How in the world had she ever studied in high school? None of her old techniques are working. She has the overhead light off but lamps on, a bowl of popcorn and a glass of iced-tea at her side, her favorite candles burning and an old soft-rock station streaming on her computer. Everything is in place for marathon paper writing and for some reason, she sits, staring at her textbooks as if she's never learned a thing in her life. She's been at it all day and has produced one paragraph on her essay and has managed about twelve flashcards for her upcoming test. She reads the same things over and over and doesn't retain any of it, her hand cramps when she writes, her neck hurts from sitting at the desk so long and she wonders if it's finally caught up to her, the writer's block that her dad always said she would get.
Groaning at the thought she stretches and stands up, deciding on a cup of coffee. Maybe when no one's looking she can sneak something from the liquor cabinet. Just a little… no, they'd figure it out and then she'd have to endure a lecture from her dad, even though he really has no ground to stand on. Better to avoid that situation entirely. Blowing out the candles and closing her laptop, she slides her feet into her slippers and opens her bedroom door. Unknown music floats up to her and she starts down the stairs, peeking around the corner. She's gotten into the habit of entering a room as a guest even though she knows she's not. She hates the habit and tries to break it but for some reason she finds herself taking in the territory before she goes in.
The living room is empty but there's a fire going and a few lights on in the kitchen. Kate is standing at the stove making dinner, one hand on her hip as she quietly sings along with the music coming from her docked iPod. Alexis giggles to herself; the thought of Kate and music has never occurred to her, even though she has seen the guitar in the corner of the room. She makes a little bit of noise as she comes down the stairs, just so Kate isn't startled, and pulls a stool out at the counter.
"That smells good," she comments gently. "What is it?"
"I'm not exactly sure," Kate answers, reaching over to turn the music down a little. "I just kind of started throwing things together. How's the studying?"
Alexis makes a face and Kate smiles with a knowing nod.
"I think I just needed a break. I haven't had human contact all day. Where's dad?"
"Writing. I went in there to bring him lunch and he actually did the shooing thing," Kate explains, making a dismissing motion with her hand. "So I ate two lunches."
"I like that you're proud of that," Alexis grins. "Most women would be embarrassed at the overeating."
"I can eat, but that doesn't mean I didn't go for a three mile run afterwards."
"Hence the carbo-load now?"
Kate looks down into the pot of pasta and chuckles.
"I guess. I really need to think about healthier eating habits."
"Overrated. Speaking of which, did you and dad finally come to a decision about the wedding cake?"
Kate lifts her eyebrows and nods.
"He managed to incorporate what we both wanted and Batman won't be on it, so I'm happy."
"When he said he wanted a superhero to rappel down the side of it I thought he was kidding. Although the argument about whether or not Superman would bother rappelling was pretty funny."
Kate laughs and shakes her head in amusement.
"The venue and the cake- I didn't know those would be our biggest points of contention during this thing."
"Well you've managed it well," Alexis concedes. "Just wait until you start dividing the closet."
"He didn't tell you?"
"What?"
"He got a contractor to build another closet."
"Are you serious?"
"He said I would need one just for my shoes, so I threw one at him."
"Domestic."
"I thought so."
"I could take some of those shoes off your hands. You know, just to prevent marital discord."
"You're a peach," Kate laughs, going to the fridge for the garlic. "But really, if you want anything out of my closet, go for it. Just don't judge me for the amount of things I have bought and never worn."
"Deal."
The quiet is companionable as the music changes; apparently Kate has her playlist on shuffle. It's still new to Alexis and she listens to it attentively, wondering if Kate would be opposed to sharing music libraries.
"So I'm on the list for a dorm next semester," Alexis says finally, plucking an apple out of the bowl and twisting the stem off, more for something to do with her hands than anything.
"Oh. Well that's good."
"What?"
"Hmm? Nothing."
"Kate."
"I just like that you're here, that's all."
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I knew you'd be going back but… I don't know, it's been nice."
Alexis nods in understanding. Despite the uneven ground they'd started out on and the chasm between the two of them that sometimes feels a mile wide, the last few months of Alexis living at the loft full time had done a lot to establish a new dimension to the family. The two of them hadn't had any discussions on the matter, but things were much more clear now than they had been before the migration back to the nest as it were. She'd be lying if she said that she was absolutely certain that returning to the dorms was what she wanted to do.
"I was looking at my calendar and if you guys get back from your honeymoon in time and dad goes on his September tour, then he won't be here when I have to go back to the dorms."
"I bet he'd come back for the weekend. He'll finagle it."
"Maybe. I think it'll be alright. Maybe he can hire movers and I'll just sit on the couch with pizza and watch them sweat."
"That seems like an excellent idea."
"I was also thinking that since dad's going to be gone maybe the two of us could do something fun. A movie marathon or something."
"Yeah? Okay."
"I know it's planning way ahead, but this gives us time to come up with something to do."
"I'll start making a list tomorrow."
Alexis nods and smiles, wishing they had done something like this a long time ago, but looking forward to it all the same.
"Anyway, is dinner ready? I'll go get dad."
