Regrets
Chapter 4
Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko
Jamie and Eddie saw the early morning light come in through the hospital window. They had slept on and off throughout the night and Jamie felt and knew that Eddie had some pain. When she slept and tried to move, her face would scrunch up in pain and he heard her moan in pain. Yet thankfully she still slept through most of her pain. He had tried to shift and even attempted to get off the bed a few times but her hand gripped his arm each and every time. It was as though she didn't want to let him go. He understood the feeling. He never wanted to let her go either. He had needed a wake- up call and her getting shot – while scary – had been the push that he needed to stop overthinking their relationship and finally just act on it.
"Good morning…" Eddie said, as she moaned in pain once again. "I think I may need more meds." She stammered out. While waking up next to Jamie was something she was elated about, her pain had been bothersome during the night. Both the doctor and Jamie might be right. She will need some time to recover before going back to work pain free. She just hoped she had the patience to stay home.
"Let me call the nurse." Jamie said, immediately getting out of bed. Her verbal acknowledgment propelled him into immediate action. He didn't want Eddie to feel any pain. And while he knew that would be impossible, being able to minimize it was his top priority right now.
"Can I at least get a good morning Eddie?" she said, as she smiled slightly.
"Good morning…" Jamie said, as he smirked and headed back to the bed, slightly scratching the back of his head. He bent down and took her lips in his. "Sorry…it's just that most of the night I knew you were in pain. And I want you to have some relief."
"I know." She admitted. "And trying to get out of bed as well. I could feel you trying to slip away." Eddie finalized, with a smile on her face and a peck to Jamie's lips.
Jamie laughed at that. "Geez. Here I'm trying to see if I can spare you pain and you're inflicting pain on me because I was trying to be thoughtful."
"Reagan…" Eddie started. "Shoot me…I wanted you in bed with me. I just…" Eddie suddenly stopped when she saw Jamie's face. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"The phrase 'shoot me' has taken on a very negative feeling for me. Not even joking do I want to think about shooting you, or you being shot again."
Eddie nodded her head. "I'm sorry. It is too soon. I didn't think. It's surreal to me, you know?"
"What do you mean?" Jamie asked, as he reached for her hand. Before letting her answer though he continued first: "It's not that it's too soon. It's that I can't fathom it but I can't forget about it either. I don't think I ever will be that scared in my life again. Or at least I hope not."
"It doesn't seem real to me Jamie. Don't get me wrong – the pain, the surgery, falling down the stairs, even the actual shot. They all come back to me in snippets. But I didn't see myself lying in the hospital bed, unconscious. I wasn't the one keeping vigil. If it were you instead of me – being shot that is – I don't know what I would have done. I think I would have crumpled to the floor and not been able to get up."
"I did." Jamie admitted. "Several times. I thought I was losing my mind." Jamie said, slightly shaking his head as thoughts and emotions he felt back then came to the forefront of his mind.
Eddie squeezed his hand. "Do you want to talk about it?" While Eddie knew that it wasn't her fault – what Jamie had gone through – she still felt guilty about what he went through. And knew if it had been her in his shoes – she may have folded. But Jamie didn't. And she loved him for that.
"I do want to talk about it." Jamie admitted. He had expressed his love for her the day before. There was no hiding his emotions from her now. "After I get the nurse. See if she can give you more pain meds."
"That sounds like an excellent idea." Eddie said.
The nurse walked in with Jamie a few minutes later and administered the pain meds. "That should ease the pain soon."
"Thank you." Both Jamie and Eddie said at the same time. The nurse smiled at them and made her exit.
Eddie turned to Jamie and said: "Come here. Sit next to me."
Jamie did as instructed and pulled the chair closer to her.
"Now, where were we?" Eddie asked.
Jamie knew exactly where they had left off. "How I felt like I was going insane." He answered immediately. "How – for a brief second – before the pain set in that I might lose you - I felt that my own life and my own heart had stopped. I couldn't breathe once I realized you were shot."
Eddie just looked at him and was about to speak when he continued: "I was in a panic. The ambulance, getting to the hospital, it's all a blur. But I do remember having to have two security guards grab me by each arm because I was fighting with the nurses and the doctor to let me into the operating room."
"Jamie…" Eddie said, as she felt her eyes fill with tears. Looking at Jamie, it seemed like he was transported back to that date and time and reliving it was making him feel it all over again.
