He didn't set out to become popular so when he found himself among the elites, he didn't realize at first just how far he'd moved up the social ladder.
His parents weren't rich. They weren't about to file for bankruptcy but, money was consistently tight so they could save as much as possible. They didn't have very prestigious jobs either. His dad was a mailman and his mother a cosmetologist for the local news.
He had two younger siblings that inspired him to be his best every day. They were five and six years younger than him and he knew that he wanted to be the best role model possible for them. So he worked hard in school. He played sports. And he was nice to anyone he came across. After all, being nice to someone meant you would receive kindness back. The world was a great place.
Meeting Dash was like finding a puzzle piece he didn't know he was missing. In a matter of days he went from hanging out with lots of people to hanging out with his blonde friend whenever they had a moment. Within two weeks, he couldn't contemplate not having Dash as his best friend. In a month, he was universally accepted as being one of the elites.
Hayden was hilarious and energetic while Taylor was prim, proper, and poised. Georgie was a bad boy stereotype come to life that escaped being insufferable with his wry humor and hands off attitude. Becky was already planning her campaign for student council president next year. Paulina was shallow yet, welcoming.
And then there was Star. She was beautiful and it took so much effort not to stutter when she would speak directly to him.
When he first caught Dash tripping someone in the hall, it had to have been an accident. When Dash called that same person names the next day, Kwan was in denial. His best friend was not the sort to bully people. Sure, Dash was in every way an alpha male but he was also self assured and didn't need to bring other people down in order to feel good. But once he noticed, he couldn't forget.
He rattled his head for days on how to confront his friend about being a bully and why it was wrong. He believed in Dash, truly. There had to be something else going on. A reason. Kwan grew disheartened as he noticed just how large this bullying ring was.
He finally asked Becky. How should he confront Dash? Why was this so widespread?
She invited him to Paulina's that weekend.
It was his first time at the impressive mansion (or any mansion) so he did his best not to stare. Gathered in the Queen Bee's room, the elites seemed to collectively shed a weight Kwan didn't understand. "Kwan! I didn't know you were coming." Dash exclaims with a glance towards Paulina.
The nervous edge in his voice told Kwan that whatever was going on wasn't supposed to leave this room or these people
"It's ok. " Taylor intercepted. "He's one of us. We were going to have to fill him in at some point."
Dash scowls but doesn't protest. Instead, he flops backwards onto Paulina's king size bed.
Hayden is the last to arrive with a cheerful, "Hello! Didn't mean to keep everyone waiting - I was picking up some last bits of intel at the skate park. Oh, Kwan is here. Did you fill him in yet?"
"No. We were waiting for everyone so that he wasn't hearing just one side of the story." Paulina states.
They explain from the beginning. How there was a little name calling going on, but nothing big. How it had changed when Dash got in a fist fight (which had happened because of 'personal issues') and how they decided to deal with the fallout.
The lists, the planning, the precautions... Kwan was floored. They weren't heroes, but they were protectors. And then there was the E-List. The people they knew were depressed and having serious problems in their lives. The people they kept a silent eye on in case they needed interference. They had only done so once for Marcy Briggs. Taylor had discovered scratch marks on her arms and anonymously reported her for cutting.
Hayden stepped forward with a big smile, crossing a name off said list. "That's why I was late. I was gathering the latest on Scotty. He's not A-ok, but he's on the road to recovery." And that was it. No one talked about what the problems were or dug into these people's private lives. They just evaluated who was and wasn't ok and trusted each other when they said someone should move up or down the lists.
It was amazing. Kwan sat on the couch across the room while the others started discussing how certain people were doing; who had changed in social status, was it the right time to switch targets - he was shell shocked.
Star leaned on the arm next to him, rigidly holding her elbows. "I don't like it. I think bullying is wrong and it shouldn't ever happen." She states and he notices the shadows across her face and the pursed lips that are holding back a frown. She sighs. "But I'm also glad. They make sure it never gets out of hand. Feelings may get hurt, but they keep it under control. No single person is a target. And they don't do it just to feel powerful."
