heyo.

have another competition thing that fucking murdered me because its finals and why on earth was round three during finals week? ;-; -cries-

QLFC Season III: Finals! Round 3

team character: Argus Filch

chaser two prompt: write about your member of staff's first day on the job

prompts are: ache, pretend, omen

summary: It's his first day on the job. He gives the Headmaster a detention, Peeves is terrible, he meets Sirius Black and James Potter, and Mrs Norris is allergic to children. All in all, a horrible first day.

pairing: none


The first day of his job wasn't actually during the day. In fact, it began at approximately at 6:00 p.m. on the first day of September. Argus Filch and his beloved cat, Mrs Norris, had already been at the castle for about a day, exploring the nooks and crannies of the enormous magical castle with what some of the other staff and faculty members might have described as a delighted smile. Such a smile would never be seen again, though a student would claim years later to have once seen something resembling a grin as he brushed his cat's fur in his office.

Said student, predictably, would receive a detention for 'meandering through the halls with suspicious intent'.

There were many presumptions among the staff in the following years as to what exactly could have changed Argus Filch to the grouchy, temperamental, vindictive caretaker that slouched along the corridors, detentions flying from his lips before most people could even figure out that they had done anything wrong—or rather, come to the realization that they, in fact, had not done anything wrong in the first place. That wasn't to say he had been very different before taking a job at Hogwarts. Argus Filch had always had a knack for rubbing people the wrong way and, in turn, he tended to despise anyone who wasn't his cat, the animal who seemed to be the only living thing that could tolerate him and love him.

(Though some people even dared to wonder if there were ever days when Mrs Norris didn't care for him either. Said people never voiced such a thought within hearing distance of the feline.)

The general consensus, however, when the reason for Argus Filch's generally unpleasant demeanor came up in conversation, was that the blame fell squarely upon his first 'real' day as caretaker at Hogwarts school, which was really just a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

And, as many days did, it began with Albus Dumbledore.

Hours had been spent in vindictive preparation to launch his assault on the young children of Hogwarts. Argus knew he had to lay down the law. He had to let them know he wouldn't be pushed around, nor would he be lenient. He was the alpha, the top dog, and he would make sure that every student knew it.

The man scowled into his mirror, attempting to find the best angle as he looked down his nose, lips curled. Mrs Norris observed from her perch on the bookshelf.

"Detention!" he suddenly hollered, pointing a finger. He paused. "Why?" he asked. Argus leaned forward until the tip of his nose bumped the mirror. "Because I said so!" He narrowed his eyes and after a moment of intense staring he pulled away.

"What do you think?" he asked the feline.

She meowed.

"Thank you."

He adjusted his coat and pulled at the small tie, gave himself another nasty look in the mirror, before heading out the door, Mrs Norris following along.

Here is where the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day began, as the caretaking pair stalked down the hallway and encountered a rather strangely dressed student chatting amicably with a portrait. And it was so that after hours of practice giving detentions for every reason he was allowed to make a detention for, Argus' gut reaction at seeing a student caused him to bellow out, "Detention!"

The student began to turn, but Argus was on a roll. "Dress code violation! Detention!" Mrs Norris gave a meow. "D—"

Albus Dumbledore, casually dressed in a shimmering bright green robe decorated in enchanted blue stars, and most definitely not a student, gave a smile. "Argus, good evening."

Argus' jaw dropped. Mrs Norris scampered behind the nearest suit of armor. He spared a moment to think, traitor, before he began to stutter and mumble something resembling apologies. The Headmaster took it in stride, adjusting his half-moon spectacles and stroking his beard.

"Ah, I shall arrive at your office promptly tonight after the feast to receive my detention." He winked, and Argus suddenly felt the world shift, as though a dark curse had been cast upon him—an omen foretelling that this day would be the beginning of many, many long days. And he had the odd sense of foreboding that none of them would be good.

