Seb woke up to sunlight on his face, and he blinked against it, momentarily confused on where he was. Then he saw the red tartan material overhead and it clicked that he was in the Paris hotel, Kurt curled up against his side, still asleep.
He looked over to the bedside table, and his phone wasn't there. His stomach clenched, and he eased out of the bed as quickly as he could, without jostling Kurt. Running across the suite, he scanned every surface until he finally saw his phone, and snatched it, clicking to view the home screen.
With a sigh of relief, he sunk onto a nearby high back chair, and closed his eyes. His thumping heart started to slow down. He could feel the knot of worry that had been building in him for so long starting to unwind. It had been a full year now, with no time loops. It was a milestone, somehow, a feeling of being slightly safer from another one occurring, the further he got away from them. Were they done forever now?
"Sebastian…"
Opening his eyes, he turned his head to the bed. Kurt was lying on his side, looking over at Seb, and beckoned him to return.
He nodded, walking back and putting the phone on the bedside table before he got under the covers. Lying down, he gave Kurt a careful smile. What was his mood today, after everything they had talked about last night?
Kurt sat up, turning to face Seb, his big blue eyes looking for answers. "It's like that every morning, isn't it? Wondering if it happened again? That's why you always have that expression…" He was nodding to himself, putting the pieces together.
Seb took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. It still felt so odd to be able to talk about this. "Um, yeah. Every day. For about six months, I was waking up in that damn Boulder hotel room, and my phone said it was February 2nd. It's almost a compulsion now to check the date first thing when I wake up."
Nodding, Kurt stretched out along Seb's side, pulling the covers around them, and tucked his head against his shoulder. "I can't imagine what that must have been like. Feeling powerless. Not even knowing what had caused it, or how to change anything."
Looking down at Kurt in surprise, Seb nodded. It was the first time Kurt had made a comment like that, like he believed his story. Putting himself in Seb's shoes. "Um...yes...I still haven't figured it out. A year later."
Kurt's eyes held a mixture of his old warmth and compassion, mixed with his innate way of watching people, seeing people. Seb hadn't bothered trying to lie to him in the past year, even about the tiniest thing. He had used evasion and diversion instead, but only about this.
"I don't know if it was the jet lag, or the sounds of Paris outside, or just needing time to think… but I woke up last night to go to the bathroom, and ended up sitting on the window seat, just thinking about everything for a hour or so." Kurt said softly, his eyes downcast.
Fear of what Kurt might say made Seb tense slightly. But then again, Kurt was cuddled with him, talking…that was a good sign, wasn't it? "Um…and did you come to any conclusions? Do you have any questions?"
Kurt looked up, his blue eyes seeming bright in the morning light as they captured Seb's. "Sometimes, it helps to just boil things down, simplify them, to the essential questions. In the end, there are three possibilities."
"Three possibilities…" Seb repeated, urging Kurt on.
Sitting up cross-legged beside Seb, the covers pooled around his waist, Kurt looked down at his boyfriend. "Yes. The first is that your story isn't true, and you think it is. That would mean you are crazy. But I know you well enough now to know that isn't so."
Seb nodded. It was a relief that Kurt dismissed that possibility. "And the second…?"
"That your story isn't true, and you know it isn't. That would mean either you made it up to hide something else, or it's all some elaborate joke." Kurt sighed, his hand stroking along Seb's shoulder. "And I know you well enough now to know when you are lying or joking. You aren't doing either about this."
His heart started to thump again, as he tried to breathe normally while holding Kurt's gaze. "So that leaves…"
Kurt bit his lip, looking towards the window that was letting in the morning sun. He took a couple deep, slow breaths before he looked back at Seb, his expression troubled. "That the story is true."
The words made Seb exhale quickly, releasing the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. Relief was there, but also concern, since Kurt still seemed uneasy with what he had said.
Taking his hand, Seb lifted it to his mouth, pressing a fervent kiss to the back of it. "I am so happy you have said that, Kurt. But I know you too, after all this time together. I know you have thought it through carefully, logically, and your mind has come to this conclusion. But…"
Kurt stilled, his eyes searching Seb's. "But…?"
Sitting up, Seb mirrored his position, taking both of his hands and giving them a squeeze as he leaned in for a light kiss. "You may know it's true in your head, but you don't yet in your heart. It will take time for you to fully accept this, to know deep down that it is true. I want you to take all the time you need for this, and I won't push or rush you."
Sebastian knew this was it. These next few days or weeks were delicate, fragile. The wrong word, the wrong action, and everything they had built could break. The truth had cracked it, and only time could heal it, fed by openness, trust, and complete honesty.
Dropping his gaze to their clasped hands, Kurt shook his head. "But it's not fair. Not fair to you. You didn't cause this. You were caught up in something beyond your control, and somehow came out the other side. I get why you couldn't tell me about this before now. Too soon, and I wouldn't have known you well enough to reject the other possibilities, and doubt would have eaten away at me over time."
Seb dropped Kurt's hands to cup his face, lifting it to his, unable to resist giving him some soft kisses at those words. "The world isn't always fair. When it first happened, I wondered if I was cursed. What I had done to deserve it. I wasn't an angel before that, but I wasn't a devil either."
"No. It's not in your nature to truly hurt anyone." Kurt agreed.
"But then I woke up that morning with you, and I haven't thought of myself as anything but blessed since then. Going through all that brought me to you, and I would go through it all again if I had to for that." Seb meant every word, holding Kurt's gaze, letting him see in. Nothing held back.
Kurt's eyes widened, and then he was blinking hard, leaning in to nuzzle against Seb's chest. "Fuck, Seb." His voice was wobbly, and Seb could only hug him tight, practically in tears himself.
Emotions had run high that morning, and they clutched each other, letting everything settle, until their hold loosened.
Seb pulled back, his gaze tender on his boyfriend. "Look, let's just go out an enjoy Paris, enjoy our holiday. The door is open though, for any questions you have, as they come up. Anytime, anywhere…just ask me."
Kurt nodded. "Got it." His smile was warm, even though his eyes still showed his emotions were all stirred up.
"So, where should we go today? Shopping? A boat ride on the Seine? Wander around Montmartre? It's your pick." Seb said, keeping his tone upbeat.
Thinking it over for a minute or two, Kurt gave a little shrug. "How about we check out Notre Dame? It looks like a nice sunny day, and there is supposed to be an incredible view from the bell tower."
…
"The line is so long, Daddy..."
Sighing to himself, Seb turned away from the tired family standing behind Kurt and himself, and tried to focus on the beautiful ancient architecture of the gothic cathedral before them. Seb was determined to make it a good experience for them both. The whining, tired ten year old wasn't helping.
Kurt was intent on his e-reader, deep into a juicy mystery that was set in Paris. He wasn't in a talkative mood, so Seb was giving him some space. He seemed mostly to be ignoring the annoying girl, but Seb had caught a small eye roll or two.
The girl was dressed in a purple jacket with a pink backpack covered in pictures of Disney princesses. Her dark hair was barely visible beneath her matching pink knit hat. She was yanking on her father's arm, trying to get his attention, with whines and mumbled complaints.
Her parents looked exhausted, clearly already tired out by their sightseeing. The mother dug around in her purse and then handed the girl a granola bar, which the kid gobbled down in under a minute. It didn't keep her mollified long.
"Daddy...can we go somewhere else? This is so boring. Just another old church."
Seb gritted his teeth, wondering if they should also follow the girl's suggestion and leave. Come back another day when it wasn't so busy. The line seemed to hardly be moving.
But they were already here, and they had plans for the other days. Might as well wait it out.
Turning sideways, he watched the annoying girl, remembering being dragged to things like this by his parents at her age. Looking up to the top of the towers, Seb exaggerated his motions a little, tilting his head from side to side.
Before long, the girl was giving him a funny look. "What are you doing?"
Giving a little bit of a smirk, Seb glanced back at her. "Looking for the Hunchback, of course. He lives up there, right?"
She gave a small chuckle, looking upwards at the ancient building, not seeming too convinced. But at least she wasn't whining anymore.
"Don't you remember the movie? That scary old dude makes him live up there, hidden away from everyone, ringing the bells." Seb kept looking upwards as he spoke. "I liked when he slid down the rain gutter, and sat on the gargoyle, singing..."
She shot him another look, a little more amused this time. "A singing hunchback?"
"It's a Disney movie. Everybody sings. I remember him looking out over Paris, and singing, 'A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew, but when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you...'" Seb sang softly to her, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Kurt give him an amused glance.
She harrumphed. "That's from Aladdin."
"Oh yeah..." Seb could tell she was almost laughing, and didn't mind making a bit of a spectacle of himself. He made a pondering expression. "What was that song? I can almost remember it… Oh, I know now... 'I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see them dancing, walking around on those, what do you call 'em?'"
"'Feet'. That's from Little Mermaid." She shot back.
Seb knew he heard a couple giggles from the girl that time, and much preferred them to her whining. "Can you help me? I can't remember the song."
She grinned shyly at him, but shook her head.
Looking upwards, Seb thought some more. "I remember him looking down at the townspeople, wanting to be with them. 'Little town It's a quiet village, Ev'ry day, Like the one before, Little town, Full of little people-'"
"That's from 'Beauty and the Beast'!" The girl interrupted, giggling.
"Oh, shoot...you are right!" Seb grinned her way.
He kept up the game, singing a few lines from other Disney songs. Usually, the girl would shout out the answer quickly. Sometimes, she didn't know it, and her parents eventually gave it.
The line moved slowly along, and then up almost four hundred steps to emerge at the roofline. The Eiffel Tower in the distance, the Seine below, gargoyles perched around everywhere.
By then, Seb was singing 'I Wanna Be Like You' from the Jungle Book with his new friend.
"Mister, can I get a picture with you?" The girl asked, resisting when her parents tried to tug her along.
The father shot Seb a questioning look, "Would that be OK...?"
"Sebastian." He supplied.
The girl giggled, and he playfully glared at her. "Do you have a problem with that?"
She smirked. "It's the name of the crab in Little Mermaid!"
"Maybe I'm named after him." He winked at her, and did his best imitation of the crab's lines. "Now, we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best! You gotta bat your eyes, like this." He batted his eyes at Kurt.
"You gotta pucker up your lips, like this…" Seb said, sticking his lips out as far as he could as he said it, and was almost smirking when he heard her laughing.
Kurt grabbed his head, and planted a big, noisy kiss on him.
Seb made a shocked face when Kurt pulled back, and looked down at his new friend. "Oh my god! It worked!"
That had her laughing hard, her parents joining in, and obviously not disturbed at all by Kurt and Seb being a couple. It wasn't long before her parents were posing her between Kurt and Seb in front of the view, a huge grin on her face. After they took the pictures, the father pulled Seb to the side. "Thanks so much for entertaining Matilda. She normally hates historic sites like this."
They exchanged email information, so the father could send him a copy of the picture, and pretty soon, the family was heading down the stairs, Matilda giving them a big smile as she waved goodbye.
Grabbing Kurt's hand, Seb gave it a squeeze as they looked back out over the breathtaking views together.
…
Seb took a bite of his cassoulet, savouring the subtle blend of herbs. As he reached for his wine glass, he caught Kurt giving him a speculative look.
"What? Do I have sauce on my chin or something?" He rubbed his cloth napkin over his lips quickly.
Chuckling lightly, Kurt shook his head. "Nothing like that. I was just pondering how you got to know Disney songs so well. Did you watch the movies a lot as a kid? Belong to a choir?"
Rolling his eyes a little, Seb wasn't too surprised Kurt was teasing him about this. He had seen Kurt sneaking glances at him with Matilda, his eyes dropping back to his book whenever Seb looked his way.
"I told you I belonged to an a cappella group in high school." Seb shifted in his chair, and took a long sip of wine.
Kurt's sharp eyes pinned him, and he gave a dismissive scoff. "I doubt they featured Disney classics. Come on, 'fess up. If you didn't watch them as a kid, then when?"
Sighing, Seb knew he would have to tell the truth, no matter how embarrassing. "Um, last year, um...during the loops..."
Kurt outright laughed at that, his musical chuckles making other diners turn their way with grins. "So, faced with infinite time, you decided it was an opportunity to brush up on your knowledge gap in that area?"
"It was Garrett's fault! He got me hooked!" Seb shot back defensively, and then looked away, realizing how dumb those statements sounded.
Reaching across the table, Kurt squeezed his hand consolingly. "It started with 'The Lion King', and before you knew it you were singing 'Hakuna Matata' in the shower without even realizing it?"
Seb shot him a glare from beneath lowered brows. "It means no worries, for the rest of your days."
Usually, Seb was the one who smirked the most, but Kurt was challenging that tonight. "Garrett is the stoner guy, right?" Seb had introduced Kurt to him when they met in passing in Boulder, just like he had with everyone else he knew a little too well in that town, downplaying it to not rouse Kurt's questions.
Seb nodded, knowing it would be better to just come clean. "I guess I was a bit blue, probably over you, and went to hang out with him. We smoked up, and he put on this scene he said was really freaky to watch when messed up."
"'Pink Elephants On Parade' from Dumbo?" Kurt laughed, loving bugging his boyfriend.
Seb squirmed in his chair, and dropped his eyes as he mumbled "No, 'Everybody Wants to Be a Cat'."
That set Kurt off, laughing so hard he had to excuse himself to go to the washroom, so he wouldn't bother the other diners.
Seb ate his dinner, a little tempted to do something to Kurt's in retribution, but resisted the urge. The problem with telling the truth was it didn't always show your best side.
The corner of Kurt's lips kept pulling into a bit of a smirk when he sat back down and resumed eating. Seb avoided his gaze, just wanting to finish his meal in peace.
It was only when they were sharing cheesecake over coffee that Kurt spoke again, calmed down a little more. "So, watching that scene from 'The Aristocats' started it all. A 'gateway' clip, if you will, that got you trying out other Disney movies?"
"Maybe." It was all Seb was willing to admit at this point, heartedly tired of the whole topic. "Look, it started out just watching certain scenes, and then he'd show me more, and before I knew it we were watching whole movies. He owns them ALL. But sitting in some stoner's basement watching old kids movies was a lot better than other stuff I could have gotten into."
Kurt tilted his head to the side a little. "Oh, I assumed you were still doing all that too. Didn't you say you were on gay hookup apps a lot?"
Seb shot him a glare, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was, having a great time, until you screwed that up entirely."
"Me? What did I do?" Kurt chuckled again, amused by everything tonight, it seemed.
Closing his eyes, Seb regretted bringing it up. Well, he couldn't evade talking about this now. He looked back at Kurt with a small sigh. "I tried for months to woo you, date you, but it only got as far as going out to dinner and hanging out at the Dead Guy festival. A couple hot kisses and a date planned for the weekend. So frustrating."
Kurt nodded, seeming intrigued.
"When I finally gave up, I tried hooking up with a different guy, but it didn't work. I just wasn't into it." Shrugging one shoulder, Seb finished off his coffee. "I knew I had no chance with you, and I was pretty depressed for a while. Garrett and those movies helped pull me out of my funk."
Kurt paid the bill, and took Seb's hand as they left the bistro. "Well, I'm just glad Garrett was introducing you to that stuff, and not stuff that could really harm you."
Seb shuddered at the thought. On his lowest days, he probably would have been open to trying hard drugs, knowing the physical effects would be erased by the time loop. Could he have gotten addicted to the feeling though, the high and the detachment from everything?
They caught a taxi, snuggling in the back, and Seb relaxed against his boyfriend. This was much better than he had expected the day to go, after the intense discussion last night. He'd take Kurt in his arms, happy and humming softly as he nuzzled closer, anytime.
As they neared the hotel, the tune he was humming became a little louder, and Seb glared at Kurt. "That's 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight?'!" He poked Kurt hard in his side.
Kurt squirmed away, laughing, trying to grab Seb's fast hands as things dissolved into tickles and poking him wherever he could.
...
-A/N: OK...there were a lot of Disney references in this chapter... I hope it worked OK. I think I needed something lighter for the boys after all those hard discussions they had.
-French Mystery Novel: Kurt is reading 'Alex' by Pierre Lemaitre (2011), winner of the CWA International Dagger award. "Set mostly in Paris, the book challenges expectations about aggression, gender and the conventions of crime fiction itself. This is a book for people who are looking for pace, and aren't upset by graphic violence. The early scenes are gruelling and seem predictable thriller fare until the story twists so dramatically that it leaves the reader breathless." (Goodreads)
-Notre Dame: This medieval catholic cathedral was completed in 1345, and one of the finest examples of French Gothic architecture. It is one of the first buildings to use flying buttresses, needed to support the thin walls as it was constructed. Wikipedia: "Many small individually crafted statues were placed around the outside to serve as column supports and water spouts. Among these are the famous gargoyles, designed for water run-off, and chimeras." These monsters were thought to keep demons and evil forces away from the sacred walls that protect the community of churchgoers, by scaring them away.
-Hunchback of Notre Dame: Victor Hugo published this novel in 1831, 'largely to make his contemporaries more aware of the value of the Gothic architecture, which was neglected and often destroyed to be replaced by new buildings or defaced by replacement of parts of buildings in a newer style'. (Wikipedia) It was set in 1482, and had gypsy Esmeralda capturing the hearts of many men, including the hunchback Quasimodo and his guardian, Archdeacon Claude Frollo. Conflicted by his lust, he ordered Quasimodo to kidnap her, but some of her other admirers saved her. A few plot twist later, she is about to be hanged for a crime she didn't commit, and Quasimodo swings down by bell rope of Notre Dame and carries her inside, safe under the law of sanctuary. I won't reveal what happens after that. 'The enormous popularity of the book in France spurred the nascent historical preservation movement in that country and strongly encouraged Gothic revival architecture. Ultimately it led to major renovations at Notre-Dame in the 19th century led by Eugène Viollet-le-Duc. Much of the cathedral's present appearance is a result of this renovation.' (Wikipedia)
-Disney film version (1996): The plot centers on Quasimodo, the deformed bell-ringer of Notre Dame, and his struggle to gain acceptance into society. The film is considered to be one of Disney's darkest animated films as its narrative explores such mature themes as infanticide, lust, damnation, genocide, and sin, despite the changes made from the original source material in order to ensure a G rating. The song Seb is trying to remember is 'Out There'.
-Everybody Wants to Be a Cat: A jazzy number that gets going around the 1.5 min mark (if you goggle it).. The Aristocats was released in 1970, set in 1910 Paris, 'around a family of aristocratic cats, and how an alley cat acquaintance helps them after a butler has kidnapped them to gain his mistress's fortune which was intended to go to them'. (Wikipedia). The mother cat, Duchess, was voiced by Eva Gabor
