Hi guys.(: Sorry for the late update, school has kicked off and teachers are hitting us hard with homework, but I finally finished this one off.
Thank you to my beta.
Inspiration for this chapter is "Read All About It" by Emeli Sande, so check it out.
Thanks so much for reading!
The silence of the room echoed off of the walls, creating a loud ringing sound in my ears. My head was buzzing with different lies, but the only one burning on my tongue, was the truth. I could've told them about Britt and I, and leave out what was going on in my head, or the other way around.
I honestly didn't know what to do. All eyes were on me, some of them already guessing something was wrong.
"Do you want the good news first or the bad?" I croaked out, like an actual coward. Why was I so scared of the truth? Why was it so much easier to lie?
What would they say? Would they accept Brittany and I? Would they understand that I'm mentally fighting myself? Would they keep it in the room?
"Santana, we are not forcing this out of you. If necessary, please begin with the good news, then you may continue with the bad," Rachel still stood in the middle of the room, staring at me just like the others.
My only choice was to get up, and face them. Face the fact that I was a lesbian. Face the fact that I was not fine. Face the cruel society we lived in.
"I never planned on doing this on such short notice, but someone has been relying on me. Never asking for much, always being by my side. I bet you guys all guessed Brittany, which is correct," Looking down at my shoes, I couldn't believe I was doing this.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brittany smiling proudly, just like the day I won her a stuffed duck at the Lima Fair.
"Yay San! You won!" Her hands clapped as she jumped up and down adorably. In her blue skinny jeans, and white flowy shirt, she ran over and jumped into my arms. I never wanted to let go when she did that.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, her soft lips pressed the side of my cheek and in that moment, the blood rose up, creating a small blush.
"It was nothing, Britt. I could win as many stuffed ducks as you please," I shook the blush off and smiled confidently into the happiest blue eyes I have ever seen. It was so easy to make her smile, laugh, and just to make her happy. Her smile was contagious too, so when she was happy, everyone else got that positive energy she carried.
It was the last day at the fair, so not many people showed up. Young children were scattered everywhere, but no high school losers we knew. A few parents, annoyed at how empty their wallets felt, stood by the smoking booth.
Without paying attention, Brittany took my hand, and not just pinky linked, but intertwined our fingers as we walked through the fair. I looked around first, scared at people looking, then looked over at how proud and loving my dancer looked, and all of my worries were lost.
That was the first time Brittany and I actually went out with our "relationship" at the time. Before everything started worsening, it was the best fair experience we shared together. The happiest we've ever been.
"I've been mad at the world. Mad at who I've become and at who I am, but Brittany has taught me to accept it, and today, I officially can say, Britts and I are soul mates. No one can fuck with us, we've been inseperable," I closed off, and looked up at everyone going up into applause.
"It's about time you two have confessed your love. You two are definitely not subtle," Kurt chimed in and fits of laughter were shared. Mercedes got up and hugged me tightly, supporting me no matter what.
"Congrats girl," her bright white teeth shined at me, as Quinn was the next to envelop me into a hug.
"Santana Lopez! I knew it all along!" She laughed along with everyone else. Happiness was passed along through everyone, lighting their souls up because of the bad vibe in the air.
You see, Quinn was my home girl. No matter how many immature, pointless fights we shared, she's always actually had my back. She was that bitch who gave you that extra push when you needed it.
Overwhelmed by everyone's support and joy, I searched for my new girlfriend in the crowd of acceptance. It was amazing at how cruel the outside world was, but in this little classroom everyone was so.. understanding. They made it seem as if, there actually were no malicious people out there, but accepting. They were always so passionate in trying to make people feel fit in, it was truly amazing.
I found the bubble of blonde hair and ocean blue eyes, and fought to get to her. Her mouth screaming for me, her arms extended to reach me. I paced up the levels of the performing area and reached her.
Finally, our lips crashed, creating a wave of relief and love wash through me. Nobody could understand how much I've daydreamed of that one moment, us coming out and kissing proudly at the fact of us being a couple.
Brittany's strong arms wrapped me into the indescribable hug she's always known to give me, still holding onto our kiss. My hands found their way up and tangled their fingers into her soft, Brittany smelling hair. Slowly, the kiss was broken, but our connection wasn't.
Our foreheads pressed together, unaffected at the "aww's" behind us. Brittany's lips mouthed "I love you so much," and I couldn't help but cry happy tears at her gesture.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," I sobbed into the crook of her neck, clutching onto her. "I love you Brittany!"
Nothing could describe the feeling that was running through my veins. It was like, I had just won the lottery. Like, the winter breeze met the humid air of summer and mixed together, leaving a feeling in my chest that I've never felt before. Who knew it felt so good to come out?
