Chapter 3: Crash Course

Plot Hole – A mistake in continuity, which is either easily missed, or when the author is lazy.

(Okay, I don't know the exact definition, but I think this is close.)


Fox, Meta Knight, and Pikachu are flying through a plot hole at break-neck speed. It's sort of like going through a wormhole, except for… okay, there isn't much different. So anyway, our unlikely trio has recently escaped an explosion on the Frigate Orpheon, which was told to create clone Giygas'. If it weren't for the author's laziness, they wouldn't have survived.

"Where the hell does this thing lead?" asked Pikachu, the resident jerk.

"I am not quite sure. But we'll find out soon enough." Said Meta Knight, a knowledgeable and honorable knight thing.

"Whee!" said Fox (resident optimistic idiot), who is floating around with pure whimsy.

"Good thing we weren't blown up though. The story would have ended lots of chapters than intended, and I want my screen time dammit." Said Pikachu.

The plot hole suddenly shivered.

"Looks like we're emerging! Prepare for landing!" said Fox.

"Wait, what?" asked Pikachu.

A bright light flashed and suddenly they weren't in a trippy tunnel. Instead, they were thousands of feet above a planet. Fox and Meta Knight, who knew what to do during emergency crashes (yeah, Fox isn't too much of an idiot) landed gracefully. Pikachu however wasn't so lucky and landed on his face. Ouch.

"Uuuuurgh…" groaned Pikachu.

"Hmm, these surroundings are familiar, but I can't put my finger on it." Said Meta Knight.

"Well, the good thing is, we're finally safe! Hooray!" cheered Fox. Then they were suddenly bombarded with hovering cars going 500 MPH. Double ouch.

"Hey, it's you guys!" said a voice from a car that was turning around.

"OH NO! THE CAR KNOWS US AND IS COMING BACK FOR REVENGE!" screamed Fox.

"No you idiots, it's me!" said the voice. The car parked in front of them as a biker/samurai came out. Fox and Pikachu scratched their heads. The biker/samurai frowned. "I'm an assist trophy."

"Don't know you." Muttered Pikachu, who was in obvious pain after landing on his face and getting hit by several cars.

"No, this is Samurai Goroh, remember?" said Meta Knight. The other two still stared. Meta Knight sighed. "F-Zero universe." Still staring. "Captain Falcon's enemy."

"Well, I'm glad I finally got some recognition!" said Samurai Goroh. "What brings you folk over here? I thought you guys got wasted when that alien attacked."

"A bunch of us escaped. We ended up in another dimension. But we traveled through what we believe was called a "plot-hole" and ended up here." Explained Meta Knight. Samurai Goroh became worried.

"Plot-Holes! Crap, you guys better come with me!" said Samurai Goroh. "Oh yeah, and you should stay off of the street." He hopped back into his car as another round of traffic descended upon the trio.

One agonizing trip, five more car attacks, and three juggling bears later….

"So, what's so bad about these plot holes?" asked Pikachu. They all sat together at a nice diner place.

"Plot holes are real bad trouble man. In stories, when the author is being lazy, he doesn't feel like thinking up of a reason for something, this creates a plot hole. Applied in the real world, anything can happen. Like during while me and the other assists were escaping, some sort of plot hole appeared. We went through and we ended up here, with no explanation at all." Explained Samurai Goroh.

"….TOO MANY WORDS." Said Fox.

"…So, these plot holes are created when Hyper gets lazy, right?" asked Pikachu.

"Bingo little rat thing. But this ain't a good thing. If that alien guy finds a plot-hole, he could simply teleport elsewhere." Meta Knight's eyes suddenly widened.

"Oh no… This is terrible…" murmured Meta Knight.

"What's the problem?" asked Pikachu.

"Anyone could do anything with a plot-hole, correct?" asked Meta Knight.

"No, you can only do dance moves with plot-holes. Yes, they can do anything." Said Samurai Goroh.

"Giygas… I now realize what he's trying to do…"

"Well spit it out man!"

"Giygas can use the plot holes to travel in between different universes. He's harnessing the author's own laziness to his own advantage! That's why they put a clone bomb right next to a plot hole! If they detonate a bomb, the clone Giygas can come through the plot hole and emerge in this universe!"

