Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Mt Sinai Hospital never looked more foreboding as Olivia took Elliot's hand and walked through the car park. He had spent the morning acting calm and controlled but it was just an act and they both knew it. His heart was now racing wildly, his palms sweaty and he knew the minute they were through the doors he'd make his umpteenth trip to the bathroom for the day.

Every time he began to ride a wave of panic, Olivia could sense it and would hold on a little tighter. After a bathroom stop they made their way to the elevator, Olivia's stomach twisting as she read the directory and found Oncology – fourth floor. She slipped her arm around Elliot's waist as they waited for the car. It only took thirty seconds to arrive, but each second seemed like an eternity.

As the doors opened, a young woman stood there. A bright pink bandana covering her head, no doubt hiding her loss of hair due to chemo, she was pale and gaunt and relying heavily on another woman standing beside her, who, Elliot was certain, was her mother. The older woman seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders as she supported her.

Olivia stepped aside to let them pass before getting into the elevator. When she did, Elliot was already leaning against the wall, head back and eyes closed. She went and stood in front of him, wrapping her arms around his body and leaning into him.

"It's gonna be bad, isn't it?" he whispered, as he tucked his head into her neck.

"Not gonna be a picnic," she agreed, kissing his neck.

"Don't think I want to do this, Liv," he said, his voice catching.

"Don't think you've gotta choice, El," she answered, one hand moving up to his head and raking through his hair.

"Can we just pretend we've had the appointment and all's well?" he asked earnestly, his eyes locked on hers.

"I'd like that," Olivia replied as the doors opened on their floor. She gripped his hand tightly and walked out - time for pretending was gone.

The walk down the corridor was short which suited Elliot fine, as it was, he felt he'd run a marathon by the time they reached the reception desk in the Oncology department; fatigue now a regular part of his life.

"Elliot Stabler," he said to the woman sitting at the desk. "I have an appointment with Dr Bainbridge at two."

"Yes, hello, Mr Stabler," she replied. "My name is Iris; this is your first visit here, isn't it?" He nodded, worried his voice wouldn't come. "I know this is a very daunting day for you but rest assured you are in very good hands. Dr Bainbridge is one of the best." Elliot smiled and nodded. "Now," Iris continued. "If you can just fill out these forms for me … and do you have your referral?" Elliot nodded again and retrieved the letter from his pocket, handing it to her and picking up the clipboard and forms. "Just take a seat and do them, no rush."

Olivia and Elliot moved to the red fabric sofa and sat down. The pen stayed frozen in Elliot's hand, poised above the answer box for the first question, an intense look of concentration on his face. Wrapping an arm around him, Olivia rested her chin on his shoulder.

"You spell it S…T…A…B…L…E…R," she said gently, smiling when he looked at her.

"I know," he replied, shifting in his seat.

"Want me to do it?" she asked, reaching out for the clipboard.

"No, no, I can do it," he sighed. "You've done enough of my paperwork over the years."

When the forms were done he walked back to the desk and handed them over.

"Dr Bainbridge will be with you shortly," Iris said, smiling. There was something about her which Elliot found comforting, and he returned her smile. He walked back to Olivia but, instead of sitting down, he remained standing, staring out the window. Olivia leant back on the sofa and watched him, she knew he was trying hard to keep it all together, she also knew he had never been as scared in his life as he was right now.

The phone buzzing on the desk startled Olivia but Elliot didn't react, his mind too consumed with all the negatives of his current situation.

"Mr Stabler," Iris called. "Dr Bainbridge is ready for you. It's room two, just to your left."

"Thank you," Olivia replied.

She stood up and smiled when he stretched out his hand, eager for her touch. They walked to the room, Olivia rapping quietly on the door when they arrived.

"Come in," the doctor called.

Olivia turned the handle and pushed the door open slightly, pausing she looked at Elliot, reaching up and she kissed his cheek. "We're in this together, El," she reminded him, kissing him again. Then she opened the door, apprehensive of what lay ahead for him, for her, for them.

"Elliot Stabler?" Dr Bainbridge asked, standing up and coming from behind his desk.

"Ah, yes," Elliot replied, shaking the doctor's extended hand.

