A/N: Thanks to the tipster who requested anonymity for her own protection. She directed me to a site that advertised 'LiquidAss' & 'LiquidBarf'. I made some 'product adjustments' for the sake of my story.
The response has been very positive so I'll continue on. Those of you who like 'jealous Penny' will be pleased.
Also, any gay readers shouldn't take offense where none is intended. I've had some 'consultations' about language and such. No offense intended, honest.
Long but I needed to keep continuity.
Chapter 4
Battle of Pasadena
Apartment 2A
6pm
"Oh, God, Sheldon, I wish I could have seen look on his face when you handed him the condom…priceless. And the letter? Incredibly cool. One of the best pranks I've ever heard of. You're the MAN, Sheldon!"
Riva was ecstatic that Sheldon had pranked the blonde so effectively. Even Lacey thought it was pretty damned good and her standards were higher than hers.
"You'll have to be on guard for a few days, Cupcake. You know she's going to want to bring so much shit down on you…just be careful, okay? She might go beyond acceptable pranks and I'd feel terrible if you got hurt somehow."
"We both know not to physically endanger the other. Penny's a hothead but she's not stupid. In fact, even lacking formal education, she's smart and surprises people with her creativity in solving problems."
Lace looked at Riva and smiled. The girls had talked a bit about the 'relationship' issues between the two 'frenemies'. Riva had made her jealous and the two of them had led her to believe that shy, reclusive Sheldon Cooper was a PLAYAH!
"Riva, go find something to do. Cupcake, I brought some stuff home for you to try on and then, assuming your schedule permits, Riva and I want you to take us clubbing tomorrow night? A guy along makes it safer, y'know?" She appealed to his protective nature and he reluctantly agreed. They were going to her favorite bar and he would be the Designated Driver even though they'd be taking a cab.
"Let's see how I look after your 'makeover'. Keep in mind that I am a respected scientist and I don't want to look like a damned hippie!" He actually was worried that people would laugh at him. The derision of others, their cruelty, was one of the major reasons Sheldon became the man he was, shy and avoiding having to deal with people by using his intelligence to form a shield of arrogance around himself.
The girls both agreed that somewhere down deep there lurked a helluva guy just waiting to be pulled out of the robot armor he wore. He was a challenge to them and they never walked away from battle.
Apartment 4A
Penny snuck into Sheldon's apartment using the emergency key. She hurried into the bathroom and unscrewed the showerhead and put a few gelatin capsules (like medicines come in) in the shower head and then replaced it.
'I wonder why he never reclaimed the emergency key? It's soo not like him to overlook something so obvious. Maybe this is all getting to him. Well, this prank will definitely get to him!'
Penny slipped out of the apartment and back into her own. She had a few more ideas and each was more devastating to Sheldon than the one before it.
She couldn't wait for the morning. It would be worth staying up all night just to be awake to hear his agonized screams and the sounds of his retching would be music to her ears.
'I'll have to thank Jislane's boyfriend for the PowderedAss and the capsules. Now, maybe a little wine and then a nap.'
6:30AM
Riva Pool came back early from her shift at the ER covered in piss and stink. The small hospital didn't have staff facilities for showers and when the intern had accidentally cut the urine collection bag on their patient she'd been drenched. She drove home with the windows open and she was afraid her car would smell like drunks' piss for days.
"Eww, what's that smell, Riva?" Lacey was just getting up and making coffee.
"Me. I need a shower. I'm on the brink of barfing from the smell. I'll need to have my car detailed right after I kill a clumsy intern."
Apartment 4A
Sheldon was up, of course, and eating breakfast when Riva called in tears. "Shel, my shower's broken, no water at all in the bathroom and the super says it'll be hours before a plumber gets here. Can I PLEASE use yours?"
"Certainly. The door's always open to you two. The students are out for quarter break so I'm just sitting around watching Dr. Who before going into the office to do some research. I feel lazy today and haven't showered yet. Help yourself. And Riva, don't worry about falling. I have rubber duck appliqués in the tub for safety."
Fifteen minutes later all Hell broke loose in Sheldon's apartment, or at least the scent of Hell was loose and permeating everything it touched.
Sheldon heard Riva vomiting violently and rushed in and was quickly vomiting along side Riva who was naked and wet and still smelled like a drunk's urine bag but now carried the unmistakable aroma of…crap.
The hot water had quickly dissolved the gelatin capsules releasing a prankster's dream…the smell of human feces. It formed a cloud of stench that flowed out of the bathroom and throughout the apartment.
As a prank it was most excellent but Penny had gone overboard and loaded over 20 capsules with the powder and not the 'one or two are more than enough, Penny' as cautioned by Jislane's boyfriend.