"Oh crap! So that freak can use the plot holes to conquer universes faster!" asked Pikachu.

"In theory, yes." Said Meta Knight solemnly.

"….Does this mean we're screwed?" asked Fox.

"Hell no! The battle is not over! It

"What do you mean?" asked Meta Knight curiously.

"We can't let the alien guy invade our universes! We can just stop the plot holes!" said Samurai Goroh.

"What a great idea! We can just go up to the author, slap him awake, and make him write out the plot holes so that the travel can't be possible!" said Pikachu, full of sarcasm.

"Yeah! Let's go show him!" cheered Fox, not catching on.

"Actually there's another way. We got high-tech stuff. There's actually a plot-hole remover for the writers too lazy to search for these things." said Samurai Goroh.

"It's really that simple?" asked Meta Knight.

"Ha ha ha… NO! These things are frickin' expensive. If you want to get enough money in a hurry, you have to enter the upcoming race tournament. "

"So we have to win a race so we can get enough money to stop these plot-hole things." said Pikachu in disbelief.

"Convinient, eh?" said Samurai Goroh.

"Damn it, you really are losing your touch Hyper." said Pikachu.

The trio leaves the place as Samurai Goroh began to ramble on about his latest wins and bounties, which they don't really care about. But what they do care about is Giygas and the plot-holes.

"Someone has to stop this complete maniac." said Meta Knight.

"But he's giant! He's evil! AND RED!" screamed Fox.

"We can't do it with the three of us though. Maybe if we spread the word to the others, we could slow down Giygas' invasion, if not halt it. But for now, we must focus on stopping the plot-hole in this universe." said Meta Knight.

"That sounds neat and all, but we can't rely on that idiot samurai guy to win the race." said Pikachu.

"I HEARD THAT!" screamed Samurai Goroh from far away.

"Oh, that's okay. I can drive the cars." said Fox casually. The other two stares at him.

"Really?" asked Meta Knight.

"Yup. I only remember it like it was just a month ago..." said Fox.

Three days before invasion...

Fox and Ike was beating the crap out of each other on Mute City, avoiding the hovering racecars. They both had only one stock left, and both were almost dead.

"Hey look Fox, it's a shiny!" said Ike as another surge of cars was coming.

"Oooh! Where?" asked Fox as he ran into the path of an ocoming car. Instead of getting blown away, he sort of clung onto the car. Like flies on a windshield or something.

"Looks like I win." said Ike. Curiously however, the math hadn't ended yet. The platform flew around, landing on the road again. All of a sudden, Ike got hit by a car, going at the speed of a maniac. Inside the car was Fox, who was tryign to get used to the controls, but remarkably held up.

"Yee haw!" shouted Fox in victory as the announcer announced the win to him.

Back to the present...

"...so I won the match, became roadkill, and learned how to drive the hover race car things. All in one day!" said Fox proudly.

"Well, I'm for one impressed. Seeing as how you're a decent plane pilot, I don't think driiving would be very difficult for you. With you entering the race, our chances of winning the prize money to get the plot-hole remover would increase." said Meta Knight.

"Hey watch it..." said Pikachu, as a small boy bumped into him. "Hey wait, you're that whiny kid Lucas!"

It was indeed Lucas. However, he didn't seem to look as jolly as usual. Instead he seemed nervous and somewhat depressed. He had a black shirt with a red swirl in it. On his neck was five spots, two of which were glowing. Most importantly, he seemed to be bleeding. In a lot of places. And no, not in that place. Lucas isn't a girl.

"AARGH! I-it's you guys. I thought you guys died..." said Lucas.

"Ha ha! No, we're main characters! That's how things work kid!" said Fox optimisticly.

"What's in the box?" asked Meta Knight. Inside Lucas' hands was a small box. Lucas gave some sort of twitch .

"NONE OF YOUR BUISINESS! Out of my way! S-S-She... She'll kill me if I don't deliver this. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts..." murmurred Lucas, stumbling off in a random direction. The trio shared an awkward silence.

"Wait, girl?" said Pikachu.

"To be expected. All youth will eventually find a love." said Meta Knight.

"Yeah Pikachu. I remember my first love. And that love was flying! When I got in my first ride, I was like, WOOSH! Then, as I turned, I went, SWOOSH!" said Fox.

