A/N: yep… another year has gone by and another Christmas is here! That means... I must add another chapter to this fic! I actually wrote this chapter last year, but I wasn't too happy with the way it turned out... so after a really nasty bout of writer's block and fiddling with details, I finally got this chapter sounding semi okay... but by that time, it was summer. Haha! It didn't feel right to update a Christmas fic during summer! So yeeah, here it is... I again apologize for the OOC-ness...
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach in any way. This work is meant only as a tribute to the greatness of bleach.
Warning: Lots of swearing!
Christmas Magic
Chapter 4
A Feeling Similar To Loneliness
By Flower_on_thewind
"There isn't enough icing on that side, you idiot, the second floor is going to fall." Ichigo said to Tatsuki.
"Be quiet! I know what I'm doing. Quick, Karin, give me more icing!" Tatsuki said with her eyes determined. They've come so far, damnit! She wasn't going to break it now! It was a very tense moment. A miscalculation could mean that the last two hours were a waste of effort.
Wait a second…
Two hours!?!?!?!??
"Shit!"
Yuzu jumped in surprise, Karin's eyes quickly targeted the person who said the s-word, Tatsuki nearly broke the second floor, and Ichigo's eyes were glued onto the clock, as if he were demanding it to turn back.
"What's wrong?" Yuzu asked worriedly.
"Damnit, I gotta go. I need to meet someone. I'll be back late, so don't wait for me." Ichigo said nonchalantly before running upstairs, earning one glare of disgust from Karin, and one conflicted look from Yuzu. Once again, Tatsuki felt like an outsider in the house.
"Hey, hold on a sec! It's Christmas Eve! Can't this wait?" Tatsuki asked in a reprimanding tone.
"It can't. It's really important." He called from the top step.
'Even more than your family?' Tatsuki wanted to ask, but she refrained herself from doing so. No sense picking a fight when he already ran away... She sighed
"But what about the gingerbread house?! Ichigo~ That's not fair! That's..." It was no use, Ichigo couldn't hear her. Yuzu body went tense. Her face was still yet her eyes....
"Yuzu..."
"I don't understand... Why does ni-san always do this to us? He's always going somewhere and-and..." tears spilt over onto Yuzu's cheeks while she tried to get her voice back. "It's Christmas..." she blurted out.
It broke Tatsuki's heart to see the little girl upset. Tatsuki knew that Yuzu loved her brother endlessly, and to see her so crushed was unsettling. Tatsuki's motherly instincts automatically kick in. "Shhh, it's okay; he'll probably be back in an hour. It's not like he has to be here every minute of the day."
"But he's always gone for really long hours, and he doesn't tell us where he's off to. And it- it's just ...that I'm so worried about him... and… it's just- there's so much to do for Christmas, and I'm trying my very best to make it work, but I-I don't get it..." She raised a hand to cover her face in shame. "Why doesn't it feel like Christmas this year?" She asks in a small voice, "I'm s-sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm being silly for crying like a baby, but I... but I can't stop...can't stop crying...OooOooh" Yuzu sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's my fault. I'm sorry…" She chanted.
Karin was freaking out. Her sister was crying – seriously crying. The only thing that registered to Karin was that her brother had something to do with it. To Kurosaki Karin, nobody makes her sister cry and gets away with it; brother or no brother. She had her own issues with Ichigo too. It was Christmas, and screw Ichigo if he didn't care about the family anymore. As Karin saw it, if he didn't care about them, then she didn't have to care about him!
Jerk.
Karin ran upstairs to give him a piece of her mind. While Tatsuki...well, Tatsuki was lost. She had one crying kid and one angry kid running away. 'Oh shit, what do I do?' Tatsuki panicked. Which one should she go to first? She glanced at Yuzu who just buried her face into her hands. Tatsuki only knew one thing: she had to try.
"Yuzu...you know how Ichigo is-"
"Go away! I want to be alone." Yuzu said tearfully.
This wasn't working…
"Look…" Tatsuki tried again. "He's a jerk in theory, but you know that he'd never treat you guys badly…"
Yuzu wiped her eyes and said thickly, "I know…but... it's like we're second to something else. I feel... I feel..."
'A Feeling Similar to that of Loneliness...'
A feeling like…
"...like being abandoned." Tatsuki said more to herself than to Yuzu.
