This chapter is a bit (ok, quite a bit) on the long side, but it fills you in on Tony, and what he became after he left NCIS. BTW, thanks for the reviews. Enjoy!


She would not answer any of my questions about you or Tali, and only said to go to you. And here I am."


There was silence for a full minute as Tony contemplated what Ziva told him. He wasn't happy about it. He missed years of life that they could have had together, and his little daughter. Yet the bastards never slept, and he would much rather have her in his arms now than to lose her later because of them. He gently took her chin and had her look into his eyes. The smile he graced her with took her breath away. He opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. Instead, he slowly lowered his mouth over hers. Her breath hitched as he kissed her: softly, gently, caressing her lips with his. Hot lightning poured through her at his kiss. Holy crap. I forgot what it was like to kiss him.

They pulled apart slowly, and he smiled that gentle, loving smile at her. "Ziva." He purred her name, and she shivered in pleasure at the sound. He grinned at her reaction. "I forgot what it was like kissing you. I guess four years makes it that much better." She returned his smile. Tony realized that she had changed, substantially. She still had a passion for life (and for love), as it showed in her eyes, but she was much gentler and softer. More feminine. He knew she could still break him apart with her bare hands, but he was thrilled at this softer side of her that had grown since she left. He kissed her again, slowly, enjoying the feel of her again against his lips. When they pulled apart again, they both sighed in pleasure. Then she looked at him and saw he changed too. Normally he would have tried to push her into bed to show how much he loved her, which was plainly seen in his kiss. He still had that passion for her, showing clearly in his kiss and the darkening of his eyes, but it was gentler, and more refined. Where had that change come from?

"Tony?"

"Hmm?"

"What about you?"

Tony sighed and let her go to sit back. He stood and went to make coffee for them both, speaking as he went. "It's a long story Ziva. Gosh, I love saying your name again." He smiled. "Let me get some coffee and I'll tell you." In a couple of minutes they both had coffee in their hands, and Tony began.

"I had to leave you at the tarmac. I meant everything I said, everything I did. I loved you so much, and it broke me to leave you. I threw myself into my work. It was all I could think to do. I hoped you would return...but never truly thought you would. You blamed yourself for too much, and wouldn't let those who loved you help." She flinched at the blunt assessment, and he hugged her. "Gotta be honest with you, Zi. You were a mess. Seem to be better now, I hope." He winked, then grew serious again. He took a deep breath. "Gosh Ziva, I missed you more than you could imagine. Abby, McGee, Ducky, Palmer… even Gibbs, tried to help in their own way. I think it scared Gibbs how much it broke me, but he knew I needed work, not time alone. After a year, they figured I needed to move on and start seeing people. I went on a few dates, but none of them were what I was looking for." He looked at her. "They weren't you. Abby even tried setting me up with people. I'm sure you would see where that would go." He chuckled, and took a deep drink of coffee. Ziva smiled a little, more at the first time that she had heard him laugh in 4 years than the thought of Tony seeing other women.

"I started to drink. Not the best moment of my life. Gibbs even got to the point where he threatened to fire me unless I pulled myself together. And so, since NCIS was all I had left, I stopped drinking and put on a 'DiNozzo mask'. I lived a shallow life, trying to show that I was ok so those I cared about wouldn't worry. It worked too, I suppose. Except for Gibbs. He saw straight through it, as you would expect. He started becoming even more of a father figure for me, until I was almost calling him 'dad'. There were a lot of talks with Gibbs in his basement. The new agent, Bishop, did everything she could to help, but we were never as good of coworkers as you and I." He shrugged. "Couldn't live well without you, I guess." This time he flashed her a smile thinking back to her rescue and taking a drink. Then his eyes grew dark and sad.

"Then...two years ago today...was the darkest day of my life." He turned to her after taking another gulp of coffee.

"They told me you were dead. Killed by Kort." Tony took a long shakey breath, and Ziva saw tears in his eyes. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He smiled slightly at her. "I still have nightmares of that day. When I found you were gone. Permanently. I wake up screaming at times, seeing you die in my dreams."

Tony took another deep breath. "If leaving you broke me, news of your murder shattered me. I just wanted to kill Kort, and then die someway myself. Just take more chances at work was the main thought, and if that didn't work, take matters into my own hands. Then," Tony smiled slightly, "there was a little voice that said 'abba'." Tony smiled more broadly thinking about her, "My little daughter Tali. She needed me. After we took down Kort, I left NCIS."

"What?!" Ziva said. "You left?!"

"Yes Zi. I left. NCIS is not safe. Tali needed me since her mom died. I was the last one she had. So I had to stay, and stay well. I couldn't let down another woman who needed me."

"Tony, you did not let me down-" He put his mug down and interrupted her, gently but firmly.

"Yes Zi, I did. You needed me, and I didn't bite the bullet and stay for you. To stay even if you didn't know you needed me. To fight for what you needed. To protect and defend you when you weren't able to face whatever life was throwing at you. When you were weak, I needed to be strong. To be your shield. That's what a man does for his beloved, and I didn't know that fully yet. I thought I was being strong by leaving. Yet you needed me, and I took the easier out." He took another drink. She stared at him, astonished at what he said. She had never heard that before, but it resonated deep within her.

"Your coffee will be cold if you don't start drinking it soon." He said with a DiNozzo smirk. She took a drink and found it was getting a little cool.

