX
To his credit, Dean was only mildly confused when he suddenly found himself in Stull Cemetery.
"So what's the deal here, you asshole jokers?" Dean demanded of whoever was listening. "This your idea of Hell? Huh?! You must not know who you've got here! 'Cuz I've had way worse than this!"
If it wasn't Heaven and it wasn't Hell, then what was going on here?
"Yes, I'm aware you've experienced worse," an unpleasantly familiar voice finally responded to him. "In fact, with your tendency to draw attention to yourself, I'm quite certain the whole of creation is aware that Dean Winchester suffers quite constantly."
"Well," Dean started as he turned to face the voice's owner – the final Horseman of the Apocalypse. "If it isn't my old buddy, Death. So what is this? A half way house?"
The horseman just eyed him with his typical unimpressed gaze. "Certainly not. I assure you, my boy, you are quite dead. You were never bound for Hell and with Heaven being…out of commission, as it were, I've been forced to make other arrangements."
"What do you mean?"
"Metatron did more than cast the angels from Heaven during his little episode. He sealed it up completely. My reapers have been unable to carry souls to Heaven. But you I see fit to keep close at hand," Death explained.
"Why?" Dean pressed.
"As a start, you have certainly earned your reprieve from the mess God's little gopher has made of things. Why do you think I came for you personally, as I did with Sam? As much of a nuisance as you've sometimes proven to be, you have earned my respect, if nothing else," he explained as he began to move through the graves.
"And?" Dean pressed, hesitating a moment before following him.
"And, Dean?" Death asked without looking back at him.
"You said 'as a start'. That means there's another reason. What is it?" he continued to press as he fell into step beside the horseman.
"Well, if I'm to be perfectly honest, it will be made much easier to keep an eye on your…shenanigans…from this vantage point," he said slowly, as if the word left a bad taste in his mouth.
Dean raised an eyebrow. "Shenanigans?"
"There's really no other word for it. Always you seem to be throwing a proverbial wrench into the proper order of things."
"Well, 'scuse me for not much likin' the hand I always seem to get dealt," Dean fired back.
"Don't misunderstand me, Dean Winchester. You have my applause, but you do tend to be a bit of a headache. I'm not certain I'm of a mind to let you go back."
"Let me?" Dean asked, stopping short. "What do you mean? They can't bring me back this time."
Death moved a few more steps ahead before coming to a stop, shaking his head. "That isn't so. They're trying to reach you even now. But this isn't like your brother. Sam was only dying. You are dead, Dean Winchester," the horseman said firmly as he turned to look at him. "You are in my hands now, and no matter what the angel does, the decision of whether or not you return to life is mine alone to make."
Dammit, Zeke, I told you not to do this.
"One thing I will say of you, though, is that you finally seem to have divined the true purpose of the ultimate sacrifice," Death pointed out, leading Dean to remember that last look on Cas' face – the last thing he'd seen.
"Guess so," he said with a pained sigh, "and I learned it from a damn monster of all things. Aw, hell, I just wish…"
"Yes?" Death prompted when he didn't finish.
"Y'know what? No. It doesn't matter anymore. Not here. Not now. I said what I needed to say. It's done," he said, feeling a twinge in his heart as he looked out over the endless field of graves. He wasn't sure if he really felt that, but he knew he'd need to convince himself of it when Ezekiel tried to pull him back.
"Hmm," the horseman started with a raise of his eyebrows. "I'm almost surprised. To hear such a mature attitude from you, I mean. Almost from the moment of your birth, you've done nothing but fight. It's not in your nature to do anything less than go down fighting, and even then, it's hardly a guarantee you will stay down. But here at the last, you say you are ready to lay down your arms? Though…I suppose the setting more than speaks for itself," he finished with a non-committal shrug.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I do not choose the setting in which I come to those I collect. That comes from you alone. For most souls, a cemetery would be a setting of peace, a place for their everlasting rest, but you…this particular cemetery is the sight of your greatest battle," the reaper said, indicating the entire expanse with a grand sweep of his hand. "It is hardly the setting of a mind at peace. Perhaps you say you are ready, but the state of your soul says otherwise."
Dean might have argued, might've said just about anything under the sun to prove his case, except that was the moment the Impala suddenly seemed to appear in the parking lot – and Sam along with it.
"Dean!" he called out to him in near panic.
"Sammy?" Dean called back in confused shock.
His brother shook his head. Dean growled in frustration. "What the hell, Zeke? I'm pretty sure I told you not to do anything stupid! You can't waste that power on me! Sam needs it!" he shouted at him across the distance between them, which already seemed to be a little bit wider than when the angel had first appeared.