"...Maybe...well… that's not quite the right word..." Yuzu mumbled. "But… whatever it is, I don't like it."
A cold feeling washed over Tatsuki at the same time as loud noises sounded from upstairs. The tense mood was ruined, but it did not alleviate Tatsuki's heavy heart.
"...Tatsuki... Can you go upstairs to stop Karin? I'd go, but... I don't want Ichigo to see me like this." Yuzu admitted softly.
"Sure thing," Tatsuki left Yuzu's side to run upstairs towards the banging and yelling.
She had a gut feeling that she'll be playing referee in an ugly wrestling match...
The moment when Ichigo ran into his room and shut the door, his closet slid opened with a force to be feared. Two burning blue eyes gave him the scariest death glare he'd ever seen.
"You're late." Rukia stated in a cold, deadpan voice.
"I know, I know. It's not my f-"
"Four." Rukia cut in suddenly.
"Huh?"
"I felt Renji's reiatsu flare into combat exactly four times." The room suddenly felt chilly. Ichigo faintly wondered if she was going to ram him through with her Sode no Shirayuki.
"Ah... sorry," he said weakly. Then he paused to consider everything... "I'm apologizing because of what!?!?! So what if that baboon was fighting Hollows? It's his frickin job!"
"That's not the point!" Rukia cried, exasperated.
"It is!" Ichigo exclaimed before realizing the volume of his voice. "Why the hell are you making me work overtime lately," he gritted out in a barely quiet hiss. Rukia's resolve faltered.
"We're short on our reserves..." Rukia tried weakly.
"Liar. If that's true, then explain why Renji's been picking his nose at Urahara's. And why am I the one who has to run across the whole frickin town when he's obviously closer to the hollow? This is extortion! This is- "
"None of your business," Rukia shot back.
"The fuck it isn't! I'm missing Christmas for this shit. I deserve to know why."
Rukia took a second to consider Ichigo's words. "Renji is..." she hesitantly started. Ichigo scoffed at her hesitation. She was so being so obvious.
"Look, I know-"
BAM BAM BAM
'Oh shit' was written all over Ichigo and Rukia's faces.
"Ichigo, you jerk! Open up!" Karin cried. "You're one big asshole, you know that? Wait till I tell Dad what you did! He'll kick your ass for sure!"
"Fuck" Ichigo swore under his breath while slamming the closet door shut, and nearly clipping Rukia's nose in the process.
His day was getting better and better...
Karin ran upstairs and stopped in front of Ichigo's door. She what little rationality that was left in her mind kept her from barging right in. She could hear Ichigo talking in his room. He was probably on his cell phone talking to this special "someone" about that special "something" which Ichigo tries to hide. She exhaled sharply at this thought. The fact that he was lying made her so mad. Karin wasn't stupid. She knew about the Hollows and his Shinigami powers and yet... he kept them from the truth.
Of course... even though this was the true reason to Karin's anger, her own mental blocks wouldn't allow her to come to this conclusion. It was too petty of a reason to be mad at Ichigo. She knew he was busting his ass trying to save the world. She should be supportive. Should. So instead letting herself get mad at the real reason, she let all of her feelings out under a different pretense
Yuzu...
How dare he make her cry! Hero or not, Karin could not forgive this so easily. And he was their big brother too! With a sudden burst of resolve, Karin pounded Ichigo's door.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!
"Ichigo, you jerk! Open up!" Karin cried. "You're one big asshole, you know that? Wait till I tell Dad what you did! He'll kick your ass for sure!" There was some shuffling on the other side of the doorway when suddenly...
"What?" His voice dripped with irritation as he opened his door, and there stood his sister glaring at him with all the hate she could muster. Hate that made his stomach cold, yet he couldn't do anything about it.
It was at that same moment in which Tatsuki arrived upstairs. She saw the door open, and heard the dripping annoyance in Ichigo's voice. Something about that voice pissed her off. Her own anger was seeping out of her like a black mist. Tatsuki furrowed her eyebrows, but refrained from doing anything else. Now was not an appropriate time for her to lose her cool.
"You made Yuzu cry." Karin's voice mirrored Ichigo's, but dripped with disdain instead. "You better go apologize right now! You fricking dumbass, or I'll tell Dad about your secret." It was a silly threat made in the heat of the moment, but it worried Ichigo. Karin couldn't know...well... actually she probably could... Wait. Yuzu is crying? Since when? What happened? Why was it his fault?
