Poptart Notes: You know what's fun about making up an art-house movie? If you get an idea, you can just chuck it in without any explanation whatsoever. My current quest is to make this movie stranger than "Fantastic Planet" and "Zardoz". It's very hard and I'm truly trying. Pray for my soul.
Well, here's part three of the commentating. Enjoy, read, and review if you like!
/
Chapter Four: The Menacing—Ah, Heck with It.
/
Speaking of whom, Perry had managed to get away from the watchful eyes of the humans when they weren't looking. He currently stood behind the furnace in the janitor's closet ("Ferb, if we installed a self-cleaning function and never actually hired any sort of janitor, why did we include a janitor's closet?" Phineas had asked.), poking around with his company watch. In a few moments, Monogram appeared on the watch's screen.
"Agent P.!" He exclaimed. "We've been watching over your family home for hours! We have found no signs of you or any of your owners that are younger than eighteen. Where in the name of Sam Hill are you?"
As a reply, Perry put his watch out toward the window, where Monogram could see all of space floating past.
"Deep space?" He raised an eyebrow. "Not to offend you, Agent P., but haven't you done this already?" The platypus glared at him. "Anyway, we needed you to stop Doofenshmirtz, because he seems to be sending suspicious signals all the way up into space—upon closer examination, they seem to be movies. And upon even closer examination, they have been revealed to be terrible movies—the kind that could've been on that one show from the nineties. Oh, what was that called again? It had the guy and the couple of robots watching bad movies and making fun of them, and it was really funny…Carl, go look that up!"
"Yes, sir!" The intern called from off-screen.
"Anyway, Agent P.," Monogram continued, "It seems that with you in outer space, you are unable to thwart—hey, something in your expression tells me that you already knew all this." Perry nodded. "Okay, time for a guessing game. Let's see…uh, Doof's sending the signals to your current establishment in deep space, right?" The platypus nodded again. "Ah! I knew it! Well, don't worry, Agent P. We'll find a way to get you back to your normal duties in no time. Monogram out."
The watch cut to static. Perry instinctively returned to all fours and trotted away to where the humans were.
/
"…And I'm just standing there, nearly naked except for that stupid loincloth and bib, riding on what I guess is some sorta pony." Buford went on. "And this moron in front of me is just yammerin' away in Portuguese, and then it finally hits me that I left the oven on! So then I get real angry…"
"Hate to interrupt your story, Buford," Phineas cut him off, kneeling down to pick up the platypus that had just wandered by, "But I just found Perry." Buford grunted in frustration.
"Whatever. Any more interruptions before we continue?" Candace raised her hand.
"When do we get to hear about that 'crystal corncob Macguffin' again?" She asked.
"Are we still in Machu Pichu?" Baljeet added.
"Why did you sell the Cantina for just an extra pack of gum?" Isabella threw in.
"Jeez!" Buford exclaimed. "Maybe if you listened to Buford at all, you'd know!"
"If you think this is shocking, you've never been on top of the DMV in Little Trenton, Kentucky with a chicken leg." Albert muttered.
"Oh, yeah, yeah. That'll get you to the Supreme Court so fast your head'll spin." Irving agreed. Buford raised an eyebrow.
"Continue."
"Well," Albert began, standing as if he were about to make a great address to the nation, "Let me begin with a bit of mood-setting—Imagine for a moment, if you will, a world in which there was no pie…"
However, he didn't get much further than that, for right when he'd finished that statement, a large siren began to sound from somewhere in the theater. Everybody got onto the floor, and Candace screamed in surprise.
"Phineas!" Isabella cried. "What is that?"
"I'm not too sure." Phineas replied calmly.
"Whoops!" The voice of the mad doctor himself, Doofenshmirtz, suddenly rang out from somewhere around the ceiling. "Guess I didn't warn you about the new 'movie sign' I installed!"
"Quit scaring us like that!" Baljeet exclaimed.
"Oh, lighten up, would ya? Anyway, break time's over."
"But—" Buford began.
"But nothing!" Doof cut in, his tone scolding. "You may have another break later if you behave, but if you refuse, you will go straight to your room."
"Room!" Buford exclaimed. "Whaddaya mean, 'room'?"
"Well, you see, Buford," Phineas giggled nervously, "We decided to give everyone a personalized bedroom in the event that we couldn't leave." Buford sighed.
"Wonderful."
"In which case, where do I sleep?" Albert asked.
"We'll make you the guest bed." Ferb told him.
"Okay."
"Excuse me, but movie time is now!" Doof jumped in impatiently.
"Alright, alright; don't get your boxers in a wad!" Candace exclaimed as they all filed back into the screening room.
"Just for your information, young lady, I am not wearing boxers!"
/
Three small infants sat on the ground. Each of them was giggling, wrapped in barbed wire.
"Sure." Baljeet said upon first seeing this.
The barbed wires tightened until, suspiciously and bloodlessly, the heads fell right off the bodies.
"And that, kids, is where shrunken heads come from." Albert declared.
"Wow! Tell us another story, creepy Uncle Imus!" Irving exclaimed.
The heads and bodies immediately decomposed into a green, soil-like substance, from which many black and white flower stalks began to sprout. They bloomed to reveal that the red flowers themselves had several sets of yellow fangs.
"'Twilight' vampires, exposed!" Buford cried.
