A/N: hi everyone it's Emma here. I hope you're enjoying the fic! We're working super hard on it, and believe me things are gonna get real intense real fast. So hang in there and keep reviewing and reading because we appreciate it more than you'd ever know. I'd love to shout out a couple of reviewers but I'm unable to access them as of right now, so just know that I've acknowledged them and I just can't believe how sweet you guys are. Thanks so much for following the fic and we'll see you next Sunday! also hey from becca remember 10 reviews = the next chapter
Rating: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.
Disclaimer: We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.
Summary: As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.
"I got out of bed today, swear to God I couldnt see my face. I got out of bed today staring at a ghost who forgot to float away, didnt have all that much to say." Weighty Ghost | WinterSleep
Eli got up before Adam, because he only had begun to realize the previous morning that both Adam and Drew take a long time in the bathroom. And considering Eli didn't fall asleep very much anyway, getting up at five-thirty in the morning to brush his teeth and stare blankly at himself in the mirror for a while wasn't so bad. Well, not as bad as it would have been if he'd been rushed. It was still pretty bad.
Today was the big day. Yesterday at lunch he and Clare had decided that Fridays, only a few hours before movie night, would be smart and easier. He thought about asking easier than what? But when did Eli ever say what he was thinking?
At lunch on Friday, things were beyond normal. Nobody bothered to mention Eli tutoring Clare after school because they were all wrapped up in discussion over what movie would be watched that evening to prepare Eli for that nights event. Of course, while Adam wanted to watch Iron Man 3, Clare wanted to watch The Kings Speech. It was never a simple decision when it came to those two. In the end, they decided that they were going to watch The Lion King, because, well, as Adam put it:
"It is one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces to this day and if you do not agree with me I do not wish to speak with you."
After school, Clare followed Eli and Adam home instead of walking back to her own house from the bus stop. She had her French textbook pressed up against her chest just like she had when Eli had first met her. It all gave him a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite put a name on. Maybe it was because as he saw the French book in her hands, it gave him the realization that he was supposed to be teaching her this subject. He had never taught anyone anything in his whole life.
Adam set the two of them up at the dining room table. Clare set her book-bag and purse on the floor next to her chair. Eli pulled out his French 4 book from his backpack, setting it nervously down in front of them. How was this supposed to start? Oh God, how did he even think this would be remotely possible?
"So…" Eli whispered. "What are you guys learning right now?"
"Well, right now we're trying to get through subjective with negative and indefinite pronouns."
Clare seemed incredibly on top of everything throughout their entire lesson. Maybe she wasn't, and she was playing some sort of charade to make Eli feel better about himself, but she seemed to understand everything he taught her. She nodded constantly, and took rigorous notes and would ask constant questions. He watched a lot when she was speaking. How when she talked, trying to spit out the words correctly, she'd purse her lips and scrunch up her face and say a sentence quickly, gasping for approval. Eli would always just nod.
Sometimes he would zone out, too. Just because he was looking at her and over-thinking everything. He was so wrapped up in his head worried that he might make a mistake and teach her poorly; that on her next test she'd get a bad grade and he might never see her again. Wait, why was he worried now about not seeing her again?
When five-thirty rolled around, they wrapped up their lesson, ending with a quick c'était super, merci and a oui, bien sûr. vous êtes les bienvenus.
"Can I ask you something?" Eli spoke up as Clare placed her books back into her bags. Clare looked up and nodded, smiling. "Why are you doing so badly in French? You seem smart." Eli quickly took a sharp breath before Clare could answer his question. "Sorry. That was kind of rude. I shouldn't have asked it. Sorry."
Clare laughed a little, almost like a giggle. "It's fine, Eli." He watched as she finished gathering her things together and stood to her feet. "I'm not really sure. I know it's not true, but I like to think my brain is too busy remembering books and poems for me to remember a bunch of French. I want to remember it, I really do – it's just so frustratingly difficult."
Well, with my help, you'll be cruising right through French 2. Eli thought to himself. No, no, that sounded dumb. "I get it."
Goddammit.
"Fucking finally, are you two finished?" Adam strolled in through the kitchen, ham sandwich in his left hand and a bottle of Pepsi Cola in his right hand. "Next time instead of two hours it should be two minutes so I don't have to be so bored."
"Adam Torres if your mother sees you eating that sandwich she is going to kill you." Clare cautioned. Eli suddenly realized that he loved watching her tease Adam. Like she was a mother to him, babying him into his next life. "She's probably making dinner for us!"
"As if he won't be hungry again in twenty minutes." Eli threw in. Both Adam and Clare were surprised by his comment, but welcomed it wholeheartedly. Clare had noticed over the past few days of knowing him, that Eli didn't talk much, but when he did, it was usually worthwhile. He could be funny when he wanted to be, and he seemed to never miss out on an opportunity to tease his cousin properly. Clare smiled, quirking an eyebrow at Adam who only shrugged his shoulders, taking a bite out of the sandwich.
