Thanks again to my beta Bruised Reed.
Sam goes to answer her door. She should probably care that she's in a bathrobe, but she doesn't. She figures it's one of her teammates, or Janet who have been checking up on her periodically. She's holding and feeding Katie as she pulls the door open with one hand.
"Pete," she says in surprise. She knew she should have told him, but it had only been two days. She hadn't begun to think of the right words to say yet.
"Sam," he says brightly, "You babysitting?"
"I'm sorry, Pete, I didn't know you were coming," she says looking down at her bathroom.
"Yeah, I didn't know you were back from your mission. I just saw your car in, and you always look great," he says giving her a quick kiss and coming into the house.
"Cute kid, whose is it?" he asks.
"Mine," she says.
He laughs. Then his eyes grow big. "You're adopting?" he says, and he's smiling.
"No," she says.
He tilts his head at her, "Sam, you weren't pregnant," he says really confused.
"No, and you don't have clearance to know this, but I don't really care. Sit down," she says sitting down and rocking the baby to sleep.
"Her name is Katie, Catherine Dorothy," she amends.
"And she's yours?" Pete asks.
"My whole team's," she says, and she sees a blink of jealousy on his face. She's tried to keep Pete and Jack apart. More for her sake then theirs. Both have been civil and friendly when they met, but…she wants to keep those regions of her life as far apart as possible. And she doesn't want to have to analyze why. "We were examining a new machine on an alien planet. It took our blood. It extracted the best trait at each gene, and inserted them into an egg."
Pete opens his mouth.
"Not my egg, my dad asked the same question," she said, "Anyway, that egg an hour and a half later was Katie."
"When did this happen?" Pete asks.
"Two and a half days ago," she says.
"Wow," he says.
"Uh, there is more," she says smiling, "She also has all of our knowledge, and she'll be growing at double time for a couple of years."
"But she'll be ok?" he asks concerned.
Sam nods.
"So, all your knowledge, that's awkward," he says.
"Luckily, it's knowledge, not memories, but it could still be awkward. I mean she's going to know a lot about us based on what she knows. Of course, she might not always know who she got the knowledge from, and sometimes it would be from more than one of us."
"So…how is it working? Are the four of you sharing her?" he asks.
"No, I'm going to raise her. They told me they are willing to help, but…" she says with a smile.
"But they are leaving you with her," he says, and she detects a slight bit of anger in her voice.
"No, that's not how it happened. I wanted her," she looks at the tiny baby in her lap to get courage, "Pete we've been dating for a few months. I don't expect you to be ok, with this instant family thing. I'd understand if you want out. This was my choice. I expected to do this as a single mom."
"I don't want out," Pete said.
"I'm probably not going to be able to go out on dates as much for awhile. Of course, the boys would take her, but…" she starts.
"You're a mom, that's going to change your priorities," he says.
"Why are you being so great about this?" he asks.
"I like you Sam," he says, "Can I hold Katie Kat?"
She nods.
He picks her up, and takes a good look at her. Her Daniel Jackson eyes focus on him, and she lets out a big sneeze. Snot covers his arm, but he doesn't even flinch.
"Hello," Pete says.
He'd actually make a great Dad, she thinks. She tries to analyze the phrasing of that sentence, as she gets him a Kleenex.
She remembers the words phantom of her father had said, "You deserve to be happy." Happy, he hadn't said content, he had said happy.
Cover stories. Something Sam had heard since before she can remember. Something Mark had heard for even longer. Something she'd been feeding Mark since she entered the Air Force. But today she didn't want to give it to him. She wished she could just tell him the truth.
"Mark," she says as he answered the phone.
"Hey, Sam what's up," he says.
"Actually, I've got some pretty big news," she says. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, "I had a baby."
There is a long pause, "You're going to have a baby?" he asks.
"No…I have one, now, right here in my arms" she says.
"You adopted?" he asks.
