Chapter 3: Make it stop...

Cloe lay in bed later that night, staring up at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep and her arm was hurting like hell.
Ved went away just an hour ago, he had let her promise that she wouldn't do it again and then he stayed with her for another half an hour, just watching TV together, although she noticed that most of the time he was just staring at her in deep thoughts.
She knew that deep inside she wanted for him to care about her, but she knew that he only helped her for the project, he needed her for that. If only she knew that Ved was lying in his own bed in another room down the hall, thinking about her.

Ved lay on his side staring at the wall in front of him, how his day was messed up. He had never been so scared in all his life for anyone when he saw Cloe lying there on the ground. He didn't even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't come to find her. He couldn't get the image of her out of his mind; she was so fragile and so scared. It repeated over and over in his mind, how he saw the razor lying on the ground and the blood that was coming from her arm. He had really thought that she was gone forever…but thank God that she was still there.
He had seen her sitting on her bed, not knowing what to do, confused about everything that was happening to her, as if the world was going on without her and she was left behind. Right then and there he had felt a pang in his heart and he wanted to comfort her…but he couldn't.

When he was cleaning up the bathroom after that he had to sit for awhile to adjust what just happened. He sat down and just stared in front of him, he could hear Cloe softly crying and his heart went cold. What had this girl done to deserve so much pain?
He sighed one last time and turned on his other side, finally getting some sleep.

Cloe was just about to open her door to go to the English classroom to meet up with Ved when she bumped into something solid.

"Oh." She said and felt 2 strong arms around her waist.
She looked up and saw that it was Ved who had caught her.

"What are you doing here? I thought we would meet in the English classroom?" Cloe asked him.

"Yeah, I know. The classroom is already taken by other people. Maybe we can go outside?" Ved suggested. He tried to avoid looking in her eyes scared for her reaction. He had promised himself not to let her too close, otherwise he would be too worried about her.

"Sure, let me just get my coat." Cloe said and walked back into her room. Ved just stood there leaning against her wall and waited for her to come back.

They walked silently, Ved was walking a few feet in front of Cloe and she just followed him until he stopped at a bench in front of the lake. The lake was completely frozen en the ground was covered with beautiful white snow. Cloe inhaled the smell of the fresh air and smiled, how she loved the freedom here. He watched closely as he sat down on the bench waiting for her to do the same, but she didn't. Instead she walked to the lake and just stood there staring in front of her. He got up and stood next to her, just looking at her.

"Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?" He asked her.

Cloe sighed and turned to him, meeting his eyes.

"I don't know what to tell you, it doesn't matter anyway, I don't have a perfect life for you to write about." She said sad.

"Why do you cut yourself?" the question came out of nowhere and he hadn't meant to ask her that.
Cloe's gaze fell upon the lake again and he saw her eyes turning cold.

"Why do you think I cut myself Ved? I don't just do it because I like the scars." She said harsh.

"I know, I know…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No you're not sorry, no one is ever sorry for me. And you know what, I don't care. If you must get to know me, then take a look at this arm!" She said and pulled up her sleeve.
Ved turned away from her, not wanting to look at her, not wanting to see the pain that she was going through.

"Look at it!" She demanded. She grabbed his arm and turned him around roughly, his eyes shot to her arm and saw the scars.

"Don't." He whispered and closed his eyes.

"Don't what Ved? Don't do it? I'm sorry but it's the only way." She just stared at him blankly, her face showing no emotions.

"The only way for what Cloe, killing your inner pain by hurting yourself on the outside? That's not the way and you know it. You can stop it, I know you can…you yourself know that you can…you just have to have faith"

"I stopped believing in faith a long time ago." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down.

"But this has to stop…" He started.

"I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to feel anything anymore but it won't ever stop Ved! Don't you understand that it hurts too much to even talk about it, to think about it, to FEEL it?" Cloe said harsh and started to cry.
"Make it stop …just make it stop." Cloe begged him whispering, she sunk to the ground and just cried, not caring about the cold or the snow underneath her.

Ved just stood there, shocked again in just 2 days, she had scared him again.
He kneeled down beside her and pulled her against him, trying to comfort her in any way that he could. Right now he only wanted her to feel safe.

Half an hour later they were both seated on the bench, Cloe's tears had dried and she was now writing something down. Ved was deep in his own thoughts; he regretted making himself so angry in front of her which made her cry.

A letter was pushed into his hands from Cloe and she just stared at him.

"I can't just tell you; maybe you will understand it you could just read it. Please don't tell anyone about what I have written, or what has happened here today." She stood up and started to walk away.

"Cloe?" Ved called and she turned around, her hair falling around her face, and he thought that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry for what happened earlier. And I won't tell anyone."

Cloe just smiled and walked away.

My life has always been messed up, when I was little I adored my parents and my parents adored me. But my mother started to work again when I was old enough to take care of myself after school. My parents never had time for me anymore; I never saw them only in the weekends. I had a few friends but when my parents decided for me to go to this boarding school I lost contact with them. I even lost contact with my own parents. Yeah, sure sometimes they write to me, but they never come to see me.
Then Patsy happened and my life just turned upside down. I still don't understand why she had to pick on me; I never understood what I'd done wrong to her. In my first year of school I had bulimia. I told myself I was fat and I even started to believe it. Until it went wrong and I ended up in the hospital. My parents wanted me to go in therapy, not wanting to deal with it themselves; they were scared to deal with it. I made the people at school promise me that they wouldn't tell anyone at school. When I came back I hoped that everything would be fine again, but Patsy never gave up. I faked my smile and happiness for so long, I think I've fooled myself. I saw this programme on television about a girl cutting herself on regular bases and I was curious if it maybe would help me.
The first time I did it I could only cry out in pain and I soon started to notice how nice it was to feel something else than the inner pain. This pain came from the outside and I was the one in control, it just felt so good. But then the scars came and I knew that it was wrong…but I can't stop. I want this all to stop. But I can't…it feels too good. But it scares me. The other day…what if you didn't find me, I don't even want to think about it. Because I don't want to die… I just want…something, anything… if only for a moment…