Let's ignore that idiot. Instead, let's follow Lucas a little. Lucas has entered a hotel, which is directly below the F-Zero universe's plot hole. At the hotel, he met Ashley, who unfortunately owned him.

"Do you have it?" asked Ashley.

"I-I have it..." said Lucas. He handed over the small box he was carrying. Ashley ripped it open and took out a small bomb that was inside.

"Perfect... Now throw out the cardboard box." commanded Ashley.

"But I didn't make that mess. ...Oh crap." said Lucas. Ashley conjures a knife and tosses it at Lucas. She seemed pissed.

"Remember what I said about talking back to me? Or being annoying? I'll kill you, remember that." muttered Ashley. She turned her attention to the spots in Lucas' neck. "Remember that curse I put on you? Every time I get angered, I light up one of the spots on your neck. And when all of them are lit up, your head will explode in billions of gory pieces. Won't that be fun?"

"N-No..."

"Then don't anger me. Obey me and you'll do just fine." Ashley than gave a little smile. It would have been cute to any other person, but to Lucas, it was somewhat terrifying.

"S-So... What will you do with the bomb?" asked Lucas.

"In the event that Ridley failed, which he probably did. We'll use this bomb to create a Giygas clone. Or strengthen the one that came through the plot-hole." said Ashley, "Imagine it Lucas... All of the people are breathing in the same air molecules going through the Giygas clone. They'll soon be affected by his poison! Every living being will either go insane, or turn to Giygas' side! Everyone not affected... oh they'll be dead. Imagine the carnage and the blood Lucas. Imagine." Lucas briefly built up an image in his mind.

"That would be t-terifying." said Lucas.

"Exactly! Now then, they're holding a Grand Prix in Big Blue later. Many people across the universe will come to the event. That's where the center of destruction shall be. Come, we must plant this bomb and watch the chaos unfold."

Poor Lucas. Anyway, let's see what our heroes are doing.

"...then I took down Andross! Man, it was great! Flying through the air, without a care in the wor-" continued Fox.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" yelled Pikachu. Fox looked sad.

"...Sniff. You didn't have to be so rude about it ya know..." said Fox.

"Shush. We must stop this tomfoolery. We need to go register for the race." said Meta Knight.

I do not know the process where a racer signs up for a race. I also don't know if the racers practice before a race. So let's skip ahead a day before the race and shift to Lucas and Ashley.

"Perfect. Only one racer is on the track. We need to murder all of the race officials and get the bomb planted." said Ashley.

"...Do we really need to murder these people?" asked Lucas.

"No. It's just fun."

So they went around the track, tracking down each race official. Ashley just outright murders them with a variety of spells, while Lucas just sets their shoes on fire. Finally, they were on the last official.

"Hey. Why are you two kids running around? There's a murderer running around this place!" said the race official, who was armed.

"Yeah... About that..." murmured Ashley.

"Just go find somewhere else to hold your date." said the race official. Those were his last words as Ashley and surprisingly Lucas blow him up in anger.

"WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!" yelled both Ashley and Lucas suddenly realized what he had done.

"O-Oh my god... I-I-I murdered someone... Someone I don't even know! He didn't deserve it! HE'S JUST A VICTIM IN YOUR HORRIBLE KILLING SPREE!" screamed Lucas.

"Amazing Lucas! We blew him up together! Your first kill for our side! Isn't it wonderful?" asked Ashley. Before she could force Lucas to give her a high-five, Lucas wandered onto the track, sobbing. That's when he got run over by a racing car.

Inside the car, which Fox was driving...

"Huh." said Fox.

"What?" asked Meta Knight. Both he and Pikachu were thankfully small enough to fit in the cockpit so they can cheer Fox on. Or take over when Fox screws up with his nincompoop...ism. Yeah, I'm the author. I may be lazy, but I'm creative enough to invent new words!

Every living being in the world shall bow down to my words! World leaders shall fear the word known as nincompoopism! (evil laugh)

What were we doing? Oh right. Stay focused.

"I think I just ran over a little boy." said Fox.

"Was it Lucas?" asked Meta Knight.

"No, Lucas is the pink blobby thing! Don't be stupid!" said Fox.