"No, listen. She has a tumor in her pituitary gland. Everything is fine. They are going to be able to do surgery in a couple of years. But she's growing twice as fast as a normal child. I didn't tell you before, because everything was happening so fast, and" this was the part of the lie she least wanted to tell, but it was the only way she didn't sound like a complete jerk for not telling her brother, "we weren't sure she was going to make it, so I didn't say anything until she was fine."
"Oh, my God Sam, you should have told me!" he says, "So, what about Pete? He's taking care of you right?" Sam closes her eyes. "It's not Pete's," she says.
"Right, you didn't know Pete four months ago. So what happened to the father, Sammy?" he says.
Her stomach twisted up, she should have predicted this one.
"The father?" she repeats.
"Yes," he says.
"I work with him, he's helping, but we're not together," she says.
"You work with him?" Mark repeats.
"Yes," Sam says.
"Is it your commanding officer?" Marks asks.
Geez, Sam thought, am I that transparent? "No…his name is Teal'c. He's from another country, I've worked with him for years."
"Yeah, I've heard you mention Teal'c. I would have figured you more for friends than lovers," Mark says.
"We are friends," Sam says.
"Well, he obviously knocked you up," Mark says.
"We…made an isolated mistake. Since then we've gone back to being friends," she says with a sigh.
"He knows it's his baby?" Mark asks.
"Yeah," she says.
"Is Teal'c the big black dude?" Mark asks.
"Yeah," she says.
"That will make it a bit harder to keep secret," Mark says.
"Teal'c isn't trying to hide it, everyone knows," she says.
"Have you told Pete? What am I saying, the man would notice if you were that pregnant. How come he never mentioned it to me? I've talked to him a couple of times since you two started dating," Mark says.
Great, now she was making it seem like Pete was keeping secrets from his best friend. She looked down at her daughter thinking, 'you make everything complicated, Babe.' "I asked him not to. Pete knows all about it. He's actually been remarkably accepting about the whole thing."
"That's good. Not every guy would be ok, with his girlfriend having another man's baby," Mark says.
Or three other men's baby, she thought to herself. "No, I'm lucky," she says.
"But tell me about this tumor thing, is she ok? Does it hurt? Does she need some medicine or something?" Mark asks.
"No, she's absolutely fine. She'll need surgery when she's older. But until then it's safer just to let it go. She's growing at double the rate than normal, but she's perfectly healthy," Sam repeats.
"So what caused it?" Mark asks.
"It just happened," she says.
"Not exposure to some weird deep space telemetry stuff?" Mark asks.
Great, she thinks, another reason for Mark to hate the Air Force, "No, just a chance thing, could have happened to anyone." She really hated lying.
"Listen if you need anything Sam, you let me know. When Cindy and I had Max, you were there for us. You were amazing. San Diego and Colorado Springs aren't that far apart. I'd be more than willing to help you. I know the first little bit of parenthood is pretty rough, and I never did it by myself," he says.
"I'm not really doing it by myself," she says.
"How involved is the father?" Mark asks.
"As involved as I want him to be, but it's not just him. My whole team…they kind of consider this SG-1's baby. And then there is Janet Fraizer and her daughter-Cassie's graduating in a couple of months. They have all offered to help."
"And then there is Pete," Mark says. And there is something about the way he says this she hates. He knows he's trying to be nice, trying to be practical. But she is also painfully aware of just how much this isn't Pete's baby. How glad she is that it isn't Pete's baby. How much she really doesn't want to live in the white picket fence and pretend it's Pete's baby. But she takes a deep breath, because it isn't just Jack's baby either. And she can't have Jack and the picket fence.
"Yeah, I'm pretty lucky," she says.
Mark hears something in her voice, "Are you happy, Sam?" he asks.
The answer comes before she even thinks, "Of course."
Am I? She asks herself after the phone has been hung up.
