There's nothing you can do to prepare for loss.

You tell yourself that everyone and everything has an end. Whether it be long and brutal, quick and painless, natural causes or the act of some cruel monster in the form of a human.

You watch your grandparents age. Their bodies slowly giving way and you know their time on Earth is nearly up, but you put on a bright smile and go about your life as if you've never noticed the gradual or not so gradual changes. Then they leave and it doesn't matter how, they just do.

You grow attached to your pets and watch them suffer the same fate and once you recover from the trauma, you hope the experience has built up some sort of shield to protect you from any future collisions, at least just a little bit. But it doesn't and nothing ever will save you from that kind of heartache. It's inevitable.

And the pain was just as fresh today as it was when Rollins arrived on my doorstep. But I hid it well, or so I liked to think.

The couple to my left, however, had fallen to pieces. Mainly the woman; my mother. Her sobs and sniffles could have drowned out the kind words of the priest, while my father could be heard whimpering when she would slip into silence.

I hadn't bothered to look their way, petrified of that ever so familiar feeling I had been suffering through all damn week; guilt. Their daughter had perished while under my care. They had trusted me with her life and I failed them. I didn't deserve their affection or to even be acknowledged. I so desperately wished that the ground beneath my aching feet would simply open up and swallow me whole. I couldn't bear the red and puffy eyes as they sent their silent and sometimes not so silent condolences. I didn't deserve their sad smiles or hugs filled with such pity.

With my failure, I have earned nothing but solitude as the self loathing ate me alive.

A slight weight had fallen into me, startling and drawing my attention to my left, where my father had placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it just slightly. The sight of their broken spirits had caused me to quickly turn away, staring at anything but them or the guests.0

I watched the skies as tiny birds flew past and the colorful flowers dance when the wind-swept on by. The light of the morning seeping in through the tall cluster of trees, adding quite a fairy tale feel to such a dark day. Which is why Tyler would rest here. A personal request made by her years ago, before she ever moved in. Mum had dropped her off for a weekend, which was spent shopping, going out to eat, watching silly movies and going on small adventures. During one of our adventures, we had discovered a cemetery-this cemetery. The long grass, trees and bushes all holding a steady, brilliant green. Not a shade of brown to be seen as the heat from the sun attempted to singe it. Marble stone pathways leading its visitors in various, confusing directions were lined with potted flowers. Beyond the flowers, a surprising number of headstones that still managed to shine despite their age.

"How could a place of so much beauty hold so much death?" she would say in astonishment during every single visit, as if it was her first time being there.

It took a lot of stress and arguments in order to get her here. My mother had wanted to take her back with her, to be buried near by so she could visit whenever she wanted. But I was relentless and fought for what Tyler wanted, and clearly won the fight.

Movement had pulled my attention forward, and with saddened eyes, I watched as the shining coffin was slowly lowered into the hole. I watched the object intently, not once blinking as I savored the final moments I had with her. But a flash of her cold, pale face had entered my mind. The first image that welcomed me when I had arrived, sick to my stomach at the sight of her opened casket for all to see.

The memory had scared me to the point where I had gasped in shock, quickly covering my mouth hung agape as I frantically turned away from the scene. My father's hand falling limp to rest back on my mothers waist as I stormed away. My weak knees carrying me as far as they could until I had finally fallen against a tree, quite a distance away from the black suits and ties that hadn't bothered to stop me.

Not entirely confident in my ability to support my own weight, I had wrapped an arm around the thin base of the tree, grinding my temple into its harsh sides before giving it a quick smack with my cranium, biting on my lower lip as I tried to fight back the hundredth meltdown. But the mission was futile. A pitiful sob passing my swollen lips as tears stained my cheeks.

My screaming, racing thoughts had engulfed my being. I had tuned out the world that surrounded me, unable to detect a new presence until a soft hand had entered my blurry vision, tissue hanging loosely from between dainty fingers.

The first smile of the day had made itself known, though it was pathetic.

Taking the offering, I thanked the kind soul as I dried my tears before moving to clean my nose. "I've run out," I managed to mumble as I turned to face my company. Again, my mouth was left hung agape. However this time, it was a look of surprise, rather than horror.

The young girl that stood before me seemed to be around my age, though I appeared quite a few years older with the havoc my body had been forced to endure in short amount of time.