I have never needed anything so much in my life. The fact that Brittany was always the one to hold me to sleep, to reassure me in my doubt, be my best friend, love me as who I was, accept everything about me, help me through good times and bad, be there no matter what, was absolutely incredible to me. To finally call the person who has been there since day one, mine, was the best feeling in the world.
Wiping my joyous tears away, and falling back down to reality, I knew the bad news was upcoming. Why did I have to be so fucked up and messed? Why?
If it weren't for me, we could've left that room on a good note. Loving one another, and being happy, but no. I had to come along and shine my fake smile, and ruin everyone else's days.
I looked back, poised to finally speak out. I was doing it for my girlfriend. The love of my life. My Brittany, in return to everything she had done for me.
Rachel was crying at how "cute" we were, as everyone else settled down. They sat in their usual seats, not anywhere ready to hear what was coming. I couldn't even think or imagine the faces I would get in return for my "news."
"Thank you for all the support, we appreciate it," I couldn't help, but crack a smile at how adorable Brittany was. She sat there, her cheeks glistening in the light due to her happy tears. Almost anyone could tell (even a blind person) that she was on cloud nine, and extremely happy I did that for us.
"But there is something you don't know about," Back to staring at my feet, I tried to think of how I was going to put this. What was I supposed to say? I'm fine and all, but-. No, I had to ease into it, or wing it. Either way, I was already in for a wild ride. I already had to tell them because I told them I had bad news. I could've lied and just said someone in my family died or something, but lying wasn't the road I wanted to take.
"I'm sorry for being ruthless to most of you, but it was for a reason. I was hiding. Hiding behind a fake mask of smiles, when in reality, it was all insecurities. I stand here, telling you all, I do things to myself, that shouldn't be done to a body which is now, so weak. I'm a self harmer,"
I looked up at the confused, sad faces, blankly looking at me. I couldn't lie and say that's all, once the truth is out, things follow. My heart was starting to pound rapidly, and the feeling of wanting to throw up erupted into my stomach.
"Also, I binge and then purge everything I eat. I have an eating disorder, also known as bulimia. I am deeply depressed at many things. My mother's passing, my dad.. in general, the way I feel, look, and act, the flaws I have, it's all wrong. I hate myself. I honestly believe I shouldn't be here," Fresh, not so happy tears subsided and I couldn't help, but cover my face. I didn't need everyone telling me any different. I never meant to start crying, but I was so sick and tired of the strong Santana on display. I wanted to reveal the actual me, the not so strong, frail, depressed one, who no one knew.
I couldn't see it, but Mr. Schue summoned Brittany to come take me out to comfort me. Her arms wrapped around me, and she whispered so soothingly, "Shh, San. Things will be okay." I felt her try to escort me out of the room.
My eyes opened themselves, trying to figure out what everyone's faces were saying. Some were actually crying, but silently. Just like Brittany when her heart was hurting. I could tell that the ones crying, were pained to see me like this. Others, were just plain shocked to hear me say that. Who was actually anticipating me to say something like that? No one.
"Please, you can't tell," I gasped as Britt pushed me out of the door. "Please!" I cried hopelessly, longing for someone to agree not to say anything. I didn't need anyone else into my pool of problems, especially my dad. He was the last one I wanted to know.
"Santana," Brittany took me in her arms. I felt her heart beat against my ear, as I heard it roar wildly. She wanted to cry, to break down, to not see me like this. But some things in life are there for a reason. She always got a feeling things were wrong with me, but never actually said anything.
"San? Are you alright?" I had just come back from throwing up the last of the Friday Chinese food Britt and I always shared before a movie.
Concern flashed through her eyes, but now was not the time. Or ever.
I had the minty scent on my breath because I had to brush my teeth after hanging my head over the toilet bowl. Nothing was a better than the emptiness in the pit of your stomach and the slippery feeling in your throat.
I nodded my head, unusually lightheaded after my bathroom visit. I knew I must've looked a little pale, but I never got dizzy. Looking down, my body seemed unstable from starving for many days. It was probably mad at me.
I had just tempted it with a full stomach, nourishing my bones, but I was like the Grinch. I stole everything away from it.
"I'm fine Britt Britt," my voice cracked as I collapsed onto the couch next to her, cudling into her side.
Her hand automatically brushed through my long, raven locks and tried to figure out what was wrong.
"Okay.." She replied, turning back to the starting chick flick. She was already lost in it before I could reassure her some more.
I wish I could've told her, asked for her help, but I couldn't. I couldn't tear her down and pull her into my dark soul. I didn't want her to see the scars on my wrists or the ribs sticking out of my stomach. She was too innocent to see.
I felt my eyes droop closed, safe in Brittany's arms for a good night's sleep.
I needed her. I knew this was a selfish action, but she was my only hope. My only escape.