Albus gestured towards the Great Hall, as ethereal as ever. "Shall we? The students will be arriving within the hour." He started walking, and upon seeing the elderly man retreat, Mrs Norris returned and leaped upon Argus' shoulder and gave a lick to his cheek. Argus scowled, and if any of the staff might have asked him why he was stomping like a child, an answer would never be given.

There were no more incidents until Albus, against Argus' will, introduced him to the students.

"Let's welcome our new caretaker, Argus Filch. Everyone, please treat him kindly." He smiled and gestured towards the man, who had until then been quietly hiding in a corner and glaring at anyone who made eye contact with him.

Upon the Headmaster's words, every living (and unliving) thing in the hall turned to look at him. He braced himself and gave the biggest scowl he could, almost a snarl, baring his teeth until his cheeks began to ache. Mrs Norris completed the image with a fierce glare of her own.

It was in that moment that the biggest war known to man began.

Because Peeves the poltergeist, the bane of every Hogwarts caretaker in existence, launched the first assault by grabbing Mrs Norris by the tail and throwing her up into the enchanted ceiling, cackling all the way. The resulting caterwauls were practically deafening, and the tough persona of Argus Filch melted away as he let out a yelp, racing from his corner to zig back and forth around the room in an attempt to catch the screaming feline. Despite later theories of kneazle heritage, Mrs Norris was only a cat—an unpleasantly intelligent one to be sure, but a cat nonetheless. And, as only a cat could do, she managed to catch herself on one of the invisible beams supporting the ceiling and latched on.

"Mrs Norris!" Argus cried.

"Ah," Albus smiled. "Argus, allow me to introduce you to Peeves, the castle's poltergeist."

Mrs Norris yowled louder.

Peeves, flying through the air, turned upside down and blew a raspberry. "Silly Filchies! Stupid kitties!" he sang.

It took a four minute monologue, three spells, a bottle of firewhiskey, and a shoe to get Peeves out of the Great Hall, and even then Filch had to wait until all of the students had finished their meals and left for their rooms to go and retrieve Mrs Norris. Professor Flitwick, a very small man with a very squeaky voice, had been kind enough to charm a ladder to extend to such a height, though the journey up was perilous. Mrs Norris was furious, and so was Argus. It was there in the Great Hall that he vowed vengeance, a solemn promise to rid Hogwarts of Peeves the poltergeist once and for all.

He would continue to fail for over 25 years.

However, that same night, another war would begin. It wasn't nearly as epic, nor as one-sided, but it was a grudge that would transcend time and space, lasting generations. And such a grudge began with two young students just beginning their third year of schooling.

Their names were James Potter and Sirius Black.

It was approximately 11:31 p.m., almost 29 minutes until the official end of Argus Filch's first day, and he was walking through the halls in search of troublemakers. Albus had assured him that the first night would be slow. The children would be fat and happy and not very inclined to disobey any rules. But still the caretaker prowled, nursing the wounds he had gained over the course of the night and just begging for an excuse to punish someone. Mrs Norris' tail was still fluffed to twice its normal size and she had sunk her claws into Argus' shoulder so she would not be so easily taken again.

Most of the paintings were asleep, and those that weren't averted their eyes when the pair passed. Argus gave them his best glare, but it was when one particular lady gave an outright laugh that he stopped.

He stared.

She quieted.

Argus took the frame and flipped it upside down. The woman began to shriek, but was silenced as he rehung the painting backwards. He turned to glare at the next painting and the man quickly hid out of sight. The next morning, when he would be asked about what had happened to his neighbor, he'd wisely say nothing.

It was luck and quiet whispers that stole the caretaker's attention away from doling out more punishments to the nosy paintings.

Perhaps, had Argus simply continued on his way without looking for trouble, even if it was on the administrative side, he would not have had the experience that cemented his overwhelming hatred for the student body of Hogwarts. If he had just been able to pretend that he had heard nothing and returned to his office where a nice bit of firewhisky waited to warm his belly, he could have overcome the damage done to his pride. Whether it was fate or his karma that caused his burning hostility to the student body remained a mystery even decades after his being hired.

"We have to find Remus," one voice whispered.