It's the fourteenth day after the child's birth, and it is time for the Jaffa ceremony. Sam is really sick of lighting candles. Jaffa tradition states that the number of candles a mother lights with a single long taper defines the length of a Jaffa's life. She tried to convince everyone that a hundred candles would be enough since Katie isn't Jaffa, and isn't likely to live longer than that. Jack however seized on to the tradition and lined up thousands of candles in a marathon method that would allow her to light as many as possible. He had been cheering her on until Teal'c had placed a big hand on each of Jack's shoulders and said, "A Jaffa keap'ta is a solemn ceremony, O'Neill."
Daniel snickers from behind the video camera which Sam suspects is more about studying Jaffa culture than about recording an important moment in his daughter's life.
After that, thankful Jack shut up. By the time the taper flickered out-412 candles later, her hand was sore.
"Would it be alright, MajorCarter, if I played the role of father in the ceremony?" Teal'c asks.
"Of course," she offers with a smile.
Teal'c makes a low bow before he take the child in his arms. "I will do this in English, not for you KatieCarter who knows many languages, but for the sake of those gathered."
Teal'c holds the child before him, facing him, "You, my daughter, are in the service of no god. The gods are being slain and you are born free. May the freedom be guarded all your life long, until at long last you die free and ascend to the place of Kheb. May you be strong, to defend your people. May you be brave to guard your people. May you be wise to hasten your people along the path to ascension. May your life be long, and filled with joy. May you be descendents be many and worthy."
He bows slowly, with her in his arms.
"See the candles lit by your mother, " he says turning her, "She has secured for you a long life. It is time now for you to give your mother a gift. Take the gold and you shall make her powerful. Take the paper, and you shall make her wise. Take the stick, and you shall make her strong." He holds the things in his giant palm before her. Katie's fist knocks all of them out of his hand.
"Ungrateful child?" Teal'c says, his voice teasing, "You refuse your mother a gift?" He takes the three things, and drops them one by one into her palm. It doesn't clench around any of them.
"Just as well young KatieCarter, you mother has these things already," Teal'c says offering Sam a smile. "What gift shall you take for your father?" he asks dropping them again unto her palm. The child again doesn't accept anything.
"And for yourself young KatieCarter?" he asks, "Will you take one for yourself?" Again they fall to the ground.
"She didn't grab anything! She's is just a baby, she can't…" Jack starts to protest feeling that Katie is being cheated.
"Most don't, O'Neill, calm yourself," Teal'c says glancing annoyed over his shoulder.
"Your mother shall choose your gift," he says. Sam steps forward uncertainly, "Which one should I pick?" she asks Teal'c.
"Which do you think most valuable MajorCarter?" he asks.
She looks down at the three objects. Her fingers waver between the stick and the paper, and she realizes the decision between these two virtues is a sort of metaphor for her own young adulthood. She picks up the paper.
"Press it into her hand," Teal'c instructs.
Sam takes the paper, and touches it lightly to Katie's palm. Katie's hand clasps around it.
"Your mother has chosen well," Teal'c says with a smile, "Cling to your wisdom."
"Now my daughter," he says, "Long ago warriors were marked by the false god they served. Now, we serve no false god, so I will mark you with the mark of freedom," he glances over his shoulder, "temporarily of course."
He dips his finger into a dark black paint, and slowly draws the symbol of a bird encircled in a sun. When he is done he kisses the tattoo, and offers her to Sam who gives her a kiss as well. He then holds the child out to Jack, and Daniel who each grace the child with a kiss.
Apparently, Sam thought grimly, Max had been an extremely well behaved child. Why hadn't someone warned her that motherhood was hell? That was certainly what the last three weeks had been. Particularly the last one since she'd returned to work. The screaming seemed to be coming from very close this time. She looked down at her lap. Damn, she hadn't even attempted to go to bed between the last two feedings. The bottle was still in Katie's mouth. Sam felt guilty, she knew you weren't supposed to do that. Choking hazard, ear infections, tooth decay. Right now she didn't care about the last one, Katie didn't have teeth yet.