"That isn't so. I've informed Sam of my presence and he's consented to it. I have strength enough for this. He just wants to save your life, Dean. Please! I've come to take you back! There is still time!"
Dean didn't actually take a step toward the angel, but something must have indicated to Death that he was going to, because the horseman put a hand on his shoulder, sending a wave of chilling warmth through him. It was a sense of peace – eternal peace.
"No," the reaper whispered in his ear. "Neither creation nor I have more time to give you. You are mine. Rest. Just rest."
"Zeke…Sammy," he called out to them weakly, "I'm tired. I'm so tired. I did what I had to…for Cas. I just wanna rest."
"If I truly believed it was you speaking, I would allow it, but from what I know of you, I cannot believe it. There is still so much good you can do. Please, Dean. With every moment, the gulf widens. Soon neither of us will be able to cross it. We must return now!" he shouted, reaching out a hand to him. Dean wanted to reach out and grab that hand. God, he wanted to, but it was just so far away, and he was so tired.
"Zeke," Dean tried again, practically asleep on his feet, "Sam promised…he'd take care of Cas for me. You're all…gonna be fine."
"Dean!" the angel was so far away now, Dean could barely hear him. "I know what was promised, but it will do no good! You must come back! Castiel will not survive without you!"
"Cas…" he mumbled sleepily, fingers curling, but unable to reach forward.
Somewhere in the distance, he saw Zeke's hand shift, as if to press something toward him instead of take his hand. The angel closed his eyes and tilted his head back and all at once, Dean saw it all in his mind's eye. He saw Zeke kneeling next to his body, working feverishly to bring him back. He could feel Sam at the angel's back, praying to lend strength to his flickering power. And last of all, he saw Cas at his side, clutching a pale hand in his, sobbing openly as Zeke struggled. The angel grunted briefly in pain as the ever-widening gap pushed back against him.
"What's happening? What's wrong?" Cas demanded.
"Death is stubborn. He is unwilling to relinquish what is his."
"Dean…"
"Castiel, you must speak to him."
"What- what do I say?"
"Anything. Just keep him here. Keep him from going. He will hear you. I promise."
"Dean," Cas whispered as he looked down at him again, clutching his hand all the tighter. "You said…that you loved me. You cannot know how long I've wanted to hear those words from your lips…how I've longed to share with you what I feel. I didn't know…that an emotion like this could exist before I knew you. All I knew was devotion to duty, but then I gripped your hand in that darkness. I held you to me and for the first time, I knew light. The stories will always claim that I was the one to shatter the darkness for you, but they'll always have it wrong. It was the other way around. It was you. You brought light to the darkness…and I never had the chance to tell you that. But I'm here with you now, Dean. We're here together. Take my hand now," he pleaded with him, raising his cold hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to each finger. "Come back with us. There's still time. You can't leave me, Dean Winchester, not until I tell you how I feel. So please wake up…wake up…so I can tell you. Please…don't go," he begged, tears flowing freely down his face as he cradled Dean's hand tenderly against his cheek.
"Cas," he exhaled the name on a tremulous breath, then stronger as he felt life flood back into him. "Cas!"
All at once, the distance between them closed and Dean was gripping Ezekiel's hand tightly in his own, anchoring him firmly to life – except Death still had a hold of him.
"I must say," the horseman began, chuckling in a deprecating manner, "you certainly are persistent. I didn't believe for one moment that all the fight had really gone out of you."
"Please," Dean begged quietly, not turning to look back at the reaper for fear he'd just fall right back under his spell. "I have to go back. He needs me. They need me."
"On a personal level, I will say that I find you annoying, Winchester. I don't imagine you will ever accept that you cannot fight Death, as much as I'm of a mind to prove that to you," he said, his grip on him tightening for a moment. But then, slowly – infinitesimally – it began to loosen. "However, from a more practical standpoint, I concede that it may well only be the four of you working together that will be able to undo what has been done. This cannot go on. You should be flattered, Dean. It is not often I have considered someone of enough importance to turn them aside. Go back," he declared, finally relinquishing his hold on the hunter.
Ezekiel wasted no time. He gripped Dean tightly to him as he pulled him back through the Veil, immediately collapsing when the two of them came crashing back to the mortal plane.
Dean's eyes snapped open as air rushed back into his lungs. He blinked several times, head starting to jerk around until his eyes found Cas.
"H- hey," he mumbled breathlessly as he looked up at the former angel. Before he could get anything else out, Cas was suddenly throwing his arms around him, holding him as tightly as he possibly could, even with his broken arm.
"Dean," Cas whispered as he buried his face in the hunter's neck. "You were dead, Dean. You…your heart stopped."
