The Unforgiven: Part 4
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Sara slowly bent down and picked up her keys after a few moments and then watched his feet as he continued to walk towards her. When he stopped a few steps away from her she looked up at him and some how found the courage to speak.
" Gil I..I didn't know you were here."
His expression didn't change, and honestly she didn't think she'd ever seen it before. She felt her hands starting to shake again and if she hadn't thought about it she probably would have started to hyperventilate. He scrunched his face a bit and gave a slight nod before speaking, his voice not as cold as she had expected.
"I've been here since right after lunch. I left as soon as I got the phone call that you'd been taken in for questioning on a homicide."
Sara nodded and looked down again and tried to think of what to say to him, she knew that 'I missed you' just wasn't appropriate considering the circumstances even if it was true. Before she could think of something to say he spoke again.
" Do you want me to drive?"
Her head rose up as she heard him speak, surprised that he even wanted to be at that close of a proximity to her at the moment. She nodded and handed him her keys, she wanted cry when her fingers skimmed his knowing that she would probably never feel that again. Once they were in the car he turned the radio off and they rode in silence for a few minutes until he spoke again, this time his voice was cold and he didn't take his eye's off the road as he spoke.
" I didn't stay around the lab to hear all the details but I need to know if you slept with him."
Sara immediately forced herself to hold back tears as she stared intently at the floor board under her feet. She hadn't expected him to be so blunt, but then again she honestly didn't know what she expected. It took her a few minutes to collect her composure before answering him.
" No, I didn't sleep with him. We kissed and then I realized what was happening and I told him that I needed to go home."
Grissom nodded still not taking his eye's off the road and gripped tighter at the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. The rest of the drive was silent, and as they parked in the driveway of his town house she didn't know if she should feel relief or confusion as to why he hadn't taken her to her apartment. He turned the car off and sat there for a few seconds before unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car and she watched as he walked to his door, unlocked it, and walked inside. She let out a shakey breath before finally letting herself out of the car and starting her walk to his door. As she reached for the doorknob she felt sick, knowing that before she went to sleep tonight more than likely a decision would have been made.
Sara walked in slowly and shut the door behind her not seeing him anywhere. Once she heard a cabinet from the kitchen she forced herself to walk that way and watched him as he started a pot of coffee. Deciding it would be best if she left him to be until he was ready to talk she turned and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch placing her face in her hands and closing her eye's. She hadn't noticed that he had joined her in the living room until she could feel his eye's on her from the chair across the room and she forced herself to look up at his gaze. When she spoke she didn't even recognize her own voice as it was soft, yet fragile and cracking.
" Gil I don't know what to say or what to do. I never meant for any of this to happen, and I know you might not believe me but I never intended to hurt you."
He took a drink of his coffee before setting it down on the side table and he leaned forward resting his elbows on his thighs looking down at the floor for a few seconds before looking back up at her.
" I don't know what to say right now Sara. You've been avoiding my phone calls, not returning any messages. I didn't even get the courtesy of having my own wife call me to tell me that she's in trouble."
She hadn't expected him to be so forth coming, but then again it wasn't one of their normal conversations. The fact that he was talking so open with her about his feelings made her feel even worse because she knew that she had hurt him and that nothing she said would make it better. Sara took a deep breath and started playing with her wedding ring before she spoke again.
" Do you want me to leave?"
She listened for a reply and when she hadn't recieved one in a few minutes she decided she should go and stood up. As soon as she started walking towards the door he sat up in his chair and when he spoke his voice wasn't cold at all, it was deep and almost strangled.
" I don't want you to leave, I've never wanted that."
Stopping as she listened to him speak she turned slowly and looked at him not being able to stop her tears again as she talked.
" I don't know what to do Gil, tell me what to do please!"
He instinctively stood and walked over to her and wiped the tears from her face.
" I don't know what to tell you because I don't even know what to do. But I can tell you that I don't want you to cry, and I don't want you to leave. We are going to have to decide if we want to work through this together or...or if we want to go our seperate ways."