"Shall we?" He asked with a mouthful of food, gesturing to the now open door that led to the basement. Clare walked over to him, rolling her eyes as he flashed her smile, exposing the chewed up sandwich in the attempt to gross her out.
Eli followed the two downstairs, standing back as they fell into their comfortable routine. Clare had made herself quite comfortable on the recliner, smoothing her skirt down with the palm of her hand. Adam was hunched over in front of the DVD player, clicking buttons and sliding the disc onto the tray before jumping onto the loveseat, stretching his body out in such an awkward fashion.
Eli sat on the very edge of the cushion on the couch in the very middle of the room, leaning his elbow against the arm rest and laying his head on his hand. Things got quiet for only a moment, before things got actually very loud.
The two seemed pretty engrossed in the film, and he could tell they've watched it together before. They'd picked out roles for every scene and reenacted them with such precision, you'd think they wrote the script themselves. Eli found himself drifting off toward the middle, his eyes began to flutter shut and he was amazed that his body had relaxed enough to give into what he needed. It wasn't sleep, but it was still nice. The sensation didn't last long. It was only a few moments before he heard Adam and Clare belting out the lyrics to the next song, jarring him from his peaceful state.
Adam threw a pillow at his cousin, shooting him a look of disbelief that he was sure wasn't serious.
"You can't possibly be falling asleep during Can You Feel The Love Tonight." He scolded, shaking his head. Eli pursed his lips in response, not really sure what else he could say in a situation like that.
The movie was nearing its end, and Eli flinched as he heard loud clapping from Clare and Adam as the credits began to roll.
Part of him wanted to speak up, to make some sort of remark about how if Movie Night was anything like this, he'd need to bring ear-plugs.
"Dinner!" Audra called down the stairs and Adam was gone within seconds, rushing up the steps without giving the two a second glance. Clare giggled softly, and Eli looked up to her, the corner of his lips curling into a soft smile that she seemed to appreciate.
The two stood, and Eli stepped aside to let Clare go up first in his strained attempts to be a gentleman. She thanked him, her pale cheeks becoming a soft pink, and he couldn't deny the feeling of pride that washed over him when he realized he'd been the one to make it happen.
Following her up the steps, he found himself wondering. He wondered what her favorite subject in school was, and what she wanted to do as a career. He wondered if she liked music and what her favorite band was.
She was interesting to him. And he found that to be very refreshing.
Adam was familiar; he was simple to figure out. He likes food and comic-books, and he wants to design video games. All that came very clear to Eli.
She could be a teacher, he thought, grabbing a plate from the counter as he took a seat. He was studying her at this point, though he hadn't even noticed. Her features were smooth, and he had a hard time imagining her angry. Though Adam had informed him that Clare was very different from most, she didn't hold back her anger and let it explode all at once. No, she was far too professional for an outburst.
He liked that she wasn't ashamed of being passionate.
A trait that seemed all too common in their generation.
"She likes school. And not in a pretentious way. She's the only person I've ever met who wants to do well for herself, not for the money or recognition." Adam had once said, and it was things like this that left Eli wondering if his cousin had a crush on the curly-haired girl. Though it seemed as though Adam liked to make it very clear that the two had always only ever been friends.
And they liked it that way.
Shaken from his thoughts, Eli looked down at his plate, grimacing at the seasoned chicken she had prepared. His mother had decided to skip dinner, and the very thought of her sitting alone in her room had destroyed any sense of appetite that he might've had.
His mother not at the dinner table spoiled any type of good mood he might have even thought he had been in. Even looking over at Clare failed to lift his spirits. He didn't know what it was about her, he really didn't. There were many things that he liked about her, but he couldn't figure out what the one, key trait that she possessed was that kept him wanting to be around her. Eli truly wanted to know what it was, but doubted that he'd ever find out. Because by the time she'd finally be getting close to him… he'd end up scaring her away.
"Dude, Clare, why don't you just spend the night?" Adam suggested. "Just tell your mom you're staying at Alli's or something. We can watch the second Lion King movie!" He finished his sentence off in a sing-songy sort of way.
"I hate when you kids lie to your parents," Audra murmured. She gathered up the empty plates, though Eli's was still mostly disarrays of cut up chicken and half-eaten peas that rolled around awkwardly while she carried the plate off. She didn't even question to see if Eli was finished, she could just tell. "It makes me wonder what you're hiding behind my back. When you say you're at the mall, are you actually off smoking crack?"
Adam nearly choked on his drink. "Mom, Clare telling her mom she's staying at a different friend's house when she's really staying here is way different than me going to smoke crack at the mall."
