This one shot is dedicated to Kyparissia39! I hope you like it!
Something Worth Risking
"End of chapter 25, In Too Deep, Irina's POV"
Sudden panic seized her. Was she really ready to let go of life? There was a way to live that was not her way - she'd had glimpses of it. With Nikolai and … a few others. What agony it was to let it go! It was letting go of possibility. Of a dream.
'I hope they know it was worth it to me,' she thought, staring at the Cahill children. Remember what I said, children. Fear her. In your hands it all lies now.
She barely could hear the roof cracking, the smoke continuing to fog her brain. But resolutely, she stood, staring down at the three figures below.
And suddenly, she felt ready. Ready to die, ready to sacrifice. Closing her eyes, not in defeat but in acceptance, she let go.
Vaguely, she thought she could hear cries of elation as she did so. Dan and Amy's voices, even Alistair's. But it was just her mind again, playing tricks on her. Her entire focus was starting to dim.
So she let it all fade away, slipping into blackness.
Smoke. Fire. Pain. Death.
The words flitted through Irina's mind as she awoke.
She kept her eyes closed as she tried to piece it all together.
It may not be safe to show that I'm awake. Wait, why am I awake?
The logical part of her brain - which was most of her brain - screamed at her that she couldn't be alive. Yet it was undeniable; the smell of smoke and the feeling of pain in her limbs told her that much.
Still, the pain wasn't as bad as it should have been. Cautiously, she honed her senses to try to make sense of it all. Now she could hear movement, her trained ears picking up the shuffle of soft footsteps on the floor.
Isabel? At the thought Irina almost panicked. But then common sense kicked in. If it was her I would already be dead. For my betrayal.
She forced her thoughts away from that at the moment. Now she could hear breathing coming from the opposite corner of the room, a soft scraping sound - like something made out of glass being set down - and now the steady beep from a monitor. A hospital?
But how? It's not possible.
"Ms. Spasky? Are you awake?"
It was a pleasant voice speaking. A young, female voice. Not one that she recognized.
Slowly, Irina peeled her eyelids open and quickly darted her gaze around the room, taking it all in within seconds, charting out possible escape routes if needed.
"You are." The smiling brunette said from the corner of the room. "He said you probably would be a little disoriented."
He? And this doesn't look like a hospital.
Not wanting to give anything away, Irina stared at the girl, who wasn't wearing a nurse uniform or anything of the sort. Instead, she was dressed in jeans and a sweater, her long brown hair pulled up in a casual ponytail.
It must be cold where we are. So not in Australia anymore.
Irina liked the cold. It reminded her of home. However, in this situation, she didn't like it at all.
"Where am I?" She finally managed. "And who are you?"
She had more questions, but she waited to ask, not wanting to reveal too much until she knew for sure what she was dealing with.
"You're in South Korea, in Alistair's house. And my name is Francine, but everyone calls me Fran."
"Alistair? Alistair Oh?" As soon as the question left her mouth, Irina wanted to kick herself. Of course it was Alistair Oh. What a stupid question.
But the girl only smiled again. "Yes. He didn't give me many details, just brought you here and asked for me to take care of you. Of course, I know that no one is supposed to know you're here."
Irina looked down, not able to stand the innocent smile coming from Fran, someone who probably had no idea what all had happened.
"He left a letter for you." She said. "He said it would explain it all. Let me go retrieve it."
Fran left, and Irina tried to piece everything together from what little information she had.
I was obviously rescued from the fire. Somehow I was flown to South Korea to Alistair's home. But he's not here. Which means the Clue Hunt is going on still. Not much time has passed then. And this girl seems not bothered so she must not know.
Irina had no more time to think, because Fran came back, dropping an ivory piece of paper in her hand. There was no envelope, so Irina took it and flipped it over.
Irina,
As you have probably figured out by now, you survived the fire. Dan found a large stick, and then bravely vaulted onto the roof, pushing you down it where I was waiting to catch you. By then you had already lost consciousness. I will spare you the details, but with the help of Nellie Gomez and some excellent craftiness on my part, we managed to sneak you out of Australia to my own home, where I can assure you that you will receive proper care. Lucians aren't the only ones who are sneaky; Ekats can be too you see. Francine is also an Ekat, but all she knows is that you are to remain hidden from anyone who isn't myself, Dan, Amy, or Nellie, and to alert me if anyone comes to look for you. I hope that you aren't angry at me Irina for taking things upon myself, but as you know you weren't awake to instruct me, and I assume that Isabel does not need to know what happened. We informed the police that you were dead, and though Isabel tried to pin it on me, I managed to evade their clutches. I will return after the Clue Hunt, and hopefully by then Isabel Kabra will be taken care of. I know you hate being told what to do, but please be safe and stay put. I will come back. It is not necessary to dispose of this letter unless you feel like you should. I assure you that my home is perfectly safe and secure.