Brittany pulled me into the girl's locker room, brewing things to say to me. I knew she was trying to make me feel better, to make me feel alright, but nothing was actually okay. I got that a lot you know, it'll be okay, but it really wasn't. Nobody understood that.
"Take off your sweatshirt, San," Brittay whispered. Her voice was so tiny, I barely managed to hear it. Do you know what it feels like to see the person you love the most, crumble right in front of you?
I didn't question it, I obeyed her. Brittany had this way inside of my mind, travelling to my brain and making it listen to her without my opinion. I had no say in whatever Brittany wanted because I automatically listened.
My Cheerios sweatshirt fell to the floor, and her warm hands maneuvered my body towards the mirror. I closed my eyes. I absolutely hated seeing my body and scars. I couldn't stand staring at it, because I didn't regret doing it to myself. What I did, was for a reason. My thinking was something that I knew was happening. I knew what I was doing, and I didn't think I took it to far.
"Open your eyes. What exactly do you see?" She whispered again. So tiny.
Opening my eyes, I tried to see what other people thought of me. The sick, too thin girl, who had deep scars up and down the insides of her arms, but no. Do you know what I saw?
I didn't see my hip bones sticking out at me, I saw fat oozing out. I didn't see my ribs poking out of my stomach, I saw fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. That's what I saw on every inch of my body. Oh and my scars? They made me feel.. alive. Everytime I cut, I felt some sort of aliveness shoot through my body, like a bright light through a dark tunnel. I felt this satisfaction, that nothing else could give me.
But I didn't care. I cared about everything else in the world, except myself. Nothing could persuade me or intrigue me into caring, or even loving myself. Nothing.
I couldn't lie to Brittany who was standing there, strong. So strong to not even shed a tear at the sight of my pale body. I didn't expect her to though, I didn't expect anyone to. I didn't want sympathy, I didn't want anything, except to die. To leave the darkness and enter light for once in my life.
"Fat," I shot her a look through the mirror. Why were we doing this?
"Santana," she whispered weakly, trying to get me to understand that I really was frail. But I didn't believe her, nor anyone.
"No Brittany, don't," I snapped. I've been through the whole lecture of being beautiful, and that I was worth something so many times, I couldn't stand it. It boiled my blood, I hated it. Oh Santana, your worth everything in the world. Your not fat, you never were. Why can't you see that? No. Just no.
"NO! You listen to me," she snapped, even shocking herself at how she was yelling. Brittany was taken aback at the tone and sharpness in her voice, even though it was for the best, I felt a rush of anger boiling through my body.
I never got mad at Britt. Ever. Why did I always get so defensive and touchy on this particular subject? I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was doing myself good, I was fixing myself, not destroying.
I grabbed my sweatshirt off the floor and slipped it back on, my hands shaking at the movement. I was really tired, maybe even exhausted at how many times I threw up that week. Everytime I ate(even if I did eat) my gag reflex would automatically throw everything up, leaving me with that amazing feeling of being empty.
Being empty made me feel so good. Like I was winning, and beating those voices inside of me. I was out to prove them wrong. That I could be as thin as possible, and have so many scars, I couldn't wear short sleeve shirts anymore. And to me, that feeling was absolutely indescribable.
"Your killing yourself, what don't you understand? Your sick," A pain in my gut shot at me, making me shudder at the word. Sick. I wasn't sick, was I?
"Santana," her voice was back to being so tiny and weak. "I can't be your girlfriend if you can't even love yourself, the way that I do," she was in tears now. Those baby blue eyes looked so pained with tears pooling out of them.
The anger evaporated and I was left with a choice now. A robotic voice trembled out of me, "I can't- I can't change."
She nodded, taking a step back. You could tell she didn't see that coming. Everthing about her screamed that it wanted me to get better. That was something I didn't want though.. I didn't want to.
Back in the choir room, everyone was stirring. The whole group was astonished that they never noticed anything going on with Santana until now.
"Guys, we really can't tell," Quinn stood up, defending one of her best friends. "She made that clear."
"Quinn," Mr. Schue cut into the conversation, shocked as well. Even though he was the teacher, he couldn't even believe one of his best students, his strongest one was going through this alone. He didn't even understand why she never spoke up about it.
"I know you care about Santana, we all do, but would you rather see her get worse or gradually get better?" He insisted, trying to reel in the students into getting San help, something she truly needed.
She sat back down, flattening her Cheerios skirt with both her hands. She warmed her palms against the thick material and nodded, understanding where her favorite teacher was coming from.
"Mr. Schue's right guys," Artie rolled to the middle of the room, a little tear threatening to spill out of the corner of his eye. Even though Santana stole Brittany from him, he still cared for her with all of his heart. For both of them, and to see them both hurt, pained him. He wanted to fix it.
"We need to get her help.. before- before it's too late," everyone agreed, leaving Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury to the task.
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