Her glossy lips pulled into a sad smile, her eyes filled with the same sorrow.

"I-I know you from somewhere, don't I?" She nodded. "I'm sorry, but-" a great, unattractive sniff filled the small empty space. "I'm not that great with names." "Leah."

As if struck by lightning, memories came flooding back in an instant.

Leah Lynn Ashford; the daughter of some family friends I had long since lost contact with.

Leah and I were never the best of friends. Never found ourselves gravitating towards one another, playing house or building forts. But when the neighbors gathered for parties, we stuck together. Discouraged by the lack of children around our age. We would walk about aimlessly, dodging the much taller humans as they paraded around with their glasses filled with various alcoholic drinks, which they promised was juice.

We did this for years. Never bonding over our likes or dislikes in games or television, but rather our opinions on life. It started out as simple things. We would judge the adults that surrounded us and question their behavior, but as we got older, we questioned our existence. Wondered what was waiting for us in the afterlife, or what we would be like in an alternate universe. In between these serious discussions, we would people watch and desperately attempt to decipher their dirtiest secret(s).

What little contact we had, had faded over time. Nearly vanishing completely when we got to High School, though we shared smiles as we passed in hallways. But that was all before we graduated and moved on with our lives. Yet here she was. Standing right in front of me in a teal, floral top and a black pencil skirt, looking very different from what memory she left me with.

"Wow," I breathed. Still taken aback by the sight of her. "It's been a very..long time."

Her smile brightened slightly at that, rocking on her heels. "Yeah, it has been.. Wish our reunion was under a lot better circumstances, though." I nodded in agreement, silent. Looking down at my hands as they tore the abused tissue to shreds. The tiny pieces being carried away by the wind.

I quickly slapped a forced smile over my features and straightened my spine, facing her again. Hoping the faked happiness would not only fix my mood, but the atmosphere. "What have you been up to since I last saw you?"

I wasn't necessarily sure that catching up with old friends at a funeral was the best idea. But I needed a distraction to keep me far away from Tyler until I was ready.

She shifted uncomfortably in place, her attention veering off as she made several attempts to speak. "I, uhm-" a hand reached to scratch the back of her neck "I own dad's shop now."

I looked to her with wide eyes, clearly not expecting her reply. I knew she loved the place just as much as her father, but never pictured her to be the type of person to own a store filled to the brim with weaponry of various kinds. "Wow.. How'd that happen?" "Mom got sick. She's sort of..confined to either her bed or a chair. Dad wanted to be there for her so he handed the responsibility down to me." I expressed my sympathy for her ill mother, who I could barely remember after all of these years.

Leah waved it off, showing me that I should change the subject as quickly as possible. "Do you enjoy it? The work?" "I know it's hard to believe, but.. I do. I really do. The people can be sketchy at times. But so far, nothing's happened and if it does I have a pistol on me at all times," she ended with a proud smile. "And a dangerous right hook. What about you? You practically fell off the face of the Earth."

Stifling a laugh, I shifted my weight to my other leg. My fingers twisting what was left of the torn apart tissue.

I proceeded to describe in as little detail as possible of what happened in my life once I left home and when finished, I encouraged her to be an open book. To tell me about herself, since I never really knew her before we had carelessly thrown ourselves down memory lane. Snickering behind our hands as we remembered the ugly dresses we were forced to wear, the obnoxious neighborhood drunk that always knew how to lighten up the Christmas parties, and how damn bitchy we were, even as children.

"I don't think that part has changed much," I mumbled with a fairly bright smile, though it faltered as I noticed Leah's attention was no longer on me, but rather on something in the distance. "Yeah, same here. Do you know that girl?"

With a brow cocked, I turned towards the street where a shimmering, cheery red Aston Martin sat in silence. The driver had long since exited the car, standing on the driver's side, peering over the hood. Her porcelain face hidden by a mass of curly, blond hair and thick, black sunglasses. Her pouty lips painted as red as her vehicle of choice.

Frowning, I squinted in hopes it would enhance my vision to get a better look at her. "No, I don't think so." "Wonder what she wants." "She's either just a bit too curious or watching groups of people mourn brings her some kind of fucked up satisfaction," I replied with a lame shrug. "Well, let's hope it's not the latter."

