Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
Thanks for reading!
Rating: M for language and sexually suggestive content
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Chapter 4: Big Fat Fail
A big fat fucking FAIL, that's what that was.
Sasuke muttered to himself as he laid flat on his back in the middle of a now decimated Training Ground 14.
As much as he tried to focus on his combat formations, all he could think about was that dinner with Sakura and his family, and the bizarre shit show that followed.
Three days had passed since that disastrous evening, but he was still in the doghouse with his girlfriend… and it made him want to rip his hair out.
He recalled how he'd walked Sakura back to her apartment at the end of the night, and instead of being her usual sweet and flirtatious self - she had argued with him over that geriatric nutcase Madara.
"I said no. He's fucking nuts."
"Sasuke-kun, be reasonable. This is not a big deal. Shishou already spoke to me at length about his condition. Madara-sama is cognitively impaired, and shouldn't be treated differently than any other hospice patient requiring end-of-life care. That's all."
"Why do YOU have to do it."
"Your mother and Hitomi-san already explained why. For whatever reason, he asked for me specifically… and that's okay. Given his unique medical history, it's probably best that I be the one to address this anyways."
"Tch. He's always saying and doing crazy shit to the aunties. Like hell am I letting you near him."
"I already told you, Sasuke-kun. These types of outbursts are not uncommon amongst cognitively impaired patients, especially those under hospice care. Chronic pain and discomfort can make people say and do all kinds of things they don't really mean."
"Doesn't matter. You don't have time for this."
"That might have been the case before, but my schedule is much more manageable now that our new medics are in rotations. And it will be nice to spend some time each week administering palliative care, as it hasn't been my focus in years...
Dealing with people's lives hanging in the balance all day every day over surgery tables and emergency procedures makes me miss that part of my job sometimes."
Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered the twinge of melancholy on her face at that moment. Kami, she was annoying, but Sasuke couldn't help but soften his resolve at her words. He didn't think of Sakura's willingness to take on his mother's request from that angle, which he silently berated himself for after the fact.
Because he knew better than anyone how deeply the loss of a patient impacted Sakura; he knew how harshly she tended to blame herself whenever anyone died on her operating table, no matter how impossible the odds were or how futile a procedure was from the start. He understood why she might have wanted to step away from the stress of the OR and ER every once in a while…
And what she said next made him feel even worse.
"I understand your concerns, but I know how to run my practice, Sasuke-kun."
Sasuke dug the heels of his palms into his eyelids in frustration and fatigue.
That's not what he'd meant. He didn't mean to imply that she didn't know how to run her practice... He knew Sakura was at the top of her game; that's the last thing he wanted her to think.
Sasuke exhaled a deep sigh as he bitterly recalled what happened afterwards. The rest of their tense walk was completed in less than companionable silence. And after thanking him for escorting her home, Sakura informed him that she had an early morning the following day and wanted to get some rest.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
After spending two weeks sleeping without his girlfriend during his last mission, Sasuke had been looking forward to spending his nights back home holding her and getting… reacquainted, with her incredible body.
Instead, he'd managed to get cock blocked by a living mummy.
Seriously, how the hell did that night go off the rails so badly in such a short span of time?! One minute, Sakura's soft hand was a mere four inches away from his… special stuff, and the next minute, he'd found himself frozen out of her bed and walking back to the compound alone.
Even more troubling, was that somehow the evening ended with Sakura believing that Sasuke didn't think she could handle herself professionally, which he knew was a sore spot for her.
And worst of all, she had agreed to his mother and Auntie Hitomi's request to serve as an interim caretaker of sorts to that deranged asshole on days when she had free time from the hospital.
He recalled his Kaa-san's justification for this madness.
"It won't be all day, Sasu-chan. Sakura-chan is still very busy and doesn't have time for that. And it doesn't mean Megumi-chan or Hitomi oba-san, or Jinzo-san and the others will fall off the rotation. They'll still be there, it's just that Sakura-chan will come by when it's conducive to her schedule to aide in the important things – making sure he takes his medication, administering minor healing sessions to alleviate his general pain and discomfort, and other things that our clan members may not be as well equipped to handle… Right, Sakura-chan?"
Sasuke was suddenly ripped from his thoughts over that horribly botched evening by a smelly and obnoxious foot shoving his shoulder.
"What the fuck are you grumbling about now, Teme? Bitching cuz you can't keep up with me, is that it?!" Naruto scoffed as Sasuke viciously grabbed a clump of grass and slammed it into the blond's whiskered face.
Screeching every profanity under the sun as he sputtered dirt out of his mouth, Naruto reached over to try and put Sasuke in one of their usual chokeholds, but neither teen had the strength to put much energy behind their bickering. The boys were so exhausted, they barely noticed Shisui and Kakashi teleporting beside them.
The Copy Ninja peered lazily down at his raven haired former student.
"We're done for the day. You've been unfocused, Sasuke. Even with Kurama-sama's cooperation, the sheer force of the chakra you both are trying to coordinate is still extremely dangerous if it isn't handled perfectly."
Truthfully, Kakashi was surprised by the youngest Uchiha's wavering concentration that afternoon. Like his brother, the boy was usually militant about his training, staunchly disciplined, and was a resolute perfectionist.
In fact, there were only a precious few things he could think of that could ever pose as a potential distraction for him…
"YEAH! IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS, ASSHOLE!"
Kakashi sighed before turning to the blond knucklehead also splayed out on the ground. "Naruto, before you start pointing fingers about details, keep in mind that you showed up to training this morning with your pants on backwards."