"It's okay," Dean soothed, slowly sitting up, but still keeping a hold of Cas. "It's all right now. I'm here. I'm not goin' anywhere."
"I'm sorry," Cas cried against him, gradually soaking his shirt with tears. "I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me…for what I did to you?"
"Nothin' to forgive," Dean said, tears burning at his own eyes as he clung to the man in his arms. "It wasn't your fault," he finished before pressing a hesitant kiss to the top of Cas' head. And again, almost before he was aware of what was happening, Cas had turned his head up and captured Dean's lips with his own, kissing him deeply. Unlike their first kiss, flavored with the coppery tang of blood, this kiss was flavored with the salt of Cas' tears; and when Cas pulled back from him, he could see they weren't just tears of pain anymore.
Even though tears continued to pour down the former angel's cheeks, his face was split by a relieved smile. After a few moments of just staring into Dean's eyes, a weird sort of laugh began to shake Cas' shoulders.
"You're alive!" Cas cried out, both crying and laughing as he pulled Dean into his arms again. "You came back!"
"Had to," Dean said, running his hands up and down Cas' back. "Seriously, leave you bitches alone for five minutes and look what happens. What would you guys do without me?"
"You're…really okay?" Sam's voice suddenly joined the conversation. Dean looked to the side to see his brother slowly sitting up, a look of worry still on his face.
"Yeah, man. I'm fine. Now get over here before I change my mind."
Sam didn't need to be told twice. He quickly pulled his brother and friend into a gigantic bear hug. "Dammit, Dean!" he swore, voice verging on tears himself. "We really need to stop doing this."
"Y'know, I'm actually good with it," Dean grunted, now at the mercy of two hugs. "It's only gonna be a problem if any of us ever decide not to come back, and that, well…that's just bullshit."
"Perhaps in slightly less vulgar vernacular…yes. That is something I can agree with," Cas said, loosening his hold a little as he rested his head against Dean's chest.
"And thanks, Zeke," Dean called out, "wherever you're hidin' in that thick melon."
"Ah…about that," Sam started as he pulled back from the group hug, running a hand awkwardly through his long hair. "Bit of a funny story…"
XxX
If coming back from the dead were an everyday occurrence, one would imagine one would be advised to rest after the fact – avoid making important decisions, no operating heavy machinery or driving, that sort of thing. For Castiel and the Winchesters, though, it was somewhat of a more commonplace occurrence, and as any one of them would say, there were no rules. No sleeping it off, no keeping the afflicted area elevated, no 'take two and call me in the morning.' No. There was only getting back on your feet and getting back to your life.
As such, Dean would allow no one else to get behind the wheel of the Impala. If that bastard of a horseman had let him go because he needed him to be doing what he did best, ganking assholes and taking names, then that was what he'd do. That started with being on the road in Baby. Sam was riding shotgun, even though he'd tried to convince Cas to take the spot next to Dean. The former angel had insisted it was Sam's place. In the end, it had turned out to work for the best, as Cas had spent most of the drive back to Lebanon passed out over the backseats.
"We sure we wanna do this?" Dean asked as they pulled up to the bunker. "I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take."
"I think it's our best option right now. With the angels still hunting Cas, it's better if he doesn't stay in one place too long. There's no guarantee we can keep him safe here. To be honest, I don't know if he can handle another shakedown like what we just went through. He's…fragile…right now, Dean," Sam pointed out.
"Yeah. I know," he returned quietly, stealing a brief glance over his shoulder at the sleeping man, glad to see him peaceful, even if it was only for a little while. Gadreel had healed the damage from their earlier fight, but Dean knew he'd never really be able to shake the sight of Cas, beaten and bloody. He would never be able to unsee that. Naïve as he could be, Cas had always been strong in Dean's eyes. Now the former angel was the one who needed protecting, and Dean was willing to provide that protection – no matter what. In this case, it meant he and Cas would be going on the road while Sam and Kevin continued to search for some kind of solution to the Metatron problem.
"Besides, who knows? Gadreel might be of some help with all this. Both with the tablet and with keeping Crowley under lockdown," Sam pointed out, reminding him of the demon king they currently had trussed up in their basement.
"Right, and…you're sure you're okay with all this? With Gadreel, I mean," Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at his brother. He was still more than a little miffed that the angel had outright lied to him. "Wouldn't be the first time a dick bag lied to get into somebody's pants."
Sam gave an amused chuckle at that one. "Y'know, I hadn't thought of it like that. I guess you guys didn't really talk the way we did. He didn't lie to be cruel. He did it because he wanted another chance, a chance nobody had been willing to give him. He's on our team now, for better or worse."