Jamie continued: "I don't even know when my family got here. Or how long it took them. My heart was beating so fast. I thought I was having a heart attack. But I stood grounded and quiet. Because speaking out loud was impossible. I actually feared if I opened my mouth, I would only be able to wail. So, I kept it shut. And that's when I realized – that it didn't matter. I didn't give a shit about the job, or what they would say, I had to tell you how I felt before it was too late."
"Jamie…" Eddie said, once again. "Come here." Jamie leaned his head into her and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him as he let out a ragged sigh.
"I'm so sorry." Eddie said. "I'm the one that was shot but you were the one that had to live with the torment of not knowing what was going to happen to me. And I think that may be worse. I love you." She admitted, as she kissed the top of his head. "And I am here. And I will make a full recovery. And we got to say to one another how we felt and moving forward – come what may – we are going to be together. I promise you…Jamie look at me." Eddie instructed. Jamie raised his head to look into her eyes, He saw the emotion and the tears inside of them. "I promise you – whether we are on patrol together or not, I am going to be careful and I will be as safe as I possibly can. I know this scared you. It would have scared me if I thought I might lose you. But honey, I'm right here and you're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere."
"And you'll be honest and tell the doctor and me if anything still hurts. And you won't go back to work till you're 100%?"
"I promise you." She said. "I will not return to work until the doctor says so."
She bent down and sweetly kissed his lips. "Happy?"
"Yes." Jamie replied, as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He let out a sigh of relief. She had promised to be careful and that was all he could ask for. "I love you." Jamie found himself telling her.
"I love you." Eddie declared. "I have for a long time."
"Me too."
"You know it's funny." Eddie started. "We just got together. We just told each other 'I love you'. And it seems like we have been together forever. Like we skipped the first few dozen dates."
"Well for sure the first couple awkward ones. And then the ones in which we wonder when and how we are going to say the I love you's."
"Ha! Well we didn't skip those because I know I wondered when and how – or if ever – I would get the chance to tell you after I woke up and after Barry left and after your family skedaddle out of here yesterday."
Jamie nodded his head in agreement as he smirked. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But that wasn't a date per se…"
"Oh don't go all lawyery on my babe." Eddie laughed out loud and then smiled: "So you love me right?" Eddie smiled, sheepishly.
"Yes..." Jamie said, as he raised his eyebrows. He had a feeling a request was coming in a few seconds.
"So, feed me!" Eddie muttered, triumphantly. "And not hospital food Reagan! Like a bagel with the good cream cheese at least. And real coffee! Like an extra-large coffee."
"How about bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant?"
"I knew I loved you because you were brilliant!"
"And the strongest coffee?"
"Get out of here already!"
Jamie laughed out loud. "I'm going babe. I'm going." As he leaned in, kissed her and made his way to the door.
Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko
Eddie spent an additional four days in the hospital. And each night Jamie stayed with her and she slept wrapped in his arms. They did separate a few times a night as the nurses checked on her but they smiled at them and let Jamie get back into bed with her. The nurses were familiar with Eddie and Jamie on the job and off the job. Off the job because this was the hospital where Linda worked. And although she took care of Jamie and Eddie and whomever they brought in, Linda always shared with them how much her family meant to her. And on the job because after Linda's tragic death they had been the ones to help Jamie and Eddie when they needed help.
"I can't believe I get to go home today." She told Janet, her morning nurse. "I am going crazy here. Not that you all haven't been wonderful."
Janet laughed: "But you want to go home with your beautiful partner and apparently now your man."
"Yes." Eddie admitted, as her face lit up at the mention of Jamie's name. "He's been great. But I want to be at home, in my bed."
"Mmmm...hmmmm." Janet said, as she laughed. "I expect you to be discharged around noon."
"Thanks again." Eddie said.
"And I know you have deduced this from your surgery and also from the fall, you are not to have any extenuating activity for the next few weeks. The doctor will have more information for you. But basically, if it hurts don't do it."
"Even as much as I want to do some activities."
"Exactly. So where is our handsome Jamie today? I am surprised he is not here."
"He had to get my apartment ready with groceries and some other stuff. I am not so sure how much I can manage. Maybe go pick up my prescriptions and then straight to my couch."
"Yes, you need to take it easy."
"10-4" Eddie winked at Janet, as she saw her head to the door and smiled to herself. She had waited for five years. She could wait a little longer. She was still over the moon that her and Jamie had finally admitted to one another their true feelings. Sex? While she was feigning for it, who was she kidding, she could wait a bit longer. As long as Jamie slept by her side. She would be all right.
She reached for her phone. Jamie had left about an hour ago and as sappy as it sounded, she missed him.
E – Uhmm…can you please buy some Oreos?