Kwan doesn't know what happened with Star (and he's sure that something has happened) but he can't help feeling admiration towards her. She's put a lot of consideration into just what they're doing and is a constant moral compass to stop things from going too far. He forgets that they're eleven because the scope of this operation seems so far beyond what any of his classmates are doing (as far as he knows) and sees only the amazing woman Star will become.
He knows, in that moment, that he wants to be by her side forever.
It's not too long after that the lists are leaked. Not the E-list though. Everything but the E-list.
The elites are now called 'The A-Listers' and while the rest of it fades away, the eight of them are more singled out than before. Kwan feels uncomfortable with all the attention and wonders if this is how the F-Listers always feel. But most of the F-Listers aren't on the E-List and Kwan admires them. Despite always being singled out, they don't let it get to them. So Kwan decides that he's going to be the same.
Dash seems happier these days even though he doesn't say why and Kwan takes his place next to his best friend is this secret scheme. He notices that sometimes Dash will pay more attention to one target than another, be just a little meaner, but it's never out of control so he doesn't think anything of it.
The following September, he suspected his best friend and Paulina might be dating. After working on a history project together, they seemed even closer and more comfortable with each other than ever and the rumors were rampant. They both denied it and said they were just best friends.
Star and Kwan, both feeling stung at the seeming dismissal, went walking through the park that afternoon. After voicing some complaints Star turns to him with an idea. "We should go out." Kwan's heart seems to both stop and speed up as those words before promptly being crushed. "If they're going to leave us behind, we should leave them behind."
Kwan stares at his shoes. He wants to go out with her. He really does. but not for these reasons. It feels wrong. And he's pretty sure that if he does this, if he starts dating her for some petty reason, it will never be what he truly wants with her. So he takes her hand, and says, "Star, I want to go out with you. I really do. But not like this." Her eyes go wide. "I really like you Star. And I'll wait. I'll wait until you like me too."
They part for the day and Kwan knows that she's thinking. Star is always thinking. It's part of what makes her so amazing.
The next day they're back at Paulina's and Georgie wants a clear explanation of whether the two are dating or not. They aren't.
So what about Star and Kwan?
Well, why would they have to have just one best friend?
Kwan feels silly for feeling replaced. It's true after all. Dash and Paulina have always been close and it was small minded to not even consider that they were best friends.
Valentine's comes around and Kwan feels his heart stuck in his throat. He got cards for all his friends except Star. For her, he had a small heart shaped box with nine chocolates. Will she like it? Is it too much?
He gives it to her after school, away from prying eyes. "I just want you to know that you're special. And I really, really like you."
Star doesn't take it. Instead, she pulls out a bag of conversation hearts. "I'm sorry. About before. I wasn't thinking about how you might feel. So, I was wondering, if we could go out for real?"
Kwan feels like his face is going to rip in two but it's the best feeling he's ever had. His smile says it all to Star and they spend the rest of the afternoon trading conversation hearts and truffles.
Star is a bossy girlfriend. She's jealous and pushes him around but he doesn't care. Every time she doesn't want him to spend time with other people, he can see the fear in her eyes that she'll be forgotten. When she bosses him around, he knows that she doesn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it does. And if he were to ever tell her 'no', he's sure that she would cry. Not because he didn't want to do a certain thing, no, she wasn't bothered by things like that. But because she'd think it's her. That he's tired of her or doesn't like her anymore.
Anything and everything he can do for her makes him happy. So, on a Friday in May, when she stops walking as he carries her backpack home for her, he's worried.
"Star?" he asks, taking notice of the lack of people in this section of the park. "Are you alright?"
"Why don't you hate me?" She asks and Kwan feels like the world was just ripped out from under him. "I'm mean and selfish and I boss you around and it can't be any fun - I certainly wouldn't like it. But you're always smiling and you never tell me that something isn't ok or that I'm being mean to you. Why?"
"Star, I love you." And that only makes it worse.
"How? Why? It doesn't make any sense!" She's crying. Not physically but he can hear it in her voice and feel it in his soul. "I don't deserve this! I don't see why you want me!"