She glanced at the clock. Fifty-one minutes since Katie's last feeding, an all time record. Sam tried to remember the last time she'd slept for more than forty-five minutes, and she couldn't. She mixed up a batch of fresh formula not bothering with the warming, she hadn't bothered with warming the bottles since she'd discovered when her daughter was a week old that Katie really didn't care. She holds the bottle with one hand, while checking the diaper with the other. Yes, of course a diaper change was required. When wasn't it?
She carries Katie into the nursery, and lays her down on the changing table whose bright colors proclaim its early 90's origin. She holds the bottle with one hand, and changes her with the other. A task which seemed difficult when she first attempted it, but which doesn't even require thought anymore.
Katie continues to scream. How the hell can she scream with a bottle in her mouth? Sam wonders. Katie's screaming changes pitch, and Sam jumps. The baby's face is covered with milk. Holy Hannah, Sam just fell asleep while holding a bottle for a kid on a changing table. This was beyond tired. She was a horrible mother. Katie could have fallen, she could have been seriously injured. As it was, she had milk up her nose.
"Sorry baby, sorry," she cries to Katie. "Mommy promises she wouldn't let you get hurt. I will never let you get hurt, Baby Girl, come on sweetie," she says.
"I'm coming!" Jack shouts as he bumbles down the hallway wondering who was knocking on his door at two in the morning.
"Carter!" he says.
She is sobbing, and she thrusts the baby into his arms. Then she drops some bags on the floor, and turns to go, bouncing as if she was still holding Katie.
"Carter, what the hell is going on?" he asks.
"I'm abandoning my daughter, Sir!" she shouts heading for the car.
"The hell you are! Get back here and tell me what's going on," he says.
"Is that an order, sir?" she asks turning.
"No," he says softly, "It's not an order."
She turns and walks into the house. She sits at the table and Jack prepares a bottle for Katie, "What happened?" he asks softly.
"I almost dropped her," she says, and finally the tears have stopped.
He examines the baby in his arms, "She ok?"
"Besides some milk up her nose, yeah, she's fine," Sam mutters nearly crying again, "I fell asleep while changing her. She was up on the changing table."
"When is the last time you got enough sleep?" he asks.
"How old is she?" Sam asks trying to make it sound like a joke, but it comes out hollow and pained.
"Sam, why didn't you ask for help," he says with such compassion in his voice that she looks up at him.
She begins sobbing again, "I can't do it. I can't be a mom. It's not in me, Jack. I don't know how people do this. She won't sleep for more than forty-five minutes at a time!"
"Forty-five minutes?" he asks, "most kids can go a few hours. You have been up every forty-five minutes for three weeks?"
She nods.
"Carter, no one can do that," he says. "It's not possible," he says bouncing Katie as she drinks, "You should have told us, we would have helped you."
"I'm asking for help now," she says sobbing again, "You're her godfather. You're supposed to take care of her if I can't."
"No, a godfather is supposed to take care of her if you're dead. You're not dead. But I meant it when I said I'd help you. I intend to. I'm definitely going to be taking care of her tonight, and as long as you need, up to and including forever. But what you said before…about abandoning her. I'm not accepting that. If, after a few full nights of sleep you come back here calm and collected, and tell me that again, then I'll take her. It still wouldn't be abandonment, it would be giving her to someone who loves her. But I'm not accepting this as permanent when you're this worn out. If you can sleep through her crying you should take the couch, because you really shouldn't be driving like this. But if she's going to keep you up, go home," he says.
She sniffs, "I'm sorry, Sir," she mutters standing up.
He puts his hand over hers that is still lying on the table, "It's going to be ok, Carter," he says softly.
She nods her head, but her face clearly shows she doesn't believe it. He watches her walk out of the room, and listens as she shuts the door to his house, and starts the engine of her car.
"Katie girl, what were you doing to your mother!" he explains.
