Bismuth grunted as she lowered herself down onto the beach. She leaned her head into her hand, waves gently lapped at her legs and seagulls cried out above her yet amidst all the peace of the shore a war raged within her mind. Why had she done that? What right did she have to use Steven as an excuse? And most importantly, why couldn't she tell her? Why couldn't she tell her that she had come so close to shattering her, or why she was there? She sighed, it just didn't get any easier did it?
After being unbubbled Bismuth had tried so hard to make it up to her friends. After all she did...after all, she did they still forgave her. She should still be bubbled, heck she should be shattered for what she did. Opposing Rose Quartz, threatening Steven...leaving them when they needed her the most. If only she hadn't made the breaking point, if only. There wasn't any way they could forgive her. But, somehow, they did and it just made no sense to her. The crystal gems welcomed her back with open arms. Even that scrappy little Amethyst, who she hadn't even known that long, went out of her way to help Bismuth adjust back to daily life. Pearl and Garnet kind of made sense, they were some of her oldest friends, but Steven and Amethyst? Why on Earth would they care about her?
It was all just so much easier when all she had to focus on was winning the war. At least then things made some form of sense. A small crab scuttled in front of her and quickly vanished into the water. It was weird being so close to these small beings. Bismuth didn't fight for the life on Earth like the others did, she fought for the gems who populated it. They were her family, and now most of them are gone.
"Bismuth?" Pearl had somehow crept behind her. Of course, she did, it was Pearl, her delicate step never makes a sound. Pearl peered over Bismuth's shoulder "How did it go at the barn? Steven seemed...upset."
"It's complicated," Bismuth waved her hand refusing to look Pearl in the eye. "I thought things would go well, but well...there was a little bit of a complication with one of the gems there."
"Ugh, It was Peridot wasn't it?" Pearl threw her head back exasperated "I don't know how many times I told her not to make comments about Homeworld and other gems but she just won't listen to me!" Pearl's small rant, loosened some of the tightness in Bismuth's chest and she let out a small chuckle.
"No, no it wasn't her, I never even got to say a word to her." Bismuth's smile slipped off her face "It was uh..it was the Lapis Lazuli."
"Lapis?"Pearl's eyes widened.
"Like I said it's complicated. I'd rather not talk about it." Well, that wasn't completely a lie, Bismuth didn't want to say a single thing, but not saying anything was tearing her up inside. Bismuth could still feel Pearl looking down at her before she could say anything else Pearl sat down next to her and stared out at the horizon.
"I know things can't go back to the way they used to be, but I don't think that matters." Pearl placed her hand softly on Bismuth's arm and looked up at her. "Bismuth no matter what happens, we still care about you. I still care about you. I know, trust me I do, that there's a lot you're still not comfortable with and I don't blame you. What happened between you and Rose was...surprising to say in the least. But Bismuth you're not alone." Pearl leaned against Bismuth's shoulder. "I just thought you should know that, no matter what you could possibly say. No one will bubble you again." Bismuth stared hard at the back of her hand. She sniffled and wrapped her arm around Pearl, pulling her close.
"I've done some terrible things, Pearl. Now I have to face one of the victims." Tears stung her eyes as she continued "I shouldn't have poofed her Pearl, she wasn't even fighting. But, but I wanted to. I stared at this scared, innocent gem and I wanted to hurt her."
"Oh Bismuth…"
"No Pearl, it needs to be said. I wanted to shatter her. AND FOR WHAT!" Bismuth slammed her fist into the ground next to her. "Because she was there? Because she was on their side? Because she didn't stop them front hurting us?! No, I wanted to hurt her because I thought she deserved it. She just looked so lost and it...it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she got to be that innocent in a place where our friends were being destroyed. But now...now everyone is gone."
"Bismuth, thank you."Pearl almost whispered.
"Thank you? Why are you thanking me? I..I…"
"Thank you for telling me how you feel." Pearl gently rested her hand on Bismuth's face. "You've been so isolated since you've come back. It means a lot that you would open up to me about something so difficult to admit. But now you've got to make it right." Bismuth couldn't look away from Pearl's clear, sky blue eyes. They stared through and into her thoughts. Bismuth pushed into Pearl's touch, before pulling away.
"You're right. I just don't know how to say it. I mean really," Bismuth forced a small smile "How many times do you get to apologize for almost ending someone's life? You'd think I'd have some practice after what I did to Steven." The sun had begun to set across the endless sea. Compared to other planets she had worked on Earth was so small, but somehow at this moment, it seemed so big.
"Well after this I'm sure you'll be great at it," Pearl smiled back. "But for now, let's just take a break and talk. So Bismuth...how do you really feel about being back?" Bismuth sighed and pulled Pearl into her lap. They giggled as Pearl rested her head against Bismuth's chest.
"You know I wasn't so sure at first, but I think that I could get used to the new Crystal gems." The sun sunk down deeper into the sky. A soft purple set across the sky and the first stars began to peer out from behind cotton-like clouds and freckle the vast sky. For a moment, nothing existed but Bismuth, Pearl and the waves lapping away at their legs as the tide began to come in and Bismuth was fine with that.
Crickets chirped across the fields and small lighting bugs flitted around the tall grass. The night was quiet and calm for the most part. But a bright flash of icy blue light disturbed the lazy summer night's air. Bismuth steeled herself as she stood on the cool crystal platform deep in the middle of nowhere. She stepped off into the grass and started for the barn. It was finally time to answer Lapis's questions and face what was coming to her.