The smell seeped into Apartment 4B and Penny woke up, sick to her stomach.
Her first thought: 'Sheldon's really done it now. He pooped in my damned apartment!'
Her second thought: 'Maybe I used too much powder. Maybe he's sick, overcome by the fumes and lying helpless in his tub! I gotta save him. I – I'm gonna barf!'
It flowed down the stairs to the third floor and then to the second and then to the first floor and then the basement and laundry room. Everyone who was home rushed out of their apartments, some gagging or vomiting, adding to the panic.
The landlord assumed it was the plumber's fault and no blame fell on any of the tenants. He was just glad that the residents who'd been sickened by the 'sewer gas backwash' hadn't threatened to sue him.
He spent a fortune on fumigating and 'de-scenting' the apartments the next day and paying for hotel lodging for the tenants.
TraveLodge Motel
Pasadena
11AM
Lacey was beside herself, pissed off beyond belief and she was pacing back and forth across Sheldon's motel room. Her girlfriend was still not free of the after effects of the Penny Prank.
"She's gotta pay, Cupcake. Riva is sleeping and you look like you're going to pass out any minute. I don't care that your Precious Penny was sickened, too. She's crossed the line. No one makes my friends sick. We gotta get even, Sheldon Cooper. Hell, we gotta get ahead! This was no ordinary prank. This was harmful and some of those old lady tenants look like they were going to die."
"Lacey, she's my friend. It was my fault. The Public Health prank was too much and her feelings were hurt and – "
"Oh, no, you don't. This was beyond the pale. It was not your fault but since you feel so bad about it, let's do something wild instead…"
Jislane's Apartment
"Oh, Jiz, I really screwed up and he's going to hate me forever. I just figured if two capsules were good then more would be better. I never expected things to get so bad that we'd have to evacuate the building."
'God, she's so dramatic and whiney. She fucked up. It happens. So some people got sick. So what. It makes the prank epic. And no one can trace the blame. What's her problem?'
"Look, get all gussied up and let's hit a gay bar. We'll dirty dance and flirt and maybe they'll buy us drinks and we'll have fun without being constantly hit on. They're nice people and will respect 'No', believe me."
"I just don't feel like it, Jiz." She figured that Sheldon would never forgive her and that what started out as a fun thing had turned ugly. She knew how Sheldon operated. He'd 'invisibilize' her and never again acknowledge her existence.
"Let your hair down, Penny, and get wasted and forget all about your dreamboat physicist who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bar's just around the corner from here and we can walk and take a cab back. You can borrow one of my dresses and I still have a few pairs of your shoes that I borrowed."
TraveLodge Motel
Pasadena
6:30PM
"There. Perfect. I took a lot of time making you look like someone else, Shelly. Take a look. Riva's almost ready, too. She won't look like herself but don't freak out, okay, honey? Now, don't touch a thing. Sit down and watch TV and we'll both come by and pick you up. And quit worrying. The hair color will come out the next time you shower. And don't fiddle with the mustache and beard. It won't come off unless you use the remover I left for you."
Sheldon looked at himself in the mirror and was shocked to see a stranger in the reflection. His dark hair was shot through with 'premature' gray and he now sported a dark mustache and short beard. It was an excellent disguise and he toyed with trying it out at CalTech to see if his colleagues recognized him.
Of course, the clothes were the real difference. A distressed leather jacket over a black turtleneck t-shirt and black jeans that Lacey told him were 'supposed to be tight, Cupcake'. The wire rimmed glasses with plain glass lenses were uncomfortable but Lacey had threatened him with a wedgie if he took them off. His 'package' seemed to float freely in the silk boxers and he thought he might just dump the tightie-whities for them.
Riva banged on the door and shouted for him to get his ass in gear. He'd dozed off for a few minutes and lost track of the time. He grabbed his wallet and cell phone and room key and opened the door and then closed it again.
"Hey, it's us, Shel! Open the damned door!" Riva had put a rinse in her hair that made it a bright violet and was wearing a full-bodied black leotard, thigh-high boots with 3-inch heels and Goth makeup. Lacey had opted for the professional look and wore a business suit and white shirt and tie. The skirt ended about an inch below her crotch and she wore pumps with stiletto heels and her black hair was pulled back in a severe bun and her eye makeup was heavily dark.
He opened the door and Riva high-fived her lover and said, "Lacey, you're a magician, and Sheldon, you're hot hot hot! Let's go. I can feel the music, can't you, Shel?"
The Bitter End Bar
Penny danced and laughed and forgot all about earlier in the day. She was having a good time dancing and shamelessly flirting with anyone within range. She had a wonderful buzz on. Jislane was dirty dancing with some guys and Penny laughed at her friend's antics. Both guys were gay but still sandwiched Jizzy in between them and began humping and grinding and having a great time.
