Welcome back friends. If interested in a song or two for this chapter I recommend Unlove you Jennifer Nettles, Back to You Selena Gomez, and Beautiful Lies by Jana Kramer.


"I ran away because I was a terrible human being." He started sitting up and leaning into my headboard. I did the same and mirrored his position. "I knew after what happened with that girl I was no good for you. I had to leave. If I could allow that to happen, then I wanted to be far away so I couldn't hurt you anymore." He paused briefly, but I choose not to respond, staring straight ahead waiting for him to continue.

"I prayed you would forget about me. That was an obvious waste of time. Bella, I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I should have never gotten involved with you. I only destroyed you further." He said looking down at the bed.

I could no longer stay silent. "Edward, you helped me. You saved me. Without you I would have been more of a wreck! I need you, I needed you. I chose to be with you. Why were you so insistent on taking that choice away from me? Do you not trust me?" I argued.

"I don't trust you Bella. Not to pick what is good for you. Why else would you cling to me?" He said.

"I get to decide what is good for me. I should be able to make my own decisions. I am an adult! I am capable of making an educated decision about my life." I said, glaring at him. My fists were clenched, and my heart was racing. I wanted to hit him, but underneath the rage I was questioning myself.

"That's not what I meant Bella, I don't want to be with you. I don't want your hurt to be on my shoulders. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you because of me." He said, almost patronizing me.

"You are so confusing, Edward! You are a walking contradiction. You don't want to be with me, yet you seek me out. Every time I turn around you are seeking me out. You don't want to hurt me, yet you constantly reject me. I need to know where I stand!" I cried, feeling my emotions start to escape their box. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, placing everything back where it belonged. Getting emotional wasn't helping my case, normally when I showed emotion he would pull away and we would go back into this dance where we stamped on each other's toes.

"Let's not talk about this now. You don't seem like you are in a place to talk about it." He said, causing me to roll my eyes. He was making decisions for me again.

I was ready to understand more, but instead of standing up for myself, I nodded. Why couldn't I assert myself to him? I felt myself begin to crumble. How could he still have so much power over me? We weren't even together. I moved to the side of the bed, and went to stand up, hoping to distance myself from the situation.

"Bella, where's Victoria?" He asked, the words hitting me like bullets. How dare he?

"Ask your father," I hissed as I stormed out of my bedroom, slamming the door as I left.

I composed myself as I walked down the stairs, finally reorienting myself to the reality of Jasper's loss, now wasn't the time for me to draw others into my drama. I was never as close to Jasper as Emmett or Alice, but his loss would still affect me. He was one of the few who was able to help me identify my emotions before they overwhelmed me. After he finished his term, he was planning on becoming a counselor. He had his life planned out, and in the end it was worthless.

I entered the living room and could feel the heaviness of emotion. Alice was laying on the couch, lightly stroking the shag rug that covered the floor. I breathed in the scent of homemade lasagna as I noticed Esme in the kitchen. Carlisle looked up from his reading and gave me a small smile as he looked up from his reading. I went to sit at the opposite end of the couch from Alice. "Emmet and Rosalie will be here tomorrow." I nodded, not knowing what to say in response.

Emmet was very much a big brother to me. His incessant teasing combined with his bear like protection over me caused us to develop the relationship. I felt comfortable around Emmett. I knew that he wouldn't harm me, and he always found a way to bring a smile to my face. Contrary, his wife caused me to see everything wrong with me. Her perfect body, and astounding confidence often caused me to question myself. She never did anything that directly caused me to feel inferior, it was more her presence that caused the feelings within me. Rosalie and I never got the chance to bond, mainly because I felt self-conscious. How could a beauty like her want anything to do with me?

Edward's footsteps drew me from my musings, and I looked determinedly away from him. I didn't want to be anywhere near this person who felt that it was his job to decide who and what I needed. I tried to push the feelings of rejection and inferiority aside, but they wouldn't go away. I hoped that something would distract me from the feelings and my hyper-focus on Edward.

"Edward, can you call Charlie and invite him and Jake to dinner?" Esme asked when she saw him. At least Jake will distract me, I thought. I picked up a magazine and once I started to page through it, realized that it was a medical journal. I looked up and saw Edward give me a smirk.

I huffed and dropped the journal back on the table and turned to look at Alice. For the first time in our relationship, all of her life seemed to be gone. Alice and Jasper were so in tune with each other it was if they could read each other's thoughts. They met when he was a senior at Port Angeles High School and she was a sophomore. They met when he came into the diner where Alice was designing her first dress. "Howdy, miss." He said when he saw her, and she responded with "Well you sure kept me waiting cowboy." Jasper stuttered and they exchanged information.