"Jack have you seen Sam?" Daniel asks coming into the office Jack pretended not to know existed. The office that Teal'c and Sam knew he spent most of his on base time in since they'd known him. But an office which Daniel had only become aware of in the last couple of years.
He looks up, "No, is she ok this morning?" he is trying to make it sound casual, but he find himself really quite worried about his second in command.
"No, she didn't show up for work, and didn't call in sick," Daniel says.
"Oh shit," Jack says picking up the phone and dialing the number which is more familiar than it has a right to be based on the number of times he's called it.
"Sir?" a confused and groggy sounding voice says on the other end.
"Carter," he says breathing out relief, "You ok?"
"Yeah, what time is it?" she asks a second later her voice is fully awake, "Holy Hannah! I'm two hours late for work, why didn't someone call me sooner?"
"You're ok, you just overslept?" he asks again looking for confirmation.
"I'll be there in a little bit," she says, and he can hear her getting dressed.
"No, that's ok, you are eligible for maternity leave as well. Take the day off. Catch up on sleep," he says.
There is a long pause, "Sir, about last night…I," she begins.
"Didn't mean it right? I told you that last night. But I'm thinking we need to rethink child care for little miss super metabolism double growth. Can I come over and talk to you about it tonight after I get done working, and you get done sleeping? I'll bring the kid and some Chinese food," he says.
"Ok," she says.
"You sure you're alright?" he asks again.
"I'm fine, Katie ok?" Sam asks.
"Wonderful," he says.
"I miss her. It's not even been a day, but I…miss her," Sam says softly.
"We'll figure this out, Carter, just rest up," Jack says.
"Sam ok?" Daniel asks, more worried by Jack's face than the half of the conversation he heard.
"Tired, Katie's been waking her up every forty five minutes. Sam refused to ask for help, and nearly drove herself crazy," Jack says with a sigh, "Daniel, I know you aren't thrilled about this whole baby idea," Daniel opens his mouth to protest, "Oh, I know what you told Sam was the reason you weren't thrilled. I have no doubt that's only part of it. So if you won't be willing to do a little baby duty, I need to know now."
Daniel looks at him straight in the eye, "I'm willing."
"This isn't some misplaced sense of duty, but real willingness, because we can do it without you?" Jack asks.
"No, seriously," Daniel says.
"I haven't asked T yet, but I was thinking we will alternate between my house and Sam's. You'd stay at Sam's the nights she has the baby, and alternate feedings, and T would do the same. Or if T isn't in I can handle my nights myself. The feedings should get farther apart as time goes on. I can remember Charlie sleeping through the night at about four months, so if Katie's rapid growth means she meets milestones earlier that's only a month and a week away. Then you can go back to your bachelor life."
"I don't mind, Jack," Daniel says.
"Thanks, I'm going to go talk to T," Jack says.
"Jack, what did you think happened to Sam?" Daniel's voice stops Jack at the door. Jack turns slowly, and a glance at Daniel's eyes confirms that Daniel already knows the answer. Daniel shuts his eyes, "It's that bad?"
"Last night Sam almost dropped Katie, when Sam fell asleep while changing her. She came over to my house talking about abandoning her daughter, and how she was an awful mother…" Jack says.
"If you thought…why did you let her leave?" Daniel asks.
"I didn't think it last night, just this morning…" Jack says. "Look, I know what feeling like a failure at parenting can make a person want to do. It's just that in my case it was true," he says gruffly.
"Jack," Daniel says looking at him confused, "After all these years you still think you were a bad Dad?" Jack doesn't answer, "Well, I never knew you with Charlie. So maybe you were. But I have seen you with plenty of kids since, and let me assure you. You were great with every single one of them."
"I killed my son," Jack says.
"The hell you did," Daniel says with a genuine laugh at the end. It's the laugh that causes Jack to look at him. "What if last night Sam really had dropped Katie; and she slammed her head on something and died?"