"You had to make the old, dated Twi-pire jab, didn't you?" Isabella asked, sounding a bit bored.
"Yes, yes I did."
"Hurry!" A voice suddenly cried. "Hurry, Lord Siskel!"
"The hobo is a lord now." Baljeet stated flatly.
"Aw, come on!" Candace exclaimed, "You don't have to go and pull a 'Taming of the Shrew' opening on us!"
"Lord Siskel!" The image showed the cat's paws stamping along the ground as he ran, revealing a large garden full of the same kind of flowers. It also showed that the bum seemed to have lost much weight and grown older between scenes.
"Oh, man, how long is this Nyquil trip?" Albert, as Siskel, groaned.
"Siskel, master, what is happening to our sky?" The little rat, who had spoken previously, whimpered.
"The sky!" Siskel repeated, his head whipping around to look at the heavens.
"Hey, I forgot we had one of those!" Phineas exclaimed, presumably imitating the cat.
The sky was alternating between two bleak shades of gray, one light and one dark, while a steady beating came from somewhere in the background, sounding quite like a drum.
"Oh, my lords of the Catacombs," Siskel murmured in awe.
"HAHAHA! HE SAID CATACOMBS! IT'S FUNNY!" Candace yelled out sarcastically.
"Isn't it a little early for you to be going crazy?" Phineas asked.
"Yes, yes it is."
"It can't possibly be…the Eye has followed us all this way?"
"Bearing tragedy on its shoulders, my lord!" The rat, who was strangely not dressed as a person like the cats of the city, squeaked glumly.
"In many parts of the world, this is known as a thunderstorm." Buford noted.
"Ridiculous." Siskel grunted. "Simply ridiculous."
"Ssshh!" Irving hissed. "The Eye has ears, you know!"
There was a brief pause.
"What?" Albert asked.
"Well, he said that it had shoulders."
"What has become of the kittens?"
"They've all stayed." The rat replied with a heaving sigh. "Perhaps they'll be dead by tomorrow."
"And what of the full-grown denizens?"
"Eh, they'll just be dead-ish." Candace said.
"Unable to be located." The rat replied.
"Why do they never listen?" The bum groaned.
"I just thought for sure that they'd believe to the homeless guy who they saw ranting at the sky yesterday if he said it was the end of the world!" Baljeet exclaimed.
"Look, Siskel!" The rat exclaimed, pointing off-screen with his little forepaw. Siskel looked off to where the rat had pointed, and the camera followed his gaze to find large stone door in the ground, doorknob and all.
"Welcome to the Crypt!" Isabella said cheerfully.
"Please wipe your feet on the welcome mat!" Phineas added.
"We've found it." Siskel quickly threw up the hatch. Beneath the door was a ladder, which he hurriedly descended.
"With this standard-model rural basement, we shall be protected from the apocalypse!" Irving exclaimed.
The ever-anonymous little rat quickly leapt down the hole. As he dropped, three dots suddenly appeared on his forehead, glowing blue.
"Everybody hit the deck; he's entering the Avatar State!" Buford cried.
"Don't you mean—" Baljeet began.
"Don't you dare say it." Candace cut in threateningly.
"—the RATvatar State?" Baljeet finished, ignoring Candace's demand. Everybody groaned. Candace grabbed Baljeet by the wrist and led him out of the room.
"You just earned a pair of glitter-tonsils, bud."
A shot of blue liquid emanated from the spots, then expanding around him until it formed a bubble. The rat floated down the rest of the way into the hole, at the bottom of which was a sea of spikes. The first second the sharp point of one of these spikes made contact with the thin bubble, the bubble erupted in a shower of electric sparks.
"Hey! You just blew up my Popemobile, you tool!" Albert exclaimed for the rat.
The rat was then, of course, impaled on the spike. This was followed by the sharp spikes suddenly transforming into giant, black, vicious-looking rats, one of which was still wearing the previous brown rat like he was a choker.
"Phineas, is this that 'symbolism' thing you were talking to me about last week?" Irving asked.
"I'm just as lost as you are, Irving." Phineas replied.
"They were certainly trying for it." Isabella noted.
The army of rodents scurried off together. They clambered up over a staircase, at the top of which there was revealed to be another staircase. They went over that, as slowly as the film budget would allow, only finding another staircase at the end, which they climbed as well.
"Only when it was too late did the army realize that they were trapped inside of an M.C. Escher painting gone mad." Buford said.
Several staircases later, the army stopped in front of a large dais. Seated on this platform was a large clump of vines. These vines continued to grow and twine together until they had taken the shape of a large cat, sitting cross-legged. From the head of the vine sculpture, a thousand cat's eyes suddenly opened in unison. They blinked a single time down at the soldiers, and they immediately all fell dead, then crumbling to dust. The dust all blew away in a spontaneous wind.
"Well…done…congratulations…God Siskel." A deep, quiet, disembodied voice suddenly rang out as the shot faded to black.
From the next room over, there was a sharp, piercing shriek.
"NO!" It could be heard screeching. "NOT THE SOAP! I AM JUST A LITTLE BOY!"
"Wow. I really didn't expect Candace to follow up on that 'wash out your mouth' claim." Phineas commented.
"AAAAAGH…" There was the hissing of hot water and the sprinkling of a showerhead.
"Poor, poor, poor Baljeet." Isabella sighed.