"I know, I know!" another voice complained. "I swear he said he wasn't feeling well so he had to go to the infirmary."

"But, he wasn't there, James," the other voice groused.

"Don't you think I noticed?" the other boy hissed.

"Come on, mate," the other boy's voice placated. The voices faded into more hushed whispers and Argus shared a glance with Mrs Norris before creeping forward. "Besides," the same voice sighed, "he's too tightly laced for that. We'll have to work on him, and I have all the stuff anyway."

"Stuff? What did you bring, Sirius?"

"Stuff, James" the other boy replied, "from home."

"Come on, let me see!" James protested.

"No!" Sirius hissed. "Come on, we have to go!"

"Just let me see it!" James insisted.

"No, damnit!" Sirius huffed. "Let's go before—"

"Well, well, well," Argus said with a sneer, slipping out of the shadows with a practiced slouch. Mrs Norris let out a low meow. "Out after curfew, hmm? Carrying suspicious contraband, hmm? I'll have you facing a nice detention soon enough." His sneer turned into a downright sinister grin. He was feeling better already. "Turn out your pockets."

"But, sir—"

"Turn them out!" Argus demanded.

The two boys looked at him and sighed, hands digging into their robes.

Most of it, Argus lamented, was normal stuff for thirteen year olds. Twine, candy, and chocolate frog cards with various wizards and witches on them. One thing that stood out as suspicious, however, was a small rodent. It was remarkably lifelike save for the tiny windup key on the back.

"Oh, and what is this?" Argus admonished, reaching for the mouse.

The boy with the longer black hair jerked his hand back. "Please, sir, don't touch it," Sirius pleaded. "It's a family heirloom! A Black family heirloom!"

"Then you'll get to explain to your parents why their heirloom is in my cabinet, then," the caretaker replied gleefully. Not only would he be punished by Argus, but his family as well. Twice the discipline! Tucking Mrs Norris under his arm, he reached out to touch the mouse.

Fwoosh!

Argus disappeared.

"Shit!" Sirius exclaimed, racing to stuff his pockets with the cast out items.

"What the bloody hell was that?" James shrieked, stuffing his pockets at the same time.

"Black family heirlooms are all protected in some way to keep them from being stolen. If you aren't blood related, they'll do something to you!"

"What the hell does that one do?" James hissed.

Sirius looked distressed. "I… I don't know."

James' eyes bugged out of his head. "You brought some cursed rat to school and you didn't know what it did?!"

"I wanted to find out!"

At that moment, the Headmaster stepped out of the shadows with a steaming mug of cocoa. "Ah," he started. The boys froze - perhaps the man's eyesight was based on movement. Alas, Albus continued after a content sigh. "What could possibly be so interesting that you would be spending your first night in the hallways instead of socialising with your new housemates, hm?"

With quick glances at each other, they straightened and pointed. "He did it!" they both exclaimed.

The Headmaster had trudged out into the dark with a handful of faculty to search the grounds for Argus. They found him on the shore of the Great Lake, covered in seaweed with a starfish casually acting as an eyepatch and an octopus who seemed quite content to cut off the circulation to his left foot. Mrs Norris had to be rescued from a boulder quite a distance away from shore, her pathetic, if not loud, meows the only way they noticed that she was even there. The mouse was taken and tucked away in a drawer labeled 'Confiscated and Highly Dangerous' while Sirius Black and James Potter were given two weeks' worth of detention.

It was from that point on, ego bruised from the humiliation, that Argus Filch swore vengeance upon the likes of James Potter and Sirius Black. No student was spared from his wrath, but that wrath in question would come in the following weeks and years. For days after his rescue, Argus Filch kept to himself and skulked about, recovering from a terrible first day on the job. It was the only mercy he would give them before becoming the cantankerous and cranky old man most people would come to know him as.

It was as Argus nursed his wounded pride, cuddling Mrs Norris to him and patrolling in one of the hallway corridors, that he made a horrible discovery. Every time one of the students passed him in the halls, Mrs Norris would sneeze.

His cat was allergic to children, and he was surrounded by them.