Day 3
"We left orbit?!" Tallo shouted even before the turbolift doors retracted fully. Commander Paris stood from his place on the bridge and addressed the frightened child.
"Tallo?" he asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I need to see my father!" he screeched, panic rising in his voice. "Where is my father?"
Tom pointed to the ready room. "He's in there," he said, moving to intercept him, but in a flash, Tallo was down the ramp. He stopped short at the doors that refused to open without permission and unsure of what to do next he began to beat on them with his fists.
A moment later the doors opened and the boy all but fell inside. Tom glanced a concerned eye back to Harry. They both shrugged nervously and returned to duty.
"You left orbit!" he shouted before Chakotay could ask.
"Tallo, calm down," he said, rising from behind his desk. "Take a breath, what's going on?"
He did as he was told and then spoke again, more calmly this time. "You left orbit. You left my mom behind."
Chakotay furrowed his brow. "We left orbit of the planet in the middle of the night, yes. Our sensor sweeps were complete and we've just met back up with the rest of the fleet."
"But my mom," Tallo repeated. His voice beginning to wobble. "She was collecting deuterium and she didn't come back. She was stuck in a storm. Don't you remember?"
"Son, I don't know who you are talking about. We didn't leave anyone behind." Chakotay moved to kneel in front of him and put a strong hand on his shoulder.
"You…. you forgot her," the boy realized. Tears formed quickly and streamed down his already rosy cheeks. "She was gone too long and you forgot. I was afraid this would happen and it did." He buried his head in his hands and began to cry. "Please try to remember…."
Chakotay's heart was shattering. He would have done anything in that moment to make his son feel better. When he searched his mind and found he could not place any memory of the boy's mother whatsoever - a realization that in itself bothered him - he decided to follow his newfound fatherly instincts and tapped his badge.
"Chakotay to Paris. Inform Admiral Janeway we will be returning to the last planet we surveyed to….well….. To retrieve something we forgot. After she confirms, set a course. Maximum warp."
Then he returned his attention to the quivering child. "I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. But we'll get to the bottom of it, okay?" Then the boy fell into his open arms.
When all was said and done it had taken Admiral Janeway five minutes to board Voyager, five hours for them to intercept Kellin's vessel, another hour and a half for all memories of the woman to return to Chakotay and exactly zero seconds for guilt to set in.
After having been profusely reassured by his mother, Tallo had grudgingly followed Tom to play with Miral in their quarters, leaving two weary parents, and a concerned admiral alone in the captain's living room.
"Are you starting to understand now what a life with us would mean, Chakotay? You would never be able to be apart from us, not for more than a few hours or this would happen again. If I had been gone any longer your memories wouldn't have come back."
"Then we'll have to make sure that doesn't happen," Chakotay replied. "This is a learning process."
She shook her head. "This isn't just a learning process, Chakotay. It's going to be a way of life. Think about it. You couldn't go on an away mission. Not a vacation. You would be bound to us."
"Surely there must be some way to overcome that. I can keep journal entries, in fact I've already started. I'll make recordings, take pictures, write myself notes, have the computer remind me hourly - whatever it takes. You said this was because of pheromones, maybe our doctor can even work on something…." he said, grasping at anything that might alleviate all of their concerns.
He glanced to the corner where Kathryn had been standing, searching for an ally. But instead he found her eerily silent.
"You've already forgotten once and you've seen how hard this was on him. You scared him Chakotay, and you scared me too," she hung her head. "I should have known better. Dammit," she swore. "This is why I hesitated to come onboard in the first place."
"Then I just won't leave. We won't be apart."
"You know that's not possible. And even if it was, it's a lot to ask….of both of us."
"Are you saying that you don't want to be here?" he blurted out, cutting to the chase.
She shook her head. "No. I want to be here, with you, more than I've ever wanted anything. It's what I've been dreaming about for the last seven years. But the reality is much more difficult than I had considered, especially since all of this time has passed."
"I don't see how the passage of time has much bearing, this would have been just as hard if I was there from the start." Chakotay argued.
"You have duties and commitments now."
"I had those before."
"You have a life, Chakotay. And…" she hung her head.
"And what?"
She swallowed back the lump rising in her throat. "You're in love. And it's not with me."
Chakotay bowed his head, stole another glance back to Kathryn, and then relegated himself to pleading his case.
"Just….give me some time to think. None of this has to be decided today. For now I only want to keep getting to know my son."
"The more time you spend with him, the more attached he's going to get to you and he won't forget. He's been idolizing you for so long now. And Chakotay, you've lived up to his greatest expectations. I see the way he looks at you. If this doesn't work out and we have to leave you behind…."
"That's not going to happen. No matter what, I will be there for my son," Chakotay vowed and in the deepest part of his heart, he believed every word. "However I can, however you let me. I will be there." Then he took Kellin's hands into his own. "Promise that you'll let me."
A few hours later, Kellin found herself in an empty corner of the mess hall.
"Mind if I join you?" Tom Paris asked tray in hand, standing before her table.
She stopped stabbing mindlessly at her meal to look up at him and made a waving gesture.