"I'm just saying. This whole lying thing makes me uncomfortable." Audra huffed. She glanced across the table at her nephew, who was twiddling his thumbs underneath the table. "Eli, would you help me with the dishes?"
Without a real answer other than a nod, he stood to his feet and followed her into the kitchen, carrying Clare's empty glass of lemonade and Adam's fork that had mysteriously ended up on the carpet.
"Do you like Toronto, Eli?" Audra asked him as they went through the dishwashing cycle. Audra washed, Eli dried, and then they both would put away.
"It's nice." Eli answered.
"Are you making any friends at school?"
Eli shrugged. "Just Adam and Clare."
Audra glanced over her shoulder at the dining room just behind them. Adam was telling some elaborate story, using large hand motions and goofy expressions. She clicked her tongue slightly. "They're in grade eleven but they still act like they're in grade nine. Don't you think you should be hanging out with kids your age, Eli?"
Eli just moved his shoulders up and down, shrugging. As if there was really that big of an age difference between the three of them. And as if Eli would really care, anyway. It was just nice that he could find somewhat friends at all. "I don't know."
"Well, if you'd like I could have Drew invite you to sit with his friends at lunch. I do think it would be nice for you to make friends with people that you won't have to leave next year, you know, when you go to college."
When you go to college. Yeah, if Eli could even make it that far.
They finished up the remainder of the dishes in silence. Well, it was silence for Eli. Audra kept going on, and on about Drew and Adam and school and how things were going to settle down nicely between Eli and his mother. Eli kept bitterly quiet for the time being. He couldn't tell if he was upset or not. More like uncomfortable, but a little upset. She made it seem like it was so easy to make new friends. That hanging out with Drew and his athletic crowd would be a piece of cake. Yeah, right.
"I'm going to bed." Eli said quietly when he walked back into the dining room.
"What! But dude it's only eight-thirty!" Adam cried.
"I know. I'm just not feeling it tonight." Not that he felt it any other night, but more prominently tonight.
Surprisingly, Clare stood up from her chair. "It's all right, Adam. Let him go to bed." She said. Eli blinked.
Clare wasn't going to join in with Adam's protests?
Not that he wanted her to do it, he just… he thought… god, why'd he ever think anyway? "Thanks for the tutoring, Eli. I'll see you tomorrow?"
There was this tense sort of awkwardness that had begun to bloom between the two of them at this very moment. When neither of them were sure if they were supposed to hug goodbye or wave or shake hands or… or what? He stared at her blankly before slowly nodding his head in response. She smiled. It was so warm and friendly of a smile that when he turned and walked away he could still see it burning in the back of his mind.
Adam soon gave in, no longer complaining as Eli slowly made his way up the steps. He supposed Clare left when he heard his cousin shouting a goodbye out the front door, but he didn't bother to check, dragging himself to the top of the stairs.
Eli felt like he was going to be sick, his head had gone nearly numb and his stomach was aching with what he presumed was its way of rejecting the small amount of food he ate.
He clenched his eyes tight at the sudden and painful realization that he was getting bad again, and Eli searched for a place to ride out the bad thoughts.
Making his way into the bathroom, Eli shut the door behind him, his hazy eyes staring intently at himself in the mirror. He didn't break his gaze as he reached back to lock the door, his shaking hands hardly finding the knob.
He shuddered at his reflection, noticing the dark bags under his eyes and his sunken cheeks. Like a ghost, he thought, running his fingers through his darkened hair that fell just a little past his cheek bones.
He was a mess, a teenage tragedy with a story to match, and when he looked at himself this way, it was only made all the more clear.
He tried to think of Clare, and her smile. He found brief sanctuary at the thought, but it was soon torn away from him when he remembered that he couldn't cling to the thought of a smile. He couldn't rely on the girl he hardly knew.
She deserved much better than that.
His breathing became labored when he remembered his father, and how scared he looked when they found the gun.
Bullfrog had tried so hard to get better, and all Eli could do was watch, suffering in silence, because he couldn't pull himself together long enough to be strong for his dad. He clenched his hair in his hands, sliding down the bathroom wall while he took deep breaths.
He saw his mother holding Bullfrog's hand as he went limp, his eyes looking glassily at the white hospital wall. He saw Cece screaming and thrashing, telling Eli to find a nurse quickly.
He had never ran so fast in his life.
It was all so vivid and clear to him, gnawing on his brain like it's waiting for a release. Like it's looking for a way out. He pulled himself off the floor, covering his mouth with his hands as his eyes searched frantically for something sharp, something to keep the demons at bay.
Finding a razor within the confines of the cabinet above the sink, Eli eyed it carefully, deciding that it was probably the best thing he was going to find.