The music and the atmosphere were just what she needed. Oh, and another drink.
Sheldon paid off the cabbie and turned and said, "This is a furniture warehouse. Are we at the right place?"
"It used to be, Cupcake, but now it's the hottest bar in Pasadena. Don't be fooled by the looks. And quit worrying. We'll protect you, won't we, Riva?"
Riva snorted and said, "Just remember, Shel, not all the girls here tonight are gay. Some are just here to dance and drink and have a good time so if one of them hits on ya, don't panic or come running for one of us. Take her back to the motel and bang her ears off!" She laughed when Sheldon blushed and muttered something like 'damned hippies' but followed the girls into the alley and into the bar.
Penny was leaning against the bar, just chillin' and saw the newest arrivals: two hot looking chicks with one of the hottest guys she'd ever laid eyes on. He looked older than the girls and she wondered if he was their 'sugar daddy' and laughed.
'Well, I'll just have to see about that.' She frowned when the one girl, the wild looking Goth, pulled him down and kissed him and then walked over to the bar and glared at Penny but ordered a weird drink and then flowed onto the dance floor and found her two friends.
"Lacey – the blonde bitch is here at the bar! Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Sheldon will freak out and want to go."
"I'll handle it." She turned to Sheldon and told him to 'follow me, Cupcake' and walked boldly to the bar, her arm around his waist.
"Hey, bartender, this is our DD. Stamp his hand and give him a coke. I'll have a Margarita." She looked over at Penny and smiled and nodded. "This is a great bar. I haven't seen you here before. With someone or…"
Penny looked past the brunette with the long legs and smokey makeup and looked at her date. Or sugar daddy, she wasn't sure.
"Hi, I'm Penny and I'm here with a friend. Who's your friend?" She was interested in him. He hadn't looked at her once, just stood there, leaning back against the bar, sipping his drink, watching the dancers and holding the woman's hand like he owned her.
Lacey laughed and said, "He's our main man, y'know? Helluva party guy once he loosens up but don't worry about him. We have a very open relationship, the three of us. So, wanna dance?" Lacey grabbed Penny's hand and dragged her onto the floor and started gyrating and grinding her butt against Penny in time with the music.
Sheldon's acute hearing had picked up everything that Lacey and Penny said and he started to laugh. 'Main man', in deed.
The music changed to a slow dance and Lacey grabbed Penny around the waist and started whispering in her ear and then Lacey moved her hands down and cupped Penny's ass. Penny's face turned red and she muttered something about needing another drink and went to the bar and stood next to the 'main man'.
Penny looked at him and was miffed that he was still ignoring her. She knew she wasn't as hot as his 'friend' but still…
"Hi, I'm Penny. What's your name?" Standard opening gambit. She asked the bartender for another drink.
Sheldon turned and looked at Penny. Her makeup was stunning and made here eyes seem huge and the dress she'd poured herself into left very little covered.
"I'm Lee. I'm here with my two ladies. Who are you with?" He let his accent run free. He was going to have such a good time at her expense and this situation had the makings of the ultimate prank that was sure to make her surrender.
"I'm here with my girlfriend, Jislane." She hadn't realized that how she said it made it seem like she was –
"Oh, too bad. Well, different strokes for different folks. My two ladies are more your speed. They swing both ways, if you get my drift." He knew the jargon because Riva had to explain one of her comments that had made Sheldon blush and stammer.
Penny started to explain but he just turned away from her and watched as his two 'ladies' danced and made out like crazy. That pissed her off. She didn't like being ignored.
A couple of guys tried to make small talk with him but he politely told them he was 'straight' and they left for greener pastures.
"Hey, dance with me. I'll protect you." She stepped closer and she could smell his cologne.
"I don't need protected. They're not pushy and respect my orientation just as I respect theirs. I would have thought that you would have been more – sensitive – being gay yourself."
She hissed at him that she was just as straight as he was and he laughed at her. "Sure. My girl has incredible gaydar. She homed right in on you."
"Well, she's wrong. Buy me another drink and then dance with me. You'll see."
He laughed at her. "You're still in the closet, right? Sorry. Didn't mean to 'out' you."
She reached up and pulled him down to her and kissed him passionately. He didn't respond at first but finally started kissing her back. She ran her tongue across his lips and sought entry but he broke the kiss and then Penny demanded that he "Dance with me."
Sheldon could dance. He just didn't like to. It made him feel uncomfortable but maybe it was the disguise that made him do it. No one knew who he was here and no one seemed to pay attention to anyone not in their 'bubble'.
"Okay."
A/N: Will Sheldon prank Penny and if so, how will she respond? Frenemies my butt.