J – Uhmm…already went to the grocery store but you're in luck! I bought you some.
E – Really? You know me so well…
J – And I got ice cream but no worries, I got healthy snacks and food too.
E – :-(
J – Ha! Ha! See you soon honey. I'm on my way to my dad's for a bit but will be there to drive you home.
E – Nurse said I should be discharged by noon.
J – I'll be there way before then. Love you.
E – Would you think me too sappy if I told you that I miss you?
J – No. Cause I miss you too.
E – Get here as fast as you can. Luv u!
Jamie arrived at his dad's house and smiled. He knew that he had to talk to everyone in his family but he felt that the first family member – and the one aside from Danny – that may be easy to dissuade was Pop.
"Pop?" He muttered as he opened the door.
"In the kitchen Jameson." Henry said.
Jamie walked into the kitchen and saw his grandfather sitting down reading the paper and having a cup of coffee. "It's so good to see you. How's the lovely Edit?"
"Better Pop. I am going to go and pick her up around noon. She's finally getting to go home."
"Will you be joining her there?" Pop asked, as he raised his coffee cup and smiled.
"Yes." Jamie said, without hesitation. "I told her how I feel and she feels the same way. There's no reason to wait anymore. Or to take things slow. I'm all in. She's all in."
"What does that mean for your partnership?" Henry asked. "You know you can't work together anymore."
"That's just it Pop." Jamie said, as he served his own cup of coffee. "I have been in love with her for years. And it hasn't hindered my protecting her and putting the job first. She has been in love with me as well and I know that she has my back 100%. I am sure we can make both work."
"But now that it's out there and not the elephant in the room can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you don't think things will change?"
"Yes, I can. I have no doubt about it."
"Jameson…" Pop started. "Come on son. What if you guys have a fight? What if you guys are not talking to each other? What if you're more concerned with saving her than you are a civilian?"
"We can do this Pop. I know we can. And I want your support. Or at least you willing to listen to my – our – side of the story."
"There are rules Jamie. Partners should not be in a physical or emotional relationship."
"But many are…"
"And there's repercussions to that isn't there? You and Eddie have waited this long because you wanted to do the right thing. Finish it son. Finish doing the right thing." Jamie was about to protest but Henry put his hand out. "Just think about it son. That's all. And I promise I will think about it as well. If anyone can pull off a partnership and a relationship it's you and Eddie. But if you're in for the long haul, then start your romantic life with Eddie and work will take care of itself. With another partner."
"I feel that I would be lost without her in the RMP." Jamie confessed. "That is where I got to know her deepest secrets. Where I found out about her insecurities. Where I fell in love with her. Where I have fought with her. Where she has taken me to the brink of insanity then brought me right back. Where I have wanted to kiss her, kill her, strangle her, hug her, hold her in my arms and comfort her. All in the span of a day. We have formed a life in that RMP."
"I get it Jamie but wouldn't you rather have her in your life – as your girlfriend, fiancé or future wife? See what life would be like with her in your personal space?"
"I do want to marry her Pop. I wanted to ask her as soon as she opened her eyes if I'm honest with myself."
"Jamie…you guys haven't even dated." Pop scoffed.
"Oh, we have." Jamie shrugged his shoulders. "Even though we dated other people we always seemed to come back to one another. Our other relationships never worked out but us? Together? We always had a good time and started spending more and more time together. I call that time dating. After our first year riding together I wanted to be with no one else. Eddie was all I thought about and Eddie was all I wanted."
"I guess you're right Jamie." Pop acknowledged. "So, you're sure? You want to propose?"
"Yes. And soon."
"Okay." Pop said, laughing out loud suddenly. "I am so proud of you son. And you have my support Jamie. Anything you need. I believe in you and in Eddie. If you tell me you can handle being both in a relationship and as partners, then I will advocate for you. God knows after this talk how anyone can think any differently than you do is beyond me."
"Really Pop?" Jamie asked, a smile forming and reaching his eyes.
"Yes. But you have to think strategically Jamie. Find the rule. Read it and analyze it. Then come with several solutions and scenarios. When you go to Frank or when we go to Frank we need to be prepared. I personally would rather know what we are up against."
"I will start my research Pop. I promise. And I promise you, you will not be sorry for supporting us. We will not let you down Pop."
Pop just smiled and approached Jamie and leaned in a for a hug. "You deserve happiness Jameson. And I think that your happiness is so intertwined with Eddie's that without her you couldn't be happy."
"You got that right." Jamie acknowledged. "She is my everything."
Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko
