Time first seemed to freeze over before the earth started spinning too fast - so fast he had to wrap a firm hand around the back of the couch to keep himself steady. As suddenly, he lost all control over himself, as if looking down at himself from above without any means to move or react in any way. His vision blurred and tunnelled as a buzzing assailed his eardrums and joined the assault, making it impossible to focus on anything. His heart pounded hard and deep, a strong throb that echoed and mingled with the ringing in his ears. For a moment, that's all he could feel and hear, his every sense flaring up all at once, his brain unable to process any of the information.

The car.

"Castle!"

He thought he heard something, distant and faint but could not get a hold on it, could not find a way back through the ringing in his ears and the thump of his heart as he stared ahead. He felt something grip his forearm hard and tugging and tried to center his attention on it. He followed the warmth spreading along his arm like a cord in the dark until all sounds ceased and his vision cleared on Beckett's face. His dry throat working, he let his eyes run across the worried lines sketched in the corner of her eyes and around her mouth, between her brows, the tension in her jaw.

"Castle, come on, you with me?"

He nodded slowly, his tongue loosening to wet his lips as he swallowed. The hand around his arm eased its hold, but remained there- anchoring him.

"Kate," he choked as he felt his eyes started to prickle and fill, knew that there was no need in trying to fight it. He let out a long breath that came out ragged and jagged, his whole body collapsing and pitching forwards as Beckett swiftly caught him, his forehead hitting her shoulder with a hollow thud.

He felt her arms circle his shaking frame, as each sob clawed at his throat and jolted him further into her, the soft caress of her hand on his back making his chest even tighter - though for entire different reasons.

"Let it go, I've got you," she hummed softly at his ear, a smooth thumb stroking the thin skin behind.

And he did.

Let the weight of five long years crash on him, steal his breath and drown him in his own tears, trusted her to get him back from under.


The drive to the Catskill forest had been uneventful so far, Castle had yet to say a word and kept staring out of the window. It was still early enough but the sun had long started its descent; the sky gradually losing of its orangish shades, to turn to ashes and she didn't like it. She had wanted to wait until morning, but the look in his eyes had told her it couldn't wait. She couldn't have risked saying no only to find out he'd went there alone, because she knew he would have. His incredibly heart-wrenching breakdown had surprisingly cleared out quickly, a fearless drive taking place- she'd seen that dead set glint in his eyes, in the tension of his jaw. Still, they would soon be plunged into total darkness and the forest wouldn't provide any artificial light.

It didn't help that they had no idea what they would find exactly, once there. She hated not knowing, and she was scared that whatever awaited them would be harder on Castle than any of those five years he had spent looking ever had been.

But he needed this.

She had warned the forest rangers and had asked them to bring strong flash lights, so there was at least that.

She angled her face towards Castle, saw that he was still facing his window most probably lost in his thoughts. Tapping her fingers on the wheel, she gnawed at her lip debating whether to break the comfortable silence around them. Instead, she chose to stretch her arm and lie a hand on his leg, squeezing. She herself didn't know what she was doing that for exactly; comfort him, coax him into saying something?

She redirected her gaze on the road that were now plunged in a heavy darkness save for the thick strips of her headlights painting the ground in yellow.

She felt him shift under her hand but forced her eyes to stare straight ahead. She feared she had somehow overstepped when he started to dislodge her hand, but quickly, his hand wrapped around her own and guided them next to him, fingers interlacing. She couldn't help wriggling her finger for a second, his warm skin shooting tingles up her arm as she tried hard not to let out the smile that was pushing and trying to get past her lips. Although she didn't move, she could feel his eyes on her, and wondered what they now looked like- were they of a rainy grey-ish or a stormy blue, had they hardened back into vivid indigo gems, or were they still tormented by his own turmoil.

"What if-" he began, his voice hoarse and breaking – probably because of the salty tears that had burnt his throat, possibly because of how long he had stayed silent. "What if there's nothing?"

Her brow knitted as she cast him a swift look, keeping her focus on the road now that they had reached a tiny stony road. "What do you mean?"

"What if there's no one?"

They had told her they'd found the car but they had found no one, thus why they were heading there themselves. She herself didn't really think they'd find more, it had been a long time.

"Ah. I don't know Castle. What if there is?" She sighed, giving him a small smile as she squeezed his hand.

