Author Note – The fourth and final chapter, enjoy.

No Place Like Home – chapter four

Olivia closes the door behind Lucy and Carisi as they walk down the hallway. She smiles lightly at their coy attempt at holding hands, trying and failing to ignore the slightly envious thought of why it's never been that easy for her. Her hand pauses over the lock and wonders whether to push it down or not. She usually does when she's on her own at night. She's not alone tonight. Her index finger brushes over it, pushes it down and she drops her hand before she has the chance to second guess herself.

Turning slowly, she faces Elliot as he stands at the opposite end of her living area with his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking lost and like he's not quite sure what to do. She's not even sure what to do. Save for the short car ride before dinner, they haven't been alone in the same room for a long time. She shouldn't be nervous but she is. Pushing herself forward she drops her gaze from his as she brushes past him to poke her head around Noah's door to check on her son. He's still sleeping soundly, like Lucy said he had been all night. Pulling the door ajar behind her, she returns to the living room only to avoid Elliot's gaze as she discards her shawl onto the kitchen counter.

"How is he?" Elliot asks thickly behind her.

"Still sleeping," she replies as she runs her hands over the material, flattening it as much as possible. The room feels thick with tension even though they spent an enjoyable evening with their former team. For once no one focused on what separated them rather they spent the evening catching up and reminiscing over fond memories. There had been nothing of the future or anything too probing.

"Is he a good sleeper?"

She cocks her head to the side but doesn't have the courage to completely face him. It's an ordinary question for parents to ask each other. She's even talked about Noah's sleep patterns with the other parents at day care. It's easier to talk about their kids than it is to start a conversation about themselves. He asked it the same way another parent would. Simple.

Yet, they have been anything but simple.

"He is since he stopped teething," Olivia replies. "Do you want a drink?"

Elliot shakes his head. "I'm good thanks, I have to drive back to the hotel." Pause. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine," she gives her default answer then feels him step up behind her. She shakes her head and finally turns to face him to halt his progression. Lifting her eyes to his she asks, "Why didn't you tell them you were moving back to New York?"

Elliot lifts his chin, his expression contorting into a frown as he draws his head back from the intimate incline it had been in when she turned to him. "It's none of their business."

"But it's mine?"

"Yeah," he shrugs as if it's obvious.

"Why? Because you might change your mind?"

"I'm coming back," he stresses out. "I didn't tell them because I didn't want to take focus away from tonight. They'll find out soon enough anyway."

She has no idea why she questioned his intent, it isn't even what's bothering her. She did wonder during dinner whether he would announce it to the others but he never did, even when they promised to try to make their reunion an annual event. Elliot takes half a step forward, breaking through her thoughts.

"What are you thinking about?"

Olivia rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest, her hands rubbing her bare arms lightly. She purses her lips, then draws her top lip between her teeth and gnaws it lightly as she watches him watch her. Once again she hates it's harder for them discuss this than it ever was for them to discuss a case.

"You said you didn't want to mess up my life," she declares quietly.

"And that still stands," he promises softy. He stares at her, his frown softening as he edges forward again. "What's bothering you?"

"I want to know what you meant by it."

"What do you mean?"

"What part of my life do you think you'll mess up? I mean it can't be work and it won't be Noah," she pauses, meeting his eyes. "And I want to know why you're scared of it."

"Aren't you?"

His simple yet honest answer-come-question should annoy her. It doesn't because she would probably have said the same thing if their roles were reversed. It, coupled with his open expression, tells her everything she needs to know.

"There's nothing to disrupt," Olivia tells him. The truth is there's been no one since Brian. Noah has taken up most of her time since then and she's been content but sometimes she does get lonely after he's gone to bed and misses someone else there. "I don't know why you think you would."

"Just making sure, you're not exactly open when it comes to the people you're seeing."

"You blame me?" She scoffs, hoping it comes off as light hearted despite the uneasy memories the conversation is evoking. Thankfully, Elliot jumps on her attempt to temper the conversation.

"Nah, Munch can get protective," he jokes but it falls a little flat. They suck at this.

"Just Munch, huh?" Olivia retorts with a pointed look.

"Okay, Fin too," Elliot relents with a forced grin and she rewards him with a tight smile, which they both drop seconds later. He clears his throat loudly as he maintains steady eye contact. "You have to know if you were happy with any of them, I would have been happy for you."