They started dating at Alice's prom. She refused to ask someone, saying that the right guy will show up at the right moment. Jasper arrived the night of prom just as Alice was walking down the stairs in a tux, with a limo in the driveway. Jasper stated that he knew he had to be there for her special night. Alice says that's when she knew he was the one, especially when his tie matched her dress. He had joined the military at that point, and even though he was living overseas, they were determined to keep their relationship strong through his times of leave from work and video chats. Through the years of rarely seeing each other, times where the phone calls couldn't come, and uncertainty that came from loving a soldier, Alice never failed at remaining loyal. She clung to him and their future, and he did the same.

"He's not coming back." She said sitting up.

"I'm sorry." I told her with as much compassion as I could muster.

"He said he'd come back." She cried, moving to lay in my lap. I began to stroke her short black hair. "How can he be gone? I waited for him, where do I go from here."

Not knowing what to say I remained silent. Her loss was so much different from mine. I looked over to Edward who looked uncomfortable with the emotion. He never got to know Jasper. I'm sure it felt awkward for him, his sister grieving a man he had never met. "Alice, remember the good times." Carlisle said, looking up from his book.

Alice nodded from my lap, and the tears came again.

We sat that way until a knock came to the door. Edward let in Charlie and Jacob. Charlie looked like he had been crying. Out of all the younger Cullen's, Charlie was closest to Jasper, sometimes calling him his almost son. Jasper had lost his parents when he was young, and he grew up in the foster care system. Charlie, upon meeting him, stepped into the role of a father. They spoke on a weekly basis, and Charlie was the first one that Jasper told about the ring he had bought for Alice.

I mentally kicked myself for not being there for my dad. He needed me. I shifted and Alice sat up, moving to sit cross legged at her end of the couch. "Dad, I'm sorry." I told him, willing the shame to not overwhelm me. I shoved the shame into my box as well. It seemed like my box was now the place for everything that wasn't happiness.

"Bells, no. It's fine Jake was here with me." He responded.

My breakdown felt days away at this point, so much had happened since I woke up. It felt like life was racing by, with me not having control over anything. I was happy that I had found a way to stay present, instead of locked inside my own head. I moved to the kitchen, and silently asked Esme if she needed my help with anything. She motioned her head to the table, and I began to set it. Jacob quickly joined me, giving me a smile though I could tell he was hurting too.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey to you," he responded grinning. "We haven't had a chance to chat yet."

"I guess not." I shrugged pretending that all the bad stuff didn't exist, and I was with my male best friend again.

"After dinner?" He asked.

"It's a date," Jake chuckled, drawing a glare from Edward. Well if he didn't want me, he couldn't stop someone else from showing interest. I smiled at Jake and finished my task.

I looked around, Edward was still glaring at me and Jake, Charlie and Carlisle were in a quiet conversation, Esme was pulling dinner from the oven, and Alice was looking forlorn on the couch. I chose to return next to Alice while Jacob finished helping Esme. The house felt lifeless with how morose all the family members were feeling. I saw Jacob set down the garlic bread and everyone went to the table without being called. We all took our seats without speaking. It seemed that no one knew what to say. I could Jacob wanted to say something but kept quiet, probably because he didn't know how to act in the family, being somewhat of an outsider. After a few minutes of wrestling with himself he finally spoke, "Jasper became my closest friend. He looked out for me. You guys don't have to hide your grief for my benefit."

Everyone gave him a small smile but were lost in their own thoughts. I wanted to start a conversation, but I couldn't find anything to talk about, so I kept quiet, maybe everyone else was in the same boat. The clattering of utensils was getting close to a breaking point, as everyone was shifting uncomfortably.

"Where's Victoria?" Edward asked, breaking the silence.

"Took you long enough," grumbled Alice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Countered Edward, gritting his teeth, glaring at his sister over the salad bowl.

"It means that it took hours after I asked her to leave for you notice she was gone and ask why." Carlisle spoke.

Edward paled and checked his phone. "I asked Bella earlier," he stated defensively as he began furiously typing away on his phone that had miraculously appeared. "What happened?" He hissed.

"She was insensitive towards Alice's loss. We all felt put off by her lack of remorse at the insensitivity and felt it was better to have her leave the home while emotions were heightened." Carlisle spoke trying to catch Edward's eye. "I feel we need to talk later about your relationship with Bella."