There was a loud bang from his closet. It was easily mistaken for some box falling down, but Ichigo knew the truth. He had to hurry. Even though he was arguing with Rukia earlier, the fact that four Hollows came into the real world without him noticing made him feel guilty. Not to mention the fact that Renji would be in his face about it later... He had to make sure that the town was going to be okay for the rest of the night. The sooner he dealt with his Shinigami problems, the sooner he can deal with his family problems.
"Look, I can't deal with this right now! Tell Yuzu I'm sorry for whatever I did, but I can't deal with you brats right now. I've got some important things to do!" He gripped the door knob and proceeded in slamming the door.
"You fucking bastard! She really is crying!" Karin grabbed the door before Ichigo could close it and lunged at him. It was a good thing that Tatsuki was quick on her feet and kept Karin from throwing her first attack.
"Karin!" Tatsuki said harshly although her own anger was hardly directed to Karin. "Get a hold of yourself! You don't attack your own family like that. Now go downstairs and keep your sister company." Tatsuki's sharp tone and commanding presence demanded obedience. Karin grudgingly stomped back downstairs feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed. "I HATE YOU!" She yelled before going down the stairs. A painful emotion flicked through Ichigo's cold face before returning into a scowl.
Once Karin was safely downstairs, Tatsuki turned to Ichigo with barely concealed contempt. Ichigo just stared back with a defensive I-didn't-do-anything-wrong look. "Wow, you handled that well." She said sarcastically.
"Oh, shut up. I don't have time for this," was his irritated reply, "She was over reacting, and you know it. I didn't do anything wrong earlier, and I get this shit to deal with," he sneered and rubbed his face to relieve his stress. Karin didn't really mean it... at least... that was what he tried to convince himself.
Tatsuki looked at him like he grew another arm. 'I don't have the time for this... didn't do anything wrong...' These sentences struck Tatsuki like a physical blow. It was... It was... disrespect. And Tatsuki had enough of it. She snapped.
"You jerk!"
She surprised Ichigo with a swift right hook, earning her a pleasant groan of pain. Her eyes were unforgiving as Ichigo stared back with dead eyes.
"You make me sick, you know that?" She gritted between clenched teeth. "Jesus, your sister was upset and all you gave was that shitty attitude? What the hell is that? I'm doing my fucking best, trying to fill in YOUR shoes while you do jackshit! What the fuck is that? You're despicable. You were raised better than that. For crying out loud- what's with this shitty attitude, huh? Even your family is sick of this bullshit!"
She picked up his collar and slammed him against the wall. Their faces were inches apart, and their eyes never backing down from this battle of wills. "Do you think it's easy for us to see you disappear all the time? What are you doing? Playing hero again? Jesus, can't you see it's affecting your family? Or are you too much of a bastard to see it?" She spat out.
Ichigo just stared back at her. Slowly some fire was coming back into his eyes. "Are you done spewing your spit into my face? For your information, I'm doing my fucking best, okay? I can't always be there for them. I have other responsibilities too, you know. And what the hell do you know about my life? What do you know about the things I have to do? Don't you come in to this house thinking you know everything about me! Cuz you don't! You don't know anything! You know jackshit about me or what I do or what I've been through, so just stay out of it. Just mind your god damn fucking busine-"
Tatsuki shoved her fist into his gut. Ichigo, recovering from having the air punched out of him, used his dead weight to push Tatsuki away. Tatsuki, being no stranger to physical contact, rolled Ichigo over so that he was pinned to the ground instead of her. Tatsuki wasn't hearing anything anymore. All she saw was red. All she heard was his voice saying, 'You don't know anything'. She was lost in a world of anger, hurt, and Ichigo's voice repeating the most sacrilegious words that she could have ever heard. It tormented her until she finally broke.
"You arrogant jerk! Then what does 11 years of friendship mean to you? HUH?" Tatsuki emphasized her point by giving Ichigo a rough shove into the wooden floor. "I'm fricking the oldest friend you have! You can't say that it means nothing!" She gripped his collar to pull him closer.
"I was there when you'd cry at the dojo. I was there when your mom died. I was there through elementary and middle school! It was me, god damnit! You can't say... You can't- fuck, I even kicked you in the nuts and we were still friends after that. And what do you say now? THAT I FUCKING DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL?" She released his collar and raised a hand to run through her hair in frustration. These feelings... it was as if she was too full inside and it was all going to burst out. These feelings that resemble loneliness and abandonment... of her always wondering...