"I know," she replies heavily.

"I would have been jealous and I probably wouldn't have liked any of them," he qualifies, his eyes steady on hers. She stares back, slightly shocked by the justification she's never needed for his behaviour towards any man who ever showed his attraction to her. It was just another thing they didn't talk about. "But I would have been happy for you."

"Why don't you think I was happy with them?" She frowns. He doesn't need or want any focus on his admission. She doesn't want to focus on it because it would blur her thoughts right now. Her aim is to keep the conversation moving and not get distracted by what-ifs.

"You never said anything."

"So wanting some privacy means I was unhappy?" Olivia asks rhetorically, her voice rising an octave. Elliot doesn't react, just waits for the rest of her answer. "We were in each other's lives, day in, day out, I wanted something for myself."

Elliot bobs his head. "That the real reason?"

He knows her too well and doesn't back down when she glares at him. She glances away, sways her body away from his slightly. "I didn't want anyone to question it," she admits quietly.

He knows her too well.

"Anyone?" He questions, bowing his head toward her, leaning into her personal space. "Including you?"

Olivia turns back to him. Their eyes link again. He isn't really questioning her, rather stating. He's too confident to be questioning, he just wants, needs, to hear it from her.

He knows her too well.

"Including me," she confirms with resolute nod.

He shakes his head.

"What?" Olivia asks, her head following his, trying to keep eye contact.

"Do we really need to interrogate each other about this?" He sighs.

"It's the only way we know," she says a small laugh escaping. "Probably the safest way."

He smiles sadly, wistfully.

"What do you want to happen when you come back to New York?"

"I don't-."

"Elliot," she stops him. She needs to hear him say it. "What do you want to happen?"

"I want…I want a lot of things."

"Elliot!" Olivia groans in exasperation. He laughs gently out of frustration rather than humour and his fingers curl around her elbow as she turns away from him. She shrugs him off lightly and lifts a hand to release the clip in her hair. She combs her fingers through the tresses and it settles on to her shoulders.

"This isn't easy Liv," Elliot says, his fingers return to her elbow and turn her gently.

"I know that," she agrees. "But we've known each other for nearly eighteen years and if you want things to change, you need to tell me."

"I do want things to change."

'This is absurd,' she thinks to herself.

Elliot gestures between them. "We finally figured out how to be friends without it being awkward and I don't want that to change when I move back." Elliot shakes his head. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Olivia watches him as he moves back and leans against the back of the sofa, his hand dropping from her arm. "No," she assures him. "I'm glad you told me. It's just a lot of…"

"Pressure," Elliot finishes for her.

"Yeah," she breathes out. He watches her for a moment, a smile growing on his face. "What?"

"Nothing," he waves her off then rethinks it. "Maybe that's where we're going wrong, thinking about what could go wrong."

"We would be different people if we didn't."

"We're different from the people we used to be."

"We are," Olivia agrees, almost sadly.

She likes her life now, but sometimes she yearns for the way things were when they were working together, before everything got complicated. She misses the early years when no one wondered if they were anything other than partners, when neither one of them wondered if they were anything more than partners. More than once she put their attraction down to their intense work, hoping it was nothing more than a consequence of mutual understanding but then if that was true that attraction would have phased out after years of not working together and thinking of missed opportunities wouldn't cause her heart to ache. She can't go through that again.

"Whatever happens, I can't wait for you. Not again."

Elliot stares back at her. Her omission more revealing than she intended it to be, it's more than she's said before, more than he ever has. She knows giving him that kind of ultimatum is a gamble. She hates having to push him in to a spur of the moment decision which could risk everything. But she needs to know. She hopes she's expressing what amounts to a brave face to support her brave words, but she knows there's a part of her that would wait, their instinctual connection which is deeper than their friendship or attraction deserves perseverance even if it's never rewarded.

Elliot pushes off of the back of the sofa and stops in front of her. His face unreadable. She steps back but is stopped by the counter behind her. Their height difference makes it seem like he's looming over her, the air thick with nervous energy. She tilts her face up and she stares into his eyes for a long beat.

"I want a chance not to screw up again," he tells her quietly, dropping his head closer to hers.

She doesn't answer, just lifts up to touch her lips to his.