Alistair Oh
The first thought Irina had was annoyance. Alistair's tone was that of someone speaking to a child. But then as she re-read it, she had to conclude that he was right, both in how he handled the situation and he was right in his assumptions. Isabel Kabra was the last person Irina wanted to deal with.
You're just a chicken. A big chicken.
But she knew that she was being hard on herself. Hadn't she done enough for Isabel, with no reward in return? Hadn't she given that woman enough power over her own life and decisions? Irina's loyalty had been trampled on, and she knew that if Isabel was suddenly transported here, the Lucian wouldn't hesitate to kill her.
Maybe it's better if I did expose myself. I deserve death.
But the thought of life though and being given another chance did seem like a grand gift to Irina. Maybe things could be different now.
Bah. What do I speak of? Me, different?
"Ms. Spasky?" Fran's voice cut into her musings. "If you don't mind, I would like to check your vitals. Alistair insisted that you read the letter first, but I need to make sure you're ok. You have some pretty nasty burns."
Irina wasn't worried about the burns. They would heal. But the title made her sound too official, and reminded her too much of her past, when people would call her that out of fear or even respect. Maybe change could start right here.
"Call me Irina."
She was about to 'lose the marbles' as the Cahill children would say. Irina wasn't one to sit around and wait patiently, and right now she was almost willing to risk it all to rejoin the Clue Hunt. It had been weeks since she had woken up here and too many of them had passed.
"Now Irina, you know that you still need to heal." Fran's chipper voice was saying.
Chipper. One of the many things that Irina couldn't stand in a person. Being chipper wasted energy. Energy that could be being spent spying, plotting, planning, or double-crossing.
Not anymore, remember? You're a different person.
So she bit hard on her tongue and tried to smile, although it felt like a grimace. "I am healed. Now I go."
"But Alistair said-"
"I don't care what that crazy man said." She felt a twinge as the words left her mouth but she couldn't help the sharpness of her tone.
If she had to spend one more day here she would go crazy. Besides, she had been following some of the Clue Hunt on Fran's computer. All she had to do was type in 'historical' and 'disaster' and it was easy to see where everyone was.
"Just two more days." Now a hint of pleading could be heard in the girl's voice.
Most people wouldn't have been able to pick up on the anxious glint in Fran's eyes as she spoke. But Irina Spasky wasn't most people.
She stared at Fran, who was now pointedly avoiding her gaze.
"Why do you only say two? Why not a general 'couple' or 'few'?"
"Please?" Fran ignored the question and instead turned her sad eyes in Irina's direction.
Holding back a sharp retort and a sigh, she reluctantly agreed. "Fine. But Thursday I'm leaving. With no arguments."
Instead of cowering down at her hard tone, Fran shot her a happy grin.
Irina hated how she already had a soft spot in her heart for the girl. Fran was sweet and cheerful and didn't seem to be affected by the former KGB spy.
No. She's not affected at all. Either I'm losing my touch or I'm going soft.
Not wanting to dwell on that, she instead turned her thoughts to another confusing topic. Or more like person.
Alistair.
Why did he care so much? Irina had never been what you would call 'close' with the Ekat. Even though there was that night...but Irina had forced the slight flicker of attraction down. She had other goals in life, and feelings - whether platonic or romantic - wasn't one of them.
He just feels responsible. Since you saved his and the children's lives. That's all. Repayment of debt.
But Irina couldn't shake the uneasy feeling off.
Not liking the direction of these thoughts, she turned her focus to the Clue Hunt. Since she was planning on rejoining she needed to plan. The last thing she wanted was to run into Isabel. So working from any of the Lucian bases was out. Irina would be on her own.
But isn't that how it's always been? I've always been on my own. Ever since Nikolai...there's been no one since. No one I've cared for and no one who has cared for me.
"Irina? Are you ok?" Fran's concerned voice broke into Irina's thoughts.
Fran cares. Or at least acts like it. But she doesn't know all I've done.
Out loud she answered. "I'm fine. I just need computer."
Planning, that's what she needed to spend her energies on now. Not wishful thinking that would get her nowhere.