Edward stood up, and glared at Carlisle as he left "Excuse me." He exited the room, presumably to call his girlfriend. The lid on my box rattled, and I threw another nail in the lid. My breathing returned to normal and my hands relaxed. Why did he have such hold over me?

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I paid special attention to Edward's empty seat, hoping to hear his voice. When it didn't come I looked down disgruntled. I wanted to hear what he was saying to her. I wanted to know I still had a chance. That sounded crazy though. He didn't want me. I blinked back tears, pulling myself together. I noticed Carlisle staring at me. I shook my head, letting him know I didn't want to talk about it. Carlisle cared so deeply for me, though Edward was his son. I didn't want to put him in the position where he had to choose between us.

As we were standing, Edward entered the room. "We decided to take a break for a few weeks." He stated simply taking his seat again, trying to catch my eye. I looked towards Jacob, "You ready?" I asked him. He nodded and we headed up towards my room with me. On the way up the stairs, I tried not to give a smirk towards Edward.

I led Jake to my room, contemplating taking his hand. In the weeks after Edward left, we would often sit on the beach holding hands, not saying anything. His hand felt like a home I longed to run back to. I wanted to lean into his warm embrace, but for some reason I felt conflicted. I didn't want to use him for comfort when he was hurting so bad. I didn't want to be the person who leeched off of others. When we got to my room, we took the same positions Edward and I had earlier. The atmosphere of the room was warmer, more engaging than it had been with the previous guest. Jake, seeming to read my hesitation for physical comfort, pulled me to his side, allowing his warmth to fill me. I relaxed into him, remembering how much I loved this man, and wishing how we could have been together. If only Edward hadn't have stolen my soul.

I tried so hard after he left. I tried to love Jake in the same way. I wanted so badly to be his. It seemed my heart was too damaged to allow for such things though. The more I tried to lean into a relationship with my best friend, the more my mind would compare him to Edward. I finally gave up trying to make romance happen after we shared kiss on a double date. The was no electricity, nothing to hold us together. It was empty. After the kiss Jacob stopped pursuing me as a romantic interest finally recognizing what I already knew, my heart belong to someone else. After he gave up pursuing me, we fell into this easy sort of friendship. It lasted for half of the four years of Edward's departure, until of course he left too.

Jacob joined the army about a year and a half ago. He joined without much of an explanation, and I felt confused by the decision, and blamed myself for his choice. In the past he often spoke of how he felt the government and military were why his people didn't have their land. He was angry 'at the white man' as he called it. He signed when Billy died with little explanation beyond 'I have to do this.' I knew that he would eventually explain to me why he choose the path he did. I think that was the biggest difference between Jacob and Edward, Jacob always explained things to me, whereas Edward always infantilized me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"So much Bells. I don't know where to begin." He said, smiling down at me. At his smile I was struck by how natural we were. There were no feelings of inferiority, nothing causing me to question my value, it was just him and I. I tried again to bring up lust and passion towards him, but of course it fell flat, I simply wasn't affected by him the same way I was Edward. I shoved my disappointment into my box so that it wouldn't cloud our conversation.

"How about with why you left." I prompted.

"I made the decision the day dad died. I realized that I would be able to offer so little to the tribe as a mechanic. While I would be able to fix their cars, I wouldn't be able to help them on a more personal level. Dad struggled with poor health decisions, and so many of the other tribe members struggle with depression and drug use. I felt that joining the military was the best way for me to get the funds for school. You know my grades weren't great," I nodded for him to continue, amazed by how much he had grown in a short span of time. I was so proud of him. "I learned though, after that scholarships were still there for me, even without the best grades." Jacob scowled as he took a break from speaking, causing me to reflect on what he had just said.

He wanted to go to school? He was a hero and he couldn't see it, warm affection filled me. "What do you want to study?" I asked smiling at him.

"Psychology. I want to be a psychologist." He told he, challenging me with his eyes.

"That's great Jake!" I exclaimed, feeling that his career path was necessary and he could change his corner of the world.

"Yeah, well." He blushed smiling. "I should have asked more questions before joining, I struggled to fit in, and Jasper ended up being a huge help. We bonded over our mutual career goals." I noticed how sad he looked at mentioning this.

"You were close." I stated.

"Like brothers. We become closer than most of the guys. I can't believe he's gone." He stated, trying to control his emotions. I squeezed his thigh, but I felt him tense at the contact. I pulled my hand back confused. "Bells, this is hard to say, please don't take it the wrong way." I gulped.

