CHAPTER 3
I'm sorry if I steal your heat, you just keep me warm
NOW
God she was so beautiful, Santana sometimes wondered if she was even allowed to touch her, hold her; run her mouth over her body.
"Britt," she said, moving from the seat at her bed side and crawling up beside her. She shuddered at how cold her skin felt compared to the usual heat that Santana would always bask in.
Aren't you cold? Brittany would always ask, Santana you're not wearing much,
I'm warm Brittsticks, I'm always warm!
It would make her laugh, why?
You make me warm!
Santana wrapped her arm around Brittany's waist, pulling her closer, burying her face in the crook of her neck. Even after all this time in here, she still smelt like Brittany. Santana would never forget her smell; it was embedded within her own skin.
"Do you remember that time in the park, that summer when we'd just turned sixteen?" she whispered into her ear, "Do you remember what happened? We were climbing over the jungle gym remember, and I slipped and you grabbed my hand. You promised you wouldn't let go. You promised Brittsticks, you promised!"
There was a small knock at the door, as Santana lifted her head from Brittany's shoulder.
"Can I come in?"
Santana nodded briefly, as Rachel walked into the room and shut the door behind her.
She sat tentatively in the seat that had become Santana's vigil.
"She looks like sleeping beauty don't you think?"
Santana didn't respond. She was trying so hard to stop the tears welling at her eyelids.
"I'm sorry this had to happen," Rachel offered.
Santana looked to her. "I deserve this. I'm being punished for the bitch I was back in high school,"
Rachel responded with one of her typical shock- of- terror- Berry faces, before grasping for words.
"Santana, that was seven years ago! That was pre college, pre Mr Schue's death, pre everything that has ever mattered!"
"Karma," she replied.
Rachel moaned slightly before running her hands through her hair.
"Santana do you remember that party right before my graduation? You and Brittany got me so drunk I nearly did not show up for my final speeches the next morning,"
Santana fought the smile crawling its way across her face. Remembering Rachel in her Yale hoodie vomiting over the hedges and Brittany singing through a witches hat.
"I'm surprised you remember we were there,"
Rachel flushed red, "I do because it was the same night, you convinced me to admit how I really felt about Quinn I graduated and the next day I took the first plane out to L.A to tell her. Santana you told me to never stop believing in love, to do what my heart told me to do,"
"But my heart won't let go of her," she whispered.
Rachel stared back at her, eyes puffy and red, lips slightly quivering, "Exactly,"
Santana frowned, "I don't understand,"
"Don't ever let her go San, don't switch it off, don't do it. Britt will come back, I know she will,"
There was this unrelenting feeling of gratitude that seemed to surge over her and she felt like she'd never found a greater friend than she had in Rachel Berry. Santana moved from the bed, and crawled her way to Rachel, barely able to contain the tears anymore. She collapsed in a heap in her lap. Rachel held her there for what seemed like hours. She held her, until Santana's great shuddering sobs had nulled to quiet tears of exhaustion.
Five weeks, 1 day, 2 hours ago
Santana was staring at the wedding cakes through the glass window. They looked like skyscrapers, twisting themselves upwards into the ceiling. They were decorated so elegantly, she just really wanted to know how long it had taken the pastry master to make them. When Santana had been in college she used to believe that the world was so full of people and so crowded with topics and issues that all the little things just became a commonplace, like people just forgot about them. People forgot how to do the simplest thing, and that was to talk to each other. She had made such a continuous effort to do everything Brittany had wanted for this wedding that she had forgotten the one thing she had wanted.
"Britt," she said reaching for her arm.
Brittany straightened up from where she had been hunched over the plastic book full of different size cakes, and decorations and flavours.
"I want this to be the best day of your life…."
Brittany frowned, "Baby I want that for you too…"
"No listen," she said, "Let me finish,"
Brittany nodded tilting her head in a way that had forever taken Santana's breath away.
"I want our wedding hymn to be songbird,"
Brittany beamed, "San," she whispered, pulling her forwards and wrapping her arms around her waist, "Of course,"
"You remember it don't you? You remember me singing it to you?"
Brittany nodded and kissed her, "I could never forget that,"
"Lilies!"
Santana jumped at the shriek that had cascaded through the bakery's open door to find Kurt had made himself present.
"We'll douse the cathedral in lilies!"
Brittany laughed, "Kurt you read my mind!"
He smiled, "It'll be like a winter wonderland, with two snowflakes becoming one,"
"Oh god Kurt, can you be any more dramatic!" Santana replied, rising on her tip toes slightly to eye the young boy behind the counter, he was squeezing chocolate from a tube and spelling out a birthday message. She'd always wanted to know how they'd done that.
"Oh that reminds me!" Brittany said suddenly, "I need to duck across the road,"
"Why!" Santana said biting her lip, "Stay here and choose a cake with me, we'll go to where ever next together,"
"You can't come with me," she protested, "Kurt take my place,"
Santana smirked before allowing Brittany's hand to fall from her grip, "I'll be back in a minute, don't have too much fun without me,"
Santana watched her disappear from the store before turning back to the plastic example book, "I just want something that taste's good,"
"Marble," he said licking his lips, "It'll be like eating Caesar's Palace,"
Santana laughed and went to pinch his cheeks, before the sound of brakes screeching shot through from outside, and a scream ricocheted through the glass panels.
Sometimes what you don't know won't hurt you, sometimes you can close your eyes and pretend that what is happening isn't actually real, that you've just been catapulted into a dream and you'll wake up soon. From the moment Santana heard the brittle shatter of glass everything seemed to happen in slow motion. They say the most critical points in your life happen through blurred moments that you're left to remember when your head is clear. Only right now, everything was as clear as reflection. Everything from the black sedan that had mounted the gutter and was puffing smoke, the bystanders all trying to call 911, the waitress on the corner crying and pointing, the dent on the bonnet of the car, the glass shades littering the ground, and her finance, lying motionless in the middle of the divided lines, blood seeping from underneath her body and rolling across the tar.
Santana hadn't screamed, she had done nothing but run straight to Brittany, her body falling next to her, gravel scraping her exposed skin. She had pulled Brittany into her arms and searched for her eyes, she had searched for those bright blue eyes that she woke up to each and every morning. For a moment there had been stillness, all Santana could hear was her own heart thudding against her chest, like a boom box that god had slammed into overdrive. Then Brittany had opened her eyes, she had muttered something that was incoherent, and Santana had merely pulled her closer. If they could just lock eyes, everything would be okay again. If her eyes found Brittany's then all the screaming around them would stop, she would catch her and everything would be alright.
"Brittany," she had begun saying, "Baby, it's okay, I've got you okay, I have you and everything is going to be alright,"
"Santana," she had whispered.
"No, you are okay; you are okay because I have you,"
Brittany had lifted her hand to Santana's face in what had seemed like the most strength she had ever used. She had smiled slightly, through the cuts on her face; she had smiled and whispered, "I love you,"
The world stopped spinning when Brittany had closed her eyes. Santana couldn't find the blue anymore, she couldn't find herself in Brittany's eyes, and suddenly she was lost.