"Something never seemed right though. I felt like you were still alive. Like Somalia. I ran through so many different facts that didn't make sense. No body in the house. Somehow you were on the opposite side of the house from Tali? Not likely. Tali's stuff didn't smell like smoke. Her dog was somehow in a go-bag, even though it was her favorite? And the picture of Paris? How would that have gotten in there? The more I saw the more I was sure you were alive." She stared at him. Was she really that obvious?

Tony looked at her and saw her confusion. He laughed, "Left a damn good trail for me to follow by accident, Zi." He grew more serious. "I took Tali and went to Tel Aviv to question Orli. She didn't have answers to my questions, but seemed very sincere that you were, in fact, dead. I doubted her, since she is Mossad." He grinned. "They lie like a rug." Ziva looked at him questioningly. "They lie all the time, Zi." His face fell, and she saw a sadness in his eyes that she couldn't believe as he relived his trip.

"We went to Paris afterwards for a week. I thought we would find you. I kept waiting for a movie-like scene, where Tali would suddenly scream 'Ima', and run into your arms. I went to all our favorite haunts, to the hotel where we stayed. That was hard, knowing that was where we...really were first intimate. We didn't find you." Tears rolled down his cheeks as he saw it again. "We went to Berlin for a week. I was hoping, grasping at straws. You weren't there. We went back to Paris for another week. Then, I finally realized the truth. You were dead, and it was, in fact, simply an extremely odd coincidence. You wouldn't stay away from Tali, especially since Orli would have told you that Kort was dead. But you were gone..." She realized that he was living this moment again, all of the sorrow and pain, and she didn't want him to hurt. She took his face in her hands and made him look at her.

"Anthony, I am here now. I am not leaving. I love you too much." She stood up, lifting him to his feet, and held him close, pushing her body as close to his as she could. "See? Too physical to be a ghost." She ran her hands up and down his back for a few seconds. "Come back to the present, Anthony." He took a shaky breath.

"Sorry Zi. Never talked about that with anyone before." He hugged her tightly, then sat back down, pulling her onto the couch again. "Gibbs didn't talk to me for a couple of months after I got back without you. I don't think he believed that you were dead either. I didn't know what the reason was. He might have blamed me for not bringing his daughter home. I had the best chance of finding you, especially since there was so much between us, and that doesn't even include Tali. He may have also not wanted to see me since you and I were always inseparable. Couldn't see me without seeing you. Turned out it was both." He took another mouthful of coffee.

"I would have fallen to pieces if it weren't for Tali. I would have turned to drinking, sex, and likely wouldn't be alive today if not for her. She needed me though, so I poured everything out for her, going and getting an engineering degree, picking up a job." He grinned at her shocked face. "Yes, my Zee-vah, I'm an engineer now," he drawled, and she grinned at his pronunciation of her name. "Worked like hell to get it, somehow finishing in 1.5 years. Apparently, some of my time in NCIS counted for some of the gen-ed credits. Senior looked after her during the day. She brought him and I together closer too, so I have her to thank for that." He finished his coffee and rose. "Another?" He asked her. She finished hers and nodded. He set to work making more.

"But I was missing something deep in my heart. I remembered Ducky saying that religions could be helpful, so I started poking around. When I was introduced to Catholicism, I was intrigued. After studying more, I found that it made sense logically, and finally opened my heart to God. It was then that I realized it had moved beyond 'I need a crutch' to 'this is true and I love it'."

"Six months later and I was baptized with Tali, and confirmed. I continued teaching her and learning about the Hebrew people so that neither of us would lose that. I strove to learn as much Hebrew as I could to teach her. Unfortunately, I haven't learned too much. It helped me to come to a greater understanding of how Catholicism is simply the continuation of Judaism." He saw her confusion, and waved it away. "I'll tell you more about it later. But I have found a new joy, a home in Christ." Tony looked over at the crucifix on the wall that she hadn't noticed. "I could finally start to heal."

She saw the joy in his eyes, and wondered at it. Tony, a practicing Catholic. It blew her mind. But it explained the change that she saw in him. And the crucifix on the wall. And the painting of the Virgin Mary on the other wall. He was still definitely Tony, but...different. Self-giving to the point of insanity, as many thought. He filled their cups again and sat back on the couch.

"It's in Catholicism that I learned true masculinity. It's not the size of your dick, nor that you never cry, nor that you can beat up the most people. It's your willingness to fight for the right without question or pause. To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause." He grinned at her confused face again. "Don Quixote reference. Look it up. It's about serving others completely. Giving yourself up for them. I realized why I was so drawn to serve Tali and give everything for her. Why I wanted to for you." He stroked her cheek, and tears filled her eyes.

"I'm not perfect at it Ziva. But it's ingrained in my very being. I need to serve those I love." He took another drink and looked at her. "I lived the last year and a half trying to deal with the pain of losing you in this way; in serving those I can, and those I am responsible for. Father Danielson, who was here tonight incidentally, helped me to see this, and to cope with your loss. You'll have to meet him soon, cause he's awesome. The crew helped me too. I still keep in close contact with them. And so I sit here in my house, now recovering from the greatest, and I mean that in both ways, shock of my life." He stopped and put his mug down and looked deep in her eyes for a few seconds. "I never thought I would look into your eyes or hold you again." He pulled her tightly against himself and kissed her softly. When they pulled apart, he gently wiped away the tears falling from her eyes.

"I have always loved you Ziva. I love you with my whole heart."

"I love you too. My dearest Anthony."


I know it's hard to believe that their feelings would be the same after 4 years of separation, but for the sake of not writing a 200k word story, please suspend disbelief and roll with it. Thanks for your cooperation ;).