Kwan puts both the backpacks down and gently takes her hands into his own. "I love you." He holds her hands closer when she tries to tug them away. "I love everything about you. I know adults say I'm too young to understand what love is, but I do. I love you. I can't even put it into words. I love your smile. Your laugh. Your humor. Your eyes. I love how you can always distract someone who's having a bad day and take their mind off of things. I admire how you think about the world and don't just take it at face value. I admire your sharp wit and how you always have a different perspective on why someone took certain actions.
"I love your insecurities. I know that you're just scared of me leaving so you hold on tight, and I feel flattered because I know that you want me to stay with you. I don't care if you want things a certain way if I can prove to you that I'm not going anywhere and that nothing will change my mind. It doesn't matter that you're scared I'll leave. I will stay with you until you tell me to leave or until we're dead.
"I can't give just one reason for loving you. It's not the good things or the bad things, the big or small things, it's everything. Every little piece that makes you, you, makes me fall even more in love. I love you Star. And I'll wait for you to understand that."
She's crying for real now, and Kwan simply pulls her to his chest and lets her bawl her eyes out. It doesn't matter if his shirt gets dirty. It doesn't matter that she doesn't believe him yet. He'll be there for her and when she's ready to face her demons, he'll help her.
Their relationship gets better. Star is less bossy and more comfortable with asking him to do things. (Even if it sounds like orders to other people.) She holds herself back when he's hanging out with other people because she's learning to trust that he will always come back.
When he gets hurt playing sports, she learns basic first aid just so she can mend him up. She hands him money before every date so even though it's her cash, it's still him treating her. She speaks up for his opinions even when they don't mirror her own because he's, quote, 'Too nice to disagree with people'. When he sprains his wrist, she takes notes for him in the classes they share and pays people to do it in the classes they don't.
It's not a relationship most people see as fair but their best friends, Paulina and Dash, understand so they don't care. Kwan would be happy just to worship the ground she walks on. So Star wants to be someone worth being worshipped.
It's January in eighth grade that Kwan notices something is seriously wrong. Star is always watching her own reflection with a small frown. She's cataloguing all the angles and checking her size. He doesn't understand what's bothering her but he tells her she's beautiful and tries to make her smile.
When Valentine's comes around again, Star says that she doesn't want chocolates. Kwan knows she's concerned about her weight even if he doesn't think she should be but, it's also their one year anniversary and he wasn't planning on chocolates anyway.
He buys her a dozen red roses (for romantic love), a single pink rose (for admiration, perfect happiness, and 'please believe me'), a singing valentine from the school choir, and writes 'Property of Star' on the back of his hoody. He knows she'll like the last one even though she won't say it.
She buys matching necklaces with half a heart each, saying 'Together Forever'. She keeps the side that says 'Forever' and he makes a silent promise to make it come true.
By the end of March, the weight loss is terrifyingly obvious on her already thin frame. They watch her constantly and yes, she is eating. Is she sick? Is something wrong at home? She insists it's nothing.
It's during spring break that Paulina catches her. They're poolside for the moment, waiting for their lunch to digest before heading back into the water. Star goes to the bathroom and Paulina follows a minute after. Dash and Kwan are talking about how exciting it will be 'on the team' next year and wondering how long it will take to get on varsity.
Kwan knows something is wrong when Star is being tugged along, head held low.
"We're leaving." Paulina commands and neither of the boys question her. They gather all of their stuff and Dash offers his house since it's closest. The walk there is tense and Kwan desperately tries to catch Star's eye. What wrong with her? What did Paulina find out?
He prayed it wasn't what he thought it was. Weight loss and something Paulina saw in the bathroom? He didn't want it to be so.
The latina led them straight up to Dash's room without asking. Kwan had been over to his friend's house many times, but never in his room. He wasn't bothered - some people just like their privacy.
Apparently this talk needed a lot more privacy.
She led Star to a black bean bag surrounded by... Teddy Bears? That wasn't important right now. Dash handed her a blonde bear perfect for hugging, saying, "This is Komu. He's a great listener. He never judges and you can tell him anything."