"...Dude, we just saw Lucas a few days ago. If anyone here is stupid, it's you." said Pikachu.

"W-What? I-I-I-I thought the kid's name was Carl!" said Fox.

"We said Lucas' name in front of you!" yelled Pikachu.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAARL!" cried Fox. He suddenly took his hands off the wheel to ironically sob. Meta Knight quickly took the wheel, his purpose for being in a cramped car fulfilled.

Back on the track...

"Damn it Lucas. Sleeping is not part of your job. If slavery could be called a job. GET UP!" yelled Ashley. Lucas groaned and got up.

"Urgh..." groaned Lucas.

"We have no time for you to be a zombie! Those three in that car... They were in the folder Giygas handed me! We need to eliminate them. ...And I think I know how." said Ashley. Oh crap. There's that smile again.

"W-What would that be?"

"Simple. Kill two birds with one stone. We plant the bomb on their car, and bingo! They'll be in the center of the explosion!" said Ashley happily.

"B-But we can't do that!" said Lucas.

"I know we can't. But YOU can. Come on. You'll be stuck with me forever. You might as well destroy what's left of your emotion, love, and peace of mind while you can."

"They're my friends! ...O-Okay, just Fox and Meta Knight... But still!" said Lucas. He cringed in fear of Ashley hitting him. Surprisingly, she didn't.

"Interesting. Well then, let me offer you a deal. You plant the bomb, and I remove one of the lights on your neck." said Ashley.

Lucas began to think. Should he sacrifice his friends to the bomb, or risk Ashley's wrath?

"Come on! You'll die more later than you should!"

Friends or wrath?

"Not ALL of them will die in the explosion!"

She's making this deal less tempting.

"I will torture you horribly and add another light! Don't do this, and I'll guarantee you'll die a lot more faster!"

As if she isn't already torturing him. He got two spots left anyway.

"Very well. I guess I have to play my trump card."

"Huh?" wondered Lucas.

"We will celebrate with omeletes. Like your dead mother used to make! Sadness and deliciousness all in one!"

HOLY F***ING GOD. BEST DEAL EVER.

"I'll do it." murmurred Lucas.

"Great! See Lucas, all the torture and evil stuff I've done to you is starting to turn your mind evil!" said Ashley. This didn't make Lucas feel any better, but he wants his goddamn omelete damn it.

A few minutes later...

Fox continued to drive decently, without another nincompoopism distraction. Well, there WILL be a distraction. Just not a favorable one.

"Fox, you seem to be running out of gas. Pull up to the pit stop so we can ask for some more." said Meta Knight.

"Righty-o!" said Fox. He then turns toward the pit-stop, and parks perfectly. Then they notice something horrible.

All across the pit-stop area, bodies littered the place. All of them killed by some sort of spell. Curiously, all of them had burnt shoes.

"Great gods..." said Meta Knight in disbelief.

"What happened?" wondered Pikachu.

"I know! Who would go burn some perfectly good shoes?" asked Fox. The other two stared at him.

"...Kinda missing the point." muttered Pikachu.

"Stay in the car Fox. Pikachu and I will try to get assistance." said Meta Knight. The cockpit opened, allowing him and Pikachu to jump out. Fox decided to just chill.

It was kind of hard with dead bodies everywhere.

Suddenly, Fox heard noise.

"FREEZE! DON'T SCREW WITH A FOX!" screamed Fox, pointing his laser gun at whoever was approaching him. Nothing to worry about though. It was just Lucas. The new, creepy Lucas.

"Hello Fox." said Lucas.

"Oh hi! Sorry I was pointing my gun at you. So... you want something? Like a juice? That corpse over there was carrying a juice. It's apple juice. Apple juice is delicious when not being carried by a dead guy. By the way, did I hit you with this car earlier?" said Fox.

"That's nice. So, I-I-I heard you were entering the race. So I decided to give you this!" said Lucas, presenting Fox the bomb.

"Yay! ...What is it?"

"Oh, it's a... um... speed... enhancer... thingy... yeah." explained Lucas.

"Hooray! Can't have too many thingys! ...Wait a minute. Isn't this illegal in races or something?" asked Fox.

"...No. It's only illegal in... um... Nor-Cani-Switz-States. That's definitely a place I didn't make up." said Lucas.

