AN: This is the author's note. I hoped you enjoyed reading it.
Review replies!
Skarto: Yay, someone got that joke. 10 pesetas for you.
Raitokage: Another fan of Super Quest, eh? That's cool. Thanks mucho for the review-o.
Kamesen: I'm glad you like this stuff and I'll think about your little request (: Smiley face!
Joebthegreat: I hope it pwns. I hope it pwns HARD! Thanks for the review.
dIvInE SeReNiTy: Yeah, I loved that line myself. I always thought Mendez was a blundering idiot anyways.
RavenGhost: Ada sure will appear later. Appreciate the input.
Evil Fang: I hate Ashley too. And be prepared for several 'accidents' to occur when she takes the stage.
Will Counter: Your first review ever? Wow, I feel special! Cheers for the review.
Let's begin…
RESIDUAL MEANY4!111ONE
Chapter the Fourth: "This is by Far One of the Longest Chapter Titles You May Ever Read In This Fic."
After being captured by Bittores "Balls" Mendez in a shack previously, Leon began to have a few disturbing dreams. He saw darkness, blurred images awash in his starry vision, conspiring evilly amongst themselves. A mystical gloved hand of sorts flew through the fabric of space, reaching out for his groin. Leon squealed in protest and attempted to fight the hand away but it simply slapped his own girly paws away easily. Then, a lone hooded figure comes into view, looking down at him maliciously and brandishing a mean-looking syringe of sorts. The syringe was seemingly full of Ribena or something, so Leon didn't make a move to resist.
With a sharp jab, the hooded guy sticks the syringe in Leon's neck harder than necessary, jerking the American fully awake.
"OWWWWEEeeehhhhhhhhhhh….!" Leon mopes with puffy lips before drooling on himself a bit and really falling unconscious.
X
A few blurry seconds later, Leon comes to. He looks about quickly and sees himself in another shitty shack. Over by the wall sits an XBOX console; yes the shack was really that shitty.
Leon tries to move but he notices two things: 1. He seemed to be tied up with that stupid Spanish guy from the previous chapter, and 2. His groin hurt.
Leon struggles with the handcuffs binding him and Spanish dude together in vain. Then, deciding that he couldn't free himself too easily, he angles his shoulders appropriately and elbows Spanish dude in the head. Hard.
SSSHHH-CRACKKK!
Spanish dude slumps over, blood pouring from his gaping mouth.
"Errmm, whoops." Leon mutters and instead tries to jerk the other man awake more politely.
Finally, Spanish dude wakes up and groans loudly.
"Ay ya ya, my head is killing me." He complains.
Leon shifts slightly. "Whatever. Now that you're awake, help me get out of these cuffs."
Spanish dude nods. "Me llamo Luis Sera…"
"I don't give a shit. Help me out here."
"…used to be a cop in Madrid…"
Leon grimaces in annoyance. "Did I ask you for your fucking life story? Just angle your hands a bit and-"
"Policia…you put your life on the line and no one appreciates…"
"You're damn right I don't appreciate this! Shut the hell up!"
"…The one with the viral outbreak? I thought I saw a sample of the porno in one of the labs in a facility."
"'-What's that about porno?" Leon asks, genuinely intrigued.
Luis clucks his tongue, thinking hard. "The leader of this cult is one Osmund Saddler. Rumoured to have the greatest batch of paparazzi celebrity porn that no one thought existed."
Leon's eyes widen and his pants become a bit tighter. "Holy Shit!"
Luis sighs. "I know what you mean amigo…but there's something I need to ask you…"
"I don't have any gum." Leon quips, hoping that Luis couldn't feel the packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblelicious in his back pocket.
Luis shakes his head slowly. "No, not that man. It's…something else."
Leon narrows his eyes in worry. Was he coming on to him? Well, he could hardly blame him…but he just didn't swing that way!
"…Does your crotch hurt?" Luis asks carefully.
Before Leon could answer, a bloodied Ganado comes out of nowhere, dragging a hefty axe along the floor. He came towards the now-struggling duo, bloody murder etched into his eyes.
"Do something, Cop!" Luis screams shrilly, bawling like a little bitch.
"What the fuck are you talking about!" Leon screams back.
Luckily, at that precise moment, a pair of pulsing red buttons appear in front of Leon's face. Leon, being the prissy that he is, shrieked wildly at the unknown things, flailing his legs at them hysterically. Thankfully, his right shoe planted on the buttons and a magical escape plan happened to pop into Leon's head.
"I've got it!" He yelled in triumph. "NOW!"
With great strength, Leon rolls to his side just as the Ganado's swinging axe screams down at him, effectively missing him entirely and ploughing into Luis Sera's arms, slicing them clean-off at the wrists.