"I have romantic feelings for you, still," my heart sank and I moved to pull away. He offered resistance so I stayed, letting my confusion show. I felt the box rattle. I chose to ignore the rattling. "When you touch my thigh, I can't help but want to kiss you. When we are like this, I can keep the wolf inside, but when you break the norm," he sighed looking sad, "it comes out, and all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you, breath in your scent, to hold you against me and not have you pull away."

I felt a brief rush of desire at his words, before shutting it down in confusion. I thought we were done? He never let me go? How could one sentence cause me to feel a rush of something that was normally reserved for Edward. "Ok." I said simply feeling that Jake wanted a response.

"I won't force anything, but if you change your mind Bella, please tell me. Until then, I will be working to get over you," he smiled. I reciprocated sadly. "Anyway, I am on desk duty in Port Angeles until they figure out what to do with me. Since I can't fight my response to seeing my brother die, I am no good for combat anymore. I am lucky they allowed me to return here, small miracles I guess."

I smiled at him. Glad he was back. Things were so much more difficult away from him, as he was able to help me see the good in life, and put me back together. Having him back was sure to be a healing experience for me. We sat in silence for a little while longer, not feeling the need to say anything further. Though I questioned, did I need someone to put me back together.

I snuggled closer to him, when I heard a light knock on the door. "Come in," I called without asking who it was.

Edward walked into the room, causing me to startle. I held myself back from jumping away from Jake. In the past I would have, however I wanted to make Edward jealous. I wanted to show him just how desirable I was. This acknowledgement caused me to feel ashamed at my use of Jacob. I opted to push those feelings aside and glare at my ex. "What's this?" He hissed.

Jacob moved away from me, seemingly not wanting to get involved in a fight. "Friends comforting each other. I'll talk to you later Bell." He said as he got up. He glared at Edward as he left the room. With Jake gone my emotions threatened to overwhelm me. I felt the drive to touch Edward to hold him close. It was so much stronger than it was with Jacob. With Jake it was natural, easy, controllable. With Edward walking towards my bed, the lust threatened to over take me. I was so confused at my response. Just hours earlier I wanted to hit him, and now I want to sleep with him. "I see you moved on." He told me snarkily. His scent invading my olfactory glands.

"Better get your eyes checked." I responded, looking for something to distract me. Finding nothing, I met his eyes, and felt my wall of anger melt. I scrambled to feel anything but love and loss. Why didn't this man want me?

"I didn't come here to fight." He replied quietly. "I am sorry." He gave me the crocked smile that cause my anger to begin to melt away.

"Then why did you come?" I asked.

"I am confused." I nodded at him to continue. "I still love you Bella, I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. I just know that I will hurt you. I can't seem to stay away."

I thought about he said. I wanted to kick him out. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to say goodbye to him, but the words from my mouth came straight from my heart, "Come here."

He sat down next to me on the bed, placing his hands behind his head as he leaned against the headboard. "I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do."

I gave into impulse for a moment and placed a hand on his knee, he tensed much like Jacob did. I felt a rush of desire course through my body. I shook it off as I looked in his eye, "Don't think."

His lips were on mine in the next moment, stealing the breath from my lungs. His hand tangled in my hair and his other arm wrapped behind my back, pulling me tightly against his body. Our tongues danced as I wrapped my arms tightly around him, closing any distance between us as the lust overtook me.

Edward suddenly pulled away, "That was inappropriate." He sighed and moved to leave the room.

"Stay." I called to his back.

He paused for a moment. "I am not in control right now." He then left the room, shutting the door behind him.

As soon as the door shut, I picked up a pillow and screamed into it. He was so infuriating. Every conversation with him either left me wanting more or emotionally destroyed. I knew he was no good, but why did I still keep running back to him for more?

I thought on my self-proposed question and realized the reason why I kept coming back was for those moments when he held or kissed me. Those sweet moments where he told me what I wanted to hear, that he loved me. In those moments all my pain disappeared and I could forget all the bad that had happened to me in my life. Jake gave me courage to face the pain, Edward took it away completely. Isn't morphine preferred in the moment? Isnt it better than physical therapy? I thought to myself as I turned off the light and got under the covers. Everyone wants the drug that numbs the pain, its easier than actually dealing with the pain.


After editing this chapter I realized how easily I could turn this into a Bella/ Jake story. I may do that after I finish this one. I want to give Bella and Edward a shot at a healthy relationship, I just have to destroy them a little more first. I am typing up chapter 8ish right now, and wow it's a dozy. This tale is about to get dark, really dark. I hope you stay along for the ride because there is beauty to come. Thanks for reading! Nikki