Sara knew it wasn't the best idea but she instinctively moved forward and gripped the front of his shirt with both hands and pressed her forehead against his chest sobbing. At first he didn't move, he was fighting with himself on whether or not to comfort her. He knew that she was hurting and obviously regretted her decisions but he was hurting too, and he was mad that she would turn her back on him in the way that she did. Unable to force himself to just stand and watch her breaking down he slowly moved his arms tightly around her and leaned his head down resting his face into her hair and closing his eyes. They seemed to stay like that forever, and when she had finally stopped crying he gently started rubbing her lower back. She slowly moved back and looked up at him before she spoke with tears still fresh in her eye's.
" I hated not answering everytime that you called but I couldn't. Everytime we say goodbye and I lay there at night sleeping alone I feel more empty inside than the night before. You love what you do, and you gave up so much for me that I can't even think about asking you to stay here with me but that's what I want. I want to be able to come home and lay down at night with you next to me and wake up seeing you in the morning."
Her tears were now free falling and she didn't try to conceal them. She was so mentally exhausted that there was nothing left for her to try and hold onto. Hearing her words he took a step back, not knowing how to respond. They had always been different emotionally in the relationship and it was something that they would always have to work on and they both knew it. He sighed and rubbed his face pondering the new information that she had just told him.
" Sara I...I wish you would have told me this when you first felt this way. Believe me when I say that I do miss you, and I miss being together. I just didn't know that it was effecting you this bad, if I had known I would have looked at other options work wise."
There was silence in the room as they stood there neither knowing what else to say when he did the only thing he knew how to do. He simply turned around walked away down the hallway and once in the bedroom he sat on the bed trying to figure everything out in his head. When she hadn't followed him he looked up towards the doorway and took a deep breath.
" Sara come in here please."
After he had walked away she felt completely defeated. He had always ran before and she had wondered if the seperation would make him lean towards his old tendencies of running away instead of facing problems head on. When she heard him calling for her she stood still wondering if she should just leave and get it over with or if she did go to him what he was going to say. Fighting her thoughts she slowly made her way down the hallway and walked into the bedroom standing infront of him. He looked up at her and held out his hand quietly. Sara didn't hesitate and took his hand and let him pull her down to sit next to him on the bed before leaning over and placing her head on his shoulder.
As they sat there both listening to the silence he finally spoke.
" Maybe we should both get some sleep. I'm exhausted from flying and everything that's happened today, and I know that you have to be too. I would feel better if we were both rested and had some time before making any decisions."
Sara moved back and looked at him and started wondering if she would be sleeping on the couch tonight but before she had a chance to ask him he stood up and walked over to the dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms.
" I'm going to take a quick shower so if you're asleep by the time I'm done I'll try and be quiet when I come back in."
She nodded and waited for him to leave the room before walking over to the closet and grabbing her night gown and slipping into it. Him not minding sleeping in the same bed with her gave her a little hope for the outcome of their talk tomorrow but she knew didn't necessarily mean anything. She moved over and laid down sighing as she closed her eye's and took in his scent on the pillow. He had told her that while he was gone he would like her to stay at his house but just like the phone calls being in his house just had reminded her of how he wasn't there so she decided staying at her apartment was the best idea.
Her body and mind were both exhausted but as she listened to the shower running she became nervous knowing he would be coming to bed soon. She thought about how they usually were at night. She would sleep with her head on his chest while he held her close, and when they woke up she was normally on her side with his arm around her. But she knew tonight would be different, and as she heard the water turn off she rolled over with her back to the door and closed her eye's hoping he would think she was already asleep.
As he walked into the bedroom he saw her and thought that she must have already fallen asleep. He was glad, he knew she had to of been tired after the events of the day, even if she had hurt him he loved her and he knew he would never stop loving her. Moving to the bed he slid under the covers and rolled over facing her back and held back the urge to scoot closer and wrap his arm around her like he normally would have done. He had never been in a situation that confused him as much as this did. He wanted to be able to tell her to leave, he wanted to be as far away from her as possible yet he couldn't tell her to leave, and he didn't want to be away from her even with what she had done. He wanted to hold her, and tell her that he loved her but he couldn't. Sighing he rolled over putting his back to her and stared at the wall for what seemed like a few hours before finally allowing his mind to calm and he finally fell asleep.