"I had to get away from all of the crying for a little while," he said, sitting across from her. "For people with such tiny lungs, newborns sure are loud."
She smiled lightly. "I remember those days."
Tom suddenly felt a wave of regret over addressing something that would have been so difficult for her. For all of the challenges of having a newborn, at least the mother of his children had a husband, a family, and a community to share them with. He quickly changed the subject.
"Tallo's hanging out with Chakotay again?"
"And the Admiral."
"I guess they have a lot of catching up to do. It's hard to imagine - having a child and not knowing about him." Tom rearranged the food on his plate while he contemplated the time his own wife spent in isolation with Miral. He also harbored many regrets. "It's a shame that they've both missed so much."
"It's far from an ideal situation. But at least they have a chance now."
"Yes," Tom replied hesitantly. "I suppose they do."
Kellin watched as Tom brought a chunk of noodles in brown sauce up to his lips then paused.
"Something?" she asked.
Tom lowered his fork. "To be honest, yes. Chakotay is in a relationship now. You know that, right?"
"I do."
"I've been going over in my mind whether or not this is any of my business. Then I realized that as Chakotay's first officer, it must be. I have a duty to him and to this ship that goes past our friendship."
"Ok…."
"Kellin, I like you. Chakotay likes you. I'm sure even Admiral Janeway likes you, so please don't think that this is anything personal. But….well…."
"You're not running a hotel and this isn't a ship designed for families?"
Tom shook his head. "No. That's not it. I mean, of all people I can't be the one to give a lecture about having a family onboard. It's just… I don't see how this can work. Not long term."
"Tom, you're a good man," Kellin said. "You're a good officer and a good friend. And you know what? You're absolutely right."
"I am?"
She nodded. "I don't know how we can make this work either."
They sat in contemplative silence for a while. Tom gazed out at the stars and Kellin down at her plate until finally, she broke the quiet.
"I have to say, one of the things I had missed about Voyager was the food. But somehow it just doesn't taste quite as good as it used to."
Tom chuckled softly. "Don't tell me you miss what Neelix served up."
"I suppose I do. Where is he anyway?"
With the tension on hiatus for a moment, Tom was all too happy to continue conversation in another direction. "Neelix left the ship a few weeks before we found our way home. He lives not far from here actually, in the center of an asteroid. With a whole colony of Talaxians."
"Is that so?"
"Mm hm. He has a wife now, and a stepson who's not a whole lot older than your boy. They're doing remarkable things, you wouldn't believe the community they have going."
"They live inside an asteroid?" she asked skeptically.
Tom chuckled. "I know. When he first decided to leave, I couldn't imagine being stuck inside a rock, but it's just as good as anywhere else if you have your family with you. I suppose it's not a whole lot different than being on a starship."
Kellin wrapped her hands around her mug, while her mind wrapped around the information he had just shared.
"Neelix is an Ambassador for the Federation now, but I'm sure the next time we pass by he'd be happy to cook something for you." He took a bite of his salad and started to butter the bread.
She once again stared out to the stars. "How good of a friend are you, Tom?" she asked, drawing her eyes back to his.
He set the knife down. "I'm not sure, why are you asking?"
"Because…" she began, making up her mind with each passing word. "I think we all know how this is going to end. Even if Chakotay doesn't want to admit it."
Tom's stomach churned. "You're leaving."
"I could use your help. And your silence. If it's any consolation, you'd only have to live with it for a few hours."
He ran a hand through his hair. "Tallo's going to be heartbroken."
"The longer I wait, the harder this will be. As a parent, I'm sure you understand, what's good for our kids today isn't always best in the long run. Someday, I think he will come to respect my decision."
He sighed and thought about the hard choices B'Elanna had made to ensure the long-term safety of Miral. In the end, he couldn't argue with a mother's instincts. Fork in hand, he poked once again at the main course before taking a bite. At the taste, he frowned.
She regarded his expression curiously. "What is it?"
"Actually," he said, forcing down the casserole. "This reminds me of Neelix quite a bit."
Kellin wandered the corridors for over an hour after retrieving Tallo from his father and tucking him in - despite the boy's protests – to his own bed on their ship. At first she appreciated the subtle nods and 'hello's' from the few night-shift crewmembers she had passed. But after a while all she really wanted to do was walk in silence.
In an odd way, she realized that she missed her little vessel and the solitude it offered. It would be good to get back to normal for a while, she thought. Beyond that, she was excited for the plan she had developed. She glanced to the padd in her hand and committed the coordinates Tom had provided to memory.
After passing another crewman who wanted to relay just how happy he was that she and Tallo were onboard, she had finally had enough of other people. She tapped the device kept hidden in her pocket and disappeared into thin air. Then she continued walking.
"Please," Chakotay asked, leaning forward slightly from his seat on the couch. "Tell me what's going through your head."
Kathryn stopped her pacing and turned to regard him. "I'm thinking that you have a son, and that's wonderful."
"There's more to it than that."
She sighed and took a seat next to him. The truth which she had long been loath to admit, even to herself, was bubbling to the front of everything else at this odd turn of events. She could avoid the topic no longer.