"AIIEEEE!" Luis screams, staring at his bloody stumps as they squirted B positive all over his face, blinding him. Leon rolls clear from the danger, one hand still cuffed with Luis' severed hand whipping about everywhere on the other end. The Ganado recovers from the first swing and roars into a second attempt; heaving his axe above his head.
Leon quickly judo-flips back to his feet and knees the Ganado in his small sensitive balls, stopping him in mid-swing and buckling him over in total agony. The Ganado topples to the floor and lays still.
"Well," Leon begins, posing at the camera with a stupid smirk on his face. "How's that for poetic justice?"
SCREECH!
"EEEEEK!"
Leon jumps five-feet in the air before he realises it was his stupid radio again. He flicks it out.
"Yyello?"
It was the ever-unimportant Hunnigan again, ready to give out more pathetic advice to instil herself with some sort of karma to keep from vanishing from the very planes of existence.
"Leon, what happened to you? You haven't been answering the phone."
"Meh, I was knocked out. Some huge guy flipped me over and injected his juice into me."
It took four minutes for Hunnigan to swallow those particular words.
"…Do you have any clue just how wrong that sounded?"
Leon frowned, deciding he was done talking to such a critical person. "Hey, do you hear that Hunnigan? I think it's your shallow personality sinking into the depths of oblivion."
With a click, he hangs up and throws the phone at Luis' unconscious body. (He had passed out from the pain, but even so, with both his ankles snapped, where was he gonna go?)
Now done in the shitty shack, Leon makes his way to the exit when a strange hooded figure appears behind a small square window.
"Over here, stra-"
BLAMBLAMBLAM!
"FUCK!"
The merchant dives out of the way, realising his mistake. Leon quickly runs out of the shack to finish the job when he turns a corner and sees the merchant pointing an RPG right at his face.
"Welcome!" He says in a dreadfully familiar tone.
Leon lowers his gun at the voice. He knew he had heard it before…
"Hunnigan, is that you?" He asks.
At that, the Merchant falls backwards like an idiot and fires the rocket into the air harmlessly.
"Arrgh! My exquisite feminine ass!" Hunnigan screams.
Leon stares at her.
"Uhhh, I mean my chunky ass."
"What're you doing here?" Leon shuts her up.
Hunnigan gets up and dusts her ugly coat off.
"I am so sick of never doing anything! That's what! I'm always helping total morons like you complete assignements. And THEY always take the credit! Well, not any more. This time, with my plethora of weapons, I shall do this mission myself!"
"Sure you will. Say, can you spare any of those guns you speak of. This crappy little handgun of mine can't do jack shit."
Hunnigan opens her coat to reveal said arsenal. "Not for free of course."
"Right, right." Leon mumbles as he stares in awe at the weapons. Then he spotted something he seriously couldn't do without. "Ooooh, I'll take those two!"
Hunnigan slaps Leon in the face and closes her coat quickly. "Those are NOT for sale!"
Leon shakes the pain away from his swollen cheek. "…Story of my life."
Hunnigan slaps him again. "Shut UP! Your dialogue is terrible!"
TO BE CONTINUED
Back again in the semi-popular late night talk show, Ashley Graham and the hostess are sitting on the stage chairs of the show. The crowd is a mixed back of drooling guys and booing girls.
"Welcome back to the Resident Evil Talk Show." The Hostess gets the ball rollling. "Tonight, we have the heroine of RE4, Ashley Graham with me. So tell me, Ashley. How does it feel to be the main female appeal in a popular RE title?"
Ashley: "Well it has its ups and downs. From day one, I was reading the script and really tried to get into character and-"
Crowd: "Booo!"
Ashley: "Oh, shut the hell up you sadists!"
Hostess: "Everyone please quiet down. Ms Graham is trying to give a sophisticated talk on her role."
The audience goes quiet.
Ashley: "…Anyway, when I met Leon, we really connected. Like our characters were-"
Audience: "BOOOOOOOOO!"
Randon Fangirl: "Leon is MINE!"
Ashley: (Fuming) "How dare all of you! I fully deserve such a man."
From the stage, Leon sits up from his seat and hurls his combat knife at her.
Leon: "Try calling me a pervert again, you hussy! You KNOW I can't help it!"
The knife impales Ashley through her palm and pins it to the wall.
Ashley: "AIIEEEEEE!"
Suddenly, the hostess bolts from her seat, rips the knife out and launches it straight into Leon's chest.
Leon: "URRRK!" (He falls dead in his seat and selects 'Try Again')
The audience (minus the guys) continues booing hysterically, throwing all manner of shit onto the stage. Security personell rush onto the stage with riot shields and batons and struggle to keep the rabid anti-fans of Ashley under control.
Hostess: (Screaming over the pandemonium.) "We'll be back soon!"
X
AN: Meh, I could've done a lot better in this chapter. I might repost it when I have more time to spell-check and stuff so don't be put off if there was a few errors in this. As always, I just hope this kept you amused somehow. Cheerio!
