Staff Pilfering
Author: WhimsicalMayhem
The jungle was dense. Foliage was cramped together, green overlapping green and trees covering them all. How could such a large place seem so claustrophobic? Almost upon entering Gaige had the want of fresher, less musty air, than that of the Pandorian jungle.
The jungle was the only jungle on Pandora and as such was named adequately; Tangleweed. It was more a solid plant matter mass than an actual place, it'd undisturbed growth allowing it to really fill out its shell.
Gaige was torn between wishing she had gone to get the rocks with Axton, or being thankful that Krieg had been the one to come with her.
The psychos buzzax was slicing through the jungle like a hot knife through butter. No offending plant was shown mercy, especially those that fought back. He mumbled things about a salad of carnage, but otherwise remained quiet. He had been surprisingly sedated since he had been chosen to go with Gaige. Which had been a bit of a surprise to the mechromancer seeing as Krieg and her didn't really send much time together.
Almost as interesting as the above, but more amusing, was the fact that Krieg had added to his small amount of clothes; a fedora, brown with a slightly wider brim. She didn't ask about it and he didn't mention it, so the mechromancer giggled at it from afar. She hadn't the slightest idea why he had wanted to wear it, but that was fine he was embracing a style of his own while a style of his own while making his way through a jungle where even the small flowers could kill you.
Ripping her attention away from Krieg's broad back, Gaige glared down at a tattered, faded cloth map. Claptrap had given it to her and it was supposed to lead them to the path to Mount Schuler, which was smack dab in the middle of Tangleweed; or so they thought. The only sky to go off of was the emerald illumination of the canopy above, and it wasn't like they could see more than five feet in any direction. There could have been a bullymong following them and they would never know.
"I hope this map Claptrap gave us is still accurate." Gaige mused aloud. Her voice was sucked up amidst the trees, and it was with such speed that she wondered if Krieg had heard her at all.
"I mean-" she continued. "It looks really old and decrepit and stuff."
Krieg grunted but didn't otherwise respond. Gaige thought they would be doomed to a think silence for the rest of their mission, when something small ricocheted off of her shield. She paused and looked around but saw nothing.
"Weird..." She muttered.
"Shrimp wish for the bloody cocktail if our anemones?" Asked Krieg.
"Uh... No, it was nothing, I think. Just-"
Another something whistled past Gaige, just barely missing her ear, and connecting with a tree nearby."
"-ooor not."
Krieg turned to face her, his muscles tense and his breathing heavy. Gaige was stock still, her breath held in anticipation.
The projectile looked almost like a healing hypo, except filled with a thick purple slime that dropped down the tree in a slow, viscous manner.
"Run?" suggested Gaige.
"Lions roared and retreat from gazelles!"
Several more hybrid-hypos shot into the space.
"Today is a good day to bank!" the psycho roared.
Both Krieg and Gaige tore off, shoving and slicing at the underbrush that hindered their way. The hypos were shot quickly and accurately, each one either hitting too close to home, or chipping away at their shields.
"Soulless killer?" called back Krieg.
"Zer0's not here." Gaige painted back.
"Bolts and bullets?"
"You mean Deathtrap?"
"Affirmative private!"
"I can't-" Gaige ducked as a tree branch nearly beheaded her. "-or at least not yet. He's too big to fit between all the trees; he'll get stuck!"
Turning she shot blindly with her corrosive SMG. Something squealed and there was a thud.
"Hey!" exclaimed Gaige. Krieg paused, looking back at his companion. "I think I may have killed it..."
Slowly, they crept up. There, on the ground, was a tiny person. It looked like a midget psycho, with slight differences. Their entire body was covered in tribal tattoos. It was outfitted in a leafy headdress and a foliage skirt. On its side was an automatic blowgun and a wickedly sharp spear.
The mechromancer nudged it with her foot.
"Ha," she spat. "Bitch."
Quick as lightning, two hypos bounced off of her chest, completely taking her shield down. The third one sank into her thigh, the purple liquid disappearing into her veins, filling them like peanut butter. It was excruciating.
Gaige's scream echoed, before the forest muted it, taking it into its dark leafy lair and never letting it go. She dropped like a rock, her leg losing all feeling except for a dull throbbing ache.
"The hooded one shall not kidnap your sauce today shrimp!" Krieg hoisted her over his shoulder, dodging the spears that shot through the dense leaves.
"Krieg, I can't-"
"Shrimps do not have mouths to eat with, so screeching is not plausible!"
The psycho took off at an impressive speed. Gaige supposed this shouldn't have surprised her; after all, he was the second biggest man she knew and an absolute beast.