It was the morning of the second day, and Irina was in much better spirits.
Today is the day I go. And whether I win or lose, whether I live or die, at least I'll be doing something useful.
Fran seemed to be extra happy too, which was saying a lot. Irina wasn't sure why, but she didn't have a good feeling about it. Still, at least she was soon to leave.
Lost in her thoughts, she barely registered the door open. But she did register that it wasn't Fran and her brain went on high alert. Without looking up, she took into account how she knew.
The footsteps were different, not as light as the younger girl's. And Fran breathed different. And smelled different.
Whoever it is must be a male.
Which more than likely could only mean one person.
Slowly lifting her head, she saw that her assumption was correct.
"Alistair." Irina felt a little surprised as his showing up like this, though she didn't show it.
But now Fran's reaction two days ago made sense. She had known he was coming but for some reason didn't want to reveal this to Irina. Why? Did she think that Irina would bolt? And why would she think that?
Shaking the silly thoughts away, Irina spoke again. "Why are you here? Aren't you on Clue Hunt still?"
Alistair gave her a tiny smile, looking her directly in the eye. For some reason, it was disconcerting, so Irina looked away. Then she wanted to curse herself for it. Wasn't she supposed to be tough? Besides, it was just him.
She looked back to see him still smiling at her, but this time he spoke. "Hello Irina. You look well."
She tried to smile back, but her thoughts were going in every direction.
"In answer to your question, the Clue Hunt is over. The Cahill children won, and it was probably a good thing."
Irina could tell that Alastair was trying for an apathetic tone, but she could see the disappointment in his eyes. She understood disappointment. She understood throwing all of your energy into one thing, and then watching it crumble in front of you.
"Give me details. And what about Isabel?"
Alistair gestured to the couch in the room. "It's a long story. Why don't we sit?"
Irina reluctantly did so, though she took a chair beside the couch instead of sitting on it with him.
Alistair shot another smile at her and began, picking up from his letter and going all the way through the end of the hunt, even describing the moments after Isabel was captured - two days ago - and why he had been delayed.
"I spoke with Fran as soon as everything happened but wanted to tell you all of this in person." He explained.
Ah. That explains the girl's panic.
Out loud she said, "Why do you keep me here for two extra days? Why not call when it ended?"
She didn't exactly know why she wanted this information but it seemed important. Her ears had detected a slightly 'off' note in his voice during parts of the story.
An uncomfortable look flickered across the Korean's face but it was gone as quickly as it came.
"I was waiting for everything to settle."
And that's all he said. Irina shot him a doubtful look. "You're lying. Why? And about what?"
"Ah the spy is coming out in you." Alistair smiled again, but this time it was different. Almost affectionate.
Again, she couldn't hold his gaze and hated herself for it. Resisting the urge to go kick a puppy, she channeled her energy to her tone and snapped out, "Well I can't help it. That's who I am."
Then she groaned. "Or who I was. I don't know anymore."
"Yes. A lot has changed in me also over the last couple of months." Alistair muttered.
Irina wasn't sure if he was talking to her or himself, so she said nothing, lost in her own thoughts.
So the hunt was over. All was lost. And now a new threat loomed; a bigger one that Isabel Kabra.
Sighing, she stood, "Well, I guess I'll be going."
"Going?" He echoed.
"I was going anyways, to rejoin hunt. Now I'm going home. To Russia." Irina said, trying to sound confident, unlike she felt.
She wasn't really sure what to feel. So much had changed these past few months. Looking at Alistair, she said. "Thank you."
That was hard to state. But at least it was over with now. She turned towards the door.
"Wait."
Irritation washed over her. She liked good-byes to be simple and she was ready to go. For some reason Irina had felt awkward since Alistair had stepped into the room.
"Why don't you stay for a couple of days?"
Stay?!
She opened her mouth to protest, still turned towards the door when he quickly explained.
"We can discuss more of the Clue Hunt. And we can help each other."
At that Irina did turn, a frown already crossing her face. "Help each other? What do you talk of? I don't need help."
"You may be able to fool a lot of people Irina, but you can't fool me." Alistair's eyes were piercing.
This time she refused to look away though.
He went on, "Your actions in Australia proved to me that you want to change. I do too. But it's hard to do when the disappointment over the Clue Hunt, something we have both poured our lives into, looms over us. It would be nice to have someone around that understands. At least for a couple of days."
I see. He doesn't want to be here alone, surrounded by people who don't understand.
