Chapter 4
Reid locked the bathroom door behind him, sat down on the shut toilet seat and closed his eyes. He knew that Hotch loved his wife but hearing him tell her had hurt.
A single tear escaped from under his eyelashes and rolled down his cheek. Before he could give in to the emotions and start crying without restraint, he heard a knock on the door. He brushed away the tear and inhaled deeply. There was another knock and Reid stood up, unlocked and opened the bathroom door and wanted to get out, but was pushed back in by Hotch.
„What's the matter?", the older man asked and closed the door behind him. When he did not get an answer he tried again: „Reid, what is it?"
Reid turned away from him and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were still watery, so denying that something was wrong was useless. He saw Hotchs concerned face in the mirror and rasped: „That night. If I hadn't said anything, you would have... we would have..."
Hotch bowed his head. „I am sorry for what I did to you"
„No", Reid whimpered like a sad little child and turned to face his boss, „Be sorry for what you didn't do to me"
The older man raised his head again and looked at him in astonishment. After a short pause, he muttered: „Reid, I don't understand..."
Spencer had always held back his feelings, he had never talked to anybody about how he felt for his boss, he had tried to ignore it, but now he could not pretend that the night in question was of no significance to him. His voice broke as he spoke: „If I hadn't brought up your marriage, we would have slept with each other. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have made you think about your wife"
Hotch still did not seem to understand, „I am glad you said something but it had nothing to do with my wife"
Reid uttered a sound which was a mixture between a snort and a bitter laugh, „You just told her you love her"
Hotch's frown grew even deeper. „I was talking to my son."
The younger agent's face lit up as the feeling of relieve took over but then something even more painful hit him and he gasped. „So you stopped because I told you I was a virgin?"
Hotch nodded.
Reid could not hide the hurt in his voice as he asked „Was that such a major turnoff?"
„What? No, I was being reasonable", Aaron told him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Spencer shook it off, the pain turned into anger „You were being a narcissist. You were not thinking about me, about what I wanted, what I felt. You were thinking about yourself. You were thinking about how you are above sleeping with someone like me, weren't you?"
Hotch could not follow Reid's trend of thoughts. „No, absolutely not. When you told me you were a virgin, I realised how much it could hurt you"
„You only stopped when you realized that I haven't slept with a woman. If I had you would have carried on. It would have also hurt", Reid argued.
„I am not talking about physical pain"
„Oh and you mean leaving me there did not hurt? You rejecting me was the biggest pain you could have possibly caused, so I am sorry but you are a classical narcissist", he pushed his boss aside and wanted to leave the bathroom but stopped when he heard him shout.
„If I really were a narcissist, I would have fucked you that night. I would not have thought about anything, I would have just..."
Reid pressed his lips on Hotchs. But before the older agent could respond, he already pulled back. He suddenly grasped what he had said and how absurd his behaviour was. „Hotch, I am so sorry. I, um, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."
„It's okay", Aaron said but Reid shook his head: „No, it's not. I'm the narcissist. I wanted to sleep with you so bad, I didn't care about your feelings. You obviously did not want to and that's okay and I get that. I had no right to say anything."
Spencer figured he now had completely disgraced himself by admitting his desire and as Hotch started „Reid, like I said...", he interrupted him, desperately trying to save the situation somehow. „I mean I know it wouldn't have meant anything but I... I guess I just wanted to take advantage of the situation. Things like this normally don't happen to me. It was selfish to wish for you to cheat on your wife but as I said I knew it would not have meant anything. Can we please just forget about all of it?"
His head was filled with words he could not put into sentences, he could not express and before he kept on babbling, he left the bathroom and went back to his seat. Luckily the others were still asleep, he was too exhausted and too confused to explain what he had been doing at the bathroom for so long. And why Hotch had been with him.
The only thing he could set his hope onto was the fact that since the other man did not have an eidetic memory he might have not gotten all of what he had said and he would forget about some things. He knew that they would focus on the case for now, so he had time to sort out his thoughts. He decided that as soon as he had come to a conclusion, he would write Hotch a letter. When it came to feelings he could express himself better when writing them down. Talking about it seemed to always make things worse as today's discussion had shown.
Hotch came back from the bathroom and Spencer quickly grabbed the file and studied the photos of the dead bodies. He came up to him but before he could say anything it was announced that they would be landing in ten minutes.