With one hand in Paulina's death grip and the other holding Komu close, Star chokes out a sob. Turning in the bean bag, the latina throws her other arm around her best friend and pulls her into a hug. "I... just wanted... to be beautiful." She chokes out.
Paulina is stroking her hair. "When did it start?"
"I... threw up after Christmas dinner. I ate too much and... when I realized that I still felt full but my stomach wasn't big from all that food... I thought it wasn't such a bad idea. It was just once in a while... for a while..."
Kwan feels like a failure. Star had been suffering all these months and he hadn't been able to put the pieces together.
"Why did you do it?" Dash asks. He's sitting next to the bean bag, a blue bear in his arms.
"Because... I want to stay popular... and beautiful... and I want Kwan to love me." She buries her head into Paulina's shoulder.
Kwan feels crushed. This... is because of him? Did he pressure her about her looks? Did he say anything that made her think she wasn't good enough? Did he not tell her how perfect she was often enough?
"Star..." he starts and has to take a deep breath to stop himself from choking up. Star needs him to be strong right now so that she can fall apart. He kneels in front of her. "I love you Star. And that will never change no matter what you look like. Skinny, tall, short, fat; none of that matters. You'd still be Star and I'd still love you. You're so beautiful just how you are. I'm so sorry if I did something or said something that made you think you weren't good enough - you're perfect! Your popularity, your beauty, and especially my love - none of it depends on how skinny you are."
And he wants to stop right there because the next words he has to say could hurt her, but she has to know. "This hurts Star. Seeing you like this hurts. Knowing that it's my fault, in any small way, that you're in pain is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'd rather die than be the cause of any of your pain. And it's not just me. You're hurting Paulina and Dash as well. We care about you and to see you destroying yourself-" He can't hold back a squeaky sob.
He furiously scrubs his eyes. He can fall apart later. Star needs him. He hopes she needs him. Because this is his fault and if he can't make it better, how can he claims he loves her?
"Please, Star. Please stop this." He begs and he can't stop the steady drip of tears falling to his lap.
Star looks at him, starts a new round of sobs, and launches herself into his chest. He wraps his arms around her, making sure she doesn't get hurt as he's pushed to the floor, and holds her close. "That's what you always say! I can't be as perfect as you say I am! I just can't! Paulina is more perfect than I am!"
Kwan holds her close and wishes anything he weren't causing these tears. He shouldn't have told her that she's prefect? It's his fault because he said too many nice things?
"I'm not perfect." Paulina declares and Kwan knows the ball is in her court now. It's her turn to find what Star needs to hear. The latina goes in depth about chewing her nails. Her obsession with having them perfect. How just a month ago she ripped off three of them because she couldn't get them filed right and that's why she has acrylics right now.
Kwan didn't know what to say. He had never considered that Paulina might have an obsession like that. It was downright pathological and he'd never considered Paulina someone who might have a disorder.
And then Dash started. He confessed to being gay and his love of Teddy Bears. How his mother had called him a faggot and how, even two years later, there was still tension between them. How scared he was of people at school finding out and being ridiculed.
Star sat back up and he leaned the two of them up against the bean bag, pulling her close to his side. She talked about her cousin and how he'd been bullied. How she'd been the one person who he'd talk to about what was wrong. The anger, the pain, the drugs. How she still had the bag hidden in her drawer.
The body.
Kwan felt his heart break all over again. She had been suffering in silence all this time; all of his friends had. And he had never known. He felt like the worst friend in the world.
Dash stood and declared he was going to get snacks. Asking Star what she wanted to eat (Hawaiian pizza with bacon) he went to order and brought back four cups and two bottles of soda.
Paulina ordered Star to the bathroom before they started because they were not letting her leave while or after they were eating. The pizza arrived and they settled comfortably among Dash's bears discussing their issues and how they would help each other.
Kwan confessed to feeling a bit left out since he didn't have a big secret like the rest of them.