Irina was used to being alone. But something about his words struck a chord inside of her, made something in her brain shout, 'yes, that's what I want too'.
She mulled it over, and then nodded slowly. "Fine. Staying a day or two wouldn't hurt. And I can plan what to do from now on."
To her amazement Alistair's face lit up, "Excellent. We can, what do you call it 'catch up'?"
Irina scoffed, more to cover up the rush of pleasure that his reaction had gave her. Not wanting to dwell on why she just reacted that way, she retorted. "You've been spending too much time around Cahill children."
He chuckled, and she had to work hard to stop her own smile from spreading across her face. Sighing instead, she headed for the door again. "I guess I need to unpack."
A 'day or two' ended up turning into a couple of weeks.
Irina didn't know why she stayed that long. At first it was just getting caught up with the Clue Hunt. It was interesting learning stuff from Alistair's side. And it was nice to be able to talk to someone she trusted. She didn't have hardly anyone in her life like that. And then she told herself she was staying because she wasn't sure where to go after here.
It was a lie though, and she knew it. There were plenty of places she could go, things she could do. But she found out that she didn't want to at the moment. Was it just because things had been so confusing and her life had changed so drastically in the last few weeks? Was it because she felt at a loss due to not being aligned closely with the Lucian branch anymore? Was it because not having a purpose was throwing her off?
Or was it something else entirely?
Something inside of her had softened, and she had a feeling that it had more to do with Alistair than with anything else. Being around him made her more easy-going, made her laugh more. Dare she say it? Made her happier.
And she didn't know how to handle it. Pushing it down only worked for the first few days she had felt the emotions. Now they were getting harder to hide.
But do I want to hide them? Isn't this what I wanted, to feel something again? Something that died with the death of my son?
No more time to think, Fran poked her head into the room. "Hey, Alistair wanted me to get you. He said he's waiting for you to go out to dinner?"
Irina looked at the time and released a swear word. "Tell him I'm coming."
It's not a date. She thought to herself as she looked over her appearance in the mirror and then started down the stairs. He knows this right? And I know this...right?
But as soon as she caught sight of him her heart fluttered. He was so handsome...Gah I do not need these thoughts. Think of all of his annoying traits.
It didn't help though when he turned and smiled at her, eyes flickering across her quickly. Almost too quickly for her to catch, but her spy side caught everything like that.
"Well let's go." She stated, reaching for her coat.
Alistair was right there though, holding it out and helping her put it on. Squashing the warm, happy feeling that it gave her, she pursed her lips together and went back to thinking of how annoying the man was.
So pushy. And annoying with his constant bragging about being Ekat. And really sweet. With all the 'helping save my life' and 'having Fran take care of me' and…
"Irina? Are you ok? You're rather tense."
She looked over to see Alistair already by the door, frowning at her, who was probably standing there with a ridiculous look on her face.
"I'm fine. Ready to go."
He didn't reply but held the door for her as they exited. Irina felt awkward about it. She wasn't used to 'gentlemanly' treatment. Most men were scared of her, or too intimidated to repeat stuff like that once she set one of her glares upon them. But Alistair always ignored her.
Another annoying trait. I must focus on that.
There wasn't much chatting in the car. Irina felt the Ekat's eyes on her several times but kept staring out the window, wondering if she should bring up to him that she was leaving tomorrow.
She had decided that morning that she had to. It just didn't make sense to stay here, hidden away from the real world that she needed to go face. Pretending only got you so far.
But she didn't have to wonder long about bringing it up to Alistair. As soon as the car stopped he spoke. "Tell me what is on your mind Irina. You've been acting strangely all day."
Sighing, she turned to him. "I will. But after we get in and get food."
That way there will be a distraction. She added mentally. I won't have to look at you when I tell you I'm leaving.
She shouldn't care about his feelings, but she did. There was no denying that she cared a lot for Alistair, and she knew it would hurt him when she left. She was sure it was just because he didn't want to be lonely and wanted someone to confide in that understood - like he stated when first asking her to stay. But still, she couldn't stay here forever. Not if she wanted to keep control of her emotions.
Putting her best apathetic expression on, she tried to maintain it all throughout the next few moments as they entered the restaurant, sat down, and ordered. Finally they received their food though and the moment came.
"What a strange time you've picked to talk." Alistair muttered. "Right while we are eating?"
At her sharp look he retracted, "But it's what you wanted so here we are."
Irina fiddled with her straw as she debated how to break the news to him. After a few seconds she decided to just say it. "I'm going tomorrow."