"I'm Dr Stephen Bainbridge, nice to meet you," he said.

"Wish it wasn't in a professional capacity," Elliot replied, the doctor smiled, it wasn't the first time he'd heard that. "Um, Dr Bainbridge, this is my partner, Olivia Benson." Olivia shook his hand and then both sat down as the doctor gestured to the seats in front of them.

He returned to his own chair and opened Elliot's file, he quickly scanned the page.

"Ok," he started, "Your test results…"

While Elliot knew the doctor was talking little was registering. He knew there was surgery on the horizon, they would go in and removed the lump in his neck … he also heard him mention chemotherapy … just the thought turned his stomach.

His own doctor had organised a needle aspiration biopsy which is how the diagnosis had been made - Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma One B.

One B?" Olivia questioned.

"Stage One, B," the doctor explained.

"Is that bad?" she asked, holding one of Elliot's hands in her lap and running her other hand up and down his forearm.

"B indicates that Elliot has secondary symptoms, aside from just the lump in his neck," he explained. "There has been his weight loss…" Olivia nodded, she'd noticed that herself but hadn't mentioned it to him. "There's also the fevers and some night sweats…" the doctor continued.

"Wasn't that the flu?" she asked looking from Elliot to the doctor.

"No, Liv," Elliot said quietly. "I only said it was because I didn't want you to know…"

"You've known a month that you were this sick?" she questioned turning in her seat.

"No," he shook his head. "Only that it was a possibility."

"Why on earth didn't you tell me, Elliot?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"Can we do this later, Liv?" Elliot asked, looking back to the doctor.

"Oh, yes, sorry, Dr Bainbridge," she apologised.

"Okay," the doctor continued. "But given Elliot is in the low risk category on the International Prognostic Index, he has a good chance at beating this."

"Good?" Elliot echoed, thinking more about how he was going to explain this to Olivia than the doctor himself. "What are the actual chances?" He heard Olivia draw in a sharp breath but he couldn't bear to look at her.

Dr Bainbridge smiled reassuringly. "The complete response rate is about eighty seven percent…"

"That's good," Olivia said, looking at Elliot.

"Yeah, not for the thirteen percent who didn't make it," Elliot said, looking at her.

"You have to think positive, El," she said gently, rubbing his arm.

"I bet it didn't help them," he responded, looking down to the floor.

"Elliot," the doctor interjected. "Your wife is right, eighty seven percent is a positive thing and you do need to think positively. There are many factors which will impact on your recovery and one of the biggest is your mindset."

Elliot and Olivia looked at each other, neither one wanting to correct the doctor as to the status of their relationship, neither wanting to contemplate why the other wasn't correcting it either.

"So," Dr Bainbridge continued. "We will schedule the surgery for Thursday, next week. After that, we will be able to discuss and schedule your chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I'm sending you home with an information kit. It has answers to all your questions; it also includes contact numbers for this department and the American Cancer Council."

He stood up from behind his desk and came out to them as they both stood.

"This is a very daunting time for you both," he said handing Olivia the kit. "If you think of any questions, write them down and we can discuss them next week. Iris will give you the details for next Thursday on your way out." He shook their hands and opened the door for them.

Elliot and Olivia sat in the car for a long while before Olivia spoke, breaking the silence.

"How are you doing?" she asked quietly.

"Okay," he muttered, his eyes still focus at something beyond the windshield.

"So, tell me?" she simply stated, and leaned back into the driver's seat.

He shook his head; this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. "Tell me," she repeated. "We're supposed to be partners. How could you not tell me you were ill?"

"Because I was busy thinking it was all my own fault … and I was embarrassed …" he said, not daring to look at her.

"Look at me, Elliot Stabler," she said firmly. Slowly, he turned to face her. "I told you Wednesday night I was never going to kick you out, no matter how big an ass you were, and I'm not," she confirmed as she watched the nervousness flitter in his eyes. "But you owe me the truth, if nothing else…don't you think?"

Nodding slowly, Elliot took a deep breath.

"I've been thinking there was something not right for maybe three months … it was nothing major at first … you know, just more tired than normal, not feeling right but then I got itchy, all over, and well…" he paused. "You sure you want to hear this?" he asked, knowing he didn't want to tell her.