"Chakotay," she began, finding it hard to meet his eyes. "I have always known that having children was important to you. I saw the way you were around Naomi, and now how you look at Miral and Michael. There is a happiness there, but also regret. I know you want children -"
"But," he interjected, sensing her doubts.
"No. No buts," she corrected. "'And.' And I know that you would be a fantastic father. You're going to be a fantastic father to this little boy. To your son." She bit back the shaking feeling that had been rising in her voice. "I'm just not sure where my place is in all of this."
Chakotay reached forward and grabbed her hands. "Your place is by my side. We will figure everything else out," he said, trying to weave some thread of confidence into the delicate situation. But, no matter how hard he tried to deny it, the look on her face betrayed the same uncertainty which he felt in his bones.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is this. If you want to be a father, and I know in your heart that you do, he's going to have to stay with us. Or you'll have to go with him. Then too, if you want to have more children, you deserve that chance."
"Kathryn, what are you trying to say?"
"It's not going to be with me," she said, feeling the words burst forth after having been held back for one moment too long. "I love you. More than anything or anyone I've ever loved in my entire life. And if you were to ask me for just about anything else, I'd do it. I love you enough, that if I have to, I will accept your resignation and leave you wherever you want so that you can have this chance you've been given. I love you enough that I will walk away from this relationship so that you can make things work on Voyager if that's what it takes," she said, her heart aching against the phrases coming from her tongue. "But I won't have your children Chakotay. I wasn't meant to be a mother. I know that now. That life, the one I dreamed of years ago, it's gone."
"Why? Why are you coming to this realization now?"
"If the situation on Sormana taught me anything it's that there isn't a place in my life for a child of my own. Not when I can't give one hundred percent. Not when I can't be completely sure that the child would be safe out here. I wouldn't be able to remain objective and it wouldn't be fair, to anyone involved."
Chakotay felt a heavy sigh leave his body and the looked up to meet her reddened eyes. "I'm glad you were honest with me. It's hard, sometimes, to know what you're feeling."
"I should have told you sooner."
"I probably should have asked." He opened his arms and she fell into him. She nuzzled against his strong shoulders and heard him question, "How would you feel about being a step-mother?"
"I think I'd enjoy that job very much," she admitted quietly.
"You're right, this isn't going to be easy. We're going to have to make some sacrifices."
"I'm okay with that."
I love you," he whispered into her hair.
"And I love you."
"That's all I'll ever need from you. Please believe me."
Tom should have been sleeping. It was, after all, that blessed time of night when he could actually get some uninterrupted rest. But he knew better than to believe it would come to him on this particular evening. A few more hours and Michael would be up again. And then again, and again…
He sighed and rolled to his left. Glancing over the slumbering body of his exhausted wife, he gazed into the small bassinet at his swaddled son. Against his better judgement, with an unstoppable urge, he swung out of bed and stepped lightly across the room. Then he carefully slid his hands under the newborn and cuddled him close.
The baby stirred and cooed. His tongue jutted out to suckle at the air. Tom rocked him gently and held him tight to his body. Then he left the room.
The first thing he thought when he laid eyes on his daughter was that she looked as if someone had knocked her out with a bat and thrown her into the bed. Tom shook his head with a smile. The harried way she would run until her last drop of energy had been expunged caused her to collapse most nights, and tonight was no exception. How lucky he was to get to witness this, to know her routines and quirks - to experience her joys and frustrations. To watch his son grow.
Taking a seat on the edge of her bed, he made a mental note to fully involve Chakotay in the lives of his children - and he hoped he wouldn't forget that point as he would other things from this evening. Still rocking Michael, he breathed in the newborn scent - memorized the shape of his daughter. And appreciated, just a little more than usual, the life he was living.
In the relative dark of ship's night, Kellin covertly made her way through deck ten and used Tom's security code to access the room at the end of the corridor. With a near-silent movement, the door split from the bulkhead and she entered. She retrieved the data stick she had prepared from her pocket and then located the access port. Without another thought, she plunged it into the matching slot. The computer blipped acceptance, erasing all traces of her existence.
Her decision had been made and her work was almost complete. There was just one last thing to do.
Disappearing into thin air as she reactivated her cloak, she made her way back to deck three. It took just a minute to steal into Chakotay's quarters and find the shelf where he kept his handwritten journal. A moment more and she had it safely tucked under her arm. At least, she realized, she would have these to remember him by. And if, by some chance, the need ever arose she would be able to show them to him. Maybe, she thought. Someday.
The next weeks would be hard, she knew, especially for Tallo. But he would have to learn to accept the gift he had been given of these few days. Together they would move on, just as they had always done.
Padding softly to the exit, she heard from the far corner of his living space, voices behind the wall. Soon she would no longer have a need to use her invisibility to spy on others. But just this one, last time she felt like she deserved the advantage it afforded her. She deserved to know that what she was giving up - a father for her son - was the best thing for everyone involved. So she walked over, leaned an ear to the wall and eavesdropped for a moment.
She heard all she needed to in the muffled giggles and sighs and deep-voiced confessions.
And then, she left.