Dean might have said more about the angel playing house in Sam's head, but if Sam was really okay with it all and wasn't pissed about the how of how he and Gadreel had saved his life, he certainly wasn't going to press too hard. Plus, that was the moment he heard Cas begin to stir in the back. When he looked over his shoulder again, it was to see Cas blinking sleepily up at him.
"Dean," the former angel mumbled, voice even gruffer with sleep as he reached a hand out for him. Dean reached his own hand back to take Cas', smiling reassuringly.
"Mornin', Sleeping Beauty. Sleep well?"
For a moment, a disquiet look settled on Cas' face – almost as if the words had triggered something. Whatever it might have been, though, he managed to shake it off with yet another dazed mumble. "It isn't- morning yet," he said haltingly.
Dean shook his head with a small laugh. "No. It's just one of those things people say. Did you get in a good nap back there?"
"Yes," he answered, briefly squeezing Dean's hand and smiling tiredly up at him. "Waking up this time was- infinitely better than last time."
"Good to know."
"Well, I think I'm gonna go ahead and head down," Sam suddenly said, unbuckling and opening the car door. "You guys gonna stop in before you take off? Maybe get something to eat?"
"Probably. You go ahead. We'll be down in a little bit," Dean said.
"Right. It's good to have you back, Cas," Sam said before climbing out of the Impala and heading down to the bunker door.
"So what do you think of this Gadreel bastard?" Dean asked Cas as he slowly sat up in the backseat, keeping hold of Dean's hand all the while.
"I am…uncertain. Under normal circumstances, I would not be inclined to trust him, but…I owe him a debt that can never be repaid. He brought you back to me."
"Yeah," Dean agreed with a sigh. "Kinda hard to argue with the guy who brought you back from the dead."
"You do," Cas pointed out. "On several occasions I could name, you've argued with me."
"Well, that's different. You're a special case. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to get some food in me before we start on our epic road trip, so we-"
"Dean," Cas interrupted before the hunter could let go of his hand. "I want to say something."
Dean looked back at the angel with worry, afraid of the direction this conversation could go. "You sure you wanna talk about it tonight? I mean, we just got out of a major shit show back there."
Cas nodded, holding his hand and his gaze firmly. "Now. If I do not speak these words tonight…I fear I never will again. I wanted to tell you how I feel, and that- creature…stole my words from me."
"Cas, you don't- you don't have to say anything. I know none of that was your fault," Dean tried to reassure him.
"It isn't- it's not that. Just let me finish this," Cas pleaded, to which Dean just nodded, letting him know he wasn't going to interrupt again. "I said…that I knew from the start. That's true. I don't think it's- completely true that it just took me a long time to figure it out. I understood when I first regained my memory following the leviathan incident. I understood why I had risked so much in the bid for Purgatory. I wanted to keep you safe…from my brothers…from Heaven, but it was only when I saw what I had done in my God state that I understood- what I could do to you…the harm I could cause. Too easily I could destroy the one thing I wanted to protect. That was why I ran from you, why I ignored the love blossoming in your heart, why I was going to return to Heaven and remove myself from your life. Like you, I…I didn't want to see you destroyed because of me…and it ended up happening anyway. I was such a fool," Cas said, tears beginning to slip from his eyes again as he pulled Dean's hand to his lips. Dean watched, half in confusion and half in amazement, as the former angel pressed a loving kiss to the palm of his hand. He did this several more times before continuing.
"Maybe…things could have been different if I'd come to you before…if I'd told you how I felt then, but we can never know. It doesn't matter. Without my grace, earthbound as I am, I see that all we have is now. So right now, with no mind to the sins of the past or hope for a better future, I just want to say…that I love you, Dean. With everything I am, whatever that may be, I love you."
Dean wasn't really sure who initiated the kiss, or when exactly it was that he'd crawled over the seat to end up in the back with Cas, but both felt so natural, he couldn't be certain they'd ever not just been facts of existence. He'd wanted this too long to question any of it, so when Cas pushed his jacket from his shoulders, he pulled the former angel onto his lap and covered his mouth with his own in earnest, trying to get several years' worth of kisses into just a few moments.
"Dean," Cas groaned after a couple minutes of this intense making out, "I…I want you…to make love to me," he gasped out, reaching for the hem of the hunter's shirt.
"Hey, you- you sure?" Dean asked him, reaching for his hands to slow him down a little. He tangled his fingers together with Cas' as he looked into his eyes, searching for any signs of uncertainty, but there was nothing that he could see. "You went through something serious yesterday. I don't want you to feel like you have to-"
"I'm sure, Dean. I almost lost you and I…I just don't want to let this night go. But…if you'd rather not-" he started hesitantly.