"Going?" He echoed.
She looked up to see him furrowing his brow at her. He couldn't possibly be confused over what she meant could he? But as the silence started to get heavy she realized that he could and let out a sigh. "Going. As in leaving your house and your country and going to Russia."
A flash of something crossed his face but fled instantly. Panic? Disbelief?
She couldn't tell so she went on, suddenly not being able to stop her lips from moving. "I can't stay. What reason is there to stay? I have to get on with my life and let you get on with yours. Hiding away isn't going to help either of us. And-"
"You're going to Russia?"
Hadn't he heard a word of what she just said? Irritated, she snapped out, "Yes. That's what I'm telling you Alistair."
He leaned back in his chair, a frown crossing his face. "But-I-you-I mean, you can't leave."
"And why can't I? I just listed the reasons I must." Seeing his expression fall she added in a gentler tone, "I've enjoyed our friendship. But-"
"Friendship?" Alistair snorted the word out, almost looking angry.
Startled at his reaction, she dumbly looked at him.
"Isn't this all more than simple friendship Irina? Neither of us has discussed it, but we both care about each other very much." Suddenly he grinned, a drastic change from his scowl. "And I know you too well for you to lie to me about your feelings."
What?! Irina's mind immediately went in full freak-out mode, though she concealed it well. Feelings? More than friendship? What has Alistair been drinking?
He smiled wryly at her, and she realized that she must have not concealed her reaction as well as she thought. Or, more than likely, he could just read her too well, like he just said.
Taking a bite of food to distract herself, she chewed it slowly while she thought. Finally, she put her fork down and stated quietly, "So we're both thinking the same way. We both have"- she spit the word out, barely getting it through her teeth, -"feelings. Feelings that are romantic?"
Then she laughed, a dry, humorless laugh as the words settled over her. "I feel like we are having a teenager talk."
Alistair laughed too, but his wasn't so dry. "Well we need to discuss this Irina. Yes, I have those feelings for you, and I thought you did too. Why else would you stay? And open yourself up again? I know that's not how you normally would act, especially after your son."
Her heart panged at the reference to her son. But what he said was true. As usual, his Ekat intelligence was shining through, countering with her Lucian cunningness.
"I want you to stay." Alistair was saying now, eyeing her cautiously. "At least for a little bit longer. I think you need more time to heal, instead of making yourself be tough and face things."
"And what about this-" she made a motion between the two of them, her eye twitching for some strange reason, -"what are we going to do there."
She felt conflicted. One on hand, she longed to feel completion again, the feeling of having someone that she could possibly love and someone who could possibly love her. But the other hand was scoffing, telling her that something like that was unattainable and would only end in disaster like before. Especially, with all that had happened in the last few weeks and months. How to tell him though?
Honesty was the best way to deal with this, she decided.
Taking a deep breath, she stated, "I'm not sure if I'm ready for anything like what we are talking of. Everything is all upside-down right now."
"Why not take a chance Irina? You have taken risks all of your life, because you valued things as important." His voice was firm, but she detected a bit of hurt in it. Then his voice softened a little bit. "I know you've been, what do you say, 'burned' in the past. But closing yourself off will get you right back to where you were."
Irina wanted to be angry at his statement. But on the inside of her she knew he was trying to help her with his bluntness.
Looking him straight in the eye, she relented. "Fine. But just so you know, I think this might turn out not as you expect. I have a lot of things to get through."
"So do I. But why not get through them together?"
And then he beamed at her, sending warmth throughout her body, throughout her heart.
Maybe he's right. Maybe love is what I've needed all along. And companionship, someone to share life's hurts with.
Then, feeling a bit impish - a rare emotion for her - she leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Of course, out here in public she kept it as a peck. But the astonishment on his face was worth the effort, and almost brought a smile to her face.
"Ok. Fine."
He still seemed speechless, so she sighed loudly. "Oh, that wasn't even a real kiss."
Alistair blinked at her. "It wasn't?"
Irina let the smug smile show up now, "I'll show you a real one later. But now I want to order dessert."
She felt amused - another rare thing - as she watched him turn back to the menu and try to act unaffected by her statement.
As she followed his lead, eye twitching slightly again, Irina had another feeling. A feeling that 'completion' may not be so hard to attain after all.
Irina's lingo was extremely difficult to write so if I botched it up please forgive me and overlook it. :D
Aaaand I kept the romance low-key to keep them in character, so I may have to write a '3 months later' or something similar in the future…
PLEASE REVIEW!