"Yeah, thanks."
She slides off the stool and walks to his study, opening the door. He has his noise cancelling headphones on and his face is crinkled up in concentration as he types furiously on his laptop. There's an empty plate on the desk, he must have snuck out for a late lunch at some point. He doesn't seem to notice her until she gets a little closer, then looks up, startled, taking the headphones off. She can hear faint strains of MC Hammer coming from them and she grins while he reorients himself to the world.
"Kate says dinner is ready."
"Dinner? What time is it?"
"Almost seven."
"Wow. Uh, think she can keep it warm for me? I'm going to be a bit."
"Probably. But make sure you come out at some point? Your eyes are going to cross."
"Noted."
She shakes her head and backs out of the room, glad his seclusion is borne of inspiration rather than depression as it has been a few times in the past. He'll come out later tonight, whooping about how many chapters he's completed and what he's planned to do next. She likes what he writes better in these times than the other anyway.
"He didn't shoo me away but he said he'll be a bit."
"Translation, slide food under the door in an hour."
"Bingo."
"Well, what do you say to some trash TV?"
"Sounds good. The only question is, Teen Mom or Honey Boo-Boo?"
"Two very good options, though you're forgetting the Kardashians."
"I kind of like Khloe."
Kate laughs and they plate up dinner, taking it into the other room to turn on the TV. It's a few minutes before they agree on something to watch and they eat in silence for a while. Alexis feels her mind starting to slow down and realizes that she couldn't concentrate before because it was just too full. She's been pushing herself to finish this school year strong and she often forgets that she has to give herself some breathing room as well. Pi had been good for that, giving her distractions that took just a few minutes and allowed her to get back to work quickly. A long break like this isn't ideal, but going all day without one isn't either.
"I want to ask you something," she starts after a moment, leaning forward to put her plate on the coffee table. "And I don't want you to get mad at me."
"Okay," Kate agrees, her empty plate joining Alexis' before she turns a little on the couch to face the younger woman. "Lay it on me."
"After um… well, when you were gone that summer…" she gulps, unable to give a specific event, but knowing that Kate gets the gist of it anyway. "I know that you told dad you needed time and I know why you didn't talk to anyone for months and we've already had that part of the discussion but… I never really understood why you wouldn't talk to me. I know you had a million things going on and you were scared and you just weren't ready to be thrown into your job but I'm not a part of that. I called you every week and you didn't pick up, didn't call back. I guess I kind of get that now, but then when you came back to the city you talked to everyone at work you and dad fixed things but you never even tried to talk to me. It's like I wasn't important."
Kate breaths deeply and bites her lip, shuffling through all the excuses and rejecting them, instead focusing first on that last sentence.
"Alexis, first of all, it's not that you weren't important," she explains. "I promise you, it wasn't that at all."
"I just thought… I don't know, that week after he died, before the funeral you were staying here and I thought… I don't know what I thought actually, I guess it just seemed like something had changed. Maybe it was stupid of me but I thought you just needed space from dad, not from everyone."
"There's no good reason for me not calling you back, Alexis. I was so mixed up and scared and hurt and I think all I was really doing was trying to pretend that reality didn't exist. I hid from everything as a whole, it wasn't any one person or thing specifically."
"I get that now, at least a little. But when you got back… why?"
"Because I'm a big fat chicken. Because I knew that if we discussed it, you would be right. And that was selfish and unfair to you."
"I hated you for a long time."
"It wasn't a secret."
"Then why didn't you try to fix it?"
"Things weren't like they are now, Lex. I didn't have a place in your life to be able to broach a subject like that. I know now that I should have just jumped in and figured it out, but I convinced myself that you weren't going to hear it."
"You're probably right about that."
"I'm sorry. I should have at least done my best to fix things. I should never have left in the first place if we're being honest."
Alexis sighs and looks down at her hands, stomach in knots. She can see it in Kate's eyes, how terribly sorry she is, how much love and care is there, but it's hard for her to accept. She doesn't know what to do with that.
"I know you don't trust me for a lot of reasons and I'll never try to talk you into trusting me. But please don't judge the new me on the old me."
"I try not to. Most of the time I don't but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I think back to how bad things were and I get really mad. I don't like that and I really wish I could let it go."
"Things like that take time."
"I feel like we've been though enough now that I should be able to start over, you know?"
Kate nods gently, eyes flicking over to the door of the study where Castle is standing silently. Neither one of them had noticed him until this moment and she half hopes he'll come in and change the course of the discussion but he just gives her a smile and slips back from whence he came.
"I'm going to make mistakes," she says finally. "I know that and I don't like it, but it's going to happen. But you need to know that I don't mean to. I'm doing my best to make this all work and any mistakes I make don't mean I love you or your dad any less."
"I know."
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Alexis."
"I forgive you Kate. I… we'll be okay. With time."
"Time and maybe some chocolate?"
Alexis smiles brightly and nods. It's not everything that they need to discuss but it's more than enough for today. She finds herself leaning into the hug that Kate offers and sighing deeply as her heart settles a little more into this new family dynamic. It's definitely not bad at all.