"Yes, I do," she replied, taking his hand.

"I was with this woman about four months ago, and I thought that I must have picked up something from her … you know, some STD. I mean, I used protection and all but just figured it was something from her … and the itching and fevers – thought maybe it was an infection…but it wasn't and when the weight loss started I thought I should do something about it," he admitted, looking up at her.

"And why couldn't you tell me that?" she asked quietly.

"Didn't want to give you the impression I was sleeping around with anybody and everybody … Karla, the woman, I knew her from years ago, she was in New York for the weekend, ran into her by chance and well, we slept together," he all but whispered.

"Have you seen her since?" Olivia asked, trying to keep the jealousy out of her voice.

"Nah, it was just sex … a once off thing," he said, leaning his head back on the seat, exhausted by it all.

"And so you didn't tell me because you were embarrassed by …?" she trailed.

"The sex…" he admitted. "Liv, I've been divorced two years and …"

"El, you don't have to explain," she said, trying to save herself. She didn't need to hear just how many women he'd turned to in that time.

"I thought being single, the life of a bachelor would be good. Something I missed out on when I was younger, you know … but turns out it's not … and Karla, she was a mistake… I just needed someone and you know what they say… love the one you're with," he said, staring out once more.

"The whole thing is 'if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with," Olivia muttered, staring out the windshield herself.

"Yeah, well," he coughed. "The one I wanted wasn't an option and … well…"

"Why wasn't she an option?" Olivia asked quietly, her heart pounding.

"Too complicated," he answered. "We work together."

Not wanting to get into this now, not in the car in the hospital car park, Olivia tightened her belt, turned the key in the ignition and brought the engine to life. They drove in silence for a few blocks.

"It's gone three," she said, looking at her watch. "You want to go see Cragen or Kathy or …"

"Um … yeah … Cragen, I guess …" he said, glad she hadn't pushed the issue, hoping she knew he meant her.

Olivia drove along before noting Elliot's leg bouncing up and down; she reached over and rested her hand on his thigh, gently rubbing it. He picked up her hand and kissed it before placing it back on his thigh, resting his hand over it… but he said nothing.

Pulling into their car space, Olivia parked the car and undid her seatbelt, undoing Elliot's when she realised he wasn't moving.

"We don't have to do this today, El," she said, turning around to face him.

"Sooner the better," he replied, without looking at her.

"Want me to call and make sure he's up there?" she asked, Elliot nodded.

It was a worthwhile call, Cragen was out and not expected back for a few hours so Olivia just left a message.

"Want to try Kathy?" she asked and he shook his head.

"Twins are going away for the weekend … I'll tell Kathy tomorrow and I can tell the kids Monday," he said, his voice monotone.

"Want me to take you home?" she asked, putting her seatbelt back on.

"Only if it's to your place," he said, finally looking at her and smiling.

Back at her apartment, Olivia watched as Elliot took himself into the bedroom and lay on the bed, she wanted to follow him but conceded he probably just needed some time and space. She knew she could benefit from it too. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the sofa cross legged, hoping some deep breathing and cleansing thoughts would help her, it didn't. Her thoughts were interrupted by Elliot's cell ringing in the bedroom; she jumped up to answer it, not wanting it to disturb him if he was asleep.

She only made it to the door when she heard his voice.

"Stabler!"

"Oh, yeah, hi, Don … don't worry, you can't help OnePP's timing … yeah, we did … the doctor went through a few things … I'm booked in for surgery next week and will have to start chemo and radiation therapy after that … Doctor says it's Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma …"

The long pause spoke volumes to Olivia as she knew their boss was coming to terms with it.

"Sure…" Elliot said. "Can you … um … tell the guys? They should know…And um… about returning … oh, I know and I will take the time … I mean Olivia returning. I haven't asked … don't know if she will … don't want to put her in that position … but, um … if she agrees can we … she … take some time? Thanks ... means so much."

Olivia smiled; she had a stockpile of leave but never had a reason to take it. Now she had every reason and would use every last day of it if it was what Elliot wanted.

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