"Oh, no. Hell no. Don't be thinkin' anything like that," Dean interrupted before he could say anything else, unable to stand that kicked puppy look on Cas' face. "You don't even know how long I've wanted to make those angel wings flap. I just want you to be sure. People treat it like it's not a big deal. It is," he said, reaching forward to gently stroke the other man's face.
"I know, but you don't have to worry. I want this," Cas reassured him, smiling as he briefly turned his head to the side to press another kiss to Dean's palm. "Besides, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't often fantasized about being taken on the backseat of this car."
"Well, then…your wish is my command," Dean said quietly after several moments, leaning forward to undo the buttons on Cas' shirt, and with every button, he pressed a kiss to the bared skin beneath. Each time, Cas let out a soft gasp at the sensation, and every sound went straight to Dean's groin, making him harder by the minute. By the time he reached Cas' belt buckle, it was pretty obvious the other man was reacting just as fiercely. When Dean drew himself back up to slip the shirt from Cas' body, he took a moment to lean in and kiss the underside of the man's jaw, unable to help grinning at the feel of the stubble there. It wasn't a sensation he was used to, but because it was Cas, he found it was yet another turn on.
Castiel, for his part, had never experienced anything quite like this. He knew he would easily forget his time with the siren after tonight, but even if he couldn't, that first exposure hadn't been anything like what he was experiencing now. The siren had played on darker fantasies, things he'd hardly dared to consider in his conscious mind. This intimacy he was experiencing with Dean, it was tender and loving, almost exultant in its nature. He could feel Dean's care for him in every touch, every kiss, every press of skin against skin, and he did his best to return that adoration with each touch of his own. He wanted Dean to know how happy he was every moment they were together.
Dean knew. Cas was an open book, always had been, and he could see the joy in the other man's eyes every time he looked into them – now that he could look, didn't have to be afraid of what he might see. Every chance he had, he looked into those eyes, kissed them, felt how happy he could make the other man. This wasn't just a onetime thing. It was forever.
The hunter knew that most people didn't think about the fundamental discomfort of getting it on in the backseat of a car. Mostly they just thought about how sexy it sounded. It wasn't as if the situation was one thing or the other, though. There were moments of both – the awkwardness of getting their clothing all the way off in the confined space combined with the absolute turn on Dean experienced every time Cas gasped or called out his name. The point was that it ultimately wasn't awkward. All that filled Dean's head by the time he'd gotten Cas laid out naked over the backseat was the sight of his smile, the radiance in his eyes, and the easy sound of his laugh mixed with his small noises of desire.
Cas didn't last long once they'd started moving together. It took Dean only a few thrusts between his thighs before he was half-screaming, crying out at the intensity of the sensation as the orgasm broke over him in sudden waves. Dean grunted at the slick feel of Cas' release pulsing between their bodies. As he continued to move, Cas clung to him, panting and near whimpering at each new feeling of pleasure.
It didn't take Dean all that much longer to come. Just a few more minutes of thrusting and he was right up there with Cas, giving a prolonged moan as he spilled between the former angel's legs.
Neither man was really aware of just how long they lay like that, tangled up in each other and trying to remember how to breathe, but when Dean finally managed it, he lifted his head a little and dropped a kiss on the top of Cas' head.
"How we doin'?"
"It was…a revelation," was the only word Cas could pull from his sex-addled mind as he cuddled even closer against Dean.
"Heh, I'll take it. Guess you're finally not gonna die a virgin, angel wings."
Cas shook his head. "I'm no angel. Not anymore."
Dean shrugged before trailing a line of kisses along Cas' ear. "Doesn't matter. You're always gonna be my angel," he said before drawing Cas into another kiss, feeling the other man sigh in contentment.
Dean knew they weren't going to make it inside, so he just reached for his discarded jacket and pulled it over them so they wouldn't be too exposed while they slept. As always, he knew the fight was only ever half done, but that didn't seem to matter so much right now. He didn't know what the future of the world should be, and just then he didn't care.
Cas felt very much the same. He knew there was much he had to atone for, much he still had to do, but as he lay in Dean's arms, he knew a few moments of peace and redemption. He was now made up of the fragile elements that composed a human body, but with Dean's love, he was immortal – undying in a way he never had been as an angel.
The world would go on spinning, go on having its problems, but none of it mattered while Castiel and Dean Winchester slept in each other's arms.
XxX
(A/N) So, yeah, there's that. What'd y'all think? Any good? Too melodramatic? Loved it, hated it, meh'd it? Let me know what ye thought.