"How thoughtful! Thanks Lu... cas?" thanked Fox, but Lucas had already run off. He shrugged and got out of the cockpit. He installed the bomb to the engine. The bomb suddenly activated, but Fox wasn't aware of that. He continued to chill until Pikachu and Meta Knight came back. "Hey guys! Lucas just came and-"

"Yeah yeah, wonderful story. The police is already on their way, so let's get the hell out of this deathtrap." said Pikachu.

"What makes me curious is who did this and why." said Meta Knight. "On one hand, the killer seemed to be trying to achieve a goal, and thought all of these innocent people were in the way. On the other hand, the killer was simply a bored lunatic..."

"GRAAARGH..."

"Um... What was that?" asked Pikachu.

"GRRR..."

"Not me." said Fox.

"Then who can..." began Meta Knight, while he turned around. Then he saw one of the corpses moving."Oh god..."

"HOLY CRAP RUN FOR YOUR LIFE." screamed Pikachu. Everyone quickly got into the car and drove off.

The next day...

"...despite the tragic deaths of at least 17 people and the 5 cops killed by zombies, we'll be continuing our Grand Prix! Hello F-Zero fans everywhere! Welcome to the Big Blue Grand Prix! Many racers, despite hearing of the horrible events last night, came anyway and is preparing the vehicles! I wonder who will win?" said a commentator over the chatter of the audiance. Lucas and Ashley took their seats, so they can watch the chaos happen. Also they stole some tickets from one guy they killed, and they figured it shouldn't go to waste.

"We have lots of competition, just to warn you Fox." said Meta Knight, surveying the other racers. The only ones that caught his attention was Samurai Goroh, one that stayed in his car (which looked like one of those black mafia cars, except hovering), and some sort of cop from the Earthbound universe with a blue face. Meta Knight found this as odd, but assumed that this was because of a plot-hole. The sooner they get rid of the things, the better.

Ashley surveyed the scene, chuckling to herself. Then her eyes fell onto the cop. The cop seemed to notice and came over.

"Giygas sir! Why have you possessed a cop to come here?" asked Ashley. It was common fact that all enemy humans in Earthbound had blue faces. Then again, at least half of you hasn't played Earthbound or MOTHER 3, and probably never will.

"I came to make sure you use the bomb properly. I also heard that the three Smashers in the Metroid universe escaped to this universe and entered the race. You must make sure they get sucked into the void, if not killed. They know part of our plan." explained the cop, who had Giygas' voice.

"Don't worry. The bomb has been planted under their car. Isn't that right Lucas?" asked Ashley. Lucas didn't answer. Instead, he seemed horrified by the fact that an innocent man is being possessed by a horrible abomination.

"Control him Ashley. If he continues staring in extreme fright, it'll bring attention." said Cop-Giygas. He quickly looked around suspiciously before heading back to his car.

"Racers get into your vehicles! The race will now begin!" said the commentator.

"Good luck guys! Remember, either of us have to win to stop that monster!" said Samurai Goroh.

"Thank you stranger!" said Fox.

"Oh yeah, and one more thing..." said Samurai Goroh.

"Yeah?" asked Pikachu. Goroh then punched him in the face, sending him several feet away.

"THAT WAS FOR EARLIER!" yelled Samurai Goroh. He then jumped and landed in the cockpit of his own car. How spectacular.

"Grr... Stupid Brick Jokes and TV Tropes for giving Hyper the idea..." muttered Pikachu. He and Meta Knight squeezed into the cockpit along with Fox.

"Ready racers? We will start in 5..."

"Let's make this count." said Meta Knight.

"4..."

"3 minutes till detonation..." said Ashley.

"3..."

"These cars are quite stupid. When the F-Zero universe is finally mines, I will destroy these accursed things." muttered Giygas-cop.

"2..."

"Let's kick their asses!" cheered Pikachu.

"1..."

"Get ready..." said Fox.

"GO!"

To be continued...


Why am I so cruel to Lucas in my stories? What's the rest of Giygas' nefarious plan? How come Homestuck is a confusing mess? Is Fox really as stupid as we all think? Why have I teased a Lucas/Ashley pairing? What the hell is wrong with me? Why is my own laziness affecting the story? All of these questions will not be answered in the next episode!