Shisui snickered uncontrollably above them. "Oi, did ya have a long night, Naruto-kun? Your girl wore you out so badly you were too tired to even put your clothes on right this morning?"
Naruto's cheeks flushed violently as he frantically stammered out a string of vehement denials.
Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
What the fuck. Was he seriously the only one not getting any lately?!
"Oh c'mon, Kakashi-senpai. Don't be so hard on our Sasu-chan. He's got a lot to think about, you know."
Sneering mischievously, Shisui added, "After all, how would you feel if your woman was spending time in the exclusive company of none other than Uchiha Madara?"
Kakashi refrained from rolling his eyes. Is that what this was all about? Yare, yare…
Naruto immediately sat up, face scrunched in confusion.
"Who?"
Shisui smacked the back of his head. "I said, Madara. As in, one of the founders?"
Naruto shot Shisui a dirty look before turning to his former sensei with a pout. "But Kaka-sensei, isn't that guy dead?"
At times like this, Kakashi seriously wondered how his sensei's son managed to graduate from the Academy when he couldn't even remember a basic history lesson correctly.
But, for whatever reason - the silver haired jounin found himself in a rare, inexplicable mood to actually volunteer information for once, and decided to try and explain the situation to his clueless former student.
"No, he's not. Madara was close to death after he battled the Shodaime at the Valley of the End. But, he and the first Hokage were best friends, so the Shodaime used a kinjutsu to save his life."
Naruto scratched his chin as he tried to process this information. "Ano sa, but even if he didn't die back then, isn't he, like, really old? How is this Madara guy still around?"
Kakashi inwardly tsk'd. How could he explain Madara's condition in the simplest terms possible?
"Well, according to Tsunade-sama, Madara's body changed at a cellular level when the life force of the Shodaime entered his chakra pathways."
Sasuke rolled his eyes, Shisui tried to stifle a snort, and Naruto… still failed to infer what had happened.
So, Kakashi tried a different approach. "You know, Naruto… the Shodaime's unique powers gave him the ability to create living biological tissue, which made his famous mokuton ninjutsu possible."
(Crickets…)
"In other words, the Shodaime's chakra could prompt the regeneration of proteins and enzymes in the body at will. It is this power that caused Madara's cells to trigger continuous cycles of mitosis to renew themselves, which unnaturally prolonged his lifespan. Does that make sense?"
Sasuke shot his former sensei a dry look. Really?
As if he read his mind, Kakashi just shrugged. "You three always complained that I never bothered to explain anything, and now you know why."
In typical Naruto fashion, the blond simply dismissed the complicated bits he didn't understand… which in this case, was everything. But that was okay, because all of this just sounded like boring textbook shit that didn't matter.
More importantly –
"Why's this old man hanging out with Sakura-chan?"
Shisui crouched down to meet the younger nin at eye level.
"Well, Naruto-kun. Let's just say he's been receiving some private care from our favorite medic."
This time, Naruto looked over at his best friend in disbelief.
"That's what got your panties in a twist? Sakura-chan's new patient? He's just some old geezer."
Sasuke shot dagger eyes at the Dobe, and was about to retort when Shisui beat him to it.
"Ahhh, but that's where you're wrong. Madara isn't just any old geezer." The older Uchiha gave his baby cousin a devilish grin.
"He was an absolute savage with the ladies back in the day, you know."
Naruto's eyes widened while Sasuke's nostrils flared in indignation. "What the hell is that supposed to mean," he spat out.
Shisui chuckled as he picked at a piece of non-existent lint on his sleeve.
"Word on the street was, that Madara could get any woman he wanted. You know, because he had that whole 'wickedly handsome with a monster physique' thing going on. And of course, it didn't hurt that he was a crazy powerful ninja whose shinobi prowess could only be matched by the first Hokage."
Ignoring his senpai's bland, but unmistakably pointed look, Shisui bit back a giggle and continued on.
"… And of course, he's always had that long, virile – "
The wavy haired ANBU looked on with glee at the equal parts curiosity and horror reflected on both teens' faces before finishing his remark.
"HAIR."
Naruto nearly fell over. "Naniiiiiiiiiiii?! Hair?"
Shisui nodded with as straight a face as he could muster.
"Yes, hair. Where do you think Jiraiya-sama got the inspiration to grow out his own hair from? It's because Madara's crazy hair was always so popular with the ladies, and attracted a near endless stream of ass."
Sasuke was practically catatonic. His brain shut off after he heard the word "virile", and the only thing he could think of at that moment was the sight of Madara's enormous you know what, from three days ago.
The younger Uchiha visibly sweat dropped.
Sakura.
Oh Kami, Sakura… He recalled the way her large, emerald eyes had locked onto Madara's -
POWERFUL,
LONG,
VIRILE -
Sasuke suddenly snapped. Without another word, he grabbed Naruto by the collar and frantically dragged him off the training grounds to come up with some… plan, or strategy…. or… FUCK. SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to get Madara away from their impressionable female teammate.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Kakashi aimed a lazy eye over to his former kouhai who was now doubled over on the ground laughing, and exhaled a deep sigh.
"I don't even want to know. But why does it feel like we're going to be dealing with a whole lot of stupid over the next few days because of your little performance just now?"
Shisui couldn't offer a verbal response because his laughter had escalated into full blown howling.
Kakashi languidly pulled his hitai-ate over his left eye and whipped out his trusty orange book.
So much for training…