Seeing as only her leg was injured and, while Krieg's butt wasn't necessarily a bad thing to look at, she decided that the more pressing matter at hand took priority.
"Die bitches! Anarchy!" she screamed as she peppered the jungle with her corrosive bullets. Krieg dodged spears and hypos as best he could, while still hacking through the jungle, but the numbers seemed to be increasing. Small figures bolted in and out of view; mere shadows among the underbrush.
"Krieg..." she warned. "We have incomings."
The trees around them exploded with life, figures wrestling to get a grip. What seemed like hundreds of bodies surrounded them, some slamming into Krieg and others randomly jabbing with spears.
Krieg lost his balance, shouting something like "meat haunches down!", and Gaige fell with him. They tumbled. Apparently somewhere in front of them there had been a drop, and then they were free falling. Gaige landed on her back, the wind knocked out of her lungs and her vision blackening. She choked and struggled in the effort for breath.
"Shrimp out of water, your sauce still flows fresh. To die is to live!"
Gaige was expecting to be wrenched up in typical Krieg fashion. Instead, she was gently set up; Krieg's large hand on her back.
"Is-" she coughed "that your new nickname for me? Shrimp?"
"If the technicolor flip-flop fits."
She closed her eyes, leaning against his hand in an attempt to steady her breathing.
"I'm not that short." she panted.
All she got in response was a maniacal laugh.
Gaige attempted to stand, but her leg gave out. Krieg picked her up by the hood of her jacket.
"We'll that's not good. I don't think I can walk." She grimaced. "What is that stuff?"
Krieg didn't respond, instead giving a grunt and throwing the mechromancer over his shoulder once more.
"Hey, hey!" She exclaimed.
"When you can't scurry, get someone to hoist your net! This fisherman will not let his catch fail." He adjusted her, causing a shoulder to jab into Gaige's stomach.
"Okay, the fish talk I'd getting old. I liked it better when you talked crazy and I couldn't understand what you were saying." The mechromancer harrumphed, crossing her arms as best she could.
The place they had fallen was dim, but not dark, light seeping in through the far away opening. It looked like an ordinary ravine, until she noted the large ornately carved stone door.
"There." Gaige pointed out."I bet that's our ticket into the mountain.
Mount Schuler was a squat mountain, but what it lacked in height it more than made up for in range and access ability. Assuming you could make it through the jungle to get to the base. Mount Schuler's caverns and tunnels led on for miles in every direction, often maze-like in their lead.
Krieg turned to inspect the door, in turn causing Gaige to face the opposite direction. The mechromancer groaned.
"According to the map, there's a puzzle we have to solve to get through the door. If you could let me see it, maybe I could-"
Krieg maniacal laugh, coupled with his exclamation of "BOOMTIME!" told Gaige that puzzle solving was not happening and instead something cooler was going to happen.
An explosion rocked the earth around them, sending a dangerous amount of debris raining down from above. Krieg, who had barely flinched, set the mechromancer down and attended to the rubble that had previously been the door.
Now in a wider area, Gaige decided to summon Deathtrap, if not for protection, then for the simple task of lugging her around.
"Come little shrimp; the trove has just been popped." Scooping down and replacing his hat, Krieg gestured for her to enter.
What Gaige saw was… was…
Well, less than climatic, really.
It was a tunnel, slanted up. Not only that but it was an extraordinarily long slanted tunnel. Her and Krieg followed it up and around for what seemed to be hours without their being hide nor hair of an end. Gaige was starting to really get worried when the psycho started panting.
"You okay up there big guy? We can stop for a breather." She called up to him. Krieg gave an odd whiny grunt, but didn't stop moving forward.
Clink.
A pressure plate sank under the psycho's foot. The ceiling down the hallway opened up and out came a large stone ball that looked big enough and heavy enough to crush them both under its massive girth.
Kinda like Ellie on a bad day.
"Uh oh." Gaige murmured. Krieg gave a loud groan.
"In miseries life, comes glorious calves." He growled and Gaige swore she could hear the eye roll.
Then the ball started to roll…
…and Krieg unholstered his launcher and exploded it into tiny, tiny pieces.
"Fortune and gory, kid. Fortune and gory." The psycho muttered before adjusting his hat and continuing his trek.
Gaige blinked. Turning to DT she whispered.
"He's either really badass or batshit crazy. I haven't decided yet."
From there it wasn't too much longer. The temperature was starting to drop even more so from when they first set foot in the cave system. By the time Gaige and Krieg finally got to the door, frost was lightly covering its surface.