"I'm not sure if that's something I want either," he let out, his voice so low and so raw. He sounded so tired, she couldn't fathom why she hadn't tried harder to convince him to wait until morning, at least. He had been determined, yes, but that would have deflated eventually.

She couldn't bring herself to say anything, wasn't sure he wanted her to, because what was there to say to that? No one knew what they would or wouldn't find, it could be bad – she wouldn't lie to him, or herself. She had crossed enough yellow tapes to know that, so she let his words ring and echo around them and hoped for the best.


The rangers were standing near what looked to be a wrecked white car, with bright retro-reflective safety jackets, two huge brown bloodhounds lazily sniffing around. Thankfully, they had brought large spotlights that lit up the area miles around, giving the forest a yellowish glow that was far from comforting. She took a moment to assess the place, the thin trees soaring so high above, they all disappeared as they reached the thick fog that started to fall around them in tiny beads. Shuddering, she rubbed her hands together and blew into them as she walked towards Castle who was waiting for her and ah, he apparently had made a friend.

Clearing her throat, she let her lips quirk up as he jolted upright from where he was petting the dog's thick dangling neck, "Aren't you two so cosy," she said, looking between Castle and the dog who was regarding her with sad looking eyes under drooping eyelids.

"My hands were cold," he told her as he shoved his hands back into his pockets with a crooked smile.

Snorting, she bumped her hips into him and snagged a piece of his coat. "Come on, Castle, let's go see what this is about."

At least he seemed to feel better, back to his old antics.

Approaching the two men, she let her eyes roam over the car before extending her arm to the first ranger and facing the second. "Hi, Roger, thank you for this," she said with a closed-lipped smile as she let the man pull her into a short embrace. "This is Richard Castle," she added, casting him a look and almost choking on a laugh at the bewildered expression on his face. "Roger is an old friend of my dad. I remembered he worked around here and had sniffer dogs. Figured it couldn't hurt to try," she said with a shrug.

"Shoulda come to me way earlier, boy! 'Was a real piece of cake for Bill and Jake over there," Roger said, shaking the writer's hand.

Probably hearing their names, both beasts walked toward them with sluggish steps, one of them barrelling into Beckett's legs with a low growl. Shaking her head in amusement, she pat the dog's back and turned to look at Castle who was watching her with a mix of surprise and...awe? She cocked her head at him with a frown, but he faced the ranger and started talking before she could say anything.

"Glad to meet you, though I wish it'd been under different circumstances," he said, his tone incredibly controlled, flat. "You found that car, nothing else?"

"I called Katie as soon as I found it, didn't really look further yet," the man said, nodding in direction of the car.

"How do you know it's my brother's?" She heard him asked quite harshly, felt him going tense beside her and she knew she had to step him. She lied a flat hand against his back, pressing.

"Castle."

"We found an ID, and thought we'd let Katie do her thing."

"And you did good, Roger," she emphasized, pinching Castle's side, but even that did not get any reaction out of him, the man was as solid as rock. In fact, he walked away from her and towards the car without addressing her a word, one of the dogs strolling behind.

First, he looked at her as if she'd brought him the moon, and then gave her the cold shoulder? Fine, she could deal.

He watched as she carefully circled the car and took a few peeks inside, that smooth space between her perfectly shaped eyebrows creasing into a thin line, her long and toned legs purposively avoiding roots and rocks. He hadn't meant to be rude to the man, or her. His feelings were all over the place and he was having a hard time getting a hold of them. He just wanted to figure out whether that really was his brother's car. And at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to look away from Beckett, couldn't shake off the astonishment that had hit him so hard. She'd done this for him, and while he knew she had pulled a few strings for him before – this felt different.

This felt personal.

She'd always gone at such great length for him, and he'd always been a jerk in response.

He walked slowly to where she was kneeling, as she started to search through the driver side of the car. "I'm sorry."

She'd probably heard him, but barely acknowledged him for a few seconds before shrugging as she turned her flashlight on, "Not me you should be apologizing to, Castle," she mumbled as she pushed the front seat forward in order to have access to the back seats. "Not that you have anything to feel sorry for," she added, angling her face to him as a slow smile stretched her lips before she tilted and directed the light in his face, making him screw his eyes shut with a groan.

The laugh that bubbled out of her though, made his eyes pop open. He watched as mirth danced in her eyes like tiny golden flames, the low lightening making her whole face glow, a sly smile teasing the plump lips he'd been so close to taste. He shook that thought off - now was definitely not the time.