"What am I to you?" Her voice was small and unsure, but was spoken with such power that it rendered Ichigo speechless.
There was an awkward pause now. Tatsuki shifted off of Ichigo and sat with her back facing him. Ichigo was contemplating. He knew that he needed to say something – anything. But he couldn't. Words died at his throat.
"...you're..." 'My best friend...' was what he wanted to say, but he couldn't say that. Tatsuki chose her best friend back in middle school: Orihime. It was a decision that bothered him even though he'd never acknowledge it.
"You're being stupid. I didn't mean it like... I... I didn't mean it. You know me..." He trailed off wondering if she really did. Did they change so much that? Ichigo hoped not... Tatsuki was-
"Forget it." She sighed in defeat. She turned to face him; her composure was solid like a rock. Her voice took on a more business-like tone. "None of that matters right now. But...just... look, your sisters are missing you, and the least you can do is be there for them on Christmas." She gave a bitter laugh and looked away from Ichigo. It hurt too much too look at him. "God, did you know that Karin's losing faith in you? And Yuzu... she's been worried sick because of you! And you... you're just... You're in your own little world and none of us can touch you." Tatsuki ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "Look, I'll tell you this straight. If you don't fix this soon, not only will your sisters give up on you, but I'm going to kick your ass until you can't sit right, understand? You can run away from me, but not them. They're your sisters."
She stood up to walk away, but thought better of it.
'You know me…' heh... yeah, she knew him all right. He was a baka.
One that she couldn't stay mad at.
This time, she tilted her head to face Ichigo again... but her eyes still refused to look at him.
"I'll... sigh... I'll take care of things here until you finish whatever business you need to take care of... but... you know....it's Christmas. You should be home with your family..." unable to take this awkward conversation any longer, Tatsuki turned to leave the room, never once looking at Ichigo.
"...You know... Karin said that she hated you. If you aren't a scumbag, then you would talk to her about that. The Ichigo I know would at least do that for his sister."
As Tatsuki closed the door behind her, the closet door opened. Ichigo sat unmoving from the floor, and barely acknowledge the small girl beside him.
"Ichigo?" Rukia knelt down to see the damage. His cheek was already a purple colour and swelling just slightly.
"...what is it now?" He asked tiredly.
"Ichigo... I'm sorry about everything... but... would it be better if we left now?"
Ichigo slowly got up from the floor. His hand tentatively checking the damage on his cheek. He almost smiled from the pain... 'That Tatsuki...'
"No. Go get Renji to help you out tonight. That baboon has done nothing at all lately."
"We can't! Renji is training his bankai right now, Azien's attack is coming, that's why you and I need to-"
"I don't care! It's not important!"
"And this is?" Rukia countered.
Ichigo gave his cheek another rub.
".... yes it is."
Rukia stood motionless as his words sunk in. She knew deep down that she was being unreasonable... but still... "Fine." She turned towards the window. "It's your choice."
Ichigo gave a mirthless chuckle, "You know, you should just tell Renji how you feel about him instead of using me as an excuse to hide." Rukia spun around with eyes wide open. How did he-
Ichigo's eyes met hers with a knowing look.
"S-shut up! God, just enjoy your dumb festival!" And with that she jumped out of the window – cheeks flaming.
Ichigo plopped onto his bed, contemplating how he should apologize to everyone. In all honesty, he was more likely gathering his courage to do so. Apologizing was a sappy thing -- something he wasn't good at. Before long, Ichigo had accidentally fallen asleep on his bed. You can't blame the guy, though. You try killing seven hollows, baking cookies, and get beaten up by girls. It's quite tiring.
A/N: I started this fic hoping to capture those warm and fuzzy feelings that come with Christmas time… but at the same time, I realize that Christmas is also a stressful time, and these feelings aren't always there every Christmas. Trying to define these feelings and what Christmas essentially "is," and trying to show the difficulties of changing relationships… These themes started popping up as I was writing this chapter and I realize that the magic of Christmas is very difficult to write about! Furthermore, my writing skills are not the best in the world, so… it is difficult to express the feelings sometimes…
All in all, I hope these chapters made you feel something – anything at all. I'll try to squeeze in another chapter before Christmas, if not… see you next year!
Flower_on_thewind