Jack's stomach turned, and he really thinks for a second he's going to throw up. Daniel finds himself really hoping he didn't go too far.
"Would you blame Sam? Would you be telling her she killed her daughter? Would you even think it? Jesus, Jack. Charlie's death was an accident."
There is silence for a little while.
"Thanks Daniel," Jack mutters.
"Someone needs to tell you when you're being stupid," Daniel says, "Listen maybe I should go talk to Sam."
"Probably be a good plan, you did wonders for me on Abydos," Jack says quietly, "Did I ever thank you for that by the way?"
"No," Daniel smiles, "But I knew you weren't the type to say a lot of thank yous so it's ok."
"Thank you, and for today," Jack says.
"No problem. I'll go see if Teal'c is down with your plan, and visit Sam," Daniel says.
Sam wakes up to the knocking at the door and is relieved when her clock assures her it isn't six o'clock already. She would hate to think she slept through the whole day.
"Daniel," she says trying to keep the surprise and disappointment out of her voice when she opens the door.
"Sorry, I'm not Jack, but I did bring Chinese, and I have strict instructions to make sure you eat."
"I wasn't disappointed because you weren't Jack. But he promised to bring Katie," she says.
Daniel smiled, that was certainly a good sign, "Sorry, Sam. But you could do with a little break."
She lowers her head, "Did the Colonel tell you?" and Daniel sees her chin in shaking.
"Hey, it's ok," he says hugging her, "Jack told me you were so overtired you fell asleep while standing."
"I…almost dropped her," she says hanging her head lower.
"Sam, if I fell asleep and dropped her, what would you think of me?" he asks. She looks up at him. "You're only mistake was not asking for help," Daniel adds.
"The Colonel lost a child already, I almost…" she stops.
"Hold it, you think Jack is mad at you?" Daniel asks his voice showing his disbelief.
"If he isn't he should be," she says.
"He's not, and he shouldn't be. Sam, do you blame Jack for Charlie's death?" he asks.
She shakes her head.
"He does. Same with you. You are the only one who thinks you did something wrong here," he says.
"Thanks, Daniel," she says.
He takes a deep breath, "You know the first Abydos mission? Jack didn't plan on coming back." Her eyes are focused on him, and he thinks she might have guessed this before, although no one has ever said it aloud, "He didn't want to live after Charlie. Today when he found out you didn't go to work it scared the crap out of him."
Sam stands up, turning so she isn't facing him. Every muscle in her body was tense. "I'm not suicidal. Maybe I should be…"
"No, you have a daughter who needs you," Daniel says, "And you have a lot of people who love you. And you are, like Jack likes to say, a national treasure. I just need to know if you're ok. We don't want to lose you."
She turns and sees his serious eyes.
"I always thought I could be a good mother," she says, "I just hate it that I'm not."
"You are a good mother, Sam. A good mother forced to deal with an extraordinarily needy child. You're good at everything. Scientist, soldier, mother," he says.
Sam sighs.
"Do you want to hear Jack's plan?" Daniel asks. Sam doesn't answer. "Ok, well, he thinks it would be best if we split into teams. You and I, and Jack and Teal'c. I'd stay at your house every other day, and we'd alternate feedings. The other nights, Katie would stay at Jack's and they'd tag team."
"I appreciate it, but I can take care of her," Sam says.
"You know we're only offering, because we love her, right? You miss her since last night? How do we feel? We'd love to help you out for the next month or however long until she can sleep through the night. We're her fathers'," he says.
She smiles at him. "Are you a really good liar?" she asks.
"Actually yes, but I'm not lying now," he says.
She smiles.
"So…" he says.
"Ok," she smiles.
"And I've seen you with Katie, you're a good mother," Daniel says.
"I don't have a clue what I'm doing," Sam says.
"What? You don't know how to raise an alien child no earthling has ever dealt with before? Huh? Imagine that," Daniel says.
She nudges him. "You're a good friend," she says.