"Found anything?" he asked, joining her on the muddy ground, as she resumed her search. She had asked him to stay aside and let her go through the car, in case it would end up being evidence she'd say.

"Mhm, no, not yet," she hummed as she crawled inside, and he watched her upper-body disappear inside the pitch black of the car.

"Thank you, Kate. For- Everything," he said as he sat down his back against the car, "I don't know how- and even if-"

A gasp cut him short, and his head whipped around towards the sound, "Beckett, what is it?"

He watched her retreat from inside the car and sit back on her haunches with a dirty plush rabbit dangling from her gloved hand. She stared at him with wide bright eyes as he stared back with stupefaction.

"That was-" he choked as his throat convulsed around the words, a wave of dread washing over him; his skin started to tingle, and his guts wound and twisted around, his heart hammering hard and reverberating up into his throat, black spots troubling his vision. "That was Eden's."


They had let the two dogs smell the toy for a few seconds, and he had watched them run off their nose sniffing the ground now and then, never wavering, nor showing any sign of hesitation even once. They walked behind them, getting away from the lit area and deeper into darkness. The forest was so uncharacteristically quiet, devoid of any chirping, swarming, buzzing, hooting that everything in him was screaming at him to stay in alert – had him stepping unconsciously closer to Beckett.

It didn't feel right, a silent forest was not a good sign.

"You okay, Castle?"

"Uh?" He turned his head to her, unable to see more than blurred features, though feeling her arm wrap around his own as they walked side by side.

"How can you be so calm?" She inquired, genuinely sounding confused.

He didn't know. He had first felt like running around and shout, just do something - find them. But a part of him knew it would be pointless. And perhaps- perhaps he feared what they'd find.

Or maybe, maybe it was her.

"I trust you."

She nodded. "Do you still want to keep walking? We could let them go and stay back there in the car, you know?"

"No, no." He shook his head fiercely. No way he would stay behind doing nothing, he had to know.

They finally had something, he could not possibly not be a part of it.

He knew she was saying this for his benefit - offering him an out, knew she probably felt the growing tension in the stiff way he held himself, she always noticed things – read into him like in a book.

"Would you stay behind if it was your mom?" he blurted out, only realizing what he had said when he felt her arm tense, when he had to get a hold of her to keep her from falling flat on her ass when she almost tripped over herself. "Kate. Kate, I'm so sorry. I-"

"Stop," she rasped, facing straight ahead once again - regaining her composure, "It's fine, and no, of course not."

Shaking his head, he freed himself from her arm and took her hand, guided them into his pocket. "I wish I'd been there, with you."

She laughed softly, her shoulder swaying into his, and he could picture the way her face most certainly tipped down as she did so often, the image so deeply anchored in his mind he didn't need any light. "Believe me, you don't."

"Why?" He didn't like that tone in her voice, too close to self-reproach than he'd like, and he really hated not being able to see her right now. He yearned to see on her face what that had meant, because why would he not?

"I wasn't the person I am now, Castle," she said simply, her shoulder nudging his own as she shrugged.

"So?"

He didn't understand how that was supposed to be relevant. He knew he wasn't the same now, and they worked well. Would she have rejected him if he hadn't been that man he is now? The one he so desperately tried to bury down.

"So. I don't know that I would have let you in. It wasn't pretty, Castle. I can tell you, I wasn't as gracious as you are."

He snorted loudly, disbelieving. "This isn't a competition, Kate. You were hurting. And, you say that because you didn't meet me five years ago."

She hummed, a balmy sound that travelled through him and warmed him up.

"Am I now? In?" It didn't matter to him what they had been, this is where they were now and he liked it there.

"What do you think, Castle?" she said, her cold hand squeezing his in emphasis. He loved it when she touched him. Loved how stronger it made him feel, as though she was his lifeline, as though nothing could happen with her at his side. She was always so in control, so incredibly composed, yet surprisingly lenient and warm - everything he was not and longed for.

But just as he was about to respond, loud distressed barks echoed up to them, followed by a whistling as almost instantly, high-pitched whines travelled up to them. But the snarling scream that came shortly after made his blood run cold, froze them both on spot as they turned their head to look at each other in the dark.

What was that.

I'm working next week, and in case I forget about the update, I thought I would do it now!

Thank you for the follows, and reviews. I've decided to finish both Ray of Hope *and* Lys - so you might want to check those out!

See you next year, I guess (ha ha) x