"I don't think that's true." Paulina stated and everyone looked at her. What secret did Kwan have that he didn't even know? "The way you treat Star isn't exactly normal. I'm not saying it's a bad thing but, you worship the ground she walks on. If she told you to kiss her feet and worship her like a goddess, you'd do it in a heartbeat. That's not normal and it's troubling for her. You may not see anything wrong with this, but Star feels like she has to live up to being some goddess on earth. She's your girlfriend, not a deity."
He blinked in confusion. That wasn't normal? He was troubling Star?
"I'm not saying you have to change your entire relationship, but you have to understand how you've troubled her. As far as I see it, you two work well together. Star thrives on being the center of your world and you're ecstatic that she allows you be part of hers. I don't think either of you could function in a normal relationship."
The two looked at each other before looking back at the Queen Bee. Not that they hadn't known her to have an amazing grasp on human behavior but, now they knew just how spot on she was. She'd read them like a pro gambler. If they hadn't been such close friends, Kwan might have been concerned for his safety.
When Dash's father came home about five, said football player exchanged a glance with Paulina and went to talk to him. Kwan wasn't sure what they had planned or how they knew what the other was thinking but, he trusted them.
Dash came back about ten minutes later. "I explained what's going on to my dad. He's going to call Star's parents to come over in about an hour so we can talk about what to do next."
Star grimaced but nodded in acceptance. Once they hashed out a decent sounding plan, they turned their attention to lighter topics. By the time Star's parents arrived, she was cuddled into Kwan's side and laughing.
They turned somber as they entered the living room.
Kwan tucked his girlfriend under his arm and Paulina stepped forward like a true leader with Dash at her side. She explained the situation and outlined their plan to watch Star carefully for the last bit of school and then have her go to rehab at the start of summer. Star didn't want to miss school for a number of reasons: catching up on work, how the rumors would spread, and how being near her friends helped.
There was outrage, disbelief, anger. Everything was fielded by Dash, Paulina, and Dash's father when adult authority was needed.
"I think the kids are on the right track. As soon as they knew what the problem was they brought it to adults and decided to get Star professional help. There are many kids who would try to rough it and that could make things worse. They made a valid suggestion and have each volunteered to watch out for her as much as possible. There's nothing more you could ask from these kids." Mr. Baxter stated.
Never had Kwan felt more like an adult in his short life. The praise for handling the situation well, for helping Star, was the greatest compliment.
The glow of accomplishment was short lived.
"You!" Her father pointed at him. "You did this! You always hear that it was the boyfriend telling her she wasn't good enough! This is your fault! Step away from my daughter, you asshole!"
Star clung tighter to him and he pulled her closer in turn. In a way, it was his fault. But not in the way he was being accused of.
Paulina stepped between them again. "It is in no way Kwan's fault that Star took the actions she did. All he is guilty of is telling her that he loved her and thought she was perfect just how she was. Star was the one who made the decision that she wasn't good enough. She chose her actions of her own free will.
There was a bit more denial and a few more fingers pointed towards Kwan, but in the end, no one could fault Paulina's words. Star was responsible for her own actions.
Paulina invited herself to sleep over with Star and Kwan was invited to spend the night at the Baxter residence. He agreed.
They adapted to the new school routine quickly. Paulina escorted Star to the bathroom before lunch and Kwan escorted her to class afterwards. Every weekend they made a trip to Nasty Burger after discovering Star's secret love of it.
She admitted that occasionally still did it at home. It was a habit and part of her kept telling her she'd get fat if she didn't.
Two days after their middle school graduation, the three of them stood in Star's driveway ready to see her off. There were hugs all around and promises to visit the following weekend.
Pulling him off to the side, Star took Kwan's hand and held it to her cheek. "I'm going to make it through this program for you. I'm going to grow stronger and come back someone worthy of your worship."
Looking at her, inner strength on full display, he resisted saying 'You already are.' because she needed this. This was her motivation to make it through the next eight weeks. He nodded instead. "Then I'll be waiting to grovel at your feet."
I did not set out to write a BDSM relationship.
Poll open on my profile to determine if 'One More Secret' should become an AU.