From what I could hear, the service had ended. The crowd was slowly, but surely dispersing. Their soft sniffles could be heard from various areas now, along with their shuffling as they either made way back to their cars or to another much smaller group to chat. But my eyes remained on this young girl, watching her intently as she swiftly placed herself back behind the wheel, driving away without having ever given me the slightest of glances.

My neck strained as I watched her go, only relaxing once she was completely out of my sight. "Weirdo," Leah spat. Nodding in agreement, I turned back to the now very empty space off in the distance, decorated in various kinds of flowers. I politely excused myself before slipping past my old and now new friend.

With every step, a weight had been added to my shoulders. The closer I got to the hole in the ground, the more difficult it became to walk. I was sure my ankles would roll and snap or my knees would buckle, sending me face first into the soft grass, but I managed to survive the journey unscathed. Taking a few deep, calming breaths the last bit of the way to brace myself for my final goodbye.


Like a sleepwalker, I found myself standing in a doorway with no memory of getting there.

The moment I stepped into my home, autopilot had kicked in, surrounding my wandering form with nothing but blurs until I had reached my destination.

I thought about turning away from the scene. To protect my heart from the countless photographs, stuffed animals of various types and the collection of necklaces that hung on the wall, having no more room in the jewelry box. But I wouldn't budge. I had frozen in place as my eyes scanned the filled, yet oh so empty room.

I so desperately wanted to hear her laughter as she read text messages from her friends or watched videos on her laptop. To see her laying on her stomach, ear buds in, feet wrapped around one another as they reached for the sky, swaying or bouncing with the music only she could hear as she did her homework. But this once loud, chaotic and cheerful house was now scary quiet, peaceful and gloomy. It was completely alien as well as unwelcome. This wasn't what I was raised around.

I couldn't recall a single day of my childhood that wasn't filled with constant noise. Even when I lived alone my house was normally filled with thunderous music and tv shows that had been left to run throughout the day.

With much hesitation, I moved into the room that I had only stepped into one other time this week. My mother had expressed the desire to have Tyler's room looking absolutely perfect.

"Why? Who's going to see it?" "Well I might!" So with an eye roll, I had given her what she wanted and went through my sister's room, organizing and cleaning every surface and corner until it looked as if it had never been lived in. Pausing here and there to bite back the tears whenever a particular memory ran through my mind.

I hated the sight, to be honest. Tyler wasn't exactly the cleanest person, but she wasn't the messiest, either. The only time her bed was ever made, was when she was forced to change the sheets. Clothes, shoes and books littered her floor. Apparently too lazy to simply slip them onto a shelf or into her closet. But she never left food, cups, bowls or plates behind to fill with bugs and managed to dust every inch of her room possible. Mainly because of her allergies.

She had a signature mess that I loved and cherished. And seeing this little box shining like brand new was unnerving.

Making my way to her bed, I carefully rested my weight upon the thick, white comforter. Smiling as a few toys had fallen into me. One toy in particular had practically laid its head in my lap. A once soft, white Unicorn that she had won at a carnival. The minute we spotted his cute little self hung up with a plethora of stuffed animals of many sizes we raced for the booth, throwing money at the man before chucking baseballs at the our targets. With how determined and competitive we were, one would think we were battling for the large and in charge teddy bear off in the corner. But no. We had our eyes set on the tiny little horse. And with a victorious fist pump into the air, I collected my prize but at some point handed it off to Tyler, who loved plushies more than any child I've ever met. Once in her arms he was immediately given the name Allan and as time went on, he lost his eye, thus deeming him Allan the Uniclops.

Holding him close to my chest like she had done so long ago, I collapsed into the pile of inanimate objects, causing most of them to fall to the floor with a cluster of soft thuds. My legs pulled themselves to rest against the back of my hands that stroked the synthetic hair of the toy.

"I'm not ready for this," I mumbled. "I'm not ready to be alone."

Turning Allan to face me, I brushed the coarse mane from his face. Nails gliding over his plastic eye, tapping it a few times before letting out a pathetic whimper, "I'm not ready to do this without you." It was as if this doll was Tyler herself, though much, much smaller and quieter.

Allan was pulled back into my suffocating embrace as my eyes slipped shut. The sleepless nights were finally catching up with me, coaxing my now lifeless body to the dark.

"What am I supposed to do?"