"This should be it." Gaige declared. Krieg grunted. Instead of blowing this door up, he bum rushed it, taking it off of its stone track and crashing both door and psycho into the snow.
The top of Mount Schuler was covered in ice and snow. A bitterly cold wind caused Gaige to shiver; it was like tiny, icy daggers being dug into her skin. She wondered how her companion was faring, being dressed in even less than she.
The mechromancer found him making snow sirens. She left him to that, figuring that the lost staff shouldn't be that hard to locate now that they had finally reached the peak.
Through the blizzardy gusts, Gaige made out an altar. It stood tall against the winds, erected stones with archaic emblems that wove from tip to base. They were placed strategically in a semicircle; assumedly to protect something from the wind.
That something, Gaige realized, was curled up in a tight coil around a large stone slab. While usually a charcoal black, when the creature breathed, the cracks in its fragmented skin showed a burning orange interior. Easily it s head was as big as her body; its long serpentine body lost within itself.
In short it was a great big fiery snake, coiled around the rest place of the staff sleeping soundly.
"Snakes." Bemoaned Krieg. "Why's it always gotta be snakes." He was practically cowering behind Gaige, who looked incredulously at the man.
"Are you for real? You've taken down Terramorphous and Pyrocaustic Pete and you're telling me that you're afraid of a souped up snake?" The mechromancer hissed. Krieg whined, eyes darting between the epic beast and the small redhead he was attempting to hide behind.
"Oh for the love of- fine." Gaige shoved the psycho off of her. "I'll go get the staff. Well, me and DT."
Slowly, she approached the creature. She was making the extra effort to remain silent, but figured that the odds of it waking were slim to none. It had been up here all that time…
…it didn't, however, take her completely off guard when its eyes shot open because A) snakes smell their prey and B) her fucking luck.
She dodged the first attack; it spat a glob of saliva that, on impact, glowed and melted the rocks around it. DT was hit by a tail lash and sent spinning. Drawing her SMG, Gaige peppered it, but no bullets seemed to pierce its scaly hide.
A buzzax whistled through the air and stuck true in the snake's flesh. That attack didn't even faze it, but its attention was drawn to the screaming psycho.
It lunged at him, and Krieg barely managed to dodge it. He wasn't so lucky on the second attack, where the tail wrapped around his middle and lifted him aloft. Gaige could hear Krieg's ribs cracking as the beast applied a crushing force to his chest.
The embersnake unhinged its jaw like… well, like a snake. Two pointy fangs dripped orange fluid onto the snow, melting it through. Krieg, in response, whacked at it with is buzzax to no effect.
And that was it. The monster stuck, its fangs nearly severing the psycho's torso from his waist, its venom liquefying his innards so that they mingled and pooled with the blood underneath him. Gaige watched, horrified, as it swallowed him whole, all that was left nothing more than an extra undulation to its body.
Or, Gaige assumed that's what would have happened.
With speed she didn't quite know she possessed, the mechromancer made a mad dash for her companion. Taking a flying leap, the creature's fangs sank, not into human flesh, but into the metal of her arm. It was totaled; what wasn't crushed was dissolving. But it was holding steady. Now that its mouth was propped open, Gaige pulled out a grenade.
"Hope MIRV tasted good bitch!" She tossed it down the snake's throat and it swallowed it.
At first nothing happened.
Then it was raining carnage and gore and the purity of the snow as tainted with the blood of their badassitude.
Now free of obstacles, Gaige entered the altar and for the first time, viewed the Lost Staff of Mount Schuler.
It was about six feet long and made of a shiny ebony metal that the mechromancer couldn't place. Smoothing a hand against it, she felt engravings that were not apparent to the naked eye. The staff was topped by a large chunk of eridium, shaped roughly to form a diamond.
It was cold in her hands, but Gaige didn't care. For the moment she reveled in her accomplishment. Ha word! I did it! I got the staff-
Aw crap.
"Son of a bitch!" She screamed. "Now we gotta walk all the way back down."
Krieg smiled. Krieg never smiled. Especially when his chest was concave and she was sure from his wheezy huffs that he had a punctured lung.
"You know how to fly, don't you?"
Gaige narrowed her eyes. "Uhhhh, no. Why? Do you?"
The mechromancer's eyes went wide. No… He wouldn't…
Suddenly she was over his shoulder again and he was looking towards the edge of the peak.
"Krieg no wait-" Gaige grasped the staff tighter in her hands.
"It's a leap of faith!" He roared back. The psycho took a bound right over the edge.
She was sure they heard it for miles. They probably heard it all the way back in Sanctuary. Mildly, she was surprised it didn't cause Krieg's head to explode.
"KRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!"