He lifted a sleeve of his shirt, sitting on the tub as he looked for a clean space on his battered arm. Pressing the blades against his skin, Eli took in a deep breath and shut his eyes, preparing himself for the pain.
He dropped the razor at the loud sound of a pounding at the door.
"What the hell, man! Can you hurry up?" Drew's voice boomed, groaning impatiently as he stood in the hall.
"Yeah s-sorry."
He slipped the razor back into the cabinet, quickly glancing at his skin to notice that it had only made a small scratch before he'd been so rudely interrupted.
Opening the door, Drew's features softened only the slightest bit as he noticed that it was Eli who'd been locked up in the bathroom. Drew studied him, eyeing his features and Eli took that opportunity to pull his sleeve down once again, giving his cousin an apologetic shrug.
Moving out of his way, Eli scurried into his bedroom, a bit shocked as he found a bed sitting where his air mattress used to be. He wondered for a moment if Audra had set it up all on her own, and the thought made him feel a little bad for not suggesting to assist her, but it looked comfy and inviting and he'd kill for a good night's rest, though he knew that was far too much to ask for.
Eli changed into some pajamas, walking over to his bedside table and readying his pills accordingly. Lifting the small white tablet, he sighed to himself, speculating as to what was supposed to be so special about these god damn things.
He looked down at his arm again, remembering that he had only left a scratch. And sure, he might have gone further had his cousin had not interjected, but the fact of the matter was that he didn't go farther.
Perhaps he didn't need the pills anymore.
Perhaps he never did.
Adam didn't take pills to make bad memories go away, he was sure Clare didn't take pills to make it easier to wake up in the morning and Eli knew good and well that the only thing wrong with Drew's head is that he used it as a landing cushion.
Tapping his fingers against the wood of the table, he thought of what benefit it would serve to his mother.
Maybe if he slowly weaned off of his medication, he could convince her that he was all better, that she had one less thing to worry about and that one day she'd be healed just like him.
He didn't need the pills to make him feel better, he needed his own strength to make him feel better. Something he doubted he had, but was now curious about.
Eli placed the capsules back in their containers, looking around before shoving each bottle into the drawer, hiding the contents with a book.
If he was going to get better, he had to do it on his own.
And if he found out that the pills were just delaying the inevitable, that they weren't truly helping, then he'd need to take matters into his own hands just as he wanted to when he was sixteen. Leaving the room, Eli went downstairs to repeat his nightly routine with his mother, tucking her into bed and being sure she had her water. She was getting thinner, her hair was greasy and she hardly left her room, and Eli shivered as he remembered himself when Julia had passed.
"He hasn't come out of his room in a few days, Daniel, I'm so worried about him." CeCe whispered outside of her sons bedroom door. "What if the therapy and the medication aren't helping?"
"He's in mourning," Bullfrog tried to explain. "You haven't lost very many people yet, CeCe. The whole side of your family is living and breathing. When you lose someone, you'll understand why Elijah is suffering so much. Especially with someone so close to him…"
Eli had only left the room for a few times after Julia had died. It had been in the midst of summer vacation, and he found no real need to go outside or to even go downstairs for that matter. He went to Julia's funeral, wearing a tuxedo for the first time in his life. Her whole family was there, which made him feel just a little more awful than he ever wanted to be.
"We are gathered here today to commemorate the remembrance of Julia Turner. She was only fifteen when she passed on, but we are sure she is in a better place now. Julia was…"
It was too hard to listen to. And when they called Eli up to the stand to speak about her, he only stood uncomfortably at the alter and stared out at the crowd of people. He had a speech prepared, it was stuffed in the pocket of his suit but he had lost all control over his body. He shook with fear and broke down before he even had the chance to speak.
"Julia was magnificent."
That was all he ever said.
The nightmares of the absent presence in his life never ever went away. He used to constantly call up her number, as if she was still around, and leave her messages saying things like hey Julia, haven't heard from you in a while now. Hope you're doing okay. Love you. It was really mostly just to hear her voice on the answering machine. Julia's parents were nice enough to keep her cell phone on for this very purpose, and Eli abused it often.
Eli tried hard to sleep tonight. Like, really tried. After his almost-success during movie night, he was desperately trying to reach the same feeling he had earlier. He replayed the movie in his head, remembering certain lines and the tune of Can You Feel the Love Tonight so that maybe, just maybe, he could recreate the sleep that he so desperately needed.
It was fruitless, though, and Eli oddly enough knew that from the beginning of it all. He wished he could remember the last time he truly got a good night's sleep. It was before Bullfrog had died, but not close enough for memory. When Bullfrog was in the hospital, Eli was plagued awake at night with nightmares of the worst things that could happen to his father. And… the worst thing did happen.
Julia was dead. Eli's father was dead. Everyone he loved always slipped from in between his fingers